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I feel like a doormat and want to leave, advice needed please.


Colin6545

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First time post guys n girls, hoping for some advice/perspective on my situation.

I am maried with 3 kids and at times real unhappy and frustrated with my life, i have had major reservations about the relationship with my wife for about 7 years.

 

I have spotted 5 times now suspicious behaviour which had lead me to think she is interested or has been with another guy. One example being POF dating app installed on her phone with an active profile on it, this i was told was done by one of our kids.

 

I have over the years lost touch with all of my friends and family, the last person i was in touch with was my cousin. I was due to be best man at his weding for 10 months, 2 days before wife realy forces the issue that we cant afford the travel expenses, so i didnt go and we havent spoken since.

Some other family and friends i have lost contact through my own mistakes, because of this i feel very isolated.

 

I also work to put money in our pockets, i see very little of my wages. I normaly dont want much but when i do see something i would like it can be like a tug of war with her for me to have the money. This realy pisses me off.

 

I dont go anywhere or do anything i would like to do, i basicaly go to work come home help with the kids.

 

The sex side of relationship, its very rare that she will instigate it. Usualy consists of me asking, and her reluctantly saying yes if i do something in return for the act of sex. This also gets me down too.

 

Im realy thinking iv had enough of this and am thinking of moving on, im 41 and life is too short im starting to feel. This is tempered with feeling guilty on leaving the kids tho. Appologies for the lenght of post any advice would be apreciated.

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Do you feel like you could discuss this with her and would she be willing to join you in doing the work of improving the relationship? Would you even want to save it at this point?

 

If nothing changes, how much longer can you tolerate it? A month? A year? 5 years?

 

From the outside looking in, I say leave, you only get one life. But leaving is drastic, there baby steps you can take first, reach out to your friends and family and see if anyone would like to reconnect/get out to some meet ups or social hobbies and start meeting new people!! And the other thing you can do is start practicing making and enforcing boundaries, so when your partner tells you you cant see your friends/family, or that you can't spend your own money, you can politely and firmly tell her 'no'

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Do you feel like you could discuss this with her and would she be willing to join you in doing the work of improving the relationship? Would you even want to save it at this point?

 

If nothing changes, how much longer can you tolerate it? A month? A year? 5 years?

 

From the outside looking in, I say leave, you only get one life. But leaving is drastic, there baby steps you can take first, reach out to your friends and family and see if anyone would like to reconnect/get out to some meet ups or social hobbies and start meeting new people!! And the other thing you can do is start practicing making and enforcing boundaries, so when your partner tells you you cant see your friends/family, or that you can't spend your own money, you can politely and firmly tell her 'no'

 

Hi,how much longer can i tolerate it? I could ride it out and stay for the kids. But i can see myself being a bitter old man having her as my wife that long.

i have been quite open about my feelings and wanting change and i get indifference back, she doesnt realy seem to care.

 

In terms of me getting hobbies and having access to more cash there are always excuses that come up that i cant spend cash this leads to arguments. This impacts me meeting anyone new to a degree, also my confidence is not that high at the moment.

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Maybe you didn't put all pertinent info in your post, but from what you wrote I don't get the feeling that your wife is treating you poorly, it just sounds like a marriage that got boring for you and you would like to experience some excitement in your life.

I can't comment on the POF app on your wife's phone, because who knows what the truth is, but frankly, would she be stupid enough to put it on there and leave it for you to see? If she wanted to cheat, wouldn't she just log in via computer, so you wouldn't see the app icon on her phone screen? And also, is she missing for hours, would she have time to cheat, with 3 kids to care for? Only you know the answer to these questions.

 

The thing is, this is life. You have 3 kids, of course when you finish work you have to come home and help with them. Kids can be draining and your wife can't and shouldn't be the one to care for them 24/7.

Sex also doesn't stay at porn level forever, life happens and again...with 3 kids, i am not surprised sex is no longer your wife's priority. The bad news for you is that even if you leave her for a newer, maybe younger model, the same thing will happen, both the relationship and sex will eventually become stale and unexciting, because the novelty is replaced with habit and comfort.

 

Financially, it also makes sense that with only you working and 3 kids to provide for, the money is tight. She went the wrong way about it, that's for sure, springing the news that you weren't going 2 days before the wedding, but she may have had a reason for that.

 

I'm not saying you are wrong and your wife is right, I feel like there must be other important details you left out, but based on strictly your post, you sound like the typical bored husband who is in need of an exciting change. Hopefully you know the answer is not meeting other women and cheating on your wife, in fact that would be the worst thing you could do. Believe it or not, dating is not that great these days, the grass is most definitely not greener, and I truly think you'd be better off sitting your wife down and having a calm, constructive heart to heart, and trying to work on improving your marriage.

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How old are the kids? Why would a married women have a pof profile? Does she work? Have you tried marriage counseling or consulting an attorney to see what your options are financially and with your kids?

One example being POF dating app installed on her phone with an active profile on it, this i was told was done by one of our kids.

 

Usualy consists of me asking, and her reluctantly saying yes if i do something in return for the act of sex. This also gets me down too.

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Maybe you didn't put all pertinent info in your post, but from what you wrote I don't get the feeling that your wife is treating you poorly, it just sounds like a marriage that got boring for you and you would like to experience some excitement in your life.

I can't comment on the POF app on your wife's phone, because who knows what the truth is, but frankly, would she be stupid enough to put it on there and leave it for you to see? If she wanted to cheat, wouldn't she just log in via computer, so you wouldn't see the app icon on her phone screen? And also, is she missing for hours, would she have time to cheat, with 3 kids to care for? Only you know the answer to these questions.

