I cannot read this guy

Not really sure that I'm looking for advice or just looking for an outlet for my thoughts.

So, met a guy. I'd previously mentioned he was wanting to move slowly and I was trying to look for things to do that were not really romantic and I got great advice about not taking any romance out of it.

His 16 year marriage recently ended. Which he was very upfront about even before the first date. He said he realized he may not quite be ready but wanted to keep the date we had already planned. We met for lunch, had great conversation, and it was really relaxed, probably because we both didn't really have any expectations. But obviously something clicked because we keep making plans and seeing each other. He makes it clear he finds me attractive, and makes it clear he enjoys being with me, and that he looks forward to our dates and wants to continue to see me.

However, he also makes it clear he is still planning dates, and talking to other women. Which is fine. Like I said, we've only been out 3 times so far. I'd rather him get it all out of his system now, rather than jump right into something with me, and maybe later regret that. Obviously I hope he eventually realizes he wants to be exclusive with me, but I don't want to put demands on him, or even myself, to define things this early.

I guess this is where I get confused. Because he'll give me this little speech "I'm not ready to be exclusive" but then turn around in the next breath and say things that again, make it very clear he plans on continuing to date me. We have a date planned for next weekend. and throughout conversation, he'll throw out ideas for places we can go or things we can do together in the future. He even sort of hinted, more than once, that he'd be open to moving closer to where I live (we are about 30 miles apart).

Thoughts??

He's been clear about his intentions. He just wants to date around and not have a relationship. All the rest is wishful thinking on your part.

He's being quite honest with you and is basically telling you he still wants to play the field.

You can either wait around and be one of many or find someone who is only interested in you. I doubt very much it is going to change soon..he was married for 16 years and is enjoying all the different attentions.

Well if you like his company and conversation you can keep hanging out with him when he has the time, while making sure to keep sex out of the equation. Also, it is mandatory that you also keep your options open and keep meeting other men, you never know when you meet one who is more serious than this guy about starting a relationship and wanting to commit. And I only advise you to do so if you're sure you won't get attached, or else you'll get your heart broken when he eventually meets a woman he does want to start a relationship with.

Personally I would have ended it the second he told me he was arranging dates with other women, because I would see no point in wasting hours out of my life getting to know someone who is spreading himself thin between me and other women and who was clear about not wanting anything exclusive for the foreseeable future. But then again, I have a different dating style and I tend to only accept dates with men who share the same beliefs.

He's been clear about his intentions. He just wants to date around and not have a relationship. All the rest is wishful thinking on your part.

I don't really recall mentioning any "wishes" other than saying yes, eventually I hope he decides to stop dating around. He's been clear he wants to spend time with me. He's not going out with any other woman more than once. I know he's not sleeping with anyone else. He and I aren't sleeping together either.

He sounds and acts interested. At least he's upfront about not wanting anything serious

...Which is why it makes this string-along comment so odd 6625937]He even sort of hinted, more than once, that he'd be open to moving closer to where I live (we are about 30 miles apart)

Well if you like his company and conversation you can keep hanging out with him when he has the time, while making sure to keep sex out of the equation. Also, it is mandatory that you also keep your options open and keep meeting other men, you never know when you meet one who is more serious than this guy about starting a relationship and wanting to commit. And I only advise you to do so if you're sure you won't get attached, or else you'll get your heart broken when he eventually meets a woman he does want to start a relationship with.

 

Personally I would have ended it the second he told me he was arranging dates with other women, because I would see no point in wasting hours out of my life getting to know someone who is spreading himself thin between me and other women and who was clear about not wanting anything exclusive for the foreseeable future. But then again, I have a different dating style and I tend to only accept dates with men who share the same beliefs.

I think it's a little presumptious to expect him to stop dating just because we've gone out 3 times. Now, if we were sleeping together, I would somewhat agree, but we aren't.

I am getting the bulk of his time. He has his kids every other weekend, and 2 nights a week. I already have a standing date with him on his free saturdays, and then he wants to see me 2 of his 3 free weeknights, so he's not keeping a whole lot of time open for several other women.

Don't confuse planing fun casual dates with wanting a relationship. He has warned you very plainly that he is not looking for that, so if you are, then you should probably get busy looking elsewhere for that.

