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Having an "existential crisis"


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Some educational and career background about me:

 

I'm 31 years old and weirdly when I was only thirteen, I decided that I wanted to have some kind of "counsellor" or "social worker" job. In grade 11 and 12 I studied psychology for that reason and I really enjoyed it. After I finished school, I briefly did a social science degree, which I didn't like. So I took a year off and then later started a Bachelor of Arts with a psychology major degree. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I've recently been told by a psychiatrist after a lengthy assessment that I probably have ADHD. My whole life I hugely struggled with concentration, reading and being very messy and disorganised. Studying the BA degree was really hard for me and I was failing a lot because I just couldn't bring myself to do the work, even though I'm actually very intelligent. I took a few breaks from the degree and did it part-time at times, so I've actually only just finished it. This is eleven years later, to finish just a three year undergraduate degree. However, during some of the times that I took a break from the degree, I actually ended up getting three TAFE (community college) qualifications. I got a qualification in business administration, mental health, and disability.

 

Throughout my late teens and most of my 20's, I worked in retail. But back in 2013, when I got my Certificate 4 in Mental Health, I started volunteering to help me get paid work. I volunteered with a church programme for people with mental health issues and disabilities, and also volunteered in an arts and crafts class for intellectually disabled adults with a charity organisation. Additionally I also very briefly volunteered as a visitor to a 90-year-old lonely lady in a nursing home. I got good references from these volunteer roles, which helped me get a mental health support worker job in 2014. I enjoyed my mental health job, but looking back on it I was surprised that I didn't love it as much as I thought I would, considering my mental health and psychology studies. After six months in the job, the organisation closed down, so I was made redundant.

 

In 2015 I thought about the fact that I really loved working with intellectually disabled people in my art class role, so I decided to study disability. While I was doing my Diploma of Disability, it was compulsory to also work in the disability field to pass the course. So I got a job with a disability agency and worked on a casual basis. I loved that job, but unfortunately there was not much work and the pay was very low, due to being an agency. After I finished the diploma, I also got a second job working at a university. The role was taking notes in classes and supporting students who have disabilities and mental health issues. I was really enjoying the university job as well.

 

I'd been at the disability agency for a year and a half. When I got my diploma, I decided that I deserved a better job, with permanent hours and higher pay. This is where I made a really big mistake though. I'd accidentally applied for a job online that was listed as "disability and aged care". I got invited to a job interview and it was only as I accepted the invitation to the interview, I realised the job was actually working with elderly people only. I didn't think I'd get it after the interview because I actually had no direct qualifications or experience in that field basically at all. To my surprise, I was offered the job. I was actually very unsure whether to take it because I kind of knew that I didn't feel much passion or interest for working in aged care. I knew that my main interest was now probably in disability, but some in mental health as well. The organisation offering me the job though was a huge not-for-profit health organisation and the salary was quite good. So I accepted the job thinking that maybe I wouldn't mind it too much and that I could apply for something else within the company later, or at least get a good reference for another job.

 

None of that happened at all and working at that job turned out to be a complete disaster. I was only there for two months. I was really not enjoying it from the start and found it very difficult to relate to people who were all basically in their 70's, 80's, and some in their 90's. I didn't have much experience with it and especially with working with people with severe dementia, which most of the clients had. A lot of the work I did was one-on-one looking after people with bad dementia in the community. A couple of times people ran away from me and almost got hit by a car, and one person jumped into a taxi. I was so stressed that I also had a small car accident when I was driving the work car. My boss said I was handling things wrong and she was angry at me. I said I wanted to resign, as I thought that would be best for everyone. But we made an agreement that I'd keep working until they found a replacement. But then I got into more trouble and one lady with dementia accused me of something I didn't even do because she had delusions. My boss was really angry and she actually told me just to pack up all my stuff and leave. We didn't end on a good note and I didn't feel much closure because I was accused of things I didn't even do!

 

Anyway, so I only haven't been working for a few days now and I'm already going completely crazy and am very bored staying at home. I live completely alone too and have nobody for company at all, and I'm single. The reason I guess why I'm writing this post is that I'm feeling really lost and my confidence is extremely low right now. I feel like I really failed at the aged care job. I keep trying to tell myself it's understandable that I didn't do well there because I wasn't enjoying it and didn't have much experience in it...I just wasn't good at that particular job.

 

Looking back on my life, I just feel like I've constantly kept moving from job to job. The longest I'd ever been in a job was three years. Although believe it or not, I'd never actually been fired, I always quit myself or was made redundant. I think possibly the ADHD often makes me feel bored and I need a lot of different things happening in a job all the time and a lot of mental and visual stimulation. Now I'm really feeling though that I really need to be careful what job I get next. At the age of 31, I want to build some kind of career and stay in a job for at least a few years. I've been looking up jobs online, but I feel really terrified to even apply, I'm so anxious. I'm so worried that I'll apply for the wrong job again and I'll get fired or will quit again because I'm not doing well and/or I don't like it. What makes it worse is that now I'm not even completely sure what I want to do....I just finished my degree and got my paper for it and I didn't even feel happy. I felt relieved because I finally finished it and my parents had been immensely pressuring me to have a degree. But I think I lost interest in the degree itself a long time ago and that's probably why I wasn't putting much effort into it as well....

 

I've actually also been this year volunteering as an advocate for an intellectually disabled lady, so I've been thinking that I could be a disability advocate or a case manager. Also I think my dream job would be a disability liaison officer. That's a person who works at a university or college and organises all the extra supports for students with disabilities, mental health or physical health issues. I keep looking for liaison officer jobs, but there is nothing advertised. I saw an actual youth disability advocate job, but it has a huge legal component and not as much of a social support component, which I don't have experience in. I also saw a mental health support worker job; plus a co-ordinator for events and for volunteers for a GLBTI youth service (I'm bisexual myself). I feel like I should apply for all these three jobs, but for some reason there is something holding me back...I don't know if it's fear of failure, or that I don't feel like any of these would actually be my "dream job"? Or both? It's SO strange, after getting all those social welfare qualifications, all the volunteering, and all the jobs, I now feel like I actually have no idea what exactly it is that I actually want to do. I feel like I've done so many things and I guess I liked most of them, but I can't think of just one type of job that I think I would LOVE.

 

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation at all? Do you have any advice or comments for me whatsoever? lol

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Just want to chip in and say I have massively failed at some jobs. I think, my heart wasn't in them and on a subconscious level I didn't bring my best (despite wanting to on an intellectual level). Aged care was not the job for you and it's ok to try things and realise they aren't a good fit.

 

Even though the end hurt your pride, you are free now and this is for the best. Time to try the next thing

 

Also, well done on finishing your degree!!

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Thanks so much 1a1a, I really appreciate that I really do feel like I should just "go for it" and try something new, but I feel so nervous....Actually I'm normally a very outgoing and confident person and I do live my life by the philosophy "I'll try anything once". Normally it helped me to "just go for it" and achieve things, but in the case of this aged care job, trying it was a total fail. Ha ha ha But on the other hand it's also good to know what I DON'T want to do lol

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I'd stop calling it a fail and start accepting it as a really bad fit that just wasn't for you and now that you are out of it, you are free to find a better fit. Just breathe and do a bit more due diligence before saying yes to a job. By due diligence I mean better understanding of what the job entails and if you need training, make sure that you get it.

 

It also sounds a bit like that company just sent you out to sink or swim and that's wrong. You should have been going initially with someone who is well experienced and can give you some practical training on how to handle those types of situations and what you should and shouldn't do. A degree doesn't give you practical training, so when you are starting out, check that the company doesn't just throw you out there without a clue and actually will provide training and support initially.

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