Got Too Drunk On Second Date

Hi everyone,

A little background information, I'm 24 years old and got out of a year long relationship a couple months ago. I recently decided to get on the dating app Bumble to get myself out there and socialize. I went on a date with a couple of guys I didn't like. The third guy I met was 32 years old and really great... he was tall, successful and we really hit it off. The only issue is he lived in Chicago and was visiting for work. Anyway, he took me out to a nice dinner on our first date, and we had a REALLY great time. We talked the entire time and found out we had A LOT in common. He even said I was the female version of himself. We decided to go out to the bars after, and drank and danced the entire night. Once the bars closed we walked back to my place and he ended up staying the night (nothing happened sexually), we literally kissed, giggled and passed out. He was very vocal about how much he liked me, and even mentioned wanting to make it work long distance. The next morning, he gave me a kiss goodbye, and left for some meetings. He then flew to LA for work. We talked that entire next week, and he even asked me to meet up with him in LA. I had a lot going on, so I told him I couldn't. Saturday rolls around, and he calls and tells me he really wants to see me and can fly out to my city that same night on the last flight out. I said it sounded like a great idea, so we planned on seeing each other later that night. I didn't eat dinner because I thought maybe we would grab a bite to eat when he got here. I also had about half a bottle of wine while getting ready and waiting for him. He finally shows up at about 10:45pm. When he gets here we talk and have a little wine before we head out. I really wanted to keep the night mellow and had planned to go to a wine bar but he said he "wouldn't mind getting loose", so we end up going to another area of bars where it's busier. We get to the bar and he orders us a shot of tequila and a drink. After the shot of tequila, I feel really drunk. We then go to the next bar where I remember seeing some friends. We sit at the table with the people I know, and that is the last thing I remember. Apparently we went to another bar after that, and we walked home after. The next morning I wake up in my bed fully clothed and turn over to ask him what happened. He tells me it was "really bad", but proceeds to try and hook up? I was really confused...Any way, we don't end up hooking up and he packs his things and says "I'm going to go". I noticed it was 9 am and his flight wasn't until noon, so I said "wow, I'm sorry if it was that bad where you have to leave early... can I at least buy you breakfast to make up for it" and he says "no, I’m sorry" and leaves. I shoot him a text later that day telling him he made me feel really bad, and that I honestly don’t remember anything. He texts me back saying if it weren’t for him I’d be in jail or in a hospital and described me as being violent and aggressive. Thing is, I’ve never really been described as that. I have a very high tolerance for alcohol, and am usually really fun (like the previous time we’d hung out). I will admit, all of my boyfriends have told me they don’t like when I get to a “certain point” because I have a tendency to become a bit of a liability (as in sassy, vulgar, obnoxious etc)… however the words “violent” and “aggressive” have never been used to describe me. I had a LOT going on mentally, as I had just moved states, and got out of a year long relationship… so maybe that brought it out in me?

This whole situation has me feeling incredibly ashamed, embarrassed… and it’s honestly really bruised my ego. He deleted me on social media, and the last text he sent me was “I wish you luck figuring out your issues” lol. I’m such a kind, respectful and rational person with a good head on my shoulders. I own a business and am lightyears ahead of people my age. I’ve never had a guy do this before. I feel rejected, and like maybe there is something wrong with me now! I am a social drinker, and have never felt the need for alcohol but this jekyl hyde situation has me really FREAKED out. What if I really was that bad! Has anyone had this type of experience? It’s also important to mention that when I asked exactly what I did he only said “you were extremely aggressive and violent” and didn’t provide examples. I don’t think he’s making this up, as it seems pretty extreme to make up. Thoughts on this?

How many drinks did you have before you couldn't remember anything? Do you think someone gave you a rookie? Did you ask your friends what happened?

Yeah...quit drinking. Obviously you over indulge and act belligerent..not very attractive.

