Any advice for a lonely shy guy?

I'm afraid this is going to be quite a tirade.

In summary I'm a 27 year old man, who just can't seem to get into any relationship (still hoping for a first kiss...) . I've had quite a few depressions due to that and I have been visiting a psychologist for a year now. As of right now, I am holding up fairly well (mostly because I got accepted for a phD. program I always wanted) and I would like to try another shot at dating, because I just don't want to feel lonely my whole life. So I am looking for advice I can find hoping I will fare better this time.

Here's my story in more details.

I've always been very shy around girls. Until 19 I was not even really able to talk to any girl I was attracted to without shaking like a leaf. I am also quite introverted, but I do have enough friends to be happy (they happen to be almost all male though). I also started dating rather late, because I was extremely busy with studies. In high school I wanted to get into some elite university and once I got there, for the first two years dating was completely out of question, so with all that my very first date happened to be when I was 23.

Due to me being shy and never really knowing many women, I more or less had to turn to dating sites: which in a way suits me, because first I am a bit more confident behind a screen and I can get more comfortable with the person before asking her out. I also find that approach more honest, because we both know we are looking for a partner.

I went on a few dates like that, but unfortunately I always got rejected after my first date. It always more or less followed the same pattern: I asked a girl out, I was extremely happy when she said yes, I prepared myself, we went to a park, to movies, to a cafe or other public place like that, then I get rejected. At best, I'm just told right away, at worst I just get completely ignored until I simply give up trying to text her, which is fairly quickly because I don't want to harass anyone.

Since it became a pattern and I also had some work related problems, I started having depressions and ever since then I visit a psychologist once in while.

I know for sure I am not very comfortable with the idea of flirting: unfortunately it feels very unnatural to me(especially on a first date), so we usually just have a conversation (If there is something I love to do it's talking). I am pretty sure I smile quite a lot, because knowing that I have a chance with a girl I like makes me very happy and that's about it.

I have now moved from Europe to Canada for phD. studies for at least four years, which means in some sense I get a fresh start, so if you have any suggestions on what should I do, they are welcome.

See if there are any clubs or any activities you can get involved in within your area. I think thats the best start, even volunteering. You can just get your foot in the door interacting with other women, and you don't necessarily have to go in looking for a relationship just begin communication with other people. It will bring you around people and give you a sense of purpose since your doing a service.

Hi Fisyr,

I'm 26 and in a similar boat. Although I have been in relationships in the past, the older I get the more difficult it gets to date. I'm sorry to hear you haven't even had a proper first kiss yet, that must really be tough. I am in a very similar predicament to you. I spent many of my earlier years building a career, going to schooling (which I'm still doing). Like you, I've never get put in many situations/places to meet and talk to women either.

Like you, I've also done the online dating game and have had exactly the same similar experiences. If it's no an empty inbox everyday, you go on dates with girls that end up never contacting you back after the first date. It really sucks and I agree, it's also depressing. My first advice to you; avoid the online dating. I know, it feels like the right choice to go that route because you have no other means of meeting women. But I can almost guarantee you, it's a colossal waste of time. The problem is the men vastly outnumber the women. And most women I've come to find (not all of them), but many of them our age are very shallow/narrow-minded with dating. If you're not rich, an inch to short for their liking, or have some kind of physical thing they don't like about you whatsoever, they have an entire smorgasbord of men to pick from on dating sites. Women overlook good men so often it's ridiculous, and it's always because of something extremely stupid.

I agree with medschoolthug, maybe try to start doing some clubs/activities. Although I haven't been successful on that front, I wouldn't NOT recommend it. I went far outside of my comfort zone and joined a sports league last year to maybe find a nice girl that way. There were plenty of single and cute women, but it was also a sports league. Most of them went there to play volleyball and leave. I joined a team but I got stuck with a bunch of old religious people. -_- BUT... it was a positive experience in some ways because it made me realize that, not just with women, but people in general I was very not-talkative and anti-social. Although I've had a serious girlfriend and things in the past, I am not good at talking to strangers, which is not a good attribute to have when you want to find a woman, and it sounds like you may be in the same shoes!

I would recommend hobbies/activities. Try anything you are remotely interested in. Go on that website meetup.com. Go to as many social gatherings as possible if you ever get invited to anything, even picnics/parties/birthdays even if you don't like the person or people there you never know who else might show up. Don't focus on just finding a girlfriend, but making friends/associates as well. The older I get, I am getting more and more convinced that, the best way to find someone is to have connections. My last serious girlfriend was my best friends sister. Past relationships I've had were just from people I knew or met somehow indirectly. I think only one time I found someone completely out of the wild (or they found me).

I think you are most likely to get dates making friends with people and knowing people who can introduce you to someone somehow. I even made a good friend from these very forums. Unfortunately we live 5,000 miles apart, but if I were close to this person, she is constantly finding single/compatible girls for me. It only takes one person to set you up.

Try to make female friend(s)... girls go to girly things. Aerobics classes, yoga, places where it might be weird for you to go, but they go there and meet and make friends with possible other single women. A girl that is just your friend may find you people as well. Not all women out there have to be dating material but they can be a great asset. Make friends, don't be afraid to tell people "I'm single and looking". They may know someone or help you. I think this is my new strategy, anyway. I would recommend it. Friends and people you know grow to like you and trust you, and can take the difficult/awkwardness out of meeting someone in the wild, and I think may introduce you to more quality people.

Thank you both for your answers.

While I am definitely considering going to quite a few clubs (right now for instance I have some interest in martial arts and board games), I'm kind of skeptical of being able to find any girlfriend that way. I don't know if i'll be able to force myself into going to "girly" places, but who knows if I ever grew interest in any of these I might join. It'd be just too unnatural for me and boring to force myself going somewhere just to get to have more female friends.

In many ways I guess I'm screwed, because as I said I'm introverted, so going to social meetings gets tiring quite quickly: I definitely prefer to be surrounded by one or two good friends.

I will do my best to implement these ideas, but it definitely won't be easy for me, because unfortunately building a "network" of friends is extremely contrary to my personality and so hard to work on.

It's a crazy world: I'm definitely well educated, not that bad looking, I speak several languages, I do have quite a lot of interests (I admit though typically male and nerdy ones) and yet I just can't get into a relationship, because lacking a few key personality traits.

What I would just like to point out: I won't give up on online dating, because even if I only get stuck up getting just one date it's still vital for my morale. The reason is because from time to time I'm able to find a girl who gets at least somewhat interested in me and that makes me feel less unwanted and lonely. I feel like the happiest person on the planet whenever I get a chance to ask a girl out. If I didn't get these chances I would have definitely been even more depressed than I came to be last year.

Also I would like to point out that I've had a rather good shot with the first girl I've met on dating site. She had quite a lot of amazing traits I am definitely looking for in women and she was definitely interested in me as well. The only thing that made things bad is that she did not put any photograph and unfortunately: she was rather ugly. I tried to make it work, because I still found her amazing, but she guessed it pretty quickly that I wasn't physically attracted to her. With that being said: little experiences like that are quite important in my life, so while I will try to look elsewhere as well I don't consider dating sites a complete waste of time.

With all that being said thank you for your input and I will try to follow your advice.

It has been two years since I made this thread, I thought I might try give in some updates here. Before even getting into any club activities I actually had to deal with quite a bad social anxiety. Thanks to help of my therapist I at least managed to get that burden out of the way. I got to a few clubs and met my fair share of interesting people, but still not much luck with ladies. One of my problem is that I tend to be pretty oblivious as to how even the process of seduction works. Didn't deal with all that as a teen and now that I'm almost 30 I get to be pretty awkward and confused about these things.I for the most part stay away from physical contact, because honestly I have no idea when it is appropriate or not and just go with the most blend compliments. Sorry if I am a bit vague here, but I guess I'm trying to say I'd appreciate any advice on how I could make my behavior more attractive.

Advice? Get use to it, there are far worse things than being single. The odds are already stacked against you. Sometimes relationships just aren't worth it.

Thanks for your input, however stubborn as I am, I won't follow your advice. First of all: giving up is not an option for me. While there are definitely worse things than being single, it's already really bad by my standards. Second it would not be a first time I'd have to deal with odds stacked against me and most likely not the last. Also it's not as if I was trying to win a lottery here. The odds can be changed by my actions and my choices, so it's just a question of learning.

To me it sounds as if you are attractive already.

There are lots of little ways you can begin to create familiarity in a physical sense. Break the touch barrier with little touches that are not sexual and that are incidental. An arm, a shoulder. Also, holding eye contact - not too long so its creepy and invasive, but long enough that your eyes connect for a moment. Also, if you are with someone who is right for you, just give it time.

Umm. My advice wasn't to give up, it was to get use to it.

I think there is some information missing here.

- Do you dress well?

- You seem to not appear confident

- Are you boring when you talk? Girls like guys who make them laugh

My recommendation is to get off online dating. Most people on there have issues and aren't relationship material. Also if you want change in your life you have to do things you are uncomfortable with. Go to a bar, sport, some kind of class. Make more friends and meet their friends.

Relationships tend to crop up when you aren't actively searching for it. All my relationships always happened completely unexpectedly.

Well I finally made it. Been dating a very sweet girl for about a month now. I knew of her for quite a while, but kind of was out of my radar: till I learned we take the same bus home, so I took the opportunity to go for a coffee and a friendly chat. I'm a type of a guy who once starts talking, can never be stopped so we ended up spending 5 hours together. Few days after, she started showing affection towards me which I reciprocated and now we're dating. So far we seem to have very compatible personalities: we're both rather shy, but very affectionate people and enjoy simple romantic gestures. I really hope this will become something long term, but even if it doesn't I at least had my first kiss with her.

Anyway, I wanted to thank people giving me advice here. Took me almost 3 years since I posted here, but I finally made it.

Shyness is the worst thing you have to deal with in your life and to overcome this problem first of all I would like to advice “Don’t give a damn interest of what other's think about you” this is what you have to keep in mind all the time.