This guy is going out, having fun dates with different women, recovering from his divorce and enjoying the single life. He is also 100% upfront about that. There is nothing confusing there and he has been very very plain speaking about where he is coming from and where he is at mentally and emotionally. Basically, he told you very directly what you don't want to hear, now you have to decide if you want to proceed and risk getting hurt, if you are good with casual or if you need to walk away before you get attached and hurt.

It sounds like he got a lot of advice telling him to not jump into anything, take it slow etc. Which is a good thing given the history. So actually it sounds like he trying to do the 'right thing' and follow the 'right steps' when reentering dating. So even if is is really into you he probably feels he should 'take things slow',etc.

I am getting the bulk of his time. He has his kids every other weekend, and 2 nights a week. I already have a standing date with him on his free saturdays, and then he wants to see me 2 of his 3 free weeknights, so he's not keeping a whole lot of time open for several other women.

I think it's a little presumptious to expect him to stop dating just because we've gone out 3 times. Now, if we were sleeping together, I would somewhat agree, but we aren't.

 

I am getting the bulk of his time. He has his kids every other weekend, and 2 nights a week. I already have a standing date with him on his free saturdays, and then he wants to see me 2 of his 3 free weeknights, so he's not keeping a whole lot of time open for several other women.

You seem to already know what you want to do, so then go for it! Just because this situation wouldn't sit well with me or other posters it doesn't mean it can't work out for you.

And yeah, I would totally expect a guy to stop dating others after going out with me 3 times, of course I would. I do the same for them, obviously. And never have I had a guy having issues with this, in fact they liked me enough that they wouldn't have had it any other way.

In your case though, the guy was honest and told you he wasn't ready to give you anything serious (with good reason, he is still on the rebound). You can take it or leave it, it's entirely your call.

It sounds like he got a lot of advice telling him to not jump into anything, take it slow etc. Which is a good thing given the history. So actually it sounds like he trying to do the 'right thing' and follow the 'right steps' when reentering dating. So even if is is really into you he probably feels he should 'take things slow',etc.

yes, that's the vibe I'm getting as well. Like, he's very interested, but just wants to make sure he's going about this the right way. Even as he says "I want to move slowly when it comes to commitment", he almost directly follows that with statements that contradict it. He's willing to spend MOST of his free time with me, yet not willing to put a label on it just yet. He follows our dates with texts stating how much he enjoyed being with me, and how much he looks forward to seeing me again. and before the last date, he texted me starting 4 days before to say how excited he was.

I hope he eventually realizes he wants to be exclusive with me.

Thoughts??

It sounds like he's been pretty clear that he's talking and dating other women. I wouldn't hold out "hope" that he's going to pick you. If you're ultimately looking for a relationship, find someone who is emotionally ready. You deserve it!

Not really sure that I'm looking for advice or just looking for an outlet for my thoughts.

 

So, met a guy. I'd previously mentioned he was wanting to move slowly and I was trying to look for things to do that were not really romantic and I got great advice about not taking any romance out of it.

 

His 16 year marriage recently ended. Which he was very upfront about even before the first date. He said he realized he may not quite be ready but wanted to keep the date we had already planned. We met for lunch, had great conversation, and it was really relaxed, probably because we both didn't really have any expectations. But obviously something clicked because we keep making plans and seeing each other. He makes it clear he finds me attractive, and makes it clear he enjoys being with me, and that he looks forward to our dates and wants to continue to see me.

 

However, he also makes it clear he is still planning dates, and talking to other women. Which is fine. Like I said, we've only been out 3 times so far. I'd rather him get it all out of his system now, rather than jump right into something with me, and maybe later regret that. Obviously I hope he eventually realizes he wants to be exclusive with me, but I don't want to put demands on him, or even myself, to define things this early.

 

I guess this is where I get confused. Because he'll give me this little speech "I'm not ready to be exclusive" but then turn around in the next breath and say things that again, make it very clear he plans on continuing to date me. We have a date planned for next weekend. and throughout conversation, he'll throw out ideas for places we can go or things we can do together in the future. He even sort of hinted, more than once, that he'd be open to moving closer to where I live (we are about 30 miles apart).

 

Thoughts??

He's just talking about the dates which he evidently looks forward too. There's no exclusivity talks, no declarations of love. There really should be no confusion here. As greta said, it is your own wishful thinking that is confusing matters. He has made his intentions perfectly clear.

You also need to remind yourself that you aren't the only one he is doing this with. When it comes to finally wanting to be in a relationship, he may well end up choosing any number of women he is dating .... or somebody he hasn't even met yet. I don't think you should be putting all of your eggs into THIS one basket.

