Long-Distance Reconciliation with a Fearful-Avoidant

Hi,

I just realized that I'm Anxious-preoccupied. I hope it's not too late to change for better and make this relationship work again.

My Fearful/Dismissive-Avoidant boyfriend of 10 months (we met online) went back home to the other side of the country (couldn’t get a job here so he had to go back home to take over his father’s business) and broke up with me after his 2-week drive home.

He moved here from another state and hoped to find better opportunities here. He was doing a degree online on top of his Masters and just until a month ago he was still looking for a part time job here. I live at home with my parents and he has his own apartment. I have work and it wouldn't be convenient to live with him. But I spent almost all my days off at his place and we would always wanted to hang out with each other. We always hung out with each other during our free time. We never really have any serious fights. There were no signs of any problems.

A month ago he went back home for a weekend and came back telling me he's moving back home and we have to break up. He said he has to leave for his future. I was shocked. His father wants him to help him with his business as he's retiring soon. As I said, he was still looking for a part time job here right before he visited home. It wasn't planned. He planned to stay here and he never planned to leave. If he had stayed, we'd probably still be dating. He doesn't want to do long distance and he doesn't want me to move with him. And he said that relationship can’t survive anyway. (He’s had s relationships before dating me and all of them ended when 1 partner has to leave. I know he wants to be loved, but he doesn’t seem to have faith in relationships.) I refused, so we kept dating for another month. I told him how much I love him and how much he means to me and he's irreplaceable. Then he said he felt undeserving of my love. I even helped him pack and move. Everything seemed fine and he even visited me the day before he left and we kissed and cuddled and still were together. Then he drove back home. When he broke up with me over the phone 2 weeks later, he told me that he has been thinking about breaking up ever since he decided to move back home. He told me he cried (didn’t let me know) because he’s sad that this relationship didn’t work out.

During his 2-week drive home, we barely talked and I was anxious and became extremely needy. He broke up with me once 3 days prior to the official breakup and the trigger was me yelling at him over the phone for not making time to talk. I texted him a lot for not making time to talk on the day of official breakup. He didn't really respond (often ignored) to my texts and later just called me and broke up with me over the phone that night. He said he likes me but in the long run it's better for us to break up now since he can't live with me (said I'm overbearing & controlling) and there's no point keep dating if we can't eventually live together.

I asked to be friends and he agreed. I asked to visit him and he said I can visit and we'll probably end up having sex if I visit him, but we won't date again. He said we're compatible in bed, but our personalities are not compatible. He said we fought too much (to me I thought I was just speaking louder). He said his feelings changed and doesn't think we have a future together. He said I can't move with him because I'll have no friends, job, food I like and the weather sucks there. And he said he won't ask anyone to move with him and he wouldn't have stayed for anyone. He seemed to really care for me and cared about my future. He said he's sorry that he wasted my time, but he also felt like he wasted so much effort on me. He admitted that he has own problems, too. He didn't tell me what his problems are. He said he has to be the rational one and make the hard, but right decision for us. Does that mean he thought of the emotional decision of us staying together? I asked him what he meant by compatible and what he wants, but he couldn't tell me. He told me he can’t do hook-ups and I’m welcome to come visit him for sex. And he said we'll never get back together and he doesn't want to give me any false hope. We're still attracted to each other, but he doesn't want to date me anymore. He told me to move on and get over him and not be obsessed with him. He even said that if I moved to where he lives (after my contract job assignment is done in 8 months), he’ll get a restraining order. I just don’t know why he’s so defensive even though I have never done anything abnormal in the past. I don’t know what got him to be so afraid of me…I have never threatened him or done anything crazy. I feel like he's sending me mixed signals. Like he likes me, but doesn't like me. This is confusing me. I think he felt defeated because he has to go back home (where he doesn't like), but I don't know how that contributes to our breakup.

**He gave me all these reasons why we have to break up and why I can't move with him, but I just don't know which one is the determining factor(real reason).. What do you think the determining factor was?

The day after the breakup, I asked him to give me advice on 1st date because I was talking to someone online and we arranged a date. He gave me some advice. I went on the first date and it didn't go well. I texted him asking about his life and sent him some pictures of me. He commented and asked about my date. I didn’t reply him till the next day an told him it went well. He wanted to know more about my date. I asked him what he wants to know. He didn’t reply. The next day I sent him a link to watch a show that I told him about previously. He wanted to know more details about the date. Then he told me to practice safe sex. I asked him why he's telling me this, and he just thought this would help. Again, I feel like he's sending me mixed signals again. It seems like he still cares..I got mad and told him that I cannot just forget all the memories we had and just move on quickly. I got emotional and ask him if he'll be happier to know that I've moved on and if he just want me to quickly jump on another guy. He didn't reply. We haven't talked since then. I'm doing a 30 Day NO-Contact with him now.

It was after the breakup that I started doing some research on compatibility and attachment style. And found out that a lot of problems we had was due to the fact that I'm Anxious-preoccupied and he's Fearful/Dismissive-Avoidant (fear of commitment, avoiding physical closeness, needing space/distancing, alcoholic father and sick mom led to temporary neglect & childhood sexual abuse, rejection from peers/people because he couldn’t read/express emotions well, low self-esteem caused by a critical/mentally abusive mother, feeling unworthy, critical and cynical, defensive to validate his opinions to others).

