My girlfriend has cut me off after such a brilliant year and my life is in ruins

I am a mid thirties guy from the UK and my girlfriend is also in her early thirties from the US. We met a year ago (Sept 2015) I was living in Dubai at the time and I met her in Texas whilst on business. We spent that first week after meeting together and were inseperable and had such an intense/passionate connection, I never believed in love at first sight before but it was perfect. I told her during that week that although I was single, I was going through a divorce and had two children living in the UK. I also told her that I was transferring to Houston at the beginning of 2016 but I would be coming to Houston very often until then. She also told me that she was divorced but had no children. She took me to the airport and we had an emotional farewell, she texted before I took off to say that she wanted to start a relationship with me.

Over the coming weeks we txted, emailed, skyped each other every day. I then returned to Houston in October for 3 weeks where we spent every moment together and our love was blossoming and were enjoying each other and it was the happiest both of us had been for a while. I went back to Dubai for 11 days before returning to Houston for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday with her and her family, again it was such a great time together and I loved her family also. I stayed in Houston until mid December and she gave me some Christmas gifts before I left.

After flying back to Dubai for a few days, I told my girlfriend that I had booked a flight to be with her over Christmas both of us were over the moon. Also she was flying to the UK to be together for NYE. However my father fell ill and I had to cancel my trip to Houston to stay with him. She then flew over on her own to be with me in London for NYE, we had such a fantastic time and she extended her trip to be with me before flying back to the US early January 2016.

My work notified me that my move to Houston would be in Feb/March 2016. I was in Dubai for the month of January packing up my life to move to Houston. My girlfriend flew over from Houston to Dubai to be with me to say goodbye to Dubai and also it was my birthday end of January, we had a brilliant time. It was clear that both of us were crazy about each other and were massively in love and looking forward to our new life together.

Anyway I was working in London for a few weeks and was told by my work that I was needed in Houston for a month, so I flew to Houston and again had an amazing time together. We also started to look at places to live as my US visa would be ready once I returned to the UK to pick it up from the Embassy.

This was now mid March 2016 and we had been together now 6-7 months and although the distance we has worked so hard to be together a lot, flying and travelling a lot to make sure we saw as much as we could of each other. On 17th March, 2016 I was given a 5 year visa by the US Embassy in the US and I flew straight away on the 18th to be with her. As you can imagine once I arrived Houston both of us were so happy, she had champagne waiting and we celebrated with her and her sister all weekend, we also saw some places that we could move in together. The wait was finally over we no longer had to say goodbye and I was there to stay, to build a life and once my divorce was finalised, we would get married and start our own family.

I work in the Oil & Gas industry and after a fantastic weekend at the beginning of April, where we were in the process of signing a lease for a place, I went to work on April 4th, 2016 (17 days after officially moving to the US) and they told me I was being layed off with immediate effect and that my L-1 visa would stop in 30 days and would have to leave the US as I no longer had a sponsor. This news was heartbreaking for both of us, after waiting and working so hard on the relationship, two weeks after relocating with my Company they gave this tragic news and didn't care.

Over the last months she has been great with me (supportive and saying we'll figure it out together) and I was trying to find other work, ways to stay in the US, we both have been worried and under stress and we have been bickering a little, she has also had health scare. The fact is my divorce hadn't been finalized, due to my ex wife not signing and agreeing and I was desperate to engage with my girlfriend. Anyway, we both said to each other whatever happens we are staying strong and we'll sort this mess out.

In mid July, 2016 I had to fly back to the UK as my son had surgery and I was going to sort the divorce for good with my ex wife in the UK. I left Houston 15th July, 2016 after an emotional goodbye with my girlfriend and left all my stuff there as I was coming back in a couple of weeks.

Once I got back to the UK we started to argue via text and on the phone, she wanted to know where I was all the time, I was keeping her updated all the time and sending her pics and calling/texting her. On the 24th July she told me that she was worried and that she was moving from Houston to be close to her sister who was also moving from Houston, this was never the plan and she said she hoped that I would move there with her. I got upset that she had signed for a lease in this new city without consulting me and made a big decision about our lives without having me involved and decided to delay my flight to calm down and spend more time with my kids. On the 29th July I had massive discussions with my ex wife and I even told her about my new partner in the US, she agreed to sign and we shared everything amicably. Things are now in process to finalize the divorce.

