Forgive but don't forget.......similar to holding resentment?

Hello All,

I was having this conversation with a few folks from this board regarding this. This is largely for the ladies on this forum, but everyone please feel free to comment if you like.

Background: exactly two weeks ago, my ex broke up with me giving me a series of "reasons" that we wouldn't or aren't working. The details are all splattered across enotalone, so if interested please review past threads or ask for details and I will provide them.

One of the reasons she gave me was "this has built up over time" and it really threw me off and hurt me the most because I have always tried to keep an open communication policy and repeatedly encouraged her to come to me if she felt I was doing something wrong or if she felt bad about something.

A few of us from this board were discussing this and I wanted to put this out for a broader audience for additional perspective.

So there were arguments between me and the ex. However, what I believed was that we sorted it out, resolved it, apologised and we moved on. BUT, now I feel that she was possibly linking all the argument, big or small, with the same link and that's what built up the resentment which I was COMPLETELY oblivious to as I looked at these situations as resolved and sorted. She once also told me "I don't let go of certain things" and during the breakup talk, she also mentioned "I am a woman we hold on to things. That's what we do". This leads me to believe that she considered all arguments as one longer'ish argument whereas I believed them to be about separate subjects.

So my question is:

- can or do ladies truly not forgive (this sounds a bit ominous but pls understand this is just a generic question)?

- do all arguments count as one continuous string for everyone? I personally thought they were not the same, she most likely did

- If it is not conveyed to the other person that you feel all this as one continuous argument, how is the other person supposed to figure out or know this is what's happening?

I can provide a few examples of our arguments if needed to clarify further.

Listen to me Wile.

Stable well-adjusted people/women do not hold grudges or hold on to anything.

It is quite normal for couples to have arguments and they'd be very odd if they didn't. However, constant arguing is a symptom of some other underlying issue. That is really the crux of the matter. No need to be over-analytical about it.

Constructive Arguments can be a pathway to growth.

My experience as a woman in relationships...

1. Yes, of course I forgive, 100%.

2. All arguments that are about the SAME thing count as a continuous single argument to me. So even if it seems the issue was resolved if we're still arguing about it it wasn't and YES I've broken up with people because of this. So if it's an occasional mishap or argument, of course I'll forgive and forget but you can't forget something that happens all the time.

3. I guess by asking them the question.

I haven't read your other threads so I don't know anything about your relationship with her, I just know from my own experience how I feel.

It's the ultimate in craziness to be arguing about the SAME thing all the time. For weeks, months, years!!

What is SO important (not) that one would argue about it ALL the time.

Agree, that's when it becomes an ax to grind instead of the real issue.

It's the ultimate in craziness to be arguing about the SAME thing all the time. For weeks, months, years!! What is SO important (not) that one would argue about it ALL the time.

I agree with others that a relationship made up of so many arguments that linking them together is even a consideration, is a) a relationship fraught with some deep issues, and b) not a relationship I'd personally stay in for very long.

Emotionally healthy, mature PEOPLE (women AND men) don't hold grudges in the manner you are describing. It sounds to me like she was stockpiling emotional ammunition, and then blew up the whole cache at once in order to make you feel at fault.

"Forgive but don't forget" can be interpreted many ways. It might at first glance seem like an incomplete forgiveness, but I see it more as a trust thing. For example, if you are accustomed to leaving your car doors unlocked and your car radio gets stolen, you might start locking your doors after that. That's what it means to not forget. But if you hold on to resentment towards the unknown person who stole your car radio, the only one who suffers is you. That's what forgiveness is for. Forgiveness is about the past, but trust is about the future. In your case it seems like your ex was neither forgiving nor forgetting. Psychologically healthy people are able to process their emotions and move past them. Toxic people tend to get stuck in them. My wife and I fought for the first decade of our marriage, often about the same things. But something changed a few years ago and we don't fight anymore. Somewhere along the way we grew up and found emotional healing. This isn't a gender-specific problem, although your ex clearly justifies her behavior by citing her gender (which is frankly an insult to women everywhere). It's an emotional health problem.

It's an emotional health problem.

Precisely Gebaird

Yikes what a weird comment.

she also mentioned "I am a woman we hold on to things. That's what we do"

Yikes what a weird comment.

i am assuming she said it because she was angry. I would like to give her that much benefit of doubt.

""I am a woman we hold on to things. That's what we do"."

No we don't. Let her speak for herself. That's what dysfunctional people do, of either gender.

Agree with Hermes, to me it sounds like a cop-out for her grudges. The statement is as retarded as saying "I'm a guy we do stupid things that's what guys go". if confronted with something.

i am assuming she said it because she was angry. I would like to give her that much benefit of doubt.

Hermes: thank you very much for the link. i will definitely take a look at it. and i sincerely don't believe we constantly argued. I can confidently say we have way more good times together than we argued. I was not entirely perfect but i would like to believe I tried. This question however put me in a bad spot thinking i f'ed up and lost her.

Just put it all behind you, Wile.

Ruminating over stuff is very counterproductive.

Hello All,

 

I was having this conversation with a few folks from this board regarding this. This is largely for the ladies on this forum, but everyone please feel free to comment if you like.

 

Background: exactly two weeks ago, my ex broke up with me giving me a series of "reasons" that we wouldn't or aren't working. The details are all splattered across enotalone, so if interested please review past threads or ask for details and I will provide them.

 

One of the reasons she gave me was "this has built up over time" and it really threw me off and hurt me the most because I have always tried to keep an open communication policy and repeatedly encouraged her to come to me if she felt I was doing something wrong or if she felt bad about something.

