My Son ignores or avoids me

My son is 31. He got married 2 years ago. His mother and I have been divorced since he was 6 years old. I and my ex-wife have both remarried. My son is in a high pressure job. Recently the company closed one of their Midwest offices and he inherited extra work-adding to the stress. The excuse he uses for very rarely having any contact with me is that he's too busy, exhausted, stressed out..etc. Sadly, our primary method of communication is texting. He usually doesn't pick up the phone. A couple of weeks ago he went to the ER, citing a nervous breakdown. They prescribed him some anti-anxiety meds, and he says he feels better.

I will invite him and his wife for dinner, and I get a text back saying he's too busy, working, stressed...etc. I usually plan these dinners for Sunday, when there is the least likelihood of him having to work. He has been able to make it in the past, but this is becoming a rarity now. To add to this, he has a tendency to lie, embellish and exaggerate. This has been a life long pattern for him. His mother has serious emotional and mental problems. She is verbally, and at times physically abusive, possibly Borderline Personality Disordered. She was diagnosed as Bi-Polar a long time ago. Interestingly, my son and his sister-whom I'm closer with- will both spend time with their abusive Mom on all the major holidays. I get the crumbs, or no time at all on the holidays. I have helped both of my adult children out financially, and have always been there for emotional support. Their mother hasn't worked in decades, is not nurturing or emotionally supportive at all, talks and thinks exclusively about herself 24/7.

I want to get back on track with my son, but it just seems like he is drifting further and further from me.

Just keep doing what you are doing, staying in touch, inviting him. What about just you and him doing something rather than dinner at your and your wife's or with his wife?

I will invite him and his wife for dinner, and I get a text back saying he's too busy, working, stressed...etc. I usually plan these dinners for Sunday, when there is the least likelihood of him having to work. He has been able to make it in the past, but this is becoming a rarity now.

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My son is 31. He got married 2 years ago. His mother and I have been divorced since he was 6 years old. I and my ex-wife have both remarried. My son is in a high pressure job. Recently the company closed one of their Midwest offices and he inherited extra work-adding to the stress. The excuse he uses for very rarely having any contact with me is that he's too busy, exhausted, stressed out..etc. Sadly, our primary method of communication is texting. He usually doesn't pick up the phone. A couple of weeks ago he went to the ER, citing a nervous breakdown. They prescribed him some anti-anxiety meds, and he says he feels better.

 

I will invite him and his wife for dinner, and I get a text back saying he's too busy, working, stressed...etc. I usually plan these dinners for Sunday, when there is the least likelihood of him having to work. He has been able to make it in the past, but this is becoming a rarity now. To add to this, he has a tendency to lie, embellish and exaggerate. This has been a life long pattern for him. His mother has serious emotional and mental problems. She is verbally, and at times physically abusive, possibly Borderline Personality Disordered. She was diagnosed as Bi-Polar a long time ago. Interestingly, my son and his sister-whom I'm closer with- will both spend time with their abusive Mom on all the major holidays. I get the crumbs, or no time at all on the holidays. I have helped both of my adult children out financially, and have always been there for emotional support. Their mother hasn't worked in decades, is not nurturing or emotionally supportive at all, talks and thinks exclusively about herself 24/7.

 

I want to get back on track with my son, but it just seems like he is drifting further and further from me.

That is terrible. I can tell you, I'd never do that to either of my parents (even if they were divorced; which sometimes, I question why they aren't.) It sounds like your son might have been told something bad (and most likely untrue) about you, by his mother. If she's bi-polar and manipulating, then she most likely played the victim and your son has the wrong idea. I won't ask WHY you got divorced, but that's just my two cents. If my dad ever cheated on my mom, and they broke up, I'm not sure I'd forgive him. As your kids, we tend to see anything negative about you in ourselves and that makes it doubly hard to admit how we feel.

I agree with Wiseman, keep the communication in line. Maybe write him a letter and snail mail? If you're with him, don't mention your ex-wife at all, because that's his mom. We defend our moms to the death. I do think dads get a bad rep' on a lot of things. I'm sorry. Please stay strong.

A few questions.

1. When you and his mom divorced, who did he live with? You, her, or was it joint custody? Who was the primary care giver for him growing up?

2. When did you and your new wife marry? Do you and your new wife get along well? (Has he ever seen arguments or strife between you two?) Does he like her and get along well with her?

3. Do you spend one-on-one time with him? You mention inviting him to Sunday dinner. But that's a group event. Do you call him? Visit him? Have you had close one-on-one conversations with him? How well do you really know each other? (Not just now but as he was growing up?) Did you visit him in the hospital when he was there?

My son is 31. He got married 2 years ago. His mother and I have been divorced since he was 6 years old. I and my ex-wife have both remarried. My son is in a high pressure job. Recently the company closed one of their Midwest offices and he inherited extra work-adding to the stress. The excuse he uses for very rarely having any contact with me is that he's too busy, exhausted, stressed out..etc. Sadly, our primary method of communication is texting. He usually doesn't pick up the phone. A couple of weeks ago he went to the ER, citing a nervous breakdown. They prescribed him some anti-anxiety meds, and he says he feels better.