On July 31st my girlfriend in US was very quiet that weekend and I asked her if she was ok? Again no response and then I asked "are we over" to which she said yes!!! The only explanation she said its best for both of us! Over the coming week she would not answer the phone saying she was busy, i spoke to her on the 2nd August and she just said that her family had concerns, argued and hung up! This was the first I knew about this her mum and dad loves me. Also that week she blocked me from calling and texting her, she deleted me from her instagram. I then booked a flight back to leave on the 9th August to sort this out and sent her an email to say I was coming. She replied saying "you are never welcome in my home again, I know what you are now"!!! I will talk to you if you tell me truth!

Since then I have been pleading for her to explain what has happened, that we should talk that I deserve an explanation, what she is on about? Between the 5th to 15th August she would send emails sometime saying, goodnight and I don't know what will happen. I said please I want to come back to sort this out it doesn't make sense to me and why don't you want to sort this out?

On the 15th August she sent an email saying that the relationship is over and she is sticking to that decision and that she was not happy about it, but she can't trust me, with no explanation why! I told her that she is making a massive mistake and that I love her so much and would do anything for her as I showed her since day 1. She then emailed me asking when I could Skype her and also she sent pictures of herself to me. Since then I have had nothing from her! My best mate and mum have also sent her an email to see if she's ok but no reply! I have also sent a text to her mum and dad and sister, no reply!

I now don't know what to do my life is with her, my stuff is with her and I'm in this limbo. I am also unemployed and don't know if I should look for work here in the UK? It's now 6 weeks since I've seen her and I'm desperate to go back and sort this out and talk whatever it is with her. But she has cut me off like I'm dead to her, she has placed my life in ruins, I can't sleep, she is affecting my health and can't do anything until I know what's going on with her. She is hurting and torturing me and I just don't understand why. I have been honest with her, true, loyal and we had a brilliant, fun, passionate and intense relationship. My plan was on our one year anniversary in September to engage with her as that's what we've wanted and even a few weeks ago she said she couldn't wait to be my wife.

She told me that when she left her husband 4/5 years ago, she told him she was going, packed a bag, left the marital home and moved miles away to Houston to start a new life and she never looked back, she told me that her husband became suicidal and depressed after the break up, I can now empathize with the poor guy.

What does everyone think? What should I do? I can't travel there because I don't know where I should go and I have no idea where my personal belongings are! I just need to talk to her, that's all! I just can't comprehend what a nightmare this is and after everything I deserve to know. Any help is appreciated, thanks...

There's nothing you can do. Sounds like she has a history of bailing out as she did this to her ex and he felt like you're feeling now..destroyed. So you know she's capable of doing that to her partner.

Chalk it up to history, you had an intercontinental whirlwind romance but now it's over. I would focus on your divorce and kids (one recently had surgery?) and maybe take a break from dating until you sort out your employment. You have other priorities that seem more pressing than dipping the wick so to speak.

I'm really sorry. Sounds like it was very intense for alost a year. I too had a 180 pulled on me. It was horrable same thing (tell me the truth comments) at least you are far and out of there. If I were you I know you don't want to hear it. Be close with your kids don't uproot you or them to a different country. Find work there and leave her alone. Your stuff who cares it's material things it can be replaced. Be lucky her crazy showed. Might want to think about maybe shes the one with somone it does happen. I to question my ex's past relationships thinking those guys were probably fine nothing like she said but who knows. BTW Houston has flooding issues and is God awful hot.

You've had a right lucky escape there, friend!

You asked what we think, and I am telling you.

Re-read this:

"......she has placed my life in ruins, I can't sleep, she is affecting my health and can't do anything until I know what's going on with her"

You are in your mid-thirties, so I am surprised to read that.

Also, the "relationship" took off like a bomb, and intense bright flames have a habit of dying out very fast. Think of this as a kind of inter-continental fling.