He's fresh out of a 16 year marriage. You better believe dude's going down his dirty bucket list.

Well if you like his company and conversation you can keep hanging out with him when he has the time, while making sure to keep sex out of the equation. Also, it is mandatory that you also keep your options open and keep meeting other men

Now this is what I don't like. Even now that I'm 30, this still rubs me the wrong way.

It's the double-standard.

He will conform to the woman's frame. That is the only acceptable result.

So, the guy is dating around? So what?

The answer is to take sex off of the table. Use it as a lure for a relationship. Emotional manipulation. If he's worth a damn, he dumps her for that.

It's "mandatory" that a woman date around. But a man doing so needs bringing to heel. If his head is on right, he really won't care who she sees. It's obvious when a guy is the priority or the backup.

You are filtering for a weak-guy. A guy that is easily manipulated. You won't really want this guy.

It's completely neurotic.

A little snapshot into what guy's have to deal with weekly. And why any real man just does what he wants regardless XD

I think this guy is just wising up after a divorce - he doesn't want to be rushed into anything. If he's cool, go out with him. If not, don't. Simple.

So, the guy is dating around? So what?

The answer is to take sex off of the table. Use it as a lure for a relationship. Emotional manipulation.

Who is suggesting the use of sex as a lure for a relationship??? It's not about that, at all. She shouldn't have sex with him because he is dating around, they are not exclusive. Having sex at this point would only lead to heartbreak for her, it would give her a false sense of attachment, not to mention the STDs. It's not about luring anyone, it's about being smart and protecting one's heart and body.

So, the guy is dating around? So what?

 

The answer is to take sex off of the table. Use it as a lure for a relationship. Emotional manipulation.

 

Who is suggesting the use of sex as a lure for a relationship??? It's not about that, at all. She shouldn't have sex with him because he is dating around, they are not exclusive. Having sex at this point would only lead to heartbreak for her, it would give her a false sense of attachment, not to mention the STDs. It's not about luring anyone, it's about being smart and protecting one's heart and body.

And if the guy is smart, he won't accept a negotiation over intimacy.

Does she want to date a stupid guy, or a liar?

So, the guy is dating around? So what?

 

The answer is to take sex off of the table. Use it as a lure for a relationship. Emotional manipulation.

 

Who is suggesting the use of sex as a lure for a relationship??? It's not about that, at all. She shouldn't have sex with him because he is dating around, they are not exclusive. Having sex at this point would only lead to heartbreak for her, it would give her a false sense of attachment, not to mention the STDs. It's not about luring anyone, it's about being smart and protecting one's heart and body.

When it comes to the success of a person's actions...well, sometimes, our actions succeed for reasons that we aren't consciously aware of. For instance, a woman who's incompetent at her job keeps getting promoted, and she thinks it's because she's a good employee...in actuality, all of her (male) bosses wanted to **** her. Likewise, a woman may take sex off the table for something-or-other emotional reasons, but it sure does have a useful side-effect: becoming a factor that can be used to control the man.

Whenever a woman takes sexual intimacy off the table, the man should take emotional intimacy off the table. Our wants and needs are just as valid. Neither gender should be able to say "I get what I want, but you don't get what you want" in the early stages of a relationship. Either it's equal or it isn't.

 

Who is suggesting the use of sex as a lure for a relationship??? It's not about that, at all. She shouldn't have sex with him because he is dating around, they are not exclusive. Having sex at this point would only lead to heartbreak for her, it would give her a false sense of attachment, not to mention the STDs.

 

It's not about luring anyone, it's about being smart and protecting one's heart and body.

greta, being a woman I get what you're saying, but unless one wishes to live under a rock, there is no way to prevent getting hurt. It's just an inevitable fact of life, when we open ourselves up to another person, mentally, emotionally and/or sexually, we may get hurt.

Dating, love, relationships are one big risk and if one is not willing to take that risk, they have no business dating in the first place.

Having five brothers, two of whom I am extremely close with, I have learned a thing or two, one of which is that men and women pursue RLs entirely different from each other (the ole Mars/Venus thing...lol)

Men seek sex first, relationship second.

Women seek relationship first, sex second.

IMO this is like the number reason for many of the conflicts we face today in dating, love, relationships.

Taking it further, there are men who don't even know how they feel about a woman UNTIL sex happens.

