3 loses in the space of 8 months

Hi all,

I'm glad I found this site. I hope I can relive some stress.

In November 2015 my Granddad died, due to ill health, still quite a shock because he deteriorated fairly quickly. Then in December my brother suddenly and tragically died, he was hit by a train. I was and still am in total shock. I'd not long been in a relationship and this had a hard impact on us, as I have never dealt with this grief before.

I thought I was handling it, or at least I thought I was. Little did I realise it hit me harder than I thought. My girlfriend noticed changes in me towards her, and I have to admit that those 3 months straight after I was in a bad way. So much so I can't even really remember much of those months.

Forward to April and my mood starts to lift, my girlfriend and I are on holiday and I feel I'm coming out of the worst part. During this time and before she had asked me to seek help, professional. To which I didn't, thinking I was handling it. Coming back off holiday in April it ultimately ended. She blamed me for not thinking of her during what I was going through, and she is right, I still have to take responsibility for how I treated her.

I feel as if my world is crashing down, my ex hasn't spoken to me since last Monday because I asked if she was dating, I still care for her so much, and she said yes, I always thought we might be able to rekindle or salvage us, having had clarity and taken responsibility for my actions towards her. I don't know what to do. Now every time I think of her I cry becasue she was there to support me with my brother. And then makes me think about my brother, this last week I haven't not cried every day.

What can I do, I want to come out of this stronger and am a very strong person, I've wrote her an apology letter explaining from my side, I feel as if she didn't give me or allow me to grieve, I feel at times she wanted to me to have a limit on how long I could grieve.

This is just me getting things off my chest. I'm seeing a counseller now, 2moro in fact. Shall I leave her be? How can I get through this, has anyone else had anything similar or along these lines?

I feel as if she didn't give me or allow me to grieve, I feel at times she wanted to me to have a limit on how long I could grieve.

If this is true, then perhaps she is not the kind of person you want to be with long-term. An intense storm like this can bring a couple closer together, or it can drive them apart.

I would focus on your own healing first. The relationship is a secondary issue. It might not be able to be salvaged if you heal, but it definitely won't be salvaged if you don't.

Be grateful for the wake up call she gave you and get the help you need. Sometimes we think we are handling things well when we really aren't, and we need someone to point it out (often through a severe action such as a breakup or intervention).

You've been through a lot and made the right choice to go to counseling. You DO need time to grieve (there really IS no time limit on something like that), but some people simply don't understand how it feels and don't know how to offer compassion. You need to surround yourself with patient and understanding people right now. Your girlfriend's actions have indicated that she does not fall into that category, at least at the moment.

There is no such thing as gratuitous pain, although it might feel that way. There is an opportunity for learning and growth in every tragedy. I suspect you will find yourself in the midst of this struggle. You'll discover who your friends really are, who truly loves you, and what truly matters. Let your pain make you better, not bitter.

God bless you, my brother. Just take things a day at a time.

If i were you, i'd simply apologize to your gf for not listening to her sooner, as you never had lost anyone in your life you didn't know how to deal with it, you learned that she was right and that you couldn't deal with it, and that you came back from your earlier decision and have decided to listen to her and are now visiting a counselor as she said you should.

Secondary, i would focus on your grief loss, it's hard when you have never experienced it, and still hard even if you experienced it.

However, what matters is how you perceive loss. Imagine if you would have died instead of your grandfather or your brother. Would you like to see them in grief, tears and agony over your death for many more years to come? Of course not! You would want them to live happy lives, and making the most out of their lives. SO instead of dying for your lost loved ones start living for them!

Next to counselling, i also advice you that you start reading self help books on grief to help you with your loss.

I recommend the following books.

Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief

Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief

Good Grief: 50th Anniversary Edition

If you feel in need of more self help books, they are out there. I hope this brings a droplet of relief for your grief.

hi all,tonight marks the 6 months since my father died in late Feb 16. since then i have lost also my dog , an aunt , my brother , a brother in law and also another aunt in that order..... with great support from family and friends ,coworkers , therapy and medication i am getting by . but i am no longer the person i was and will never be him again . there is still beautiful things to see .... but absolutely no joy in my life at the moment . this is a constant now . this grief surrounds me and blocks any communication with others while demanding all my attention and energy . i am lucky to have a partner medically experienced who can step back and let me be or hold me when its to much and the grief and crying set in. i am absolutely not normal in my thinking or acting at the moment . i don't expect to be for a few years . i know this is normal grief and have made a point of letting people know that i am still in mourning in the traditional sense and will be for a time and they are welcome to join me as i recover .....or not . i don't know if this helps anyone but maybe it might resonate with others experiencing the same . love to you all . jussie