My bf sexual past bothers me

I am new to this site and need help. I have been with my bf for about 2 years now. He is kind, loving, caring and all around a great person. We have been talking about getting married and starting a family, however, a couple of months ago he revealed to me that he slept with a prostitute in the past. I was utterly disgusted and shock. We have had many conversation about the exploitation of women and he loves to tell people he is a feminist. I can't believe he would do something like that. Since that time he has also told me about a threesome he was in and several "sex buddies" he has had. He finds nothing wrong with what he did and says he does not regret anything he has done. Often times I can look past what he did, but this past weekend he revealed that he performed what I feel to be a heartless and digusting act during his threesome. I now have this imagine of him using women for his gratification and find myself angry and disgusted by him. I also feel he is a hypocrite. My past is not perfect but I never used someone. He feels he has done nothing wrong and that all parties consented to everything. I don't want to keep bringing up what he did to him, and I feel like whenever I try to talk to him, he reveals something else he has done that makes the situation worse. I don't want to leave him or hurt him by telling him I find what he did disgusting and deplorable , but I need to release this anger and frustration somehow. I wish could just forget what he told me. Anyone have helpful techniques or strategies that can help. Please understand that I know I am not being PC, but I don't want to feel this way about the person I love.

Are you willing to tell us what that "heartless and disgusting act" was? I only ask as I'm trying to gauge if it was something genuinely horrific or something you don't agree with. Regardless, whatever sexual acts he has committed appear to have been with consent from all parties involved. If that is true, then all that needs to change is your perception of things.

To put it simply; the past is the past, and he can't change it. You either need to accept it and put it behind you (maybe with the help of counselling?), or leave him as it will continue to eat you up inside.

Tell him, 'thank you for being honest about your past, but spare me the details'. Do you think he is testing you out to see how you respond? Or showing you the writing on the wall?

What is the disgusting act? was anyone harmed?

he revealed to me that he slept with a prostitute in the past. also told me about a threesome he was in and several "sex buddies" he has had.

He didn't use anyone. They were consenting adults - including the prostitute.

In fact, some prostitutes love their line of work. I've spoken with a few in Amsterdam that genuinely love it. I imagine most sex workers at least like it a bit, so I would be insistent he didn't use them.

If the fact that his penis has been inside a prostitute bothers you, how is it different from any other girl? Especially since you been having sex for maybe as long as 2 years. No stds, what's the problem?

And the disgusting act in the threesome... Why does it bother you if he isn't pushing you to do it?

If nothing in the PRESENT or throughout YOUR relationship is a dealbreaker, I would say you're taking a big risk leaving this guy for someone else.

Seems like you are just finding out rather late in the game that he is not quite who he made out to be, extremely bad, and that his value system is seriously different from your own, actual deal breaker.

What he did and with who is really a red herring. The misrepresentation of who he is and what his values actually are is a serious problem and something that would make me take a huge step back from the relationship. Turns out that you don't really know him all that well and trying to sweep that under the rug and justify the deception would be a mistake on your part.

Are you willing to tell us what that "heartless and disgusting act" was? I only ask as I'm trying to gauge if it was something genuinely horrific or something you don't agree with. Regardless, whatever sexual acts he has committed appear to have been with consent from all parties involved. If that is true, then all that needs to change is your perception of things.

 

To put it simply; the past is the past, and he can't change it. You either need to accept it and put it behind you (maybe with the help of counselling?), or leave him as it will continue to eat you up inside.

The act that I find so upseting is called running a train ( where guys take turns having sex with a women one after the other). I find this heartless and disgusting. It bothers me so much because I feels it devalues a women and objectifies them.

He didn't use anyone. They were consenting adults - including the prostitute.

 

In fact, some prostitutes love their line of work. I've spoken with a few in Amsterdam that genuinely love it. I imagine most sex workers at least like it a bit, so I would be insistent he didn't use them.

 

If the fact that his penis has been inside a prostitute bothers you, how is it different from any other girl? Especially since you been having sex for maybe as long as 2 years. No stds, what's the problem?

 

And the disgusting act in the threesome... Why does it bother you if he isn't pushing you to do it?

 

If nothing in the PRESENT or throughout YOUR relationship is a dealbreaker, I would say you're taking a big risk leaving this guy for someone else.

I don't want to leave him. I love him very much. I just want ways to not think about what he did.

My guy has had a sexual past that far outweighs anything I have experienced. I won't go into details but as he said "Been there, done that, and have no desire to have that in my life anymore." Yeah, he has said a few things that I find a bit hypocritical but all those things happened before me and I knew of some before we got together. Quite frankly I know my guy loves me and is committed to me and our relationship. What happened before us......doesn't matter. If he is with you and only you and the relationship is a good one why does his past matter?

It's important to note how long ago this was? Years? Just before you met? Was it a frat house/ bachelor party thing or a frequent thing he sought out? Tell him this turns you off.

I don't want to leave him. I love him very much. I just want ways to not think about what he did.

