Accused of cheating (and worse) yet again; wife ends up in hospital

Hi all. This is my first time posting to a forum like this, but probably long overdue. It's a bit on the long side, but the details are pretty relevant; I'd appreciate anyone who might have some advice.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and have two wonderful sons, 6 & 8. Recently, my wife started accusing me of cheating on her, and that's just the tip of the iceberg as far as her accusations. She told me I'm a sex addict (in front of our 8 year old son), and insists that I'm hiring prostitutes, going to strip clubs, and conducting a 'double life'.

Whenever I try to talk to her about it, or get specifics about what is causing all of this, she says that unless I'm confessing to 'what she KNOWS has been going on for years', then she can't talk to me. It's been pulling teeth to get any details about what she thinks is going on. There has been reference to hiding money (she has taken the keys to the mailbox to regulate my paychecks), having sex with hookers, frequenting strip clubs when I say I'm at a client meeting, and more.

We've been down this road before, and have been seeing a couples therapist for a couple of years now. Until now, the issue has always resolved with her promising to be more trusting, and not let her paranoia get the better of her. But things have turned. She had some type of confrontation on the phone with our therapist, and I can't get him to return our calls. She says it's because he gave our appointment time to someone else, but I had scheduled the appt with him three weeks prior, not her.

She went through about 10 days of being very cold and distant with me last month. Knowing that she was feeling insecure, I did my best to reassure her, comfort her, and get through things. I had a bruise on my lower thigh from scraping myself with a rusty nail doing some work on our deck. She convinced herself that it was a hickey. I found this laughable, but still tried to reassure her without making things into a heated and serious conversation about how ridiculous that was.

We both work from home, and spend about 23 hours a day together, so we can't get much closer than we are. But now, even trips to the grocery store have become toxic. I was headed out to get some ice and popsicles for our boys, and she chases me down in the driveway, shouting 'Go ahead, go feed your addiction!' I had taken my son and some of his friends to the Seahawks training camp for about 4 hours one day, and she is convinced that the money I took out of the ATM to spend on them had some horrible, alternate purpose.

What is making matters worse, is after the 10 day spell of suspicion, I was packing up my sons and a couple of their friends to spend 3 days at our cabin before the Summer starts winding down. I'm looking in our closet for socks, and I find in her sock drawer about 15 spent marijuana vapor cartridges. For those that aren't familiar, one cartridge has about 40-80 does on average. And these weren't there about 3 months ago. As I said, we both work from home (she runs a daycare from the house, and I am a graphic designer), and we rarely, if ever, go out socially without each other. So this would mean that she's been smoking ALOT, and around our children, because she is the first to fall asleep in the evenings, usually at 8:00 or so. I can only assume that the pot is making her more paranoid.

I got angry with her, but stayed very calm. I told her that I wasn't going to put up with the accusations if, instead of working on her suspicion and insecurity, she was actively doing things to make it worse. I have no problem with marijuana, but I do have a problem with using it irresponsibly. She said 'yes, you're right. I'm done with it.' The following week was when I was at the cabin with the boys, and while I was gone, she went to the movies with a couple of our friends. One of her friends is a big smoker, and apparently they came back to the house and got so high the friend couldn't drive home, and her husband had to come and get her. That same evening, my wife told her friends (the wives of two of my best friends) whatever stories she believes about what I'm doing on the rare occasion I leave the house. Later that night, my wife was apparently so upset (or high) that she had to call the neighbor to come and sit with her, thinking that she was having a heart attack. When I came back with our sons, the s**t hit the fan, and the very ugly, nasty accusations started, worse than ever.

On Friday, to get out of the toxic environment, I had drinks with some friends I hadn't seen in a long while to celebrate one of their birthdays. The next day, I'm presented with "I know you were at a strip club all night", again in front of our oldest son. Thankfully I have my receipts and Uber times/routes, so I can actually prove where I was. But she's not hearing it.

