Career conflict - am I being selfish?

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We broke up a couple of years ago for 3 months and during this time I realised how much I loved him and only wanted him. The feeling was mutual, we slowly got back together and our relationship has been better for it.

We were long distance for two years then I took the plunge and moved to be with him. He lives in a big city, a 7 hour drive away from our home town. He needs to be there for work - he works in a very demanding, unpredictable, creative industry. I knew it would be hard to move to a place where I had noone but him but I figured it would be worth it. I have lived with him for a year and in terms of our relationship and compatibility - everything is great. We love each other deeply and love being together.

Now, he has been offered 2 months work in Italy. Initially he told me if I didn't want him to take it he wouldn't. I ignored it for a couple weeks then he turned around and said he needed to take it now if he didn't want to mess things up with his contacts (in his industry, contacts are important). I am very upset about this for a number of reasons which i shall list below:

• Italy is my favourite place in the whole world and I always wanted us to go (he has never been before). The thought of him going there for work and not for me is infuriating.
  
• I feel like I have made so many sacrifices for him and I wonder what he has done for me. He never has never said no to a job for the sake of me (to be fair i haven't asked him to until now), he's worked away before (only for a couple of weeks though), he doesn't even make any nice gestures or anything.
  
• I feel like he takes me for granted and just expects me to deal with a lot of stuff that i shouldn't need to be dealing with.
  
• He would be leaving me for 2 MONTHS, not just a few weeks. During the winter, when my family and friends are miles away and I have noone. I feel like so long alone will seriously affect my well being.
  
• 
  

So now i'm starting to wonder - is this worth it? I love him, I want to be with him for the rest of my life and I have never met anyone during our relationship or when we were split that made me even slightly question this. However, this is MY life. I'm living somewhere I don't even like, with no friends or family (well i have work friends, but I also work in a high pressure job which doesn't allow for much socialisation). We can't plan holidays together because he needs to be available all the time in case work pops up. As he gets bigger in the industry working away for months will become a regular occurrence. I'm starting to think maybe I should leave and although I doubt very very much i'd find someone like him, I could settle for a more comfortable life with someone else. When we broke up it was devastating. But i also don't think i could deal with him being in this line of work forever. He is slightly considering a career change because he also wants an easier life - but i doubt he would as he has come so far in the industry he is in, which is a great achievement.

So what i'm asking is....should I give up? or am I being selfish and should i focus on changing my mindset? Is this a grass is greener situation? I just don't want to do something i'll end up deeply regretting.

Thank you

If you think you can spend the rest of you life with him, I do not see how him being away for a mere 2 months warrants you to reevaluate your whole relationship. It is a unique opportunity for him to go to Italy and grow his career. I think you should focus on making friends and making your whole living situation more enjoyable.

Edit- you seem to have other issues going on, such as him taking you for granted and your expectations going forward. i would not sweep that under a rug. Please have a sit down with him to express your needs and ensure you are on the same page.

Incompatibility is just that. It only becomes selfishness when you start holding it against your partner.

I contract with academic institutions, so work gets sparse if non-existent over summers. It doesn't always work out, but every summer I look for contracts to help train personnel abroad. Most the time I've gone to Mexico, but I've contracted in Australia as well. These are anywhere from 2 - 4 months at a time. My girlfriend knows this and had the choice to take it or leave it. She's chosen to accept it. I didn't put a gun to her head. To be honest, I wouldn't even entertain an argument over whether or not I can or should go. In the future if a big shared responsibility like kids come along, it'll obviously be a different story.

Your boyfriend likewise didn't put a gun to your head when you moved in with him. If he needed you living with him where he is now, you needed to ask yourself "is this worth it for me?" If it wasn't, then you shouldn't have. If you need someone who will be more flexible with personal travel and potentially moving elsewhere, then this guy isn't your guy and it looks like hasn't been your guy for awhile.

