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Thread: !!Going crazy don't know if hes my dream or nightmare or gay ....HELP PLS

  1. #1

    !!Going crazy don't know if hes my dream or nightmare or gay ....HELP PLS

    ...at least nothing solid enough for me to willingly leave my comfortable willing denial to try (again ... because I have asked once before about six months ago) to shake him out of his far deeper denial. And maybe he isn't even gay because its not like Ive found him watching gay porn or having sex with a man or talking about doing so or anything like that... but from the beginning he didn't seem interested in sex which is a situation I have never found myself in before. But as I had been abstinent since my last relationship (which was the person Id say before was the love of my life , the first one, and with whom I was very sexual and needed to clear my mind and spirit so stayed solo after that for awhile and became a workaholic...like him.. which is how we met)

    I thought maybe he was being respectful or maybe it was this or that (in me... he would give one excuse after another that just didn't sound like a real excuse for a straight man to not have sex with his physically fit and healthy girlfriend....first it was that his first ex who was almost a decade ago hurt him so bad he didn't feel safe having sex -she cheated on him and he walked in on it- I understand scarring Ive been through the ringer too but for that scar to stay that long with two other girlfriends in between not undoing it seemed off. then he would pick at one little physical trait of mine after another saying he didn't like girls who had that -usually something like missing an eyebrow shaping making 'that' messy eyebrows or having one hair anywhere on my body or not having rock hard abs/flat flat stomach despite my stomach being pretty damn flat but it was one thing then another then another and none of them sounded like real actual reasons. I couldn't figure it out.

    We had by that point become partners in a company that was a big deal in the industry and had been hired together and made a pretty good work team. For the first months there was some foreplay , one or two times we had (rough and disengaged) sex and mostly belittling type of porn style blow jobs. I became more and more annoyed that he would demand these without giving anything not even ...anything.

    And he wasn't affectionate. Every guy Ive been with who loved me the way he claimed and claims to has wanted to touch me, caress me, hug me (and he does these things on and off ... usually on is when he has a male role model figure in his life like our scummy ex boss ...when he would call or give us attention or something he would be lovey dovey and huggy and kissy and the whole nine yards... when we finally left there was also a period when we had big plans which I drafted to do our own thing (which we still are now and are finally on the door of success at) and he started being that way with me just with me there ... but then another guy from our past came back into our lives and he would sit on the phone and talk to him on speaker for hours and hours every day with little inside jokes and giggles which he always does with his male friends but never seems to , or rarely seems to with me,

    it seems like he treats me and other women like straight men treat men (though me less and less since I began pointing out the inherent sexism that allowed him to think it was okay that anyone including him diminish me for being female or deny me opportunity I had worked for because of it... eventually he has also started standing up for me but still always seems like there is a resentment at it afterwards. Same as with any periods of brief affection... which never end in sex... we havent had sex in five months... and we have only been together a litle over a year (lived together and been partners and gone through hell and back in our previous company and to get where we are in our current one) ...

    Ive brought it up over and over again how selfish and unfair it is to only ask for head from me and give me nothing, Ive asked if he is gay or just plain unattracted to me and to let me go if that was the case (even tried breaking up with him after a particularly nasty period when he took a job beneath his skill base to help us save to build our company for a month... he was so cruel during that time I barely recognized him.. but despite not coming out to comfort me or indicate he wanted to fight for us for the whole day... he may have been crying.. he ended up disappearing into the shower, shaving his beard off and looking all cute and stuff though that seemed a bit irrelevant at the time then said he wanted to fight for us and I would have to kill him to get rid of him... but by the next day was back to being a which lasted until that job ended) . He gets competitive and bitter and petty with me and then gets boyfriendoftheyear and unbelievably supportive and sweet back and forth and back and forth.

    I know he isn't cheating merely because aside from that month he worked somewhere else we spend every day together and night. And he hates going anywhere without me (while I kind of encourage it so I can pursue my hobbies and passions a bit and get some alone time... though as soon as he does leave I miss him). Lately everything has been looking up and he has been so unbelievably sweet and caring and he got me my dream that I never thought I could achieve and got our company doing better than we could hope for... but it was by working with a not so subtly not so in the closet older man and it just brings out old fears all over again.

    I mean Ive caught him talking on the sly to exes (only the ones he dated online and who didnt bring me comfort because she looked so much like a boy I had to actually look through her pictures to see ... oddly relieved that the person he lied about or straight omitted who had popped up with a message on his phone while I was using it to find us a new place ing about me to him ... was female) but its like thats all I ever had to go off that he wasnt gay. The fact he (never admitted but I know) watched porn whenever I left at times and occasionally spoke to his ex and other females flirtatiously (not in the last half of our relationship, he actually ended up blocking her)

    The strongest reaction I get isnt even due to the lack of sex (which I realize is not normal at all... nor is the fact it seems he is grossed out by vaginas and anything to do with female anatomy) but the way he is with his male friends. I kept thinking I shouldnt be feeling sad that he doesn't talk to me with the intimacy and affection and attention paid that he gives to his male friends who he would talk to for hours at a time all of them... but whenever I had an actual issue with one he would grumble but then drop them. Which is never what I asked but seemed to be his response everytime.

    I just was trying to understand their relationship and ours by asking questions... especially when these were men who had screwed him or us over in the past in business or friendship and he seemed so willing to let bygones be bygones and accept them back with open arms while I hadnt messed up once throughout our entire relationship and he used every little thing he possibly could against me regularly like I was a monster or just plain made stuff up like he does all the cleaning because he makes a big fuss when he does the dishes (which I do every other time, along with the laundry, feeding our Bengal, all the errands that require going out of the house in a car and pay for at least more than half so its not like he is doing that old fashioned 'male' thing in the first place to expect me to be his maid, which somehow still end up as... a maid who gives him head and works with him in business (where he shows the most respect to me) .

    Its almost like despite how much I love him I want to just be business partners because it feels like thats exactly what we are and everything else (the label) only seems to screw me by making people take me less serious or like the girlfriend despite being the one who started and created every aspect of our company and finally when I could show him my vision brought him in kicking and screaming till he saw it... not to mention I have never been so in need of sex. Being with someone who you love but never able to express it communicatively , intimately or sexually (he is working on the first two , mostly first one but still its just not enough)...

    I just feel like after all the bull I finally found the one that has everything I wanted and everything I didnt even know I needed... and its just not fair if he is gay. So I keep hoping Im wrong. But what else could it be? (and yes Ive asked multiple times and he shows me why he is the master of convenient ADD lapses). Ive considered aspergers, somatic narcissism, everything ... I just don't know.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    What about just plain selfish and conceited? Move out and go back to being business partners. Why tolerate this humiliating existence?
    Originally Posted by FolieADeux
    end up as... a maid who gives him head. Ive considered aspergers, somatic narcissism, everything ... I just don't know.

  3. #3
    Gold Member brienoch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    This was exhausting to read, I couldn't imagine living it.

    Why are you wasting so much time trying to diagnose him or figure him out? His violent mood swings and his treatment toward you generally is enough of a reason for you to leave the relationship immediately, who cares if he is gay or not at this point?

    By the way, my current boss is a 61 year old gay man who was married for many years to his ex-wife and has a child with her. He treats them both very well, and they are even taking a vacation together soon. They obviously got divorced after he came out, but they are very close friends still. Your boyfriend being gay literally doesn't matter in this situation, it wouldn't affect his treatment toward you. He is just treating you badly because that is who he is.

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