Still missing him

Hi all,

So here I am, just past four months post break up, and nearly three months of 100% NC. I'm trying to do the right things for myself, make the right choices, keep pushing forward even when I don't feel like it. I've made some awesome new friends and added some great new activities to my life. Socially I am busy and happy. I even went on a date, and though it proved to be too soon for that, I'm still glad I went. It was a pleasant experience and I learned a lot from it. My time alone is good too. It feels peaceful and relaxed, rather than empty and lonely, the way it did at first.

All in all, I feel very similar now to how I did before I met him. I'm just living my life, doing the things I like, hanging out with people I enjoy, and loving the freedom of being single and being able to go directly from decision to action without consulting anyone else. I want cereal for dinner, I have it. I want to binge-watch the first four seasons of Oz, I do. I want to book a spontaneous solo trip to Hawaii in November, yep... I do that too.

I have a lot less pain. I can't say NO pain, but much, much less. I have a lot less sadness too. Down moments here and there, sure, but overall I am feeling pretty happy. I know I owe all of this healing to NC and time.

Here's my issue: even the combined strength of NC and time have done nothing to lessen my missing of him. Seriously. Nothing. I miss him as much, if not more, now than I did on day one. I miss talking to him so badly. And I continue to struggle with knowing that he also wants to talk to me, and that the only reason we are not in contact is because I've said it must be that way. Every day it's a battle to fight against the urge to contact him, because not doing so is starting to feel completely pointless. I know we are not going to reconcile, but I miss having him in my life.

I know the obvious answer here is to just stay the course, and that's what I've been doing. But how do I keep the willpower to do that, when I'm in this push-pull battle with myself? Everyday the pain gets better (thanks to NC), and everyday the missing gets worse (also thanks to NC). It's a battle I can't seem to win, and I'm getting tired of fighting it. The temptation to contact him and see how that feels, is very, VERY strong. Would it make the pain come back? Would it make the missing less? Would it be a situation that overall feels better, or worse, than my current one? I just don't know. But I'm getting really frustrated.

Any input or thoughts would be welcome.

Do you miss him or the relationship you had?

Do you miss him or the relationship you had?

I miss both. We had a good relationship so of course I miss that, but it is gone and over. It no longer exists. But he does. HE still exists, and I miss him.

I miss both. We had a good relationship so of course I miss that, but it is gone and over. It no longer exists. But he does. HE still exists, and I miss him.

I know how you feel. And it's weird to see it's allready been 4 months.

For me it's 8 months and I still miss her.

Honestly,dont contact him, it wont make things better. My ex contacted me few times and I even felt that I feel nothing,but then after some time when she ghosted me it started to hurt. Best thing to do is to block them.

Yes stay the course. It is also good to talk about how you feel as well. Your brain just has to keep processing the loss.

 

For me it's 8 months and I still miss her.

This is disheartening. I don't want to be feeling the same way I do right now, another four months down the line. I'm sorry you are in that place, Wolf.

He hasn't contacted and me and will not, unless I initiate something first. He is a good guy and though my NC request upset him, he's respected it. The trust and respect that we have for each other, even through the breakup process, has always been the foundation of our relationship. We were lovers, but we were also very good friends. And that is the part I miss most.

Hi all,

 

All in all, I feel very similar now to how I did before I met him. I'm just living my life, doing the things I like, hanging out with people I enjoy, and loving the freedom of being single and being able to go directly from decision to action without consulting anyone else.

 

I want cereal for dinner, I have it. I want to binge-watch the first four seasons of Oz, I do. I want to book a spontaneous solo trip to Hawaii in November, yep... I do that too.

 

First off I am really sorry to hear about your break up but super happy to hear you've finally made peace and are moving on!

With respect to above though... specifically the bolded, is there any reason why you couldn't do all those things while in a RL?

I have been in three LTRs but I will refer to my longest one, six years -- we broke up last December (drugs and alcohol but that's another discussion).

I think one reason why our RL worked so well was because while we both loved each other and were 100% committed, we both allowed each other the space to do our thing from time to time also.

Where we drew the line was cheating of course, but if he or I wanted cereal for dinner, we'd have it, binge-watch a particular show, we would ....and we both traveled solo on occasion also.

It's good and healthy to maintain a certain independence from each other, it also makes the RL A LOT more fun and exciting too.