I actually asked him that, and he said the way I was acting didn't seem like I was roofied. I'll admit drinking as much as I did in such a short amount of time and on an empty stomach was a recipe for disaster (didn't seem like it at the time)

I'm sorry this happened... I had an issue where I got too drunk on a first date because of shots given to us by a bartender. The first date turned into a one-night stand and never heard from her again, and I liked her. She had brought me home and it just happened. I don't do one-night stands, either, it is so unlike me, and I don't remember much that night... Lesson learned, avoid shots on initial dates! Maybe he bought the shot of tequila thinking that was your first drink of the night?

I'm glad that nothing seemed to happen and he made sure you got home - it's scary that you don't remember the rest of that night.

Don't feel bad or rejected - just learn from this experience.

Thanks... I clearly know it was unattractive.

I can think of several potential things that could have happened that night:

a) your previous boyfriends, because they knew and loved you, may have sugarcoated how you behave after a few too many drinks, and since this guy wasn't really fully invested he told you the honest truth.

b) someone slipped something into one of your drinks while you were out and instead of simply passing out you went into an opposite reaction and became aggressive, which yes that is a thing that can happen. It's rare, but it happens. I say that because the blacking out and the behavior unlike that of how you are, even when you are drunk, can sometimes be an indication of something like that. Not sure who would've slipped something into your drink, but maybe when you were at the bars?

c) third possibility is you got drunk, blacked out etc. BUT it wasn't that as bad as he's made it out to be. However the next morning when he didn't get to have sex he went a bit sour grapes on you and decided he'd been wasting him time in trying to get you into bed, and was a bit nasty and then lashed out and took the opportunity to exaggerate, frustrated that he didn't get what he wanted.

Or maybe it's something else entirely. Whatever it is if it greatly concerns you ask the friends you saw that night what their recollection of your behavior was if it really is bothering you.

In the meantime if it were me regardless, I'd take this as a wake up call to limit your drinking and not drink with someone you really don't know in social situations.

All you can do at this point is move forward, because whatever happened you don't remember. And he's no longer willing to stay in touch. You had a bad date that went wrong, most people myself included have had those for a variety of reasons. It stings now, but that sting will fade. Sorry this happened. It's unfortunate.

Sounds like it got out of hand you have to be aware of your limits. You also have to be aware you are drinking with a guy and bringing him home hrs after meeting them. I have no idea why he stayed or tried to hook up with you after such a night out. He was obviously trying to get some at least he did it when u were aware. Meet men sober drunk is a horrable look if your trying to meet a guy you actually want a relationship with. Everyone makes mistakes be smart and careful.

I can think of several potential things that could have happened that night:

 

a) your previous boyfriends, because they knew and loved you, may have sugarcoated how you behave after a few too many drinks, and since this guy wasn't really fully invested he told you the honest truth.

 

b) someone slipped something into one of your drinks while you were out and instead of simply passing out you went into an opposite reaction and became aggressive, which yes that is a thing that can happen. It's rare, but it happens. I say that because the blacking out and the behavior unlike that of how you are, even when you are drunk, can sometimes be an indication of something like that. Not sure who would've slipped something into your drink, but maybe when you were at the bars?

 

c) third possibility is you got drunk, blacked out etc. BUT it wasn't that as bad as he's made it out to be. However the next morning when he didn't get to have sex he went a bit sour grapes on you and decided he'd been wasting him time in trying to get you into bed, and was a bit nasty and then lashed out and took the opportunity to exaggerate, frustrated that he didn't get what he wanted.

 

Or maybe it's something else entirely. Whatever it is if it greatly concerns you ask the friends you saw that night what their recollection of your behavior was if it really is bothering you.

 

In the meantime if it were me regardless, I'd take this as a wake up call to limit your drinking and not drink with someone you really don't know in social situations.

 

All you can do at this point is move forward, because whatever happened you don't remember. And he's no longer willing to stay in touch. You had a bad date that went wrong, most people myself included have had those for a variety of reasons. It stings now, but that sting will fade. Sorry this happened. It's unfortunate.

ParisPaulette-

Wow, you confirmed everything I'd been thinking. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to read my post and really give me good advice. The craziness happened after we left the club where I saw my friends, so unfortunately he's the only person I can ask about that night. I feel really ashamed and embarrassed. I care a lot about my image and feel like this guy thinks I'm a total lunatic now. The people who know me know I'm very nice and normal Wish I could rewind time.