To top it off, I tried contacting my friends (whose wives were over that night) via email, since I assume their wives had passed along the adulterous slurs. None of them will speak with me now. Two nights ago, my wife comes downstairs, in front of our sons, and says 'you need to take me to the hospital, I'm having a heart attack'. The boys immediately start to cry and shake, as my wife sits on the couch. I get the boys ready to go, and try to collect my wife, but she says 'I'm fine, it's just a panic attack'. Not taking no for an answer, I insist we go to the local clinic to get her checked out. She was VERY insistent that I not even go in the building with her, let alone to see the doctor.

To try and make a long story not so long, I'm at a total loss. I've lost my closest friends, my wife is accusing me of not just cheating, but hiring prostitutes and going to strip clubs, and my children are being terrified as mom is driven to the hospital. She's run background checks on me, taken the mail key and hidden it, and bought a gps tracker for my car. We have an appointment with a new counselor that she went to see while I was out of town, but from what she tells me, she's just giving the same story to the new doctor as she has our friends, so she's already laid the groundwork there.

I hear a lot about how when people accuse someone of cheating, it might be to cover their own infidelities, but I can't really see her doing that. But with the way things have changed, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm at the point where I'm not even sure this relationship is worth TRYING to save, and if it wasn't for my sons, I would have walked long ago. I would love to have my old wife back, even if we still have insecurities and trust to work on, but I don't know if she even exists anymore. She berates me verbally every hour or so, and I'm not allowed to speak.

As I type this, I guess I might be answering my own question, but I would greatly appreciate any advice anyone might have, whether they've been in a similar situation or not. Thanks so much!

I basically stopped reading at the marijuana thing (sorry, it's nearly midnight here and I'm tired )

I'm sure you know that, in high doses, cannabis causes paranoia?

I think you're past the point of being tactful. I would tell her straight up you will not entertain these accusations until she is well off the weed, and explain her paranoia is destroying your relationship. I would even leave (with the boys) if she continues.

She can sue you/chase you/whatever to get them back, but she will lose with that amount of THC in her system.

As I was reading this I was thinking something else is going on here medically.. Then you mentioned marijuana.. I'm not a fan of it like so many people these days seem to defend the use of it. I don't have any statistics to quote all I know is what I see in news reports and documentaries so I'm not coming from a very knowledgeable place when it comes to marijuana but everyone knows there are links between its use and mental health. Is there mental health issues in her family because sometimes it can be hereditary and brought on by the use of drugs. Do you think she could be using anything else.. I'm not sure what else to suggest but if her behaviour doesn't improve I would be worried about the impact it's having on your boys.

It's funny you mention that; one of the details I neglected to mention is that she has a thyroid condition, and that runs in her family (sisters, nieces, and brother). I know that the imbalance can make her cranky or depressed; not sure about paranoia. She's supposed to get her levels checked every few months so they can adjust her medication, but our GP said that she's overdue for her test. I asked her to phone my wife as a reminder, but I'm not sure she did, or if she got the message.

She also had an episode a few years before we met, where she said a group of girls she was on vacation with spiked her drink and 'messed' with her. This ended with my wife calling her mother to fly down to get her, and help her move home. I always took it as a wild story but believed her. Now, I'm not so sure.

And thank you for taking the time at such a late hour. It's about the only time I get with some peace and quiet, and it's helping me feel not-so-out-of-my-mind...

This is a sick, dysfunctional relationship! Your wife sounds like she has mental health issues.

You need to get your kids out of that house and into a safe environment. It is not healthy for them to witness the continuos fights and emotional abuse.

Seek a divorce attorney and stop coddling this woman. You have become a total doormat!!!

I did a lot of weed in my high school years. I never behaved like this. Plus, the paranoia only occurred when I first started using, not after. Maybe, that's me.

Thanks Holly (truly); it helps to hear some tough love. Thankfully the boys have not been subject to witnessing the arguments, as I refuse to interact with her when they are around. The more I roll it over, the more I think that you and LadyRayne are on the nose with the mental health issue. Now I need to figure out how to broach the subject without being labeled the adulterer who is trying to convince his wife she's crazy.

Or I can just pull the band-aid off quickly, and be done with it. As you said, I have my own doormat issue to deal with...