Many men actually emotionally connect through physical intimacy. Before sex, they may feel attracted but to emotionally connect, they need physical intimacy (sex!).

This isn't true for all men, but for many men it is.

So by holding off on sex to protect her heart, she may end up causing the very thing she is attempting to avoid -- the man losing interest and or not feeling emotionally connected to her, which results in the broken heart she was attempting to avoid!

Also, even if she waited months to have sex, he could STILL leave after sex, thus breaking her heart.

There are just never any guarantees, ever!

For me personally, I have sex when I want to have sex! I have had sex the first night, and we stayed together for years, and I have waited weeks and there was nothing there afterwards.

Toss out any preconceived notions you have about not wanting to get hurt, or the man not respecting you afterwards, or whatevs.

None of it means a hill of beans in the grand scheme of things -- it's ALL a risk anyway. Living life is a risk!

Just be true to yourself... and let the universe guide you. In other words, what's meant to be will be.

I know that sounds hokey to some but I truly believe that!

And if the guy is smart, he won't accept a negotiation over intimacy.

 

Does she want to date a stupid guy, or a liar?

I am sooooooooo happy and grateful I am off the dating market! That's all I have to say lol. I don't think I could handle the way dating is being done these days!

greta, being a woman I get what you're saying, but unless one wishes to live under a rock, there is no way to prevent getting hurt. It's just an inevitable fact of life, when we open ourselves up to another person, mentally, emotionally and/or sexually, we may get hurt.

 

Dating, love, relationships are one big risk and if one is not willing to take that risk, they have no business dating in the first place.

 

Having five brothers, two of whom I am extremely close with, I have learned a thing or two, one of which is that men and women pursue RLs entirely different from each other (the ole Mars/Venus thing...lol)

 

Men seek sex first, relationship second.

 

Women seek relationship first, sex second.

 

IMO this is like the number reason for many of the conflicts we face today in dating, love, relationships.

 

Taking it further, there are men who don't even know how they feel about a woman UNTIL sex happens.

 

Many men actually emotionally connect through physical intimacy. Before sex, they may feel attracted but to emotionally connect, they need physical intimacy (sex!).

 

This isn't true for all men, but for many men it is.

 

So by holding off on sex to protect her heart, she may end up causing the very thing she is attempting to avoid -- the man losing interest and or not feeling emotionally connected to her, which results in the broken heart she was attempting to avoid!

 

Also, even if she waited months to have sex, he could STILL leave after sex, thus breaking her heart.

 

There are just never any guarantees, ever!

 

For me personally, I have sex when I want to have sex! I have had sex the first night, and we stayed together for years, and I have waited weeks and there was nothing there afterwards.

 

Toss out any preconceived notions you have about not wanting to get hurt, or the man not respecting you afterwards, or whatevs.

 

None of it means a hill of beans in the grand scheme of things -- it's ALL a risk anyway. Living life is a risk!

 

Just be true to yourself... and let the universe guide you. In other words, what's meant to be will be.

 

I know that sounds hokey to some but I truly believe that!

 

 

I like your post a lot, and I agree with most of it, especially the part where there are no guarantees in life

I am sooooooooo happy and grateful I am off the dating market! That's all I have to say lol. I don't think I could handle the way dating is being done these days!

It's a harsh scene. We can agree on that.

Also, even if she waited months to have sex, he could STILL leave after sex, thus breaking her heart.

 

There are just never any guarantees, ever!

 

For me personally, I have sex when I want to have sex! I have had sex the first night, and we stayed together for years, and I have waited weeks and there was nothing there afterwards.

Agree with this.

As long as he is being honest with her and she is being honest with herself (which is the real issue here) then I don't think factoring sex into the equation is going to make a difference to the end result. She is already emotionally attached to this guy. If she wants more than what he wants (ie. a relationship) then with or without the sex she is going to get hurt.

Don't put your hopes up. He is still looking around and doesn't want to settle yet. I advise that you do the same.It will be much better than falling in love with him later on and then realizing he didn't feel the same way. Stop the wishful thinking and be realistic you will be less hurt in the future.

I am sooooooooo happy and grateful I am off the dating market! That's all I have to say lol. I don't think I could handle the way dating is being done these days!

Feel for the rest of us Greta..lol. It's what you get these days for the most part.." I'm an honest guy..I want to not be exclusive or serious right away and mess about..but I'm honest right?!?"

Lord help us