Do not feel ashamed and embarrassed (for long). I know it's hard to limit that, but grieve this for a short time and take it as a kind of 'blessing' in disguise. A lot of red flags popped up for me while reading your post, which I'm surprised others didn't mention.

1. Something about that first date bothered me - how he spent the night and how much drinking there was on a first date. When I was online dating, and looked back at all of my experiences from it, that was something that happened only with guys who really wanted to get sex from me, but were socially intelligent enough to know, from researching what women want out there and what we consider as red flags, that making a pass at sex with a girl on a first date can end the game. I get that in this case he was in from out of town, but something in there alerted me, fwiw.

2. The late night flight out for a second time seeing you was a mega red flag for me. Arriving at almost 11pm, then saying he wanted to 'get loose' and ordering a tequila shot and drinks instead of just taking you to dinner or something? I'm guessing if you guys hung out at your apt beforehand for awhile, you didn't even get to the bar until very very late at night, and exhaustion can magnify the effects of alcohol 10x. Again I don't think this was that innocent. He was expecting to have sex with you, second date, and I do not buy his words about wanting to start some long distance relationship with you. He's not some innocent bystander to how the night turned out - you're responsible for your actions, but his holier-than-thou crap the next day has more to do, in my opinion, with the lack of action he received than your 'issues.'

3. Your drinking a half bottle of wine without eating while getting ready. Girl, if he was that late, a sandwich or something was in order. I've definitely been there, so no judgment, but there is nothing more embarrassing (as you clearly know) than looking back on a date and realizing you got sloppy and it could've been avoided. I can barely handle tequila when it's paired with enchiladas and chips and salsa. No surprise at all that coupling that with a bottle of wine, empty stomach, and the super late hour would equal such a mess. Definitely take some time to get over the break up before going into too much more dating, because breakups take a huge toll on self esteem and can make the urge for social lubricant go through the roof.

4. I'm honestly wondering if he tried something sexually and you were 'aggressive' because you were fending him off. The second date is way way way wayy too soon to have someone you hardly know come and spend the night. If he was expecting sex (and I firmly believe he was) and you turned him down in any kind of negative, ego-blowing (to him) way, he was probably angry about it. Then the hookup didn't happen in the morning and he was outta there. Another sign, to me, that maybe he was turned off by your drunkenness but even more so he was probably annoyed he didn't get any and he doesn't see a point in taking things any further.

So look, it happened. It's not something for you to beat yourself up about. When I've been in your shoes in the past, drinking definitely brought out sides of me that surprised me in a bad way... and I hardly drink now (and haven't seen much need to in the past year or so as a result of those times). We aren't as in control as we feel like we are in those moments, and for your own safety it's probably best not to drink for awhile and figure out what's up.

Totally disagree with the previous poster. If the guy really was only after having sex with her, he would have done that while she was passed out. It seems her behavior was such a turn off, that he event couldn't bring himself to have sex with her. OP, you have to really watch out your drinking, do not try to justify it with this and that, you are responsible for your conduct.

I saw nobody here mentioning that the guy acted gentlemanish by bringing her home and putting her in bed. If I were a man and my date gets drunk and obnoxious on a second date, I would have simply dumped her there and then, and let her deal with the consequences of her not knowing her limits with alcohol. he didn't do that to you. At lest for that you can be thankful to him.

Instead it seems like OP feels entitled to his forgiveness and continued interest in her. On what grounds, OP? You got drunk like a pig, but you expect to be treated as a lady. Behave like a lady, if you want to be treated like a lady. Know your limits.

Totally disagree with the previous poster. If the guy really was only after having sex with her, he would have done that while she was passed out.

Not unless he wanted to be hit with a rape charge he would't!! Sex without consent is rape don't you know?!?! (Of course you do!) Did you seriously just say that?!