Believe me, the kids are aware of it. Even if they do not hear it, they feel it. This is a terrible environment for you and your kids. Your wife has issues that you are not capable of dealing with.

I would start by speaking to a lawyer.

aww man, i'm really really sorry to read this. it should probably be done yeah. i mean preferably she'd get herself into treatment, but from my experiece, it never happens.

i had a schyzoid ex like that too (thankfully, no children in the picture). and i too was a s!ut and whatnot. i mean i wasn't but there was no way he'd take solid proof as...solid proof. when there was nothing else to go on, he LITERALLY hallucinated some man standing next to me (i was waiting at my work entrance for my bf to pick me up) and flirting and me flirting back. literally hallucinated. it wasn't an isolated incident either, and he developed full-blown ideas of reference about everyone and everything pretty soon, and they were unbelievable, as wild, CRAZY, SICK as they get-- and completely real to him. he's not a schizophreniac btw. seriously acted like one in that acute phase that can apparently be of any given duration. he DID smoke weed like a chimney!!! FOR DECADES, he said (although he denied it for almost a year). chainsmoked BLUNTS from the moment he opened his eyes to the moment he fell asleep. disgusting. i too can tolerate weed-users, although i'm not a fan. but some people have overdone it, fried their effing brains and should just go to never ever touching it again, ever. ever. i think it has to do with their pathological personality structuration or a mental ilness. i've known level headed people who smoke regularly (although to be fair, not CHAIN smoke blunts) and didn't seem to succumb to the paranoia to the extent that they couldn't see their chemically altered reality for the mirage that it is. so i deduct you have to have an important screw out of place in the first place for pot to do this to you. sorry about the offensive language, i take it you're fond of your wife if for no other reason then for simply being your wife, and it sounds very disrespectful to speak of her as whack but i'm afraid affection won't cut it and we may just call this tool a tool i agree this is so harmful for your kids too.

i didn't honestly feel like there was anything smart about staying. i suppose you're hopeful for a change because there's children, but man is this going to give them issues.

this is slimy, and i wouldn't ever recommend it otherwise...but.. you're communicating with her gp? actually i did that for my stoner ex too, because he had no handle on life. when he needed a check up, he didn't even know who his gp was, and i rang every doc's office in the whole effing town with his info until we found one who said yup that's my patient. maybe i would've done him a favor if i attempted what has just crossed my mind---sooo, i'm thinking, elegantly and very decently tell the gp you have been going to counseling with her because of her paranoia and that it has worsened and that you have found her stash. and that you don't know whether it's right to be forwarding this information or whether you can expect the gp to act on third party info, but that you thought maybe s/he could get her to talk about it and somehow cajole her into getting help. they might tell you they don't act on complaints by proxy, but that doesn't necessarily mean they won't try to find out or even test her when she drops by next time for her thyroid check up.

on the thyroid issue, i have hashi's, among other things, and physiological depression and anxiety is very real, i swear, especially if you already have a mental problem that it worsens. but paranoia this bad? and communicated so offensively?! much pot and a sheety mental/character problem is the usual and obvious culprit.

sorry if i missed it, it's the wee hours here- how long has this been going on? if it's been months, i might try for treatment of some kind more. it it's been years, i'd probably give up and call it quits, if for no other reason then to spare the kids this madness.

it's not just that her mind went cookoo. that i might seek solutions for. it's that she behaves abusively. that isn't something you negotiate on, beg, compromise, hope, excuse, rationalize, endure. when it's a woman posting with something like that, dump this violent abusive jerk is a recurrent response. so no less appropriate in this case methinks.

oh, not just a lawyer. get a social worker like yesterday.

Thanks Holly. I have an attorney lined up for next week. She (my wife) is not an American citizen, so the ins-and-outs of the procedure are bound to be tricky, but hopefully it will go a little ways to helping me get full custody of the boys. I can't stomach them having to deal with this paranoia and delusional disorder as they get older. Puberty will be treacherous enough without being forced to defend themselves from this madness...