 

I will invite him and his wife for dinner, and I get a text back saying he's too busy, working, stressed...etc. I usually plan these dinners for Sunday, when there is the least likelihood of him having to work. He has been able to make it in the past, but this is becoming a rarity now. To add to this, he has a tendency to lie, embellish and exaggerate. This has been a life long pattern for him. His mother has serious emotional and mental problems. She is verbally, and at times physically abusive, possibly Borderline Personality Disordered. She was diagnosed as Bi-Polar a long time ago. Interestingly, my son and his sister-whom I'm closer with- will both spend time with their abusive Mom on all the major holidays. I get the crumbs, or no time at all on the holidays. I have helped both of my adult children out financially, and have always been there for emotional support. Their mother hasn't worked in decades, is not nurturing or emotionally supportive at all, talks and thinks exclusively about herself 24/7.

 

I want to get back on track with my son, but it just seems like he is drifting further and further from me.

Does he know how you feel? If not, can you talk to him about your concerns? (And by talking to him about your concerns, I don't mean that you should mention anything about your ex-wife or how he spends more time with her. I just mean that it might change things if you let him know that you want to spend more time with him, and you're concerned that you're drifting apart. Telling him that you miss him wouldn't hurt either. Just a thought...).

That is terrible. I can tell you, I'd never do that to either of my parents (even if they were divorced; which sometimes, I question why they aren't.) It sounds like your son might have been told something bad (and most likely untrue) about you, by his mother. If she's bi-polar and manipulating, then she most likely played the victim and your son has the wrong idea. I won't ask WHY you got divorced, but that's just my two cents. If my dad ever cheated on my mom, and they broke up, I'm not sure I'd forgive him. As your kids, we tend to see anything negative about you in ourselves and that makes it doubly hard to admit how we feel.

 

We defend our moms to the death. I do think dads get a bad rep' on a lot of things. I'm sorry. Please stay strong.

I am not saying this isn't true ... but I feel like this is a bit of a pre-mature conclusion given the information we have.

I am not saying this isn't true ... but I feel like this is a bit of a pre-mature conclusion given the information we have.

I'm not trying to place ideas in his head. He left out some pertinent details and I know that affects things. Your questions made a lot of sense!

Yes I have suggested doing something, just the two of us going something-to no avail. I am also very concerned about him being very overweight, with a horrible diet and the fact that he stopped exercising. I don't nag or dwell on this stuff when I see him...but it's a big concern.

Yes I have suggested doing something, just the two of us going something-to no avail. I am also very concerned about him being very overweight, with a horrible diet and the fact that he stopped exercising. I don't nag or dwell on this stuff when I see him...but it's a big concern.

GOOD. Don't point this out. My dad is over weight and he told me I needed to lose a few. Didn't talk to him for a day. It's normal to be concerned, but it sounds like your son IS working hard. I wish I had more to offer. From the sounds of it, you're just not meeting each other in the middle... it's all you... and that's got to be hard.

Are you retired? He may feel like "you don't understand anymore" what it's like to be stressed from work. I know my aunt and uncle are retired and it's driving them crazy. They want their sons/daughters to visit, but only one has. I know once you're older, you think more about family... because I do now. But maybe try offering him help with something around the house? Do they have kids? Offer to babysit. Anything to get closer. Once he's less stressed, he may realize how he's been ignoring you and thank you by hanging out.

A few questions.

 

1. When you and his mom divorced, who did he live with? You, her, or was it joint custody? Who was the primary care giver for him growing up?

 

2. When did you and your new wife marry? Do you and your new wife get along well? (Has he ever seen arguments or strife between you two?) Does he like her and get along well with her?

 

3. Do you spend one-on-one time with him? You mention inviting him to Sunday dinner. But that's a group event. Do you call him? Visit him? Have you had close one-on-one conversations with him? How well do you really know each other? (Not just now but as he was growing up?) Did you visit him in the hospital when he was there?

He did live with me for part of the time when his Mom and I divorced. We had joint custody. He and his sister were with me 3 to 4 days per week. I married my new wife just 3 years ago, both of my kids like her a lot, and no relationship is perfect, but we get along really well. Yes, I call, visit, we have been very close for his entire life. I didn't find out about the hospital stay until after the fact. I sure as hell would've been there if I'd known. I had a therapist tell me that often children of divorce gravitate to the weaker parent. This is very counter intuitive, but I think he may have been right. I do believe this is a phase with my son, but it hurts.

Hope it works out Bungalo.

And that kind of overweight needs to be addressed, as health is paramount. Maybe there is comfort bingeing going on?

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. Nope, not retired. I became a father when I was fairly young. They don't have kids. So..not a Grandpa yet. No rush haha...I can wait. My dad told me recently that I needed to drop some weight..and it ticked me off..so there's no way in hell I would do that to my kids...

Maybe the reason he gravitates towards the weaker parent (her) is because he knows you can take care of yourself. I'd let him know how you feel. He may not know.

I am unable to understand why the issue of overweight cannot be approached. In a diplomatic way of course. After all, any responsible physician would tell a grossly overweight patient to get treated......