You are very lucky that this happened in a situation where you weren't raped/assaulted/robbed etc. It doesn't sound like this guy had long term potential anyway given the distance. Also good to realize that if you feel you need to drink more than a glass of wine with dinner on a date then either you're not ready to be on a date or you don't feel secure enough to be with that particular person. That doesn't cause you to drink -you make the choice to drink, every time - just suggesting that your choice is likely based on a sign that you might want to avoid dating/dating that person if it triggers an urge to make a bad choice like that.

Totally disagree with the previous poster. If the guy really was only after having sex with her, he would have done that while she was passed out. It seems her behavior was such a turn off, that he event couldn't bring himself to have sex with her. OP, you have to really watch out your drinking, do not try to justify it with this and that, you are responsible for your conduct.

 

I saw nobody here mentioning that the guy acted gentlemanish by bringing her home and putting her in bed. If I were a man and my date gets drunk and obnoxious on a second date, I would have simply dumped her there and then, and let her deal with the consequences of her not knowing her limits with alcohol. he didn't do that to you. At lest for that you can be thankful to him.

Instead it seems like OP feels entitled to his forgiveness and continued interest in her. On what grounds, OP? You got drunk like a pig, but you expect to be treated as a lady. Behave like a lady, if you want to be treated like a lady. Know your limits.

Uh... Pretty sure I said he was aiming to have sex with her. As in - CONSENSUAL sex, where she would be up for it too. Never once said I thought he was flying out there to rape her, which is what nailing her while she was passed out would've been. Yikes!! Way to bring this to a whole new level of skeevy!

Also - did you even read her whole post? OP never once blamed it on him, she was just giving us the backstory. She even said she is humiliated by her behavior and wanted to try to talk to him to at least figure out what happened. Her shame is obvious. What post are you reading? You're knee-jerk responding and assuming just because she's writing a story about how she got pass-out drunk with a guy and things went wrong that she's blaming him for her behavior or trying to imply he was responsible.

Just because he brought her home and put her to bed (which could mean many things, including and more likely that he took her home hoping she was going to have sex with him), doesn't mean that he was a gentleman either. Not to mention he flew there to be with her on the last flight - he had nowhere else to go. He can be a relatively decent dude who wasn't going to leave her drunk in the middle of the night, and still have been hoping to sleep with her.

The word, by the way, is "gentlemanly." But in light of how he acted, I'll agree with "gentleman - ish." I guess he was gentleman- ish. He could totally have raped her while she was passed out drunk and didn't! Wow! High Five, bro!

Forget this guy, he was just looking for hookups when he rolled through town. Be glad you woke up fully dressed.

If he isn't the first to describe violent aggressive or belligerent behavior when drinking, maybe it's time to look into going to AA meetings.

This guy hopefully served as a catalyst that you are putting yourself at extreme risk and was wake up call for you to get help. Does alcoholism/addiction run in your family?

The next morning I wake up in my bed fully clothed and turn over to ask him what happened. He tells me it was "really bad" and says "I'm going to go". I will admit, all of my boyfriends have told me they don’t like when I get to a “certain point” because I have a tendency to become a bit of a liability (as in sassy, vulgar, obnoxious etc)

Are you sure he didn't have sex with you while you were passed out? Because something makes me think he did take advantage, otherwise, if you had been that bad to the point where he was disgusted and angry with you, would he have really tried to hook up with you in the morning? Doesn't make sense. What does make sense is that you two had sex overnight, and when he wanted to do a repeat in the morning when you were sober, and you said no, he realized he ran the risk of being accused of rape and told you a story to make you believe that not only nothing sexual had happened, but also that your behavior was so bad he wanted nothing further to do with you. Hence the blocking etc

Instead of feeling as if you ruined things, you may be better off learning from this, and never, ever getting drunk with a man you meet online and know almost nothing about. An STD test may be in order too.

The next morning I wake up in my bed fully clothed

Are you sure he didn't have sex with you while you were passed out?

I truly don't understand any benefit to filling the OP's mind with having been date raped. There's a single, universal takeaway:

Alcohol inhibits memory. If you don't want to not remember things, whether it's a drunken, off-hand racist comment or having had sex, don't drink alcohol in excess (though one drink is all it takes to impact LTR processing). If you couldn't give two ****s about remembering what happens after the buzz, knock 'em back to your heart's content.