RainyCoast, thanks. I too know quite a few people who smoke with very little obvious ill effects. But I know just as many, or more, who just aren't wired correctly for it. Same with alcohol (which she has used as an excuse for her actions many times). And don't apologize for the 'offensive language'. I'm new here, and not up on the rules for language, but normally there would be a lot more #$%& in my writing.

As for the GP, she is our family doctor, and I see her as well. In fact I have to see her for my physical next week, so letting her know that I think something is more than a bit chemically/biologically off is probably not out of line. I can at least suggest it, and leave it in her hands. When we took her in for the 'heart attack', I did pull the nurse aside and request a toxicity screen, and to talk with the doctor privately concerning what was going on. I'm on her medical release contact form, so it's allowed, but unfortunately I saw neither doctor nor tox screen.

On a side note, this forum has been such a blessing and a great motivator to get this crap out of our lives.

okay, that's good. if you also get a social worker on board (you could also request to speak to the hospital social worker if you're admitted for another "heart-attack") it should help that suspected substance abuse has been noted by a doctor. update us? fingers crossed!

She runs a daycare centre? So she is putting other people's children's lives in danger too ?

Dear Anton,

It is very late and I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow, but I cannot help responding to this post.

These are the salient points:

1, Your wife is mentally ill and is self-medicating with the marijuana. (Does she also drink heavily?) The paranoia is part of the illness; the marijuana may be exacerbating the paranoia, but in her case, I don't believe the marijuana is the primary cause of her paranoia. (I am not a pro-marijuana person, but I have some significant people in my life who use it and aren't paranoid; whereas my ex, with bipolar and no marijuana, has the worst paranoia I have ever seen.)

2. You need to take your boys and go live with some relative, ASAP! Staying together for their sake is NOT better for the boys. Do "walk," but take them with you. The boys need a healthy, stable home with a healthy parent, and she is not the one, my friend. You all three need a break from her, and she needs to see that her treatment of you is already costing her her family. The advantage of living with a relative or friend is that those adults can serve as eyewitnesses to your morally good behavior (i.e. no strip clubs or prostitutes, no other women) so that when you end up in court (you may think that would never happen, but I am sad to say that she will almost certainly try to haul you into court for infidelity, even if she doesn't have much of a case), you will have character witnesses ready to take the stand for you. These witnesses are CRUCIAL to your defense. I cannot overstress this.

3. Though this will have an impact on the income for your boys, she has absolutely no business running a daycare at this point in her life, and I would report her behavior to the licensing board that governs her childcare business. When my kids were very young and I was newly separated from my ex, I owned and ran my own daycare in my home, and I know I would have had no clients if I had done even a tenth of what she is doing. The children in her care are not safe when she is this emotionally out of control.

4. Stop going to couple's therapy for now, because until her brain is free of substances, including alcohol and street/prescription drugs, she will not be able to apply what the therapists are telling her to do in a couple's therapy setting. Start, or continue, to go to individual therapy.

Keep writing here to vent, keep reading the advice people give you, and be encouraged, because your life will get better once you get distance from her.

I am very sorry that the wife you fell in love with has grown into someone different.

You are in charge of taking care those kiddos!

Youareworthy

She runs a daycare centre? So she is putting other people's children's lives in danger too ?

good catch!! OP, sounds like you have solid, practical leverage aplenty here. sum up the courage and act. you are equipped to do so.

The advantage of living with a relative or friend is that those adults can serve as eyewitnesses to your morally good behavior (i.e. no strip clubs or prostitutes, no other women) so that when you end up in court (you may think that would never happen, but I am sad to say that she will almost certainly try to haul you into court for infidelity, even if she doesn't have much of a case), you will have character witnesses ready to take the stand for you. These witnesses are CRUCIAL to your defense. I cannot overstress this.

Thanks Holly (truly); it helps to hear some tough love. Thankfully the boys have not been subject to witnessing the arguments, as I refuse to interact with her when they are around. The more I roll it over, the more I think that you and LadyRayne are on the nose with the mental health issue. Now I need to figure out how to broach the subject without being labeled the adulterer who is trying to convince his wife she's crazy.

 

Or I can just pull the band-aid off quickly, and be done with it. As you said, I have my own doormat issue to deal with...