Even though we lived together, there were times when we go off and do our own thing, allowing us a chance to miss each other, and maintain the passion.

We still went on "dates" and I recall one time where we met each other at a bar, pretended we didn't know each other and he proceeded to pick me up!

That was really fun and we would have a good laugh about it even years after it happened.

Stuff like that kept it new and exciting... and well, when we broke up, while I was extremely sad and devastated, I was able to move on relatively quickly (it's been eight months and I completely over him)... all because my entire world was NOT wrapped up in his world, I still did my own thing, as did he, and we both maintained a certain level of independence... that IMO is good positive and healthy.... and makes it easier to move on should the RL not work out.

Not sure why I am telling you all this.... maybe just food for thought going into your next RL.

Best of luck as you move forward!

I went through something similar and it was honestly 2 years before I turned a corner and started missing her less.

You can't make it on willpower alone, you'll burn out. But you can form new habits surrounding the "I miss him" mental trigger. Text a friend who supports your resolution to maintain NC and ask her to remind you of all the reasons why this is a good idea. Exercise. Scream into a pillow. Start a gratitude journal and read it as a reminder of how good your life is now.

It may seem harmless to just let him back in your life, but it could really set you back. It could also just be prolonging the inevitable, as having this guy hanging on might keep you from looking for, wanting or being able to have a successful new relationship.

Hi all,

 

Here's my issue: even the combined strength of NC and time have done nothing to lessen my missing of him. Seriously. Nothing. I miss him as much, if not more, now than I did on day one. I miss talking to him so badly. And I continue to struggle with knowing that he also wants to talk to me, and that the only reason we are not in contact is because I've said it must be that way. Every day it's a battle to fight against the urge to contact him, because not doing so is starting to feel completely pointless. I know we are not going to reconcile, but I miss having him in my life.

 

I know the obvious answer here is to just stay the course, and that's what I've been doing. But how do I keep the willpower to do that, when I'm in this push-pull battle with myself? Everyday the pain gets better (thanks to NC), and everyday the missing gets worse (also thanks to NC). It's a battle I can't seem to win, and I'm getting tired of fighting it. The temptation to contact him and see how that feels, is very, VERY strong. Would it make the pain come back? Would it make the missing less? Would it be a situation that overall feels better, or worse, than my current one? I just don't know. But I'm getting really frustrated.

 

Any input or thoughts would be welcome.

gypsy, I KNOW I am in the minority here.... but why do you feel it necessary to maintain no contact? No contact puts us in a state of "longing" which sometimes can be MORE intense than the love we felt while we were in the RL!

I think it's okay to reach out from time to time... what will happen is, in time, your need to do that will become less and less, until it's not there at all... and that is when you know you have moved on for good.

Just be careful when you reach out, to keep it light and casual. Sort of a catch up.

Right now you are romanticizing him and longing for him, which IMO is not doing you any good whatsoever and is actually preventing you from moving on.

Again I know I am in the minority on this one, but I have BTDT (with my ex I talked about in previous post).

We were no contact for months, and I was longing for him all that time, romanticizing him and our RL, but once he reached out to me, and we finally spoke, it hit me "wow I am no longer in love with this man," and I was able to move on for good.

Just my experience with no contact and why I think it's okay for a couple of months, but in the long term it really serves no good purpose IMO.

I miss both. We had a good relationship so of course I miss that, but it is gone and over. It no longer exists. But he does. HE still exists, and I miss him.

This. x100

And im 18 months out of a decade plus relationship.

With time you will learn how to deal with that loss, to miss them, still have sad days, but it wont be as bad as it is nowadays.

Good luck! Things will get better.

I'm experiencing something similar.

It's the first thing I think of when I wake up - his absence. And then I feel the emotion that comes with that thought.

(I think of the good parts of course. Not the bad. How conveniently we focus on the good and at times forget the reasons we broke up)

What I am practicing now is `thought stopping. Because there is a thought that precedes the emotion or feeling.

I really don't want to feel sad or miss him anymore.

The moment he comes into my mind or something reminds me of him I quickly push it out before the emotion has a chance to catch up.

I keep reminding myself that thoughts and emotions are choices we make.

Not to say we have complete control over this. . But with practice it definitely helps.