So, again, there's nothing wrong with what you expect from a partner, but I don't think you've got a leg to stand on when it comes to this relationship. You've gotta take this guy for who he is and his line of work for what it is.

Unfortunately all your sacrifices and over investments were voluntary. It's odd that you would relocate at your own expense to a place you don't even like after being together for seven years with no commitment. It does sounds like he knows he can go anywhere/do anything and you will follow along.

Why can't you join him in Italy at some point for vacation? Maybe it's time to examine why you over sacrifice and over-invest with no commitment.

Italy is my favourite place in the whole world and I always wanted us to go

I feel like I have made so many sacrifices for him

I feel like he takes me for granted and just expects me to deal with a lot of stuff

I'm living somewhere I don't even like, with no friends or family

Being apart for so long can be very hard on a relationship. Sometimes at least one of the partners can fall out of love. This is why a lot of single people have the traveling salesman type jobs. So it can be dangerous to a relationship.

However, you guys were broken up for 3 months and survived that, so obviously you can handle it.

If you think you can spend the rest of you life with him, I do not see how him being away for a mere 2 months warrants you to reevaluate your whole relationship. It is a unique opportunity for him to go to Italy and grow his career. I think you should focus on making friends and making your whole living situation more enjoyable.

 

Edit- you seem to have other issues going on, such as him taking you for granted and your expectations going forward. i would not sweep that under a rug. Please have a sit down with him to express your needs and ensure you are on the same page.

It is just I feel like i've sacrificed so much for him and I wonder what he's done for me. I'm also in a successful and demanding career - although it is much more stable, permanent, fixed hours and with paid holidays. I could easily work in amazing places all over the world but I don't (I couldn't just work for a few months it would need to be at least a year contract). I'm 24 and with my line of work it's difficult to make friends to socialise with outwith work. Lots of my colleagues have families etc. If we lived in our hometown I would be fine with him going as I'd have plenty of friends and family to keep me busy- I'm slightly considering suggesting I move home, although that would definitely stop our relationship from progressing.

Maybe you are right though - I should suck it up and be happy for him to have that opportunity. That approach is just not coming naturally to me sadly!

He would be leaving me for 2 MONTHS, not just a few weeks.

i hope you know that 2 months is just 8 weeks right? 8 weeks is not a lot longer than a few weeks in the grand scheme of things.

or am I being selfish and should i focus on changing my mindset?

Well, dont take it negatively, but yes you are over-thinking. Sacrifices are nt bad and they will help you be a stronger couple. and you never know, what will come out of this career opportunity....

so just let it go and embrace this change.

Unfortunately all your sacrifices and over investments were voluntary. It's odd that you would relocate at your own expense to a place you don't even like after being together for seven years with no commitment. It does sounds like he knows he can go anywhere/do anything and you will follow along.

 

Why can't you join him in Italy at some point for vacation? Maybe it's time to examine why you over sacrifice and over-invest with no commitment.

They were voluntary and I have no right to hold that against him - you're correct. I wouldn't say 7 years of no commitment - we lived together for the first 4 years of our relationship whilst studying, then our careers took off and we had to be long distance for 2 years then we decided I had to move to be with him as I can work anywhere and he needs to stay where he is.

I could join him for a week, yea. I definitely need to address with him why i'm the one sacrificing things all the time though!

My wife has always wanted to travel to Europe. A few years ago my work sent me there and she was so jealous. I wish I could have brought her with me, but finances would now allow it. To me it felt awful because I felt I had to choose between furthering my career and keeping my wife happy. I ended up going, but it really put a lot of stress on our relationship. I wish she could have been more understanding of the pressures I was under, and I wish she hadn't taken it so personally.