I can't help but respond to this post. It breaks my heart to hear that your boys are witnessing all this. I really don't think MJ causes someone to act that irrational. Are you sure there isn't anything else she is doing? I mean it causes paranoia but not to this level.

I remember before I found out I had PTSD, I was sort of acting irrational in that way (sorry, but not as bad) I remember I was very irritated, everything bugged the heck out of me and was always making up random adultery stories as well.

After years of therapy and getting some serious help, I was able to see things differently. Your wife has some kind of underlying issues.

Yes, I agree with Holly, you are turning into a doormat. How could you tolerate her trapping you like a prisoner? If you don't want to get out for yourself, you really need to do it for your kids. It is not good to feed into her behavior as well. You need to step it up and tell her you will not tolerate it. That's what my husband did and how I realized it and got help.

At the time, we were just engaged to be married and he did some serious tough love on me. Trust me, it wasn't easy but because of that, I was able to recognize my behavior and went to seek help. You can't just let her do and say whatever she wants and think it's going to be okay. It is not and you have to be tough. If she's fighting and screaming, let her. Tell her, once and for all, the next time she pulls this, you are out! Really just leave. This is beyond toxic. My only advice to you as someone whom had issues in the past, you need to be tough and she HAS to want to get help for herself. The only way she will realized it is you let her know. You have to fight back and stay strong. Do it for you boys, they are innocent! Not to mention other peoples kids that she is taking care of at her daycare.

I have thyroid disease, and it does NOT cause one to make false accusations of cheating or going to strip clubs or using prostitutes!

And you said she accuses you in front of your oldest son, so yes, your child has witnessed this.

Please file for divorce and full custody, ASAP.

Holy crap, she said right out loud about having a heart attack and got your boys scared and upset and then said it was only a panic attack?? Get them away from her, please.

She is going to cause irreparable mental damage to them. Your wife sounds as though she'd be fine to have short visits with them, not not living with them.

I heard everything you said about all the rest of it...but my first and foremost thoughts are on the children..they need to go away from this and until she get's proper help...they shouldn't be around her. This is more than toxic!

Wow buddy I'm sorry to hear all this. It's what I've been dealing with for 4 years I can relate. I was online dating this beautiful woman contacted me. She was a PhD psychologist one of the most brilliant people I know. I was hesitant to go on a date what did I have to offer? I'm not a slouch but it was a bit much. Well it was instant attraction after a year I moved into her house. Giving up my apartment. 2.5 years I asked her to marry me. She wanted marrage too. I never had to deal with jeliousy so I missed so many red flags. Plus I knew I didn't do anything. Months after the engagment it all went really bad. I was accused of everything even stealing and using this woman for her stuff. Please I make my own way. She never gave me anything I payed rent. I fixed up her house. Just something to remember people lie money doesnt. Prostitues cost money so I've heard. Plus you have to contact them. I gave her access to all my financials email social and telephone accounts. None of it made things right. She even told me I had secret $. I asked her where do I keep this $. She said in my car. My car is a jeep it has no damn doors. I couldn't go to an atm or have cash on me for years. She made me get an STD test when we first got together. This was fine. When this all started years later I got another. Obviously the same result. She asked for a 3rd I refused. We would text if I didn't text within an hr then I was with a prostitute. She made me use condoms now I think about it was a godsend. I used to groom my neither region she said don't cause I do that cause I'm seeing woman. There was so many insaine things I can't even write them down. Eventually I had to leave I'd always go back though. Massive guilt trip u leave you don't love me. Stuff was brought up infront of her friends and they looked at her like she was crazy made me feel better. I begged to go see a dr she refused hell she is one makes you think haha. One time out to diner I begged her to stop. I begged her to let me leave. The resentment was so strong I broke I really absolutely did. I made a scene stating out loud the things I was being accused of. I feel so horrible about that. She would joke to me she wants to kill me. I left weeks at a time. Always in contact though towrds the end. She so believed I was cheating on her that she started to do it to me. That I couldn't deal with that's the deal breaker. I saved up $$ and am closing this month there was no contact till yesterday. I wouldn't contact her. Crying hysterical that she has a medical issue. Not the case it's something minor.

