Moving to Healing...Day 9 NC...when did you feel ready

Moving over to the Healing after breakup, today is Day 9. I have had a lot of ups and downs...many many of them. I have questioned so many things, mostly blaming myself but I know it wasn't my fault. Is that part of a breakup? Blaming yourself? What you could have done differently? Do men do this or mostly just women?

Also for the women out there, how long did it take you to move on to another guy? When did you feel you were ready to date again? For me right now, the thought of another man makes me sad and I feel very angry inside. I can't even think of another guy right now, makes me sick....so how long will this feeling last?

Good grief. Why don't you process the demise of your relationship, and understand what didn't work. Don't be one of those people that jumps from partner-to-partner, as they are terrified of being alone. You were together for two years, why don't you focus on being single for six months, so that you can get to a healthy place.

The move on time is individual. Just get yourself to a good place.

I think it's completely normal to question yourself and actions. I'm sure during the breakup they might have even told you its was your fault. 9 days isn't that long everyone's different. Just make sure you are ready to really meet somone and give them a chance for the right reasons before you date.

Good grief. Why don't you process the demise of your relationship, and understand what didn't work. Don't be one of those people that jumps from partner-to-partner, as they are terrified of being alone. You were together for two years, why don't you focus on being single for six months, so that you can get to a healthy place.

 

The move on time is individual. Just get yourself to a good place.

Oh man I so agree with this, especially bolded.

I made that mistake when I ended my LTR last December. I met a man in February (works in my building), and got involved before I fully processed the emotions stemming from my breakup.

Total disaster!!

So I ended that RL, and it was 'then' I started to process my feelings for my ex. Went through all the stages in all their glory, it wasn't pretty, but it was necessary!!

Don't block the emotions or bury them... it only leads to problems later.

Feel the pain, cry, get angry, do and feel whatever you need to process. Once those negative feelings are processed, they are ready to be released.... for good!

Now, eight months later, I can say with 100% honesty and certainty that I am OVER my ex. And I was madly in love with the guy too... for six years!

Best of luck OP as you move forward!

Absolutely it's normal to do a mental postmortem on failed relationships and all the shoulda woulda coulda and what ifs that go with it. It's just part of the healing and coming to terms process.

Eventually your mind will rest because it has processed all this and come to grips with and adjusted to the changes.

I have questioned so many things, mostly blaming myself but I know it wasn't my fault. Is that part of a breakup? Blaming yourself? What you could have done differently?

to each their own. why dont you just live life, why do you have force yourself to seek out another guy? if it happens, it happens. if it doesnt, then it doesnt. just enjoy the things that you do and see whats in store.

Well I am living my life now, I feel a bit better and can actually get out of bed now. But my issue is I am 40 and want to have children, so I feel I shouldn't be mourning this man for too long because i do want to have children. And the other thing is, why should I waste anymore of my precious time on this loser. Yes I am still hurt, no i'm not ready to move on but shouldn't I be making a very serious effort in moving on and finding someone else? I'm not saying right now, it's too early. But I do need to move on, it's clear he won't be coming back...

It's absolutely normal to blame yourself and wonder what would have been if you had done things differently. Men and women both feel this way.

As for moving on, It depends person to person. Part of the healing process (which is generally longer the longer you were in a relationship) is learning to be happy and comfortable by yourself. You're so used to being in a relationship that change is scary and you're worried about when the next one could potentially happen. That's common.

For me personally, I've been single for a little over a year out from a 5+ year relationship and I really felt comfortable starting to date a couple months ago.

7 weeks and counting and the thought of dating is not even remotely on my radar.

If I date. . Big if - it will only be after which time I feel totally balanced and I no longer feel the void.

I won't date otherwise. Too afraid I'd make a bad choice if it doesn't come from a good place and time.

I'm certainly not saying i'm ready, i'm actually very angry right now at him. I'm angry that I wasted my precious time on him, i'm angry he was fooling me into thinking he wanted to marry me but had no intention. Maybe i'm fooling myself, I am very hurt and angry inside. I feel like i'm on a roller coaster, i have good days and then very bad days. I cry all the time, but I know i cannot live my life being sad and thinking of the memories and the my times with him. I know I need to make new memories. The part about learning to live life without him is the hardest part and learning to be single is very hard. We were together for 2 years..

why should I waste anymore of my precious time on this loser ...

I agree completely. But time spent on your own, healing, is NOT wasted time. In fact it's essential time and you owe it to yourself. You also owe it to any future men you may date. Dating is not just about you. If you get into another relationship too soon, before you are ready, you run an excellent risk of hurting the other person, and frankly, wasting *their* time. And that is not fair to them, or to you. You need to be able to give a new man in your life a heart that is whole, not just pieced back together and waiting for the glue to dry.

I understand what you are saying about the biological clock. But really, will a few months time away from dating really make that much difference?

9 days is still very early. Mine got worse before it got better so be prepared.

It truly is like detoxing from a drug addiction.

Just be kind to yourself and find some comfort in knowing that everything you are going through it pretty typical.

I'm certainly not saying i'm ready, i'm actually very angry right now at him. I'm angry that I wasted my precious time on him, i'm angry he was fooling me into thinking he wanted to marry me but had no intention. Maybe i'm fooling myself, I am very hurt and angry inside. I feel like i'm on a roller coaster, i have good days and then very bad days. I cry all the time, but I know i cannot live my life being sad and thinking of the memories and the my times with him. I know I need to make new memories. The part about learning to live life without him is the hardest part and learning to be single is very hard. We were together for 2 years..

This is normal, especially for 9 days. It feels like it lasts forever, but it does get better!! The struggle is real with the roller coaster emotions! For me it wasn't even day to day, sometimes it was moment to moment. Hang in there

Yes it is moment to moment, I was starting to question myself like why do i hate him at one minute and still love him next minute. I find myself thinking when i'm driving, showering, working, everything.....the only time I don't think about him is when I sleep. I want to start working out to release that energy..but haven't felt up to it yet. We have a lot of mutual friends and i was talking to them and they kept bringing him up and telling me he said i ruined him and that he was broken and that he'll never consider marriage again etc etc. Well he wasn't the only one hurt in all this. My friend asked me if i wanted to talk tonight and I said no, i am tired of talking about him, i no longer want to talk about him or hear his name. That sets me back, i need to focus on healing. It really is detoxing from a drug....BUT i am very proud of myself. I went 9 days last time and broke NC, but today I have no desire to talk to him.. Every day that goes by that I don't contact him feels like a huge accomplishment to me right now..

Excellent. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. And you are doing well putting one foot in front of the other.

I went 9 days last time and broke NC, but today I have no desire to talk to him.. Every day that goes by that I don't contact him feels like a huge accomplishment to me right now..

Thank you Wiseman2, you have actually been very supportive of me through this whole thing. Everyone has, thank you to everyone.