Post break-up relationship limbo

My now ex-boyfriend of 2 years (turning 30 in Dec.) and myself - 28 - recently broke up about a month and a half ago. I appreciate anyone who reads this and gives feedback as I am in such inner turmoil I just don't know what's right or what to do anymore. Sorry it's somewhat long but here's the backstory and thank you again for reading it.

We started dating over 2 years ago and immediately were hooked onto each other. By month 3 we were madly in love and experiencing the pleasantries of the honeymoon period. There was one thing he was honest with me upfront and it was about how he had been in some traffic/motor vehicle legal trouble years before - he got a DUI underage, later got pulled over for careless driving, had his license suspended and then got caught driving while suspended. To sum up, he has just never really made smart decisions when it comes to driving and his license. After another driving while suspended, the courts had enough and took his license away for 5 years. This was in 2014. Being in love, I thought his issues with his license were not a big deal, I didn't mind being the sole driver. Our connection was unlike any I've ever had. By month 9 we moved in together, and a lesson I feel I have learned and will not do again is move in with someone because of CONVENIENCE, it was cheaper to share rent than to live individually but honestly that's not a reason to move in with someone. We moved into an apartment soley under my name because I found out he had horrible credit, and financed furniture under my name as well.

It was only until 6 months ago I began to grow tired of it, the license and credit issues (on top of also finding out he had so much debt under his name). There is a such a thing as a person losing their license to get a BP only license (Business purposes only) where he could drive to and from work and/or school, and to the grocery if need be. He just seemed to not care about bettering the situation. Having something like that could've really helped us both out, especially me since I am the only driver, at times taking him to work, school , going out together, doing the grocery shopping...it got exhausting! As adults, we've talked about our credit (because we've talked about a future together, traveling...buying and RV or house) but it struck me that for the next 3 years (he'll be able to get his license back in May 2018) it would be ME who'd have to buy and drive the RV if we got one. It was just the non-effort and inaction to remedy any of it that drove me to end our relationship. Those were the MAJOR factors, but also including that we realized I didn't respect him as a man because of those issues. I spoke to him poorly/like a child and our compatibility and communication was just failing. Plus he's an extrovert and I'm an introvert, I felt like we just didn't give each other enough space to be ourselves as individuals, for example - having our own hobbies and interests, and friendships outside of the relationship (on my part). Except for him, any time he did have a day off and was not hanging out with me, he'd get faced drunk with his friend like that was his only hobby outside of us.

Cut to now, the break up was mutual to an extent. Now that we've broken up he is now putting in effort to save his $ and buy a car so that he can get a BP license, take driver's tests etc, and he also got a credit card (finally after I told to get one 6 months ago). It's seems that this break-up put a fire under his butt to get his together. He is understanding what he needs to do now.

Emotionally this has been a huge rollercoaster because I still love him, I'm still in love with him but the love he has for me is not equal to the love I have for him and we both acknowledge it. We've had amazing post-break up sex but things got complicated on whether we should do a don't-ask don't-tell about other dating other people in general. But that's just it, I'm not interested in really trying to find someone else or actively date other people. It's so confusing and it just seems to be getting pretty messy emotionally at least for me. He is still really in love with me and just keeping contact with me makes him happy. Our issues are still there regardless of the sex. I have a hope that once he gets his together we could try again but it's going to take A LOT of time for that. We tried to stop talking and that lasted only 4 days. During that time, I just felt so empty, like a piece of my heart was just pulled out of my body, he's my best friend, we've talked everyday for over 2 years have done a lot and it's just sad to throw it all away on things that perhaps can be fixed. Now that we are talking again, my mind and heart are just so confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

You need to stop the break up sex and go no contact for both your sakes. He sounds like he has a major drink issue which tends to lead to lots of sad issues. NC will enable you to gain distance and look at it with clear eyes. You've been more like a mother to him than a gf. NC means blocking him on phone, fb, everything.

Dave is right, the best thing you can do hun is go no contact, it may seem daunting and scary that you can't have Amy contact but trust me, it will give you enough time to clear your head and see things a little better. I feel for you I really do and I'm going through a similar thing, and NC scared me at first and I didn't do it and my life has been a he'll of a lot tougher, gonna take my own advice here too lol, will be for the best good luck let us know how you get on

You are in the fog that happens post breakup. Thank god you are broken up now and not later with 2 kids. Think about that.