It will not get better your story brought that home to me . You have children you have to do what's right and get them out of there. My fear was to hsve a kid and her to treat them like me. She stated id be a hortable father and if the kid had any medical issue it would have been my fault. You tried your best I know I did. I don't even know if what they have can be cured. I know it can be surpressed. Mine said she found out an ex was cheating on her. I don't even believe it now. She said another left cause of her anger, that i do believe. I know it's hard cause you cannot convince your wife what she believes is false and that kills you. I know you probably had great times. Be strong

I know I'm late to the game - weed is known for exacerbating paranoia in those with pre existing conditions. It on its own can make you a bit paranoid, but it's more pronounced with underlying conditions.

She needs to stop that, especially at high doses.

Side note - I live in Colorado where it's legal. In the first month or so of it being legal, there were no rules on edibles being dosed a certain way or even giving instructions how to eat it. well apparently, things like 1/4 of a cookie was a full dose and these first timers were eating 2 or 3 cookies. I believe there were a few fatalities (people panicking and jumping off balconies mostly) those first few months and numerous hospital admissions for intense paranoia.

By your own account, she's dosing many multiple times a day. Not to mention, that's a bit expensive...

It's surprising that her physicians and two therapists haven't noticed a paranoid disorder or personality/mood disorder or substance abuse. When did all this begin? Is she otherwise a competent mother? Besides accusing you of infidelities what other delusions does she have?

She told me I'm a sex addict and insists that I'm hiring prostitutes, going to strip clubs, and conducting a 'double life'. There has been reference to hiding money (she has taken the keys to the mailbox to regulate my paychecks), having sex with hookers, frequenting strip clubs when I say I'm at a client meeting, and more.

Hey all, thanks so much for all the support. It's really helping me see things outside of my own view. Spent the morning with a therapist on my own to talk things out, and sound things off. Today has been a struggle to say the least. She is giddy almost to the point of manic around the house with the kids (singing "Let It Go" and "I Can See Clearly Now" at the top of her lungs), jumping on the trampoline, etc. Then in bed with all the lights off. Chased me out to my car this morning as I was going to the store, yelling "you have an addiction, you need help" and almost getting herself run over as I left.

I hear what you are saying about leaving. Unfortunately, my options are pretty much nil. The only close friends I had will not return my calls now (not as close of friends as I thought), and my only relative in the US was my mother, who passed about 5 years ago. My father, step-mother and sisters live in South Africa. The only feasible option I have is our small cabin about 3 hours from here, and we know no one in that area; would it be seen as kidnapping? I'm not sure how to go about it, as their safety is primary, and just putting them in the car and driving away seems like the Amber alerts I see on the news every week. But after today, it might have to be done.

We have a meeting with her 'new' therapist tonight, but from what I can tell, she searched for people who deal with 'sex addiction', explained her side of the story, and was told 'yes, make an appointment, you're suffering from PTSD from what he's putting you through'. So this should be interesting to say the least. It's at 9:00 PST tonight (no idea why so late); I'm half expecting it to be an intervention with anyone I know telling me how much they care about me and want me to get well... I'll absolutely post here directly after, unless I'm being carted away in a chastity belt...

It's still unclear why she hasn't been properly examined by a psychiatrist rather than talk therapists.

She is giddy almost to the point of manic.We have a meeting with her 'new' therapist tonight

So here's a very pointed question: how do I get the kids away? I would assume that as of now it is a 'he said/she said' issue, and just up and taking them would be seen as some form of kidnapping? Or am I off here? We live in Washington State, the Seattle area, if that makes any difference to what someone might know. I'm hoping that tonight I can stand up and assert that this is beyond the pale, and that I feel she is a danger not only to herself, but her children. As a previous poster said, state once and for all that if this happens again, then LEAVE. But I'm mortified to leave without my boys. I truly do not know what she has become.

Not sure how to get her to one (a psychiatrist), or how to get one involved. Suggestions?

You can't you are not separated and there is no proof she is an unfit mother. Why is that your goal here?

how do I get the kids away?