Unfortunately, you don't know and you can't know what happened that night. You know you probably shouldn't get sloshed on a second date if not for the sake impressions, then for your own safety. I wouldn't spend time dwelling on all the hypotheticals.

The whole situation sounds...off.

You barely know this guy. The first date he's staying the night and saying he wants to perhaps make it long-distance. That would send a couple warning bells chiming in my head.

The second date, he actually flies to you and stays the night again. You have no memory of what happened. He disappears.

I'm not saying it's impossible you went too far and did things to turn him off. It's plausible given how much alcohol was consumed. But there's something odd about this man too, in my opinion.

The OP is concerned about the 'violent behavior' this hookup guy described, not whether sex even took place. It's doubtful he would dress her up after sex, she would know if her clothes were in disarray.

Well, first of all that's not necessarily true that she would be in disarray. If she could sleep all the way through sex, she would also be able to sleep through him putting her clothes back on.

While it's true the OP isn't addressing his behavior because she's feeling so ashamed right now, it's important to make sure she's covering all bases. It IS a red flag that she can remember nothing and that what he described was something so out of character for her but he wouldn't give her any examples of how she acted this way. Not saying I think he raped her, but it's a completely legit question for people to be asking to OP's story and for her own safety worth making sure of.

So far, no one has condoned her drunkenness and irresponsibility here so posters being super touchy about those asking what HIS motives were - when there were some obviously weird sides of the story having to do with him - (in my opinion) is off-putting. No one is saying that's what happened. But asking questions of what happened is completely warranted.

The whole situation sounds...off.

 

You barely know this guy. The first date he's staying the night and saying he wants to perhaps make it long-distance. That would send a couple warning bells chiming in my head.

 

The second date, he actually flies to you and stays the night again. You have no memory of what happened. He disappears.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible you went too far and did things to turn him off. It's plausible given how much alcohol was consumed. But there's something odd about this man too, in my opinion.

This pretty much says it all IMO!

I feel really ashamed and embarrassed. I care a lot about my image and feel like this guy thinks I'm a total lunatic now. The people who know me know I'm very nice and normal Wish I could rewind time.

I'm honestly leaning more to #3 of the scenarios I gave, because how many times have you ever, EVER, known of someone getting drunk and crazy and only get a vague description? The guy couldn't give you specifics, when usually in those circumstances you get more details than you want to know. As in, "You were drunk and violent." "What did I do?" "Well, let's see, first you picked a fight with the bouncer, calling him a neanderthal. Then you tried to rip off one of his eyebrows to prove your point. After that you slapped me when I told you we should go. That's when the cop walked up and asked if there was a problem...wait, I'm not done, this was all just within the first 10 seconds...shall I go on?"

This is why I wonder if it was all that bad or just him being sour grapes over not getting laid. People are usually really specific about drunken brawling behaviors in public.

So while I'm not saying nothing happened, his response to it just seems odd, off even.

Also the thing about being roofied is again one doesn't always just get stumbly and passive then black out. I know that, because I had a friend who worked in an ER. Sometimes people have an opposite reaction and they get violent and agitated. But his lack of details seems weird, given how much people love to tell you every thing you did when drunk.

Regardless, lesson learned. If you didn't actually get into legal trouble of any sort then I wouldn't worry about it. You have one person who isn't even in your town who claims something you can't remember, and he can't actually appear to confirm it either. So I would think you should relax.

P.S. I don't think he had sex with you while you were passed out. Most wouldn't, because sex with a semi-inanimate object that can't respond back isn't something most people enjoy anyways. Thank heavens. I just think the guy was hoping he'd still get something out of the deal, otherwise he'd have gotten you home then run.

To the OP...

Don't beat yourself up about this any more. Many of us have had unfortunate experiences after having had too much to drink, especially on an empty stomach, and like many of the other posters on here - I'm sceptical about his assertions that you were violent and aggressive, too. The comment "I wish you luck figuring out your issues" is purely there to make you feel bad about yourself and actually suggests he's a bit of a jerk.