You seem to have made a lot of willing sacrifices for this relationship. Sacrifices can be wonderful and good, unless there is an unspoken price tag attached, like you feel that he "owes it to you" to not go to Italy because you've made sacrifices for him. But there was never such an agreement. Being alone for 2 months would be hard for me, too, but please try to understand the pressures your SO is under. You can make this harder for him or you can make it easy. There is always give and take in relationships. In this situation you can focus on your pain and loss or you can see it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Being apart for so long can be very hard on a relationship. Sometimes at least one of the partners can fall out of love. This is why a lot of single people have the traveling salesman type jobs. So it can be dangerous to a relationship.

 

However, you guys were broken up for 3 months and survived that, so obviously you can handle it.

This is true, however we were broken up for 3 months and long distance for 2 years - so we are a pretty solid couple! I guess it's just the principle. And i'm really not excited at the prospect of being alone for 2 months!!

It is just I feel like i've sacrificed so much for him and I wonder what he's done for me. I'm also in a successful and demanding career - although it is much more stable, permanent, fixed hours and with paid holidays. I could easily work in amazing places all over the world but I don't (I couldn't just work for a few months it would need to be at least a year contract). I'm 24 and with my line of work it's difficult to make friends to socialise with outwith work. Lots of my colleagues have families etc. If we lived in our hometown I would be fine with him going as I'd have plenty of friends and family to keep me busy- I'm slightly considering suggesting I move home, although that would definitely stop our relationship from progressing.

 

Maybe you are right though - I should suck it up and be happy for him to have that opportunity. That approach is just not coming naturally to me sadly!

Do you both understand that you are doing these sacrifices. He maybe thinking that you are doing it voluntarily. There is a fine line between doing it voluntarily and sacrifice.

It is just I feel like i've sacrificed so much for him and I wonder what he's done for me.

Relationships aren't about giving things up. They're about finding a common ground from which to build from. You may have sacrificed to move in with him, but another woman might have been happy to have the opportunity to move to his location. That is the woman his relationship calls for. If you can adjust your mindset to embrace the living situation, you could be that woman. If you can't, you're only going to build more and more resentment over the years.

Stop sacrificing and appeal to your own interests. If it so happens you and him lack a common ground from which to be able to do so constructively within the relationship, then I'm sorry, but you're not right for each other.

How is 7 yrs with zero commitment 'progressing'? So he will be basking in the warmth of Italy and you will be shoveling snow alone at his house for 2 months? Cool.

Move back home. He's going places and you are going nowhere/backwards fast and understandably resenting it.

If we lived in our hometown I would be fine with him going as I'd have plenty of friends and family to keep me busy- I'm slightly considering suggesting I move home, although that would definitely stop our relationship from progressing

Why ARE you doing these things if they feel like sacrifices to you? Is there something tied in to that for you - marriage in the future, babies?!

I'm just trying to understand. It's pretty clear this is going to be the landscape for a good long time. He'll be away, he has to be available at the drop of a hat, and you are someone who sees it as difficult to be on your own for two months at a time. (instead of seeing that as an opportunity to rock out your own while he's gone ha).

So a compatibility issue.

So why is it that you are investing so much in it when it feels like sacrifice to you?

My wife has always wanted to travel to Europe. A few years ago my work sent me there and she was so jealous. I wish I could have brought her with me, but finances would now allow it. To me it felt awful because I felt I had to choose between furthering my career and keeping my wife happy. I ended up going, but it really put a lot of stress on our relationship. I wish she could have been more understanding of the pressures I was under, and I wish she hadn't taken it so personally.

 

You seem to have made a lot of willing sacrifices for this relationship. Sacrifices can be wonderful and good, unless there is an unspoken price tag attached, like you feel that he "owes it to you" to not go to Italy because you've made sacrifices for him. But there was never such an agreement. Being alone for 2 months would be hard for me, too, but please try to understand the pressures your SO is under. You can make this harder for him or you can make it easy. There is always give and take in relationships. In this situation you can focus on your pain and loss or you can see it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Thank you very much this - it's really useful to hear it from the other side! I know my partner will be feeling the same as you did - the whole situation is really upsetting him. He even said that although the opportunity should excite him, it isn't and he feels awful. I suppose if I make it easier for him - he will appreciate me more for it. I also wonder if he didn't go because of me, how would I really feel about that? I'd imagine i'd feel quite bad...