It was years ago. He says it was something he did because he thought all men did it. He has grown since than. I think what gets me is that he just mentioned this one day while we were watching TV as if it was nothing.

My guy has had a sexual past that far outweighs anything I have experienced. I won't go into details but as he said "Been there, done that, and have no desire to have that in my life anymore." Yeah, he has said a few things that I find a bit hypocritical but all those things happened before me and I knew of some before we got together. Quite frankly I know my guy loves me and is committed to me and our relationship. What happened before us......doesn't matter. If he is with you and only you and the relationship is a good one why does his past matter?

I don't know why his past upsets me so much. I have talked to past exes about there past and it never bothered me. Part of is I love never been in such a serious relationship where I can see a future with someone. I have never loved someone like this before.

It was years ago. He says it was something he did because he thought all men did it. He has grown since than. I think what gets me is that he just mentioned this one day while we were watching TV as if it was nothing.

Why not ask him why he suddenly felt the need to share that with you. I mean that's really inappropriate TMI and I'm sorry but he thought all men did it.....lmao....

He brought it up because it's on his mind. The million dollar question is why.....

Where you watching Animal House, by chance?

It was years ago. He says it was something he did because he thought all men did it. He has grown since than. I think what gets me is that he just mentioned this one day while we were watching TV as if it was nothing.

Where you watching Animal House, by chance?

No we were watching the big bag theory

Why not ask him why he suddenly felt the need to share that with you. I mean that's really inappropriate TMI and I'm sorry but he thought all men did it.....lmao....

He brought it up because it's on his mind. The million dollar question is why.....

I agree with this.

Why would he just blurt it out? Is he trying to gauge your interest level as he wants to relive some of this past fun?

I can understand having issues with the prostitute. As much as we all want to believe in the 'happy hooker' ideal, there are many many sex workers out there who are not there by choice and who are just trying to survive. These women are routinely abused and the realities they face can be pretty horrific.

It's possible though that your boyfriend truly doesn't understand or didn't understand that when he slept with her. The thing is that you cannot change what he did in the past, but you can learn from it. Is he willing to listen to you and understand how this knowledge makes you feel and why it's problematic? I don't mean from a place of jealousy but truly try to get him to understand the life of a sex worker?

As for the threesome, I can understand your feeling on it, believe me. Was everyone sober and consenting at the time? If that is the case, it's really not something you have a leg to stand on in the morality department. If there was enthusiastic consent from all parties then chalk it up to a kinky aspect of his past that you would not engage in and move on.

If they got her drunk/pressured her, etc. then it's problematic. Up to you if you want to probe for details but I might let sleeping dogs lie so to speak.

Again, you can't change his past. Is this a hill you are willing to die on?

When it comes to sexual histories, I find "don't ask, don't tell," to be prudent. I truly don't see what good can come from it.

When it comes to sexual histories, I find "don't ask, don't tell," to be prudent. I truly don't see what good can come from it.

To each their own. I do find that a person's approach to sex says a lot about their values and that might be something people care about.

To be clear, I'm not saying that if you have a lot of sex you have bad values or that if you have no sex you have good values, just that you can better gauge the type of person you are dating if you know about their past.

If you are someone who believes that casual sex is perfectly acceptable, then you might find yourself at odds with a partner who is waiting for marriage for example. I don't think that people need to get into the nitty gritty details, but I want to know where my partner has been.

(and even then I would still say everyone should get tested for STDs)

if you Are just asking for ways to get the visual out of your head, which you are according to post #7 then why not do the mental work you need to do to stop judging him?

What he did was in the past and if he's not given you any indication that he's still wanting to be that guy, and you don't want to leave him over it then you need to consciously change the subject each and every time it pops into your head.

Staying with him is your choice and I wouldn't try to talk you out of that but I will give you some relationship advice. If you're going to stay then lose the judgement. If you can't do that, then leave now and don't drag this out any longer then the minute you know you can't stop judging him.

Either you have a boundary about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour to you that you don't let people cross or you don't really have one at all and your indignation means squat. Only you can tell you which one it is.

I had dated a girl who made a porn, I could never touch her again. But the difference between your situation and mine was that this girl made the porn while we were dating. So it was an easy decision to break it off with her.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. One one side you are on your Cloud of Judgement looking down at your current boyfriends for what he has done in the past prior to meeting you. This is no indication what he will do, just what he has done. How would you like if your BF got mad at you because of the sexual acts you have done prior to meeting you? They might not be in the same category but you are no virgin. On the other side of that coin the images of your BF what he has done can hurt, bruise or destroy any future sex with him. I know I could never touch my X when I found out she made a porn. No sense in dating her if Ill never touch her.

Go see a therapist who specializes in relationships and couples. If you cant put your BF past behind you, you wont be able to move forward with him.

The things my wife did before we met put me to shame completely but it is her past and its not who she is today

You are talking about things he did 2 years ago, people do change

Honesty. It's eating you up, so talk to him and get it off your chest. If you don't feel any better afterwards and its a deal breaker - walk away.