One other thing: it is not a good idea to take up a new relationship until you are over the throes of a divorce and are back to yourself again.

I can relate as my ex cut me off completely as well.

What I have learned over the years is that when someone makes their decision, probably after mulling it over for a long time, then there isn't much chance of changing their mind. Repeatedly trying to contact her, understandable as it may well be, is not going to help you. In fact, as you found out, she subsequently sent a series of mixed messages before eventually cutting you off completely.

You may want answers as to how she can appear to do a sudden U-turn, but she will want nothing less in the whole world than to be forced to confront her actions, and the more you push, the further she will run.

So yes, it may appear that your "life is in ruins," but it isn't...you just have to work hard at getting through this. Like most people on this website have done.

Going through a divorce and a long-distance relationship was not ideal, and I would suggest an extended period on your own to sort yourself out, and eventually you will learn to trust again, but that could take quite a long time based on your ex's actions.

I wish you well.

Did she find out you were still actually married? Does she think you are just looking for a visa sponsor? It sounds like something abruptly changed and she found something out you were lying about and that part of the story is missing here.

For example you were still married in the UK but "a few weeks ago she said she couldn't wait to be my wife"?

Stop your family from contacting her and stop contacting her family and stop circumventing her no contact and blocking you.. You need to stop stalking her and Do Not just fly there and stalk/confront her, it's over she told you why (whatever she found out that's missing from this post).

In the US, if you just show up at her place or work or her family's, they can have you arrested for trespassing.

She replied saying "you are never welcome in my home again, I know what you are now"!!! I will talk to you if you tell me truth! and she is sticking to that decision and she can't trust me. I am also unemployed and don't know if I should look for work here in the UK?

I'm not stalking her my friend, I am merely trying to get an explanation for this U turn which I deserve, vague cliches just doesn't cut the mustard and trying to get all my clothes and personal possessions back. Any decent human being would let me have my stuff back! She knows everything from the beginning about my situation and it's not as easy to divorce in the UK, both have to agree and that's happened now. She hasn't told me why at all? I left Houston 6 weeks ago with everything ok. I gave her full disclosure at the beginning and I wasn't looking at all it just happened...

Sorry to hear about this man. Similar story for me - long distance international relationship, no fighting or arguing but instead of her paying for all of the travel, I did because she was a poor PhD student. Haha. Anyway, one day she just ended the relationship, blocked me and never looked back as if I had done something so horribly wrong to her. It seems like Wiseman hit the nail on the head. Your ex said she'd talk to you if she knew the truth. What do you think she's referring to?

I honestly don't know I told her everything she knew everything, she insisted we'd sort things together as I wasn't divorced. She knows about my kids and wanted to be a part of their lives also. We have been together and inseparable for the year believe me, that's why I don't understand it. It's easy for wiseman to comment but I wanted her to know everything before we continued a long distance, as trust is a must!

KJO.

You aren't going to get an explanation. And she isn't a decent human being, by all appearances.

So, on to a more practical device, if you want to get your clothes etc. back. Although mind you, in your place I'd just cut my losses.

Go to a lawyer, instruct him to prepare and send an official letter (via international channels) to whatever address you have for this person, requesting her to pack and place all your belongings with a warehouse/removal company, letting your lawyer know the name and contact details of the warehouse company, so that you can then contact that company and arrange for the shipment of your stuff back to the U.K.

That is the way to do it. No contact with her.

Wow, that's just weird then. Just ask her to send your belongings or arrange to get them. What did she mean by this? "you are never welcome in my home again, I know what you are now"!!! I will talk to you if you tell me truth!". What did she think you were lying about/ Was she suspicious of cheating or something?

I trying to get all my clothes and personal possessions back.

The word "insanity" crosses my mind, Wiseman!

Unstable unpredictable people can be very exciting, at the outset....

Exactly it is weird and we are not kids!!!I'm trying to understand but maybe I will never be able to understand...

KJO. Just chalk it up to experience. "one of those things".

Next time round, maybe take it real slooowwww!