This is true, however we were broken up for 3 months and long distance for 2 years - so we are a pretty solid couple! I guess it's just the principle. And i'm really not excited at the prospect of being alone for 2 months!!

- Yes, you have got it. I think you are just griping at the prospect of him leaving you for a couple of months. I can't blame you.

On the other hand, it shows you love him...... and love is a beautiful thing! There is always a sunny side!

Well... I can't get past why him having to go to Italy for work infuriates you. Sounds like jealousy to me. It doesn't seem like you are as solid as you'd like to believe, especially if two months apart is causing you to rethink everything. Were you the one who initiated the initial 3 month break up? If so, it seems like you are the unstable, codependent one. The sacrifices you've made were voluntary, did he ask you to move to the city for him?

It sounds like you would be holding him back from success in his job, which you said yourself is extremely demanding. If you have no friends in the city, you need to go out and make some. The things you mentioned that are troubling you seem to be your own issues, issues that he did not cause. Why can't/haven't you ventured out in the city to make friends and do things separate from him? Are you working? Do you have co-workers or hobbies? Sounds like you are very codependent on him. As someone who dated someone in the military, I can tell you that distance apart shouldn't be this big of a deal. My ex was in Japan for 2 years, and went on several other smaller deployments (3-6 months) over the course of our relationship. Distance can definitely be hard, but it can also be good. There's an old saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

In my opinion, it sounds like you need to just get over yourself. It sounds harsh, but honest. Rethink some things. If this short 2-month work trip is making you think about whether or not you want to be with your boyfriend of 7 years, then you've got some deeper issues with him to ponder on.

Jobs sometime aren't the best for relationships. The problem is love doesn't pay the bills. It's 8 weeks who cares. Like others have said maybe he can take u along. My previous employer I could be gone for 2 months at a time. But if I took somone it would be hell for them cause I could be working 20 hr days. I still travel for work but now I have alot more downtime but bounce around to much. Traveling for work is work it's not a vacation by any means. Doesn't matter where u go I've been everywhere all looks the same when u r working.

I wish you the best but unless you can support him while he gets new education or finds another job I'd live with 8 weeks. Plus he would have to feel secure enough to do such a thing.

Well... I can't get past why him having to go to Italy for work infuriates you. Sounds like jealousy to me. It doesn't seem like you are as solid as you'd like to believe, especially if two months apart is causing you to rethink everything. Were you the one who initiated the initial 3 month break up? If so, it seems like you are the unstable, codependent one. The sacrifices you've made were voluntary, did he ask you to move to the city for him?

 

It sounds like you would be holding him back from success in his job, which you said yourself is extremely demanding. If you have no friends in the city, you need to go out and make some. The things you mentioned that are troubling you seem to be your own issues, issues that he did not cause. Why can't/haven't you ventured out in the city to make friends and do things separate from him? Are you working? Do you have co-workers or hobbies? Sounds like you are very codependent on him. As someone who dated someone in the military, I can tell you that distance apart shouldn't be this big of a deal. My ex was in Japan for 2 years, and went on several other smaller deployments (3-6 months) over the course of our relationship. Distance can definitely be hard, but it can also be good. There's an old saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

In my opinion, it sounds like you need to just get over yourself. It sounds harsh, but honest. Rethink some things. If this short 2-month work trip is making you think about whether or not you want to be with your boyfriend of 7 years, then you've got some deeper issues with him to ponder on.