Keep NC it will get easier. My ex contacts me and it kills me. There's no way I'll talk to her but it still absolutely hurts. I know it's not even rational that I should feel this way. I don't hate her I hate her actions. Be strong it will get that much easier with NC

I went through something similar and it was honestly 2 years before I turned a corner and started missing her less.

 

You can't make it on willpower alone, you'll burn out. But you can form new habits surrounding the "I miss him" mental trigger. Text a friend who supports your resolution to maintain NC and ask her to remind you of all the reasons why this is a good idea. Exercise. Scream into a pillow. Start a gratitude journal and read it as a reminder of how good your life is now.

 

It may seem harmless to just let him back in your life, but it could really set you back. It could also just be prolonging the inevitable, as having this guy hanging on might keep you from looking for, wanting or being able to have a successful new relationship.

This is also discouraging to read. I hope it doesn't take me that long- the relationship itself was only 1.5 years. I have one close friend who fully supports NC, and another who thinks I might as well contact him and attempt a friendship, because she believes it would either ease my suffering if it went well, or force me to let go if it went badly. Either way she thinks I'd be better off than where I currently am.

Gypsy.

"Would it make the pain come back? "

Yes, it would, and worse than before, and set you back in your healing journey. How could you possibly be "better off" attempting a friendship?

This is also discouraging to read. I hope it doesn't take me that long- the relationship itself was only 1.5 years. I have one close friend who fully supports NC, and another who thinks I might as well contact him and attempt a friendship, because she believes it would either ease my suffering if it went well, or force me to let go if it went badly. Either way she thinks I'd be better off than where I currently am.

You know you can't be friends with him right now. I wouldn't take your friends advice.

gypsy, I KNOW I am in the minority here.... but why do you feel it necessary to maintain no contact? No contact puts us in a state of "longing" which sometimes can be MORE intense than the love we felt while we were in the RL!

 

I think it's okay to reach out from time to time... what will happen is, in time, your need to do that will become less and less, until it's not there at all... and that is when you know you have moved on for good.

 

Just be careful when you reach out, to keep it light and casual. Sort of a catch up.

 

Right now you are romanticizing him and longing for him, which IMO is not doing you any good whatsoever and is actually preventing you from moving on.

 

Again I know I am in the minority on this one, but I have BTDT (with my ex I talked about in previous post).

 

We were no contact for months, and I was longing for him all that time, romanticizing him and our RL, but once he reached out to me, and we finally spoke, it hit me "wow I am no longer in love with this man," and I was able to move on for good.

 

Just my experience with no contact and why I think it's okay for a couple of months, but in the long term it really serves no good purpose IMO.

What you've expressed here is pretty much exactly what I am wondering about. I needed NC at first because I was in too much pain and communication with him was upsetting. But I'm no longer in that state of mind. I agree that the longing/missing/romanticizing is all fed into to some degree by maintaining forced NC. By "forced" I mean he doesn't want it, and now neither do I. Three months of it has not changed my level of missing him at all. According to some replies on this thread, NC hasn't changed the missing even over eight months, or two years. So as you've said, long term... what is the purpose? I just don't know.

I agree with forever NC in a lot of cases. When there has been betrayal, abuse, extreme fighting, one person yo-yo'ing the other... all that stuff.... then you are far better keeping the door firmly shut with an ex. Like with my ex-husband who cheated. There is nothing- and I mean NOTHING, not even a death- that would compel me to communicate with him or respond to a communication from him. EVER. But that's not the situation with my current break up. Sounds like it wasn't with yours either. Thanks for sharing your experience, and for supporting the minority point of view. I really appreciate it.

I'm experiencing something similar.

It's the first thing I think of when I wake up - his absence. And then I feel the emotion that comes with that thought.

Ugh. I was in that place for a long time. I would remember his absence and get a sick feeling in my stomach, even before my eyes were open. I've been past that for awhile now and I hope you get there soon too. I've tried the thought diverting you described. Apparently I'm not very good at it.

Gypsy.

Re-read this post of yours. It may bring reality back into sharp focus.

Gypsy.

 

Re-read this post of yours. It may bring reality back into sharp focus.

 

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ooo . . .good one!

That straighten me out and I didn't write it!

@reinvent, you're so cute. I'm sending you such a big hug right now!

