Not sure what to do

Let me give some of my history before I share my problem. I have been married/divorced 2 times, I have a 10 year old son from 2nd marriage, this is my only child. I have full custody of my son because ex ended up having a lot of issues, so with that being said, im just not ready to go down the marriage road anytime soon....if ever.

Now, I have been dating the same woman for the last 4.5 years. When we first started dating, I told her I didnt see myself getting married anytime soon if ever. She was recently divorced from a 20 year marriage and also felt the same way. We have had a good relationship, rarely have issue and seem to see eye to eye on most things. She gets along good with my son and has always helped me wherever I have needed it. She has grown kids that no longer live with her (we are both in our mid 40s).

Over the course of the last year...year and a half, she has really started pushing for us to further our relationship, she has had several family members that have been married over the last 2 years. I have told her im not ready at this point and not sure if I will be. We have had issues with her wanting to further the relationship, but have always just moved past the talk and overlooked it, but now she is to the point of needing to know whether im willing or not. I have pretty much told her the same thing as I always have....that im not ready for another marriage.

So, I guess to give more detail into why im not ready, there are multiple reasons. 1. I feel like a lot of times Im not giving my son the attention he needs, that in some ways I have overlooked spending quality time with my son to spend time with her, which she is over pretty much all day. I dont feel I have the bond I once had with my son before I started dating her. She is a pretty clingy person, and if you do your own thing when she is around she thinks there is a problem. (We do not live together, she goes home every night). 2. She tends to tell me how I need to deal with my ex (Childs mother) and seems to be very jealous and I don't know why because I have no feelings for my ex or anything along those lines, I actually can't stand being around my ex, but my girlfriend still seems to be jealous. 3. She tends to tell me how I need to raise my son or how I need to do things that pertain to my son. As I always appreciate advice, I feel I am doing a good job with my son. 4. She is very sexually driven and I for the most part am not as much as I use to be. This has caused real issues as well.

I dont really know what im trying to get out of this forum, I guess to find out if Im making a mistake and letting a good thing leave my life or if I should stick to how I feel and let her move on if she is tired of waiting for me? I just dont want to end up miserable down the road by getting married and having her live with me. Im to the point in my life where I dont feel like I need to be married or dating to feel complete. Maybe after my son is older and out I'll be more inclined to further a relationship but right now I just dont have that desire. She really is a good person and If I had to describe what a good woman is, I would definitely describe a lot of her attributes...but im just not marriage material yet....

So is the real issue that you don't want to be married, or that you don't want to be married to HER? Some of things you mentioned about her being clingy and jealous and giving you advice -- if that's happening while you are dating, it seems like it will only get worse if you were to marry her. Have you talked to her about those behaviors and told her how it makes you feel when she acts like that? It sounds to me like you were very up front with her about not wanting to be married. Now she has changed her mind and is hoping you will change your mind, too. I guess if it really came down to it and you had to make a choice, would you rather break up with her or marry her? Which do you think would be worse? I honestly don't see it going well if you married her, based on the 4 things you listed. I think that is at least part of your hesitation (plus bad experiences in the past). Have you considered individual and/or couples counseling to help make sense of all of this?

Instead of saying 'not ready' tell her 2 divorces were enough and you do not Ever see yourself marrying again. That the risk of divorce in a 3rd marriage is over 70%. It sounds like there is a lot of trouble brewing already with regard to values, kids, expectations,etc.

Tell her living together and being committed/faithful is as far as it will ever go. The longer you evade the conversation or string someone along with 'not yet' the worse it will get and the relationship will erode further from this stand-off.

We have had issues with her wanting to further the relationship, but have always just moved past the talk and overlooked it, but now she is to the point of needing to know whether im willing or not. I have pretty much told her the same thing as I always have....that im not ready for another marriage. We do not live together, she goes home every night

So is the real issue that you don't want to be married, or that you don't want to be married to HER? Some of things you mentioned about her being clingy and jealous and giving you advice -- if that's happening while you are dating, it seems like it will only get worse if you were to marry her. Have you talked to her about those behaviors and told her how it makes you feel when she acts like that? It sounds to me like you were very up front with her about not wanting to be married. Now she has changed her mind and is hoping you will change your mind, too. I guess if it really came down to it and you had to make a choice, would you rather break up with her or marry her? Which do you think would be worse? I honestly don't see it going well if you married her, based on the 4 things you listed. I think that is at least part of your hesitation (plus bad experiences in the past). Have you considered individual and/or couples counseling to help make sense of all of this?

I think the issue is Im just not ready to be married to anyone right now, its not person specific. And yes, im sure the things that I have issues with now will only get worse if we get married. Counseling has never came up, I guess thats always and option, but I still dont see that pointing me towards marriage at this point in my life. I do agree with you that my past marriage experiences play a big role with how I feel.

Instead of saying 'not ready' tell her 2 divorces were enough and you do not Ever see yourself marrying again. That the risk of divorce in a 3rd marriage is over 70%. It sounds like there is a lot of trouble brewing already with regard to values, kids, expectations,etc.

 

Tell her living together and being committed/faithful is as far as it will ever go. The longer you evade the conversation or string someone along with 'not yet' the worse it will get and the relationship will erode further from this stand-off.