Oh I am jealous. I've always been jealous at how much effort he puts into his career. No, he initiated the break up because he felt like I wouldn't be able to cope with the way his career was going(ha). During the break up I lived in a different city with a great circle of friends and decided that as long as I had friends around me, then I could deal with the demands of his job. Turns out making friends in a new city was much more difficult than I thought it would be! I work in a very demanding profession which rules out being able to socialise on weekdays and my colleagues are mostly older and have other commitments. I'm 24 and don't drive - I used to go to the gym but there's not one nearby. Trust me, if we lived at home I wouldn't have as much of a problem with him leaving for a couple of months.

When we were long distance it definitely was a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder. I could hope with it quite easily because I was always busy and I appreciated how much stronger it made us. But now that I have moved for him, the thought of him having a great time in Italy and me being stuck at home, lonely throughout the winter infuriates me - especially as it's the one place I wanted us to visit together and that he can't take time off work for us to go on holiday (we haven't been on holiday together for 2 years).

I agree, I wish I could get over myself haha! I want to be that positive, all supportive, optimistic person - so much! I'm just finding it difficult.

Oh I am jealous. I've always been jealous at how much effort he puts into his career. No, he initiated the break up because he felt like I wouldn't be able to cope with the way his career was going(ha). During the break up I lived in a different city with a great circle of friends and decided that as long as I had friends around me, then I could deal with the demands of his job. Turns out making friends in a new city was much more difficult than I thought it would be! I work in a very demanding profession which rules out being able to socialise on weekdays and my colleagues are mostly older and have other commitments. I'm 24 and don't drive - I used to go to the gym but there's not one nearby. Trust me, if we lived at home I wouldn't have as much of a problem with him leaving for a couple of months.

 

When we were long distance it definitely was a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder. I could hope with it quite easily because I was always busy and I appreciated how much stronger it made us. But now that I have moved for him, the thought of him having a great time in Italy and me being stuck at home, lonely throughout the winter infuriates me - especially as it's the one place I wanted us to visit together and that he can't take time off work for us to go on holiday (we haven't been on holiday together for 2 years).

 

I agree, I wish I could get over myself haha! I want to be that positive, all supportive, optimistic person - so much! I'm just finding it difficult.

At least you're being honest with yourself. I feel you on most of your issues. I moved across the country to be with my ex (same guy I referred to in my last comment) and when I first moved here I had a terrible, terrible time. I had no friends, no hobbies, no car, no money (I spent it all to move here). I'm 25, and work in a demanding job as well, while also taking on some new endeavors for some side cash-flow. I understand how hard it is to venture out and meet new people let alone find friends. And I also understand how hard it is in general to make new friends at our ages.

In arguments with my ex, I always felt bitter. I told him I moved here for you, left all my friends and family for you, etc. He didn't really care. It was a sacrifice I had made, yes, but it was my own decision and therefore I have no right to blame him for it. You also knew his career was demanding, and he even broke up with you for fear that you wouldn't be able to cope, and you can't cope. Maybe this is a sign that it's time to end it. You seem to be going in different directions. If you can't find it in yourself to be the supportive person you want to be, then it's a real issue for your relationship.

In a relationship, you need a certain amount of time devoted just to each other (but also a certain amount of time apart), it sounds like with his job and your job, you don't spend nearly enough time together or working on your issues as you should be. It also doesn't sound like either of you are willing to leave your careers (wouldn't expect that). If that's the case then you'd have to leave the relationship instead. You're not getting what you need from him, it's as simple as that. He can't really help it, which sucks, but that's the way it goes.

I agree, I wish I could get over myself haha! I want to be that positive, all supportive, optimistic person - so much! I'm just finding it difficult.

Jman makes a really strong point that you should really consider. Are you right for each other if the things that some women would happily do feels like sacrifice to you?

A good example: military families. I live near an Air Force base. The married folks I know that are doing better are the ones where both partners are either in the military or grew up in a military family. The two recent splits I have seen is basically between a civilian and a soldier. Had a conversation with someone about it. Basically, he said it's probably because one chick was fine with the lifestyle (the solid couple) and the other struggled (the separating couple).