You don't know anything very much about this guy. He could be married, have other people on the go - you just don't know.

Put this all behind you - and just remember to have a sandwich before you go out to a bar next time!

(((HUGS)))

Do not feel ashamed and embarrassed (for long). I know it's hard to limit that, but grieve this for a short time and take it as a kind of 'blessing' in disguise. A lot of red flags popped up for me while reading your post, which I'm surprised others didn't mention.

 

1. Something about that first date bothered me - how he spent the night and how much drinking there was on a first date. When I was online dating, and looked back at all of my experiences from it, that was something that happened only with guys who really wanted to get sex from me, but were socially intelligent enough to know, from researching what women want out there and what we consider as red flags, that making a pass at sex with a girl on a first date can end the game. I get that in this case he was in from out of town, but something in there alerted me, fwiw.

 

2. The late night flight out for a second time seeing you was a mega red flag for me. Arriving at almost 11pm, then saying he wanted to 'get loose' and ordering a tequila shot and drinks instead of just taking you to dinner or something? I'm guessing if you guys hung out at your apt beforehand for awhile, you didn't even get to the bar until very very late at night, and exhaustion can magnify the effects of alcohol 10x. Again I don't think this was that innocent. He was expecting to have sex with you, second date, and I do not buy his words about wanting to start some long distance relationship with you. He's not some innocent bystander to how the night turned out - you're responsible for your actions, but his holier-than-thou crap the next day has more to do, in my opinion, with the lack of action he received than your 'issues.'

 

3. Your drinking a half bottle of wine without eating while getting ready. Girl, if he was that late, a sandwich or something was in order. I've definitely been there, so no judgment, but there is nothing more embarrassing (as you clearly know) than looking back on a date and realizing you got sloppy and it could've been avoided. I can barely handle tequila when it's paired with enchiladas and chips and salsa. No surprise at all that coupling that with a bottle of wine, empty stomach, and the super late hour would equal such a mess. Definitely take some time to get over the break up before going into too much more dating, because breakups take a huge toll on self esteem and can make the urge for social lubricant go through the roof.

 

4. I'm honestly wondering if he tried something sexually and you were 'aggressive' because you were fending him off. The second date is way way way wayy too soon to have someone you hardly know come and spend the night. If he was expecting sex (and I firmly believe he was) and you turned him down in any kind of negative, ego-blowing (to him) way, he was probably angry about it. Then the hookup didn't happen in the morning and he was outta there. Another sign, to me, that maybe he was turned off by your drunkenness but even more so he was probably annoyed he didn't get any and he doesn't see a point in taking things any further.

 

So look, it happened. It's not something for you to beat yourself up about. When I've been in your shoes in the past, drinking definitely brought out sides of me that surprised me in a bad way... and I hardly drink now (and haven't seen much need to in the past year or so as a result of those times). We aren't as in control as we feel like we are in those moments, and for your own safety it's probably best not to drink for awhile and figure out what's up.

leseine7,

Thanks for taking the time to write me! I didn't really like the late night arrival either... but because he had planned it that same day, I took it as he really wanted to see me you know? I thought about being aggressive fending him off as well... Who knows because I got no details. I will say this, he looks CREEPILY like this guy I dated a few years back (our break up really hurt me). I was analyzing the other day and thought, what if in my drunken mind I thought it was him and I was letting out all of the resentment I had? I'm glad you can sympathize with me in how alcohol brings out a bad side in you because I'm truly such a nice person...I wish he'd given me a chance. Specially since he said he could tell I was blacked out. As mentioned, i've been told by my exs before that when I reach a certain point of drunkness, its not pretty... so I guess this truly is a wake up call for me.

Yes it is. Agree don't beat yourself up over this or second guess anything. Check out AA or some support groups to get help and a handle on this. Forget this guy and be glad you were fully dressed when you woke up and alive to post here about all this. Good Luck to you..

i've been told by my exs before that when I reach a certain point of drunkness, its not pretty... so I guess this truly is a wake up call for me.