I know I didn't gravitate to the weaker parent. My dad is the weaker parent.

But overall once you become an adult you have less time to spend with your parents. Weekly dinners are not possible anymore. You just want to throw your feet up at YOUR house and relax. I see my mom about every 3 months because we live 3 hours away. I see my dad once a year because well he was never good to me and continues to carry it on.

I think it is mostly he wants to live HIS life. That is all it is.

That is terrible. I can tell you, I'd never do that to either of my parents (even if they were divorced; which sometimes, I question why they aren't.) It sounds like your son might have been told something bad (and most likely untrue) about you, by his mother. If she's bi-polar and manipulating, then she most likely played the victim and your son has the wrong idea. I won't ask WHY you got divorced, but that's just my two cents. If my dad ever cheated on my mom, and they broke up, I'm not sure I'd forgive him. As your kids, we tend to see anything negative about you in ourselves and that makes it doubly hard to admit how we feel.

 

I agree with Wiseman, keep the communication in line. Maybe write him a letter and snail mail? If you're with him, don't mention your ex-wife at all, because that's his mom. We defend our moms to the death. I do think dads get a bad rep' on a lot of things. I'm sorry. Please stay strong.

Yeah, I don't bring up their Mom. They usually do when I see them. They're old enough to recognize her manipulating and manic behavior now.

Great Cat Stevens song BTW!

"The Living Years" Mike and the Mechanics

Send him that.

Does he know how you feel? If not, can you talk to him about your concerns? (And by talking to him about your concerns, I don't mean that you should mention anything about your ex-wife or how he spends more time with her. I just mean that it might change things if you let him know that you want to spend more time with him, and you're concerned that you're drifting apart. Telling him that you miss him wouldn't hurt either. Just a thought...).

YES, I did tell him last week how I felt. So maybe I planted a seed. We'll see,

I am unable to understand why the issue of overweight cannot be approached. In a diplomatic way of course. After all, any responsible physician would tell a grossly overweight patient to get treated......

Unless the person is in shape, I don't want to hear it. That's just how I am. Bungalo said HIS dad told him he was overweight, so it'd be the pot calling the kettle calling the pot black.

I have learnt not to say anything in 3D to persons who are unhealthily overweight, as people get so het up about it. I am slim myself.

A friend of mine, her daughter, and now her son, are actually waddling rather than walking. I keep my mouth shut. They've been to the endocrinologist, and there is nothing wrong hormonally. So.....

I have learnt not to say anything in 3D to persons who are unhealthily overweight, as people get so het up about it. I am slim myself.

 

A friend of mine, her daughter, and now her son, are actually waddling rather than walking. I keep my mouth shut. They've been to the endocrinologist, and there is nothing wrong hormonally. So.....

That's why people have to study to give advice to overweight or out of shape people. Being slim doesn't make you a winner at life--it just means you have a fast metabolism or you eat well. I'd consider myself "athletic" but I'm no work out magazine cover. Just muscles from working with horses. Some people probably think my equestrian booty is too big, but that's cushioning. LOL!

He did live with me for part of the time when his Mom and I divorced. We had joint custody. He and his sister were with me 3 to 4 days per week. I married my new wife just 3 years ago, both of my kids like her a lot, and no relationship is perfect, but we get along really well. Yes, I call, visit, we have been very close for his entire life. I didn't find out about the hospital stay until after the fact. I sure as hell would've been there if I'd known. I had a therapist tell me that often children of divorce gravitate to the weaker parent. This is very counter intuitive, but I think he may have been right. I do believe this is a phase with my son, but it hurts.

Thanks for sharing this information. I'm still not getting a picture of your relationship with him prior to this ... but I'm going to guess you may not be a man of many words in general.

My sister has gone through divorce and had a lot of therapy. She is the primary caregiver. A couple of her therapists have indicated that her kids, two boys, gravitate towards the parents they are more emotionally connected with. One sons towards the mom; another towards the dad.

One thing I would encourage you to do is not to come to conclusions. It sounds like you two don't talk. Unless and until you do, you're sort of in the dark about how he feels. So, talk to him. Don't assume. Most relationships are better for that.

No, but being in reasonable shape makes you healthier, and it isn't me saying it. I am not surprised there is so much obesity with the way people shovel in the fast (trash) food.

It's only when they get the Type II diagnosis that (too late) they start to panic.

It isn't about being a "winner" whatever you mean by that, it just means being healthier.

Yes I have suggested doing something, just the two of us going something-to no avail. I am also very concerned about him being very overweight, with a horrible diet and the fact that he stopped exercising. I don't nag or dwell on this stuff when I see him...but it's a big concern.

Well, I am in a similar position with some family members. All you can do is remember you gave them guidance and direction when they were younger. They are not adults and have the right to make their own decisions ... about their bodies as well as their relationships to you.

Having said that, are you and your wife slim/normal weight with a healthy diet and exercise? Because I find the best way you can lead gently is by modeling good behavior. So if you and your wife are cooking healthy dinners, you all go out of for walks/talks after dinner, and he sees you both healthy, in good shape, and active that is an incredibly powerful message.