 

The thing is, this is life. You have 3 kids, of course when you finish work you have to come home and help with them. Kids can be draining and your wife can't and shouldn't be the one to care for them 24/7.

Sex also doesn't stay at porn level forever, life happens and again...with 3 kids, i am not surprised sex is no longer your wife's priority. The bad news for you is that even if you leave her for a newer, maybe younger model, the same thing will happen, both the relationship and sex will eventually become stale and unexciting, because the novelty is replaced with habit and comfort.

 

Financially, it also makes sense that with only you working and 3 kids to provide for, the money is tight. She went the wrong way about it, that's for sure, springing the news that you weren't going 2 days before the wedding, but she may have had a reason for that.

 

I'm not saying you are wrong and your wife is right, I feel like there must be other important details you left out, but based on strictly your post, you sound like the typical bored husband who is in need of an exciting change. Hopefully you know the answer is not meeting other women and cheating on your wife, in fact that would be the worst thing you could do. Believe it or not, dating is not that great these days, the grass is most definitely not greener, and I truly think you'd be better off sitting your wife down and having a calm, constructive heart to heart, and trying to work on improving your marriage.

 

Hi greta,

 

I dont expecy porn star level sex from my wife and never have, i would just like some reciprocation back. Like her showing me she wants me, not just me having to demean myself by being blackmaled into various request at the cost of having sex. And im not after it every night once a week and i would be happy.

 

In terms of letting my cousin down 2 days before his wedding i have to disagree with you, that realy is bad form, and could have been handled a lot better. Also she was very well aware he was my last friend/family member i had any contact with, who now hasnt spoken to me for a year, total lack of consideration i think.

 

Also you suggest im hunting for maybe a newer younger model? In all honesty i would just be happy to be myself, to have some input on my life and where its heading. Doesnt necesarly have to be with another partner.

 

Thanks for your point of view greta.

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How old are the kids? Why would a married women have a pof profile? Does she work? Have you tried marriage counseling or consulting an attorney to see what your options are financially and with your kids?

Hi wiseman, i have 3 kids ranging from 5 to 11.The only reason i think she had a dating app was the obvious, okhams razor and what not lol.

In terms of counciling we havent had any, i have made a lot of sacrifices in this relationship but she feels she had no areas she needs to improve herself, doesnt feel her changing is required. I have tried many times to open up to her. Getting nowhere.

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Maybe you didn't put all pertinent info in your post, but from what you wrote I don't get the feeling that your wife is treating you poorly, it just sounds like a marriage that got boring for you and you would like to experience some excitement in your life.

I can't comment on the POF app on your wife's phone, because who knows what the truth is, but frankly, would she be stupid enough to put it on there and leave it for you to see? If she wanted to cheat, wouldn't she just log in via computer, so you wouldn't see the app icon on her phone screen? And also, is she missing for hours, would she have time to cheat, with 3 kids to care for? Only you know the answer to these questions.

 

The thing is, this is life. You have 3 kids, of course when you finish work you have to come home and help with them. Kids can be draining and your wife can't and shouldn't be the one to care for them 24/7.

Sex also doesn't stay at porn level forever, life happens and again...with 3 kids, i am not surprised sex is no longer your wife's priority. The bad news for you is that even if you leave her for a newer, maybe younger model, the same thing will happen, both the relationship and sex will eventually become stale and unexciting, because the novelty is replaced with habit and comfort.

 

Financially, it also makes sense that with only you working and 3 kids to provide for, the money is tight. She went the wrong way about it, that's for sure, springing the news that you weren't going 2 days before the wedding, but she may have had a reason for that.

 

I'm not saying you are wrong and your wife is right, I feel like there must be other important details you left out, but based on strictly your post, you sound like the typical bored husband who is in need of an exciting change. Hopefully you know the answer is not meeting other women and cheating on your wife, in fact that would be the worst thing you could do. Believe it or not, dating is not that great these days, the grass is most definitely not greener, and I truly think you'd be better off sitting your wife down and having a calm, constructive heart to heart, and trying to work on improving your marriage.

Also in terms of my wife having to deal with the kids 24/7 im actualy a very active dad, everything she does i do on alternate days. From the washing to school runs baby bottles and sh *ty nappies iv done it all.

As i said in my original post i struggle with the thought of breaking a family up as im an active dad in this family.

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Ok that is hard, why not find a counselor yourself for communication tips and eventually she can join a session rather than 'dragging' her there if she is resistant to 'change'.

 

Yeah, kids 5-11 do not inadvertently install dating apps.

In terms of counciling we havent had any, i have made a lot of sacrifices in this relationship but she feels she had no areas she needs to improve herself, doesnt feel her changing is required. I have tried many times to open up to her. Getting nowhere.
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Ok that is hard, why not find a counselor yourself for communication tips and eventually she can join a session rather than 'dragging' her there if she is resistant to 'change'.

 

Yeah, kids 5-11 do not inadvertently install dating apps.

 

I have asked in the past if should would consider talking to someone how she feels, had no interest in it whatsoever totaly clear of any mistakes in her eyes. I have decided to put up a metaphorical wall between us for now, distance myself as i dont need the emotional pain any more.

Gona see if this helps see things more clearly, see a way out maybe.

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Does she work or earn an income?

 

I'd set up 3 bank accounts: his, hers and ours. The ours account is the one that covers all bills, joint savings and investments. Anything left over goes into your own accounts to be saved or spent as you each see fit. Then nobody has veto power over the other's purchases, and there's one less thing to fight or feel resentful about.

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