I have asked several people and they all said I didn’t act that needy and I just didn’t understand why he would think I’m that needy to a point that he couldn’t stand me and have to break up with me. That’s what got me to look for some answers and found out that we didn’t intentionally try to hurt each other.

I know I’m needy and I know I need to be aware of this to better control my irrational emotions that have no actual evidence. I’m willing to work on our issues together, but I don’t know if he’ll want to though.

I’m doing this 30 day No-Contact (recommended by internet relationship coaches) and hoping it will slowly erase his negative memories toward me and increase my chance of getting back together.

I really want to be with him. We share similar values, interests, hobbies and we were comfortable with each other. He’s introverted like me and I like that. We’ve both been told by people that we look too serious and we don’t talk much. We’re similar. I understand him. I know he’s a good person who’s compassionate and treats his family and friends well.

I don’t just want to get back together with him because I’m obsessed with him or I don’t want to be alone. I have other pursuers, but they don’t have what I’m looking for. And I'm over the period of post-breakup withdrawal and doing well physically and mentally. I'm thinking logically. I don't care if I like him more and he likes me less. What's important it's we're together. I want to be with him because simply being with him makes me happy. I know that he cannot make me happy. Only I can make myself happy. I need to be more independent.

I’m willing to do anything to make this relationship work, and I know it won’t be easy.

I’m willing to tolerate all his OCDs of being clean and maintain order, his cheapness, and all of his flaws. I believe that if you really love someone, you should also accept their flaws and try to work on issues together.

I know he likes me, but he’s afraid to be in a relationship with me because he thinks I’m needy and crazy. If he knows about our attachment style, then he would understand that I’m not crazy and remove his image of me being crazy.

But if he knows about our different attachment styles, it would only further support his belief that we’re incompatible.

I was thinking if I visit often enough, we might be able to transition from friends with benefits to lovers. But I’m also afraid that we might just stay in the friends with benefits zone forever (till he finds a girlfriend in his area).

**Please help! What can I do to make him want to be in a relationship (long-distance) with me again? I’m willing to move with him if we get back together. Will the 30 day No-contact work? Should I wait 30 days and see what will happen? Or is it better to get in touch with him to talk things out? Should I visit him? If I visit him, should I have sex with him or should I just kiss/cuddle? Will having sex with him attract him again and eventually bring us back together? How can I explain to him that I'm not crazy and we both have different attachment styles and this is something we can work on & it doesn't mean we're incompatible? I don't think these "flirts/texts to get your ex back" on the internet will open him up, then how can I make him open up?

Thanks in advance! Really appreciate it!

Unfortunately he has to do what he has to do for his livelihood and family business and he mentioned straight up that you are incompatible. Go no contact and stop asking him for dating advice, sending pics of yourself.

Put your energy into dating locally and not doing a postmortem on the relationship or hoping for a 'long distance friends with benefits' (makes no sense).

You can call attachment styles or incompatible or whatever you wish, but if you glean from this that you feel clingy at times then you can work on that.

A month ago he went back home for a weekend and came back telling me he's moving back home and we have to break up. He said he has to leave for his future. His father wants him to help him with his business as he's retiring soon. He said he likes me but in the long run it's better for us to break up now since he can't live with me (said I'm overbearing & controlling) and there's no point keep dating if we can't eventually live together.

Update:

So I did no-contact for 21 days and started texting him casually (for about 2 weeks). He said he's well and hope I've been well and I deserve to be happy.

And then I think we both started flirting. I said "You know you got me addicted, right? I blame you" (I was referring to the show he got me to watch). Then he said "yeah addicted to (emoji of hotdogs)"--suggesting I' addicted to his..Then I flirted back the next day saying "Now I want some big salty juicy hotdogs". He replied "perv". I said "it's your fault for bringing up hotdogs yesterday". Then I asked "what class are you taking?"

He said "I might drop my class since I have a job now and it's pointless. Still have a lot of stuff to unpack and move in. So tired of everything."

I said "Well if you've moved in, I would love to visit your new place and I could use a weekend getaway

He said "I don't think it's a good idea. If you visit, we'll f**k all day. We're not getting back together."

And I said " I just want to visit XXX. That's all. You're an important friend."

After he rejected the idea of me visiting him on Tuesday, today (Thursday, 2 days later) I read on the news that a hurricane is hitting Florida and texted "I hope you're ok?"

He texted me 2 hours later "North Florida. I'm in the South. No impact here"

Then I texted "Haha. That's good I guess? So did you end up dropping your class?"

Then no response.

Sometimes he texted back really quickly and would want to talk, other times he would just reply after a long time and didn't seem like he wants to talk.

And sometimes he either ignored certain questions (like asking if he's moved into his new apartment or if he dropped his class) or answer them after a long time.

Is he being protective of himself? Why so secretive?

His responses have been inconsistent. Don't know why...

And he kept saying he's tired of this and that and just tired of everything. He just doesn't sound happy/enthusiastic about anything. Why is he so unhappy about his life? Working for his dad and will soon become his own boss?

Now I think I maybe I didn't make him unhappy when we were dating..Maybe he's just pessimistic? Is that his problem that he was talking about?

I'm just worried if I do no-contact again (I already did for 21 days), he's gonna think I've moved on and it'll encourage him to move on, too. If he doesn't care about others that much, how will he be curious/or jealous? He's so stubborn! What do you think Would he actually care again? What do I do now?

Thanks!!

What a hurