My boyfriend doesn't call me everyday.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months. I'm 23, he's 35 (eek I know). We get a long great and I've never felt more deeply for another man. He gets along with my family, I get along great with his friends, we host parties together, he just took me away for my birthday. Things are going good.

 

He works in a very demanding job 6 months out of the year, of which will soon be coming to an end. On top of all his normal work responsibilities he has had to deal with a very difficult coworker situation which has led to him having to take on additional tasks, and is also working at home 2-3 nights a week to complete something for a yearly bonus. He's a busy guy, I get it and I've been very patient since he's had to take on all this extra work the past month and I can't see him as much during the week though we spend every weekend together.

 

The thing that's bothering me is his communication style. He's a quiet guy, and very independent. We've had conversations before about girls that needed him to constantly check in, how he didn't like that, and how ridiculous constant communication is. I'm much younger than him and this is something I'm not accustomed to. He doesn't call me every day lately. About two months into dating he dealt with a time at work where he was just as busy as he is now (12+ hour work days) and I noticed he acted similar- as in I wouldn't hear from him every day. Things slowed down and they went back to normal, but I expressed how much I didn't like not hearing from him, and here we are back in the same situation.

 

I don't need all day texting, I just want a call on the way home. He doesn't seem to get this. When were together everything is fine and dandy and he doesn't even grasp why I get upset. I love him and I don't want to end our relationship on something like this when we get along so well. I guess what I'm mostly looking for is whether or not this behavior is more common in men his age, or men in general. If it's something I should be seriously worried about. I'm not used to it, but then again I've only dated men my age that didn't deal with full time jobs like him. Some guidance and insight would be greatly appreciated.

You need to be able to soothe and entertain yourself . It is not something to be worried about. He told you he hated clingyness I would heed that warning. Get friends, go out, see movies. Have a life .

Yeah, I definitely live my own life and find myself pretty independent as well. I guess I am just not used to it and am letting comments from friends get to me!

I don't even call my girlfriend every day when I'm away and we've been together close to three years. As you get less insecure, you stop focusing on the quantity and more on the quality. I hate the idea of a daily quota. And especially given that he's expressed how much he's not a fan of the whole emphasis on frequency, you've gotta take it or leave it. No more arguing.

Yeah, I definitely live my own life and find myself pretty independent as well. I guess I am just not used to it and am letting comments from friends get to me!

 

Your friends are not in your relationship. You are . Don't let them give you their issues.

We've had conversations before about girls that needed him to constantly check in, how he didn't like that, and how ridiculous constant communication is..

He's been upfront about this "need for communication" and his dislike of it, so you already know where you stand on that issue. This is who he is. This is part of his make-up and I highly doubt he'll ever change. YOU need to learn to accept that this is how it's going to be. Either that, or you start nagging him which in turn will backfire on you and you lose him. Add to that, he really IS an extremely busy man and I can see why his focus is more on his job right now.

 

This is a case of learning to accept him for who he is. Pushing for more text messages/calls etc is not what this guy wants.

Ever since I was in my mid 20's onward, I've never had a relationship where we called each other everyday. Again, it's fine with me because I like my space and makes me miss my bf more. Your bf already warned you, you accepted at first. Why the sudden change?

Ever since I was in my mid 20's onward, I've never had a relationship where we called each other everyday. Again, it's fine with me because I like my space and makes me miss my bf more. Your bf already warned you, you accepted at first. Why the sudden change?

 

I think it's just because we had several months of good communication and all of a sudden it started again and it's kinda freaking me out. It's not like this is completely new behavior, so I suppose I just have to get reaclimated with it.

He doesn't need to call you everyday... If he's busy and has a demanding job - it will do his head in.

 

Some people need their alone time - especially independent types, I talk to mine every 2-3 nights, and we txt a couple of times in between, some days we txt a lot, some days we don't.

 

He is with you, you socialise together and he takes you places. He's told you that he's not into constant communication and he was honest from the start.

 

The less you call the more quality things you will have to talk about the next time. A lot of quiet men don't like constant chatter about needless things (not saying you do this) but it is a point.

 

I always joke to my bf that us women need to get our 50,000 words out a day... men only need about 5,000.

I think the age difference has a lot to do with this. He's had a lot more life experience than you and he is busy with his work and your whining and clinginess will ultimately be a big turnoff. It's got a lot to do with maturity levels and comfort within one's own skin. You need to lighten up or you will chase him away. Find things to do with your friends and back off.

I am used to sometimes with little to no contact because I married a military man.

I think the age difference has a lot to do with this. He's had a lot more life experience than you and he is busy with his work and your whining and clinginess will ultimately be a big turnoff. It's got a lot to do with maturity levels and comfort within one's own skin. You need to lighten up or you will chase him away. Find things to do with your friends and back off.

 

I don't whine and cling to him, I've mentioned this once or twice in the 9 months we've been dating. I give him plenty of space. I do agree that our age difference does add to this though.

He doesn't need to call you everyday... If he's busy and has a demanding job - it will do his head in.

 

Some people need their alone time - especially independent types, I talk to mine every 2-3 nights, and we txt a couple of times in between, some days we txt a lot, some days we don't.

 

He is with you, you socialise together and he takes you places. He's told you that he's not into constant communication and he was honest from the start.

 

The less you call the more quality things you will have to talk about the next time. A lot of quiet men don't like constant chatter about needless things (not saying you do this) but it is a point.

 

I always joke to my bf that us women need to get our 50,000 words out a day... men only need about 5,000.

 

This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. It's nice to know that other couples don't talk everyday. I think due to my age this is more uncommon in my demo, so it's definitely reassuring to hear on here.

I think the age difference has a lot to do with this. He's had a lot more life experience than you and he is busy with his work and your whining and clinginess will ultimately be a big turnoff.

 

Totally agree that the age gap seems to underscore a maturity/experience/stage of life difference.

I sure hope your young friends aren't telling you "if he LOVED you, he'd call you EVERY DAY!!!"

 

Because if they are...don't listen. Maybe your friends have boyfriends who don't have full time jobs, or any job at all. But yours does, which means he has other things to do than have his phone glued to his ear or his hand.

I always joke to my bf that us women need to get our 50,000 words out a day... men only need about 5,000.

 

It's actually to do with attention.

 

It's been proven that female babies get three times more attention than male babies do.

 

Then we go through a nursery system run by women, that puts girl's needs as paramount.

 

Then we go through a school system that sees boys get slightly more attention in general (negative though), yet once more the system is catered to feminine needs (good attention).

 

Yes, this makes for an easier life for females, but it also makes them require attention.

 

I can honestly go all week without hearing from a girlfriend, and be fine with knowing that I'll see her at an arranged time. I find giving attention very draining. I imagine her boyfriend feels the same way.

It's actually to do with attention.

 

It's been proven that female babies get three times more attention than male babies do.

 

Then we go through a nursery system run by women, that puts girl's needs as paramount.

 

Then we go through a school system that sees boys get slightly more attention in general (negative though), yet once more the system is catered to feminine needs (good attention).

 

Yes, this makes for an easier life for females, but it also makes them require attention.

 

I can honestly go all week without hearing from a girlfriend, and be fine with knowing that I'll see her at an arranged time. I find giving attention very draining. I imagine her boyfriend feels the same way.

 

I've read this is the reason too... spot on.

I've got a different opinion here.

 

I think it's more to do with your personality. Just as some people have a higher need for cognition, there are some people who have a higher need for contact.

 

For example, I'm more than happy to spend all my time with someone I like as well as doing my own thing within their company. My parents work together so they effectively spend all their time together too. This doesn't work for everyone though. My aunt said to my mother, how can you stand being together for so long? Likewise, my ex girlfriend could go up to a 4-7 days without contacting me if I didn't initiate things.

 

The end point is, everyone has there own levels of needs here, there isn't any right or wrong. Don't think of it as them loving you less, but do see it as a potential compatibility issue if it bothers you enough.

It's actually to do with attention.

 

It's been proven that female babies get three times more attention than male babies do.

 

Then we go through a nursery system run by women, that puts girl's needs as paramount.

 

Then we go through a school system that sees boys get slightly more attention in general (negative though), yet once more the system is catered to feminine needs (good attention).

 

Yes, this makes for an easier life for females, but it also makes them require attention.

 

I can honestly go all week without hearing from a girlfriend, and be fine with knowing that I'll see her at an arranged time. I find giving attention very draining. I imagine her boyfriend feels the same way.

 

I disagree with respect to the suggestion that wanting daily contact is gender specific.

 

In my case, I love attention, but I can't stand being taken care of when it feels like I am being pander ed to. Just give me a good night text or phone call. Or not. I dated for a year a man who called me one time in between weekly dates, or maybe, texted only once.

 

What matters to me is that I understand my man enough to know how to feel intimately aware of him.

 

http://Www.myersbriggs.Com helps with understanding how we are. Might be useful, OP.

Interesting that you bring up MBTI since I was effectively thinking of socionics and instinctual stackings whilst writing my post.

Interesting that you bring up MBTI since I was effectively thinking of socionics and instinctual stackings whilst writing my post.

 

Is it Popeye the sailor who I yam what I yam?

I disagree with respect to the suggestion that wanting daily contact is gender specific.

 

In my case, I love attention, but I can't stand being taken care of when it feels like I am being pander ed to. Just give me a good night text or phone call. Or not. I dated for a year a man who called me one time in between weekly dates, or maybe, texted only once.

 

What matters to me is that I understand my man enough to know how to feel intimately aware of him.

 

http://Www.myersbriggs.Com helps with understanding how we are. Might be useful, OP.

I actually think he's by an large correct. While I don't think it's biological, it's certainly not incidental that if you were to scroll down your facebook feed, 4 out of every 5 selfies would be posted by women (maybe not your feed in particular, but generally speaking) or that I can count on one hand how many men I've seen post "she doesn't call / text me enough" threads on these forums.

 

To clarify, I don't think it's a biological thing and I consider it sexist, and in a way that has and continues to harm women as it very easily spills into other facets of life. But there definitely is a way we've been raising girls into women that by and large (or at least more so than men) causes them to be excessively dependent on outside forces for affirmation.

 

Now reading your posts, I wouldn't guess you'd be such a woman, and whether that's your upbringing or just how it is, I couldn't guess. I don't mean to imply that emotionally independent women are some elusive tribe among the sex.

So that is your honest answer from him. He feels what he does in person and in general is more important. Some people feel smothered by being tethered to texting and he is one of them.

 

He has what's called a Secure Attachment Style. And from your description you have an Anxious Attachment Style. Secure people don't need/want tethering, they know who they are, how they feel and how their relationships are going without chronic reassurances. Anxious attachment people fret about the relationship status, whether they are loved,etc.

 

Since he has spelled this out it is not a reflection of any relationship change or weakening. If you want text him once a day to say i love you, good night.

He's a quiet guy, and very independent. We've had conversations before about girls that needed him to constantly check in, how he didn't like that, and how ridiculous constant communication is.

So that is your honest answer from him. He feels what he does in person and in general is more important. Some people feel smothered by being tethered to texting and he is one of them.

 

He has what's called a Secure Attachment Style. And from your description you have an Anxious Attachment Style. Secure people don't need/want tethering, they know who they are, how they feel and how their relationships are going without chronic reassurances. Anxious attachment people fret about the relationship status, whether they are loved,etc.

 

Since he has spelled this out it is not a reflection of any relationship change or weakening. If you want text him once a day to say i love you, good night.

 

 

^^ Haha I was just writing down a longer "Lisii" version of this ... goes to show how different we all are when it comes to verbal communication ...

 

Again, with this thread it is obvious (due to the bf's own admission that he is happy with less communication) the op was advised of this from the beginning. Confused has come on ENA asking for advice as she is a little "insecure" about the lack of communication. This could possibly be her type of personality or fed from her friend's well meaning input... none the less - atm she is craving a deeper connection with her bf... - the connection she has with him when he wasn't snowed under at work.

 

Confused, I am no expert but I think if you start getting into personality types and whether or not you are to clingy or whatever you are going to become overwhelmed.

 

If you love your bf and you know this is only temporary (due to where he is at), and you are happy the other 6 months of the year, well then hang in there, keep busy - ring someone else at the end of the day, but if you are feeling insecure and need him to lift you and stroke your fears which may turn to anxiety, you may need to think of another option to suit you.

I don't whine and cling to him, I've mentioned this once or twice in the 9 months we've been dating. I give him plenty of space. I do agree that our age difference does add to this though.

 

I have a question for the OP, why don't YOU just call or text him? I mean if it bothers you that he doesn't call, why not call him? I don't mean bombard him with texts and phone calls, but call or text him like you want him to do it to you? You can't control what he does, you could only control yourself.