Kinda need to vent

Over the weekend, Saturday, there was a walk to raise money for a disorder that my daughter has. I have been posting about it daily on the page I created for her and on my page. I invited everyone on my friend list who lives in the area but I did caveat on the page with "I know not everyone can make it I just wanted to make people who live in the area aware of it."

I thought this year, since I let people know in advance a lot further that her dad's side of the family would show up. My dad was the only one who showed up. My stepmom had her 'migraines' suddenly (which seems to happen every time some type of exercise is involve) which ok fine. My brother has been sick lately he fought a bout of viral meningitis and then saw him post his legs were giving out Friday and his wife said he was passing out. I said okay that's understandable. Don't come. My youngest brother's wife finally had their baby so that was understandable. My mom didn't have enough money after my grandpa's funeral two weeks ago and then had to pay tags on her husband's car. My other younger brother had to work. My other brother lives in Iowa and has no car. But at least they talked to me about not coming. My brother's gf was going to come but she told me at the last minute and lives an hour and a half away and I said by the time you get here it will be over and we will be gone.

Her dad's family didn't say anything except his mom said she would come. None of them show. Then later that night I see them tagged in some pictures at the horse races. Maybe I took it a little too personal but I was mad that they could take time - his dad, his mom, one sister and her family - to go to horse races but not to come see their granddaughter/niece and support her in this walk. I invited all of them. They knew about it. They could have easily planned it. And the races are just as far as coming to that walk.

I texted his mom and I admit I was a bit y. I calmed down a bit and messaged his dad and sister. They all attacked me and got on the defensive about it. His sister says "My husband had to work I can't help that." I said what about you and the girls coming? "He had the van. What was I supposed to do? I guess I'll just ask your permission before I go places." I said that's not what I said. I just asked why you didn't plan for it. Then his mom had forwarded his dad the text I sent and he got mad at me and defensive "I always stick up for you and then you talk ." I said I didn't talk that was more directed at her than you.

I apologized to his sister and his dad. His dad said he had been doing things around the house and getting things ready for his mom to go to the nursing home "What time was the walk?" I said I sent you the invite and I posted daily about it to raise money. I asked who are these people who you defend me to when we don't talk to the same people. "People you went to high school with." I'm like really? I looked at his friend list. One person who was 3 grades below me in my brother's class who I don't talk to. I said I only hung out with my best friend in school because everyone else would talk about my family (small town rumor mill crap). So whatever anyone said that went to the same school you tell them to come to me or just ignore it.

But his mom - she said the reason she didn't come when she said she would is "You said your family would be there and they hate me so I didn't want to fight." And" When I plan things they take control of it." I said what are you talking about? They don't hate you. They never have treated you badly. My parents were mad at the way you treated me a few months ago when we had that fight. And what have you ever planned? Nothing."

My stepmom planned my baby shower. I planned my daughter's birthdays. I did all the stuff to get info out on the walks the last two years. His family never shows up to anything for her except her birthday party. No walks. They have been to see her in the hospital maybe twice in the last two years. Never ask about her. I feel like I have to go out of my way for her to know that side of othe family and I finally hit my boiling point when I saw them at the damn horse races when they could have also gone to this walk. Then for his mom to talk crap about my family? I am done with her and I am not talking to his family for a month. If they ask about our daughter in the next month, they can see her. If they don't, then I know.

I have been there for them for the last 16 years I've known them. I have stuck up for them with his ex wife, with him. I stuck up for their mom when all four kids talk crap about her and call her crazy and a horrible mom. I stuck up for the whole family when people from their town would talk about them. I helped his mom the last two years of college with writing papers because she is a moron. I sat there and talked to her when her current husband has abused her. She also lied to me about how her windshield got busted last week. Her husband bashed it in drunk so I said until he gets help he definitely isn't around my daughter.

She apologized to me last Friday about the fight so I was keeping her at a distance but talking to her. But now I realize the only reason she did is she got mad at my ex because he left the halfway house and took off and had relapses. Now he's in either a shelter and waiting to get in rehab but still. I should've known she only apologized because she was mad at him.

I shouldn't worry what they think but they've been family for 16 years so to find out that they can so easily treat me like this while calling me family it hurts. His sister also went off on me that I called her other brother lazy. I told her other brother to his face he's lazy because he's been using his son as an excuse to stay home and smoke pot. Now his son is in kindergarten. Even my ex told him that. And then gets on me because of her sister in law and her brother "I don't agree with things they do but they're family like you and I would stick up for you." I said YOU told me your sister in law is crazy and YOU won't leave your kids alone with her. And you guys talk more crap about your brothers than I ever have.

I thought my family was messed up - this family is a completely different level of crazy. I did always stick up for them but the fact they got defensive when I asked about why they could go to horse races and skip out on something for their granddaughter/niece says it all. They didn't even share the link to their pages. My family and friends at least shared it and the only people who donated? Me, my family and one guy I went to school with. That's it. I'm irritated that my aunts and uncles don't come out either. I told them that. I told them there are people in my family who don't seem to support. But they took it personally.

I know it's better off if I just don't talk to them and honestly, I've rarely talked to them in the last several months because it seems like every time I do they get offended and take something personal that isn't even directed to them or I feel like I'm bothering them. Even though they say "Oh we're always here for your and (my daughter) and message or call anytime."

It's just frustrating when people who have told you they love you and call you family turn their back on you so easily.

Without knowing everything about this situation, it's hard to authoritatively state where the problem lies and what to do about it. However, I had a few impressions after reading your post:

1) There are a lot of dysfunctional people in your life, it seems.

2) You are very, very angry -- not just about this incident, but in general. There is a lot of resentment built up in you.

3) You are taking this very personally. All you can do is invite people to participate, you can't force them.

4) You seem to have certain expectations about how people should behave, and when those expectations aren't met (which seems inevitable), you experience frustration.

I don't know all of the details about your family or your husband's family, but I doubt they are going to fix themselves any time soon. You can't control them anyway, but you CAN control yourself and your reactions. I think you see the world and the people in it through a very negative lens. If you want to change your life, begin by changing your perspective. If you want to change your interactions with family members, start by changing yourself. Right now you seem to be giving other people a lot of power over you, and the end result is (and will continue to be) disappointment.

I realize you are just venting and no one is at their best when they are venting. If this was a one-time thing, it would be easy to move past, but I sense years and years of built up resentment in your words. That sort of thing can really lead to a lot of unhappiness for yourself and those around you.

There are ways to find healing and to live a better life, even if no one around you ever changes.

good venting...

i believe its clear where their priorities lie. why chase people and beg with them? just do what you can do and be close to ppl who believe in you.

good venting...

 

i believe its clear where their priorities lie. why chase people and beg with them? just do what you can do and be close to ppl who believe in you.

I know and that's what I realized but they've been part of my life for 16 years and it just hurts. It hurts when people who have told you for that long you are family, you are loved and we will be there for you turn their backs on you. I told his sister that it honestly seems like ever since I got pregnant they started to distance themselves even though they pushed for years for me to be with him. I even agreed with the other sister before she disowned me that it was a bad idea to try things with him after I got pg after the things that had happened. It was a bad idea I just did what I thought was right at the time and I don't know. It's just weird.