I have told her that 2 divorces are a lot of whats holding me back. We do not live together. I do agree that saying "not ready" and "not yet" are bad words to use, but Im just trying to be as honest as I can be. I know as of now I dont want to get married, but im not sure how I will feel after my son is grown and gone. With that said, I know it does make her feel as if she is getting strung along...but not my intentions at all as I have tried to be as honest as possible.

Ok then you can say this, it's quite honest 6629669] I know as of now I dont want to get married, but im not sure how I will feel after my son is grown and gone.

First off, maybe she shouldn't spend so much time at your home. If you need more time with your son, you need to tell her that. Just let her know that quality time with him is important to you. Anyone that has had kids usually understands the need to spend time with just your son. Does your son like her?

Second - why doesn't she spend the night? Is that a issue for you? Im not sure if that is why she is so sexually minded or not but her needs aren't being met and that is a problem too. Im surprised that hasn't torn you apart at this point. Not being sexually compatible is a big turn off to me.

Third - I have been married twice too. Once when I was too young and the second was for 17 years. I am embarrassed about being married twice and to some people it means two very wrong decisions. I DO NOT want to get married again either. But I would entertain living with someone if we were good partners. So, maybe that might be something you can think about doing. At this point you are looking at another 8 years of child rearing which means she would have to wait another 8 years for you to decide if you are ready or not. I think that is asking way too much of her.

First off, maybe she shouldn't spend so much time at your home. If you need more time with your son, you need to tell her that. Just let her know that quality time with him is important to you. Anyone that has had kids usually understands the need to spend time with just your son. Does your son like her?

 

Second - why doesn't she spend the night? Is that a issue for you? Im not sure if that is why she is so sexually minded or not but her needs aren't being met and that is a problem too. Im surprised that hasn't torn you apart at this point. Not being sexually compatible is a big turn off to me.

 

Third - I have been married twice too. Once when I was too young and the second was for 17 years. I am embarrassed about being married twice and to some people it means two very wrong decisions. I DO NOT want to get married again either. But I would entertain living with someone if we were good partners. So, maybe that might be something you can think about doing. At this point you are looking at another 8 years of child rearing which means she would have to wait another 8 years for you to decide if you are ready or not. I think that is asking way too much of her.

janut1, thank you for your reply. I have been honest with her from the beginning, I do not feel like im stringing her along and if I somehow am I definitely don't mean to as I have tried to tell her and be honest. As for living together, my divorce papers dont permit it (being unmarried) and even if they did, I wouldn't do it just because I wouldn't want my son thinking that was right.

looks like you are in different phases of your relationship. just think of this - if this relationship breaks down because you are not ready to get married, would you be ready to accept that as against marrying her? i think they way you have said it, this is where its heading. if it doesnt, its well and good. but i think its time you make a choice and be firm in your mind.

i think your reasons are genuine and valid. its just that i wouldnt necessarily share that with her if i were you. because frankly, some of them are insensitive even if valid none the less. all the best.

Does she know this?

As for living together, my divorce papers dont permit it (being unmarried) and even if they did, I wouldn't do it just because I wouldn't want my son thinking that was right.

looks like you are in different phases of your relationship. just think of this - if this relationship breaks down because you are not ready to get married, would you be ready to accept that as against marrying her? i think they way you have said it, this is where its heading. if it doesnt, its well and good. but i think its time you make a choice and be firm in your mind.

 

i think your reasons are genuine and valid. its just that i wouldnt necessarily share that with her if i were you. because frankly, some of them are insensitive even if valid none the less. all the best.

I feel I would be ready to end the relationship if im given the ultimatum....I say that because not being 100% ready will more than likely lead to a bad outcome or make me feel resentful down the road because I would feel like I was pushed into it. Also, I think if we went our separate ways, I would be ok and would be able to get over it with a little time. I think she would move on and find someone that can provide her with what she is looking for, not saying I would be thrilled about it, but would definitely rather see her happy since Im not willing to move forward at the current time, but don't expect her to wait around on me.

It sounds like the thing you really need to do is stick to your guns. It sounds like you are letting her control your life, and you seem to be very passive about it, even apologetic. You don't stand up for yourself and you aren't really up front with her about things. You just sort of let things slide without expressing your annoyance at certain things.

It doesn't sound like you are "not ready" to get married, it sounds like you've made up your mind and you do not want to get married again at all, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If that's the case, you need to tell her exactly that. If she has a problem with it, then it might be time to call it quits. If you want to spend more quality time with your son, you need to tell her you would like to spend more quality time with your son. It sounds like she walks freely in and out of your home whenever she wants and you really have no say about it. It's your home, if you don't want her there so often, don't allow her to be there so often.

Maybe discuss with her other ways to further your relationship without getting married, cohabitation perhaps, if you are ready for it. Get a pet together, anything.

Yes, set yourselves free before this tension and minimizing the truth turns to outright hate. Do you hang on to her for the sex and babysitting she helps you with?

I think if we went our separate ways, I would be ok and would be able to get over it with a little time. I think she would move on and find someone that can provide her with what she is looking for.

I agree with the other responses.

You telling her that you are not ready yet suggests you may be ready at some point. I understand why she might be asking when, then.

It's been over 4 years and if you are still not sure and by the sounds of it I doubt you want to be married, or at least - married to her.

You've written a list of negatives which seem valid, but didn't counter it with good enough reasons to continue.

If you can say you would be ok without her, then you should consider letting her go