 

A few of us from this board were discussing this and I wanted to put this out for a broader audience for additional perspective.

 

So there were arguments between me and the ex. However, what I believed was that we sorted it out, resolved it, apologised and we moved on. BUT, now I feel that she was possibly linking all the argument, big or small, with the same link and that's what built up the resentment which I was COMPLETELY oblivious to as I looked at these situations as resolved and sorted. She once also told me "I don't let go of certain things" and during the breakup talk, she also mentioned "I am a woman we hold on to things. That's what we do". This leads me to believe that she considered all arguments as one longer'ish argument whereas I believed them to be about separate subjects.

 

So my question is:

- can or do ladies truly not forgive (this sounds a bit ominous but pls understand this is just a generic question)?

- do all arguments count as one continuous string for everyone? I personally thought they were not the same, she most likely did

- If it is not conveyed to the other person that you feel all this as one continuous argument, how is the other person supposed to figure out or know this is what's happening?

 

I can provide a few examples of our arguments if needed to clarify further.

I'm of the school of thought that "if it's genuine love, there is no room for resentment." The reason is, I've only ever dated two guys (including the one I'm seeing now) who could do anything and I'd forgive them. I never brought up their past words or actions if we had moved on. The issue is... they did/do(?).

Ok. So, what's that mean? It means it wasn't (isn't) genuine. Currently waiting to be forgiven and I can tell you IT SUCKS. I am about to throw in the towel, because 20 year old me dealt with that, but 32 year old me is thinking... no way. Too stressful.

So, if someone uses past issues to break up with you, they've got issues themselves and you don't need that. No one does. They're just too scared to admit, "I don't actually like you," which is a lot less hurtful than using sugar-coated excuses.

As hard as it is to hear, get rid of those negative people and be yourself. You'll shine so bright that the right one will find you and forgive you for (or GASP, find it endearing) all the things you do.

Thank you for your input melangey.

I think it would have been easier if she had just said I don't like you anymore. I would have been broken much more but I wouldn't be sad all the time.

What I continually feel sad about is that despite asking her multiple times to come talk to me she kept it all inside. And then said it has built up over time. that is so fkin unfair.

Hey Wile. Life is unfair!

It is something we need to take on board.

Thank you for your input melangey.

 

I think it would have been easier if she had just said I don't like you anymore. I would have been broken much more but I wouldn't be sad all the time.

 

What I continually feel sad about is that despite asking her multiple times to come talk to me she kept it all inside. And then said it has built up over time. that is so fkin unfair.

It could also mean that she genuinely liked you as a person, but thought you needed "work" as a partner. I've dated several guys and tried to "give it some more time," only to realize I truly didn't want to be with them. In the normal flow of break up conversation, I'd usually get asked what they did wrong, or when I started feeling this way, etc etc. When someone dumps ME (as I feel may happen soon), I try to stay as unemotional as possible, thank them for getting to know me, and I let it go. I don't move on immediately, but I tell them "that's fair" or something along the lines, and let them know I'm there for them as a friend. Then we usually stop talking. But my point is, if a person has decided to dump you (premeditated or immediately), it's hard for YOU to change their mind. The cooler you are about it, the more likely you can salvage something later--whatever that may be.

But it sounds like you need to just move on!

Just put it all behind you, Wile.

Ruminating over stuff is very counterproductive.

Not exactly helpful advice...

Yeah just move and, that's life....why do you think we are on here, if life was that easy....

No definitely not "normal" to hold onto resentment and it's not a gender thing. It's comments like this that paints a particular gender in bad light. She can speak for herself but not the entire gender, she's just too cowardly to say "I hold grudges, that's just who I am".

Having said that, I had an ex where we've had a lot of different arguments in the 2.5 years we were together, it was over different things but at the same time, it was the same argument every time, that's because the reason we argued was driven by who we are and how we interact together (i.e. incompatible), so it doesn't matter what caused the argument, it was simply because of incompatibility, and that can't be resolved, it's bound to come up again and again. With someone else, I didn't have any of these arguments. So in a way, I can see what you might have experienced is indeed one big long argument rather than separate arguments. It's not either person's fault, and it's for the best that it ended.

I think it can be very easy to say that "emotionally healthy" people don't do this or that. None of us, none of us, are perfectly evolved human beings. We all have our flaws. So for everyone to say well she just shouldn't be like that is probably not the insight the poster was looking for.

I saw a funny video online the other day. Essentially it was about the stereotype that men don't help around the house. There are lots of stereotypes about men and women and there is one about the fact that a woman can be arguing with her partner and suddenly bring up something unrelated from 6 months before and the man thinks "where did that come from??" My girlfriends and I have laughed about it in that "yes that's sometimes true!" way. Does that mean all woman act that way? And that men never do it? Of course not. In the same way that not all men will leave the chores to the woman. But it happens enough times to be a stereotype! In my circle of friends and colleagues, with both people working, generally the woman still does the lion share of the chores. Equally a lot of females I know will admit that they may have done this old argument thing at least once or twice.

I am brave enough to say yes I have been guilty of bringing up an old argument because I felt it was related to the current situation. Maybe I'm dysfunctional then! But I don't think so, I think I am just human with flaws like everyone else.

emotionally healthy people wouldn't be on this forum anyway xD

I am having a terrible time getting over you!! I watched your kids and really thought you were a good person. You made me believe that I was not good enough for a relationship. I am just trash

i think you posted this in the wrong thread. but it's ok, as long as it made you feel even slightly better.