@hermes, yes. Thank you for that. I remember how I felt when I made that post. I was in the ANGRY part of the grieving process for sure. It didn't last very long but I know it was an important stage for me to go through. That was also three months ago. None of those facts have changed, but how I feel about them and the degree to which they emotionally impact me has. They all still exist and they are all reasons why he and I will probably never reconcile. I acknowledge that and agree with it.

Gypsy, I can relate to so much of what you write and it's interesting because we're on the same timeline. We also each had a great relationship that didn't end in betrayal, lying, etc.. (although mine didn't end on a friendly note because of his immaturity).

I am living my life, keeping busy, making new friends, enjoying my new job (LOVE the kids at my school... they hug me and tell me they love me all day long!) and generally I feel pretty good. I even think I would be ready to go on a date if the *right* guy came along - I'm picky though, so I'm not focusing on that right now. Still though, I miss my ex. A big part of me would want to go back to him despite everything he's put me through, and even though my head fully accepts the breakup and all the reasons it wouldn't work out. I can't help the fact that I miss him. It was the most wonderful relationship I've ever been in. Part of me is afraid that in way I will always miss him, even after I've moved on. There are just NO bad memories to reflect on (except for the breakup itself). Every other breakup, even if it's been emotional and partially devastating, has also been a sigh of relief in many ways because the guy was a jerk or it was obvious we weren't a good match. This experience is very very different for me and I don't know what my feelings are going to look like in the coming months/years. I can't imagine that one day I'll be so happy it didn't work out with him, because deep in my heart I still believe it could have been great.

I don't know if this is the "right" way to think about it, but I imagine (or hope) that I will meet a man someday who will make me feel grateful my life took the turns it did. I think I would still look back on this past relationship with fondness, but (hopefully?) no emotion. It's hard to imagine right now. I realize it may take some time to start and develop a new relationship, and in the meantime I don't want to feel sad. So like you I'm staying the course. I'm focusing on developing strong friendships, both old and new. I'm trying to be present in every moment. I allow myself to think about memories of my ex here and there, but when I find myself really dwelling heavily on them I try to shift my focus to what is happening right in front of me and what I'm feeling in that very moment. Sometimes it works.

I think 4-5 months is just still early to expect tremendous improvement, especially since you had a really happy relationship that didn't end horribly. I think it's a great sign you're doing as well as you are. For what it's worth, I think contacting him right now would be a terrible idea.

Our wedding was scheduled for this Saturday, the 27th. Everything was planned, and the dress is still in my closet. I stupidly checked the weather in that region (it was an outdoor reception) and it's going to be warm and sunny the entire weekend. I've had a constant ache in my chest all week just thinking about what I would be doing right now if things hadn't ended. I have so many memories of me and him in the town we were getting married and I wish more than anything that I was there right now. So yeah, I'm missing him pretty hard right now. Send positive thoughts my way this weekend... It's going to be a tough one.

What you've expressed here is pretty much exactly what I am wondering about. I needed NC at first because I was in too much pain and communication with him was upsetting. But I'm no longer in that state of mind. .

Do not risk it,these were exactly my toughts when I was contacted by my ex. But giving in broke me way worse than before,right at the time I was going better.

Just hold it,in some time it will pass. What other options do you have? Contact him and fight with yourself "oh look he responded,he must love me", or not get an response and think "wow he really did move on fast", or what about finding out he's with somebody else? NC is the only way not to get hurt. And if you expect closure by contacting him, you will not get any. Closure can only be found in your head.

Stay strong! You can do this, and your thinking that you dont want to feel this way in another 4 months is just a proof you've moved far on from the first day,dont stop,just keep moving forward.

@reinvent, you're so cute. I'm sending you such a big hug right now!

 

@hermes, yes. Thank you for that. I remember how I felt when I made that post. I was in the ANGRY part of the grieving process for sure. It didn't last very long but I know it was an important stage for me to go through. That was also three months ago. None of those facts have changed, but how I feel about them and the degree to which they emotionally impact me has. They all still exist and they are all reasons why he and I will probably never reconcile. I acknowledge that and agree with it.

If you were in the Anger stage of grief bsck then, you're in the Bargaining stage now.

Some people take longer than others to heal. I'm like you. It takes me a long, long time to get over a heartbreak. You're impatient, that's totally normal. But talking yourself into breaking NC isn't the answer here. You know this instinctually. He will never give you what you need or want. Accepting this, really accepting it, will take time.

