Resenting my mother?

Hi all,

A year ago, my parents moved 200 miles away from our home town. For six months, I travelled to see them and my mum said she missed me so much, asking me to come and live in the area. I missed her too, so when she offered to give me the deposit to buy a house, I was thrilled! The proviso to that was that I came to live up here. I thought about it for a few months and then accepted, because I'd been renting for 5 years and didn't want to rent anymore. So, I moved to a town about 10 miles from them (they're in the countryside).

I've been here 6 months and am desperately lonely. I've tried making friends in the local area, but it's not working very well (and it's quite a rough area, which I didn't know). There are fights outside my house most nights. To feel more secure and have a companion, I got a dog, who is lovely and the light of my life. But it doesn't quite replace human company.

To date, my mother hasn't visited me without my father. I have a great relationship with both, but she's never suggested a coffee on a Saturday or coming round for dinner. I visit them at least once a week. They encouraged me to get a dog for the company and promised that I could always leave it with them if I wanted to visit my friends down south. She's too young to be left alone for long periods of time, so I'm with her in the house day in, day out. I work from home as well, so haven't been able to meet new colleagues at work.

I've left the dog with my parents a few times but now my mum is making excuses not to take her and making me feel guilty for asking (about one day a month).

I'm beginning to resent my mum for what I feel is manipulating me up here only to never visit or make the effort (this is a historical problem - she never calls, visits or makes the effort but is wonderful when I go to her). I feel trapped and isolated and seriously considering moving back down south. We have an excellent relationship that I don't want to threaten in any way, but this building frustration with what feels like the "pointlessness" of me coming up here in order to be close to her is growing and growing.

Any thoughts? Am I being unfair to feel resentful, considering I was the one who made the decision to come up here, accept the money and get myself into this position? Any ideas on what I should do?

Thanks in advance.

Maynards

You have to do what you think is right and what will make you happy. Question is though if u had friends or were in a relationship would you be happier? If so you might want to concentrate on that.

Move. You hate it there. The monetary enticement they provided came with the catch of living near them.

I have a cousin who did almost exactly this. And she has fallen into a depression. I call her a lot trying to get her out and about. She feels incredible guilt about considering selling her house. Her parents live down the street, they gave her the deposit, they want her there.

You can't live your life for your parent. It's ok to want do what you need to do for you.

You are young - you should be where the action is, your friends, things to do!

Yes, it was your choice, but it's ok to change your mind. You aren't a bad person. And you can still have a relationship with your mom and dad - just a better one, because if you are miserable, that doesn't help anybody, right?!

The neighborhood you live in sounds really rough, wow! Maybe it's time to sell and move south? I think I would feel a little isolated in a situation like that, too. I'm sorry your mother doesn't initiate contact. That only makes things worse for you, I'm sure.

Your dog isn't her responsibility, not even once a month.

As for the rest, I'm really not seeing the big issue. Typically resentment like this unfolds when you've got deeper issues going on. As said, it sounds like you're just unhappy with where you live. I'd focus less on how you feel your mother is letting you down and more on what you can do to make your social situation better.

Scrape up the money to pay your parents back for what they loaned you to buy the house. Sell the house, move to where you will be happy. Of course mom and dad won't be pleased with you, but you need to explain you are not happy there without complaining how they dont come visit you. Dont make it personal. You cannot and must not live your life to please your parents.