It's hard when both of us shared what we shared and found a love that was rare and so passionate. To let go is going to be difficult and not knowing why is so so hard! I would have done anything for this girl I really would....

What did she think you were lying about and what did she mean by "I know what you are now"? You are leaving that info out, however that is the answer to your question as to why she suddenly ended things.

It's hard when both of us shared what we shared and found a love that was rare and so passionate. To let go is going to be difficult and not knowing why is so so hard! I would have done anything for this girl I really would....

So, KJO, what Wiseman just asked?

Also, is it remotely possible that your "ex" somehow located her and spun her a story? What do you think?

it's not as easy to divorce in the UK, both have to agree...

No they don't...it'd be more drawn out and expensive if you didn't agree but blimey...I can't imagine how bad it'd be if both parties had to agree!

What did she think you were lying about and what did she mean by "I know what you are now"? You are leaving that info out, however that is the answer to your question as to why she suddenly ended things.

If the OP really isn't leaving out any details, then maybe it is her who has done something wrong herself. Or maybe she has lost attraction because of the difficulties of late. Or maybe a sudden case of cold feet. Nobody knows, and nobody will likely ever know. An explanation may well be "deserved" but this is life, and life is not fair, so you better try to accept that such an explanation is not going to be coming your way.

I think it is quite common for a dumper to try and turn the tables on the dumpee, blaming them, getting angry at them, throwing accusations at them. All in an attempt to try and deflect attention from themselves and/or justify their decision. If she has done something wrong, for instance cheating, then trying to make you look like the bad guy will ease her guilt as she tries to fool herself and justify the decision to break up.

Just speculating.

that's the whole point, there is nothing she doesn't know and that's why I'm desperate to see what she means by saying "I know what you are". It's mind games and cruel. My ex wouldn't do something like that, we have a decent amicable relationship.

KJO.

" It's mind games and cruel. "

All the more reason to give this person no more of your thought time or grief. You really would not want to be with this person long term, and I go back to what I first said: You've had a lucky escape.

Maybe you're right but it so hard to accept this, there is no "closure" I hate that word also. I sent her one last email a few days ago just saying I hope she is ok, that I'm always there for her, that I hope for the best for her and her business, that she will be happy and that she please send my clothes and I'll wire the monies for the cost (which includes all my suits etc) to me or I would fly there to pick them up. I would just forget them but they are worth thousands of $ and have left my guitar there also.... I'm starting to look at jobs in London now and need my suits and shirts and everything to try and get on with life. Do you think she isn't replying and not sending my stuff because she hopes I'll go over there? Or she has just ditched them somewhere and feels guilty? Or she doesn't give a sh&t?

KJO. I don't much care for the word closure either......

My advice, KJO. Don't fly over there, and do not second guess her. She does NOT hope to see you again.

Look, in an earlier post I mentioned that you could instruct a solicitor to send a registered letter to her address, requesting that your clothing and belongings be placed with a warehouse/removal company, at your expense, and you then contact that company and tell them where to send your stuff to you. Which in any case will cost less than the airline ticket and accommodation.....

But the main point is that you do not need to go back over there.

It isn't easy KJO, and this is sure one steep learning curve. Good luck anyhow.

It is indeed quite possible that she has burnt, given away or otherwise disposed of your suits and clothes, but I can assure you that will not nor has it made her feel guilty. You are correct: she doesn't give a sh&t.

Appreciate everyone's thoughts but I have to say everyone is so negative. I still believe that good will out here, but her behavior has been so cold and ruthless and so out of character. I just can't believe that love can so quickly turn to hate, I'm going to give her space and hope she'll reach out......another two weeks and that's it.

Hey KJO. That is hardly fair. Everyone in my view has been very positive, and right behind you. We are going by what you are telling us, and all we have here is the written word, and not you in person with us.

Look KJO, maybe she didn't love you in the first instance. Maybe it was just excitement, the novelty of it all. It happens.

OK you want to give it two weeks, but be prepared for disappointment. She has made herself clear. And it isn't about "hate" . She just for whatever reason has decided she doesn't want anything further to do with you.