You're doing all the right things. NC isn't some magic elixir that heals you immediately. Give it more time. Be patient with yourself.

Do not risk it,these were exactly my toughts when I was contacted by my ex. But giving in broke me way worse than before,right at the time I was going better.

 

Just hold it,in some time it will pass. What other options do you have? Contact him and fight with yourself "oh look he responded,he must love me", or not get an response and think "wow he really did move on fast", or what about finding out he's with somebody else? NC is the only way not to get hurt. And if you expect closure by contacting him, you will not get any. Closure can only be found in your head.

 

Stay strong! You can do this, and your thinking that you dont want to feel this way in another 4 months is just a proof you've moved far on from the first day,dont stop,just keep moving forward.

I'm sorry you went through that. And no, I don't definitely don't want to open myself up to more hurt. I'm still struggling with all this, which is why I still haven't contacted him. I'm trying my best to be honest with myself about my expectations.

I don't expect closure from him. I have enough experience with that from my divorce to know that no one else can provide it for you.

I don't expect reconciliation.

I don't expect the same level/frequency of responses that he gave me while dating, nor would I give that to him

I DO expect that he has dated others by now, or may be in a relationship

I DO expect friendly communication and a "catch up" on each other's lives, as well as talking about our many shared interests

I'm just so tired of fighting with all this. The answer to that is probably "then just stop", but I can't seem to do that.

Gypsy, I can relate to so much of what you write and it's interesting because we're on the same timeline. We also each had a great relationship that didn't end in betrayal, lying, etc.. (although mine didn't end on a friendly note because of his immaturity).

.... I can't help the fact that I miss him. It was the most wonderful relationship I've ever been in. Part of me is afraid that in way I will always miss him, even after I've moved on. There are just NO bad memories to reflect on (except for the breakup itself). Every other breakup, even if it's been emotional and partially devastating, has also been a sigh of relief in many ways because the guy was a jerk or it was obvious we weren't a good match. This experience is very very different for me and I don't know what my feelings are going to look like in the coming months/years. I can't imagine that one day I'll be so happy it didn't work out with him, because deep in my heart I still believe it could have been great.

Parrot... thank you. I also relate to everything you are saying, especially all of the above. I've never gone through a breakup like this. All the things that made our relationship great are now what make the break up so difficult: the trust, the respect, the compatibility, the good times, the lack of bad times.

I don't know if this is the "right" way to think about it, but I imagine (or hope) that I will meet a man someday who will make me feel grateful my life took the turns it did. I think I would still look back on this past relationship with fondness, but (hopefully?) no emotion. It's hard to imagine right now. I realize it may take some time to start and develop a new relationship, and in the meantime I don't want to feel sad. So like you I'm staying the course. I'm focusing on developing strong friendships, both old and new. I'm trying to be present in every moment. I allow myself to think about memories of my ex here and there, but when I find myself really dwelling heavily on them I try to shift my focus to what is happening right in front of me and what I'm feeling in that very moment. Sometimes it works.

I'm glad you still have hope for the future. I can't really say that I do. I've given up on meeting someone who make all my prior pain worthwhile. I've thought I found that person several times now, and been very wrong, and only ended up getting hurt again. I have a lot of love to give, but I'm weary of giving it to men who end up walking away, because me and my love aren't good enough and they need to seek out something better. Which is exactly what happened this time. I'm a good person and I don't understand why I always seem to get discarded and left behind. So I'm attempting to do what you described, which is be present in the moment, and appreciate the things I do have in my life. But when it comes to any future hopes, I'm getting very jaded.

For what it's worth, I think contacting him right now would be a terrible idea.

Sigh. I know.

Our wedding was scheduled for this Saturday, the 27th. Everything was planned, and the dress is still in my closet. I stupidly checked the weather in that region (it was an outdoor reception) and it's going to be warm and sunny the entire weekend. I've had a constant ache in my chest all week just thinking about what I would be doing right now if things hadn't ended. I have so many memories of me and him in the town we were getting married and I wish more than anything that I was there right now. So yeah, I'm missing him pretty hard right now. Send positive thoughts my way this weekend... It's going to be a tough one.

I can't even imagine what you must be feeling, parrot. I am so sorry. I will be holding you close in my thoughts all weekend. Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my post, and to share so much of yourself. It helps more than you know.