Consider starting something new, like studying or relocating.

Unfortunately what you see is what you get. He was using you for convenience, car service, sex, credit, easy rent, maid service, etc.

Sorry you over-invested and overcompensated but it's best to cut your losses. Did he move out? Are you still supporting and mothering/enabling him?

Is hookup sex really worth continuing with this proven loser? spoke to him poorly/like a child and our compatibility and communication was just failing. he'd get faced drunk with his friend like that was his only hobby outside of us.

the love he has for me is not equal to the love I have for him and we both acknowledge it.

Why did you tell a broke person to get a credit card? Credit is a joke and does not mean you are a responsible adult. It actually means the opposite. All it shows is that you owe money and are capable of being a good little slave to the lender.

Stop living on credit! Don't finance furniture, go to a thrift store. If you don't have cash for something you can't get it. You let this guy drag you into debt for what? And now you're suggesting he do the same?

Anyway stop talking to and seeing this guy, clean up your own debts and learn from this situation.

He has had addiction issues with drinking, mostly all of the car legal troubles were due to drinking. Part of me does feel he will never change. How long should I go NC for, 30 days, 90 days? What happens after that? What if he does change?

Yes recently, we both acknowledged that we were both using each other for convenience. When we moved in together I took up a less paying job so that I could take more school classes, he was the only one paying rent for about 4-5 months and it was really hard for him. I perhaps took advantage of the situation to take care of my needs. It could be vice versa. It's just a crappy situation.

He did move out about a week or so after we broke up.

Yeah he has had addiction issues with drinking, mostly all of the car legal troubles were due to drinking. Part of me does feel he will never change. How long should I go NC for, 30 days, 90 days? What happens after that? What if he does change?

I think 90 days is a good starting point. In three months of being away from someone, you can think about things more clearly. 30 days in is just going to be peak missing them phase, in most cases. What do you do after that? You see how you feel/where you are. It won't be remotely where you are right now.

He has motivation for only a second now because you broke up with him, that will go away after a while. Sounds like you are not compatible in general, which means it probably won't work in the long-run. If you got back together, you'll have a honeymoon phase again where things seem great until you run into all of the same problems you have now, the only difference is that at that point you'd have wasted more time on him than you would have if you left now. People like to trick themselves into believing that love is enough of a reason to stay with someone, the truth is that it's not. Love is only the beginning, a working relationship requires much more than just love. It requires mutual effort, trust, respect and support while still maintaining individual friendships and hobbies. This is not what you have with this guy. All you have is love, which sounds nice but as you have experienced, is not all that it's made out to be.

Good he moved out. It just wasn't working out. He won't change unless he get AA treatment and is sober quite a while. He may come back with a bunch of promises etc.

But you you are seeing is not a one on incident of getting drunk/having serious legal consequences...you are seeing a pervasive pattern of irresponsibility in several life areas.

He did move out about a week or so after we broke up. Part of me does feel he will never change. What if he does change?

I've decided to go without contacting him for 3 months. We discussed it today and he said he would honor it and not contact me. He also said he would quit drinking today and that I could drug test him in 4 weeks....but I won't be contacting him anytime soon to validate that. He really is a great guy and he loves me deeply and seems to be willing to do anything for me or US to work. But seems like it's all going to take time and action to really see if what his words say truly match his actions. I'll see where I'm at in 3 months and re-evaluate.

Good you decided to go no contact. Don't get involved in patrolling him, that is classic cat and mouse enabler/addict behavior. Let him go to rehab for that. His promises sound empty and only to drag you back in since you enabled him so much.

Use this time to get some help for yourself . Go to Al-Anon meetings to understand your enabling behaviors.

I've decided to go without contacting him for 3 months. He also said he would quit drinking today and that I could drug test him in 4 weeks

Hope everything works out in your favor! Whatever that may look like

Good you decided to go no contact. Don't get involved in patrolling him, that is classic cat and mouse enabler/addict behavior. Let him go to rehab for that. His promises sound empty and only to drag you back in since you enabled him so much.

 

Use this time to get some help for yourself . Go to Al-Anon meetings to understand your enabling behaviors.

Thank you, I have never heard of the term. It makes sense. I'm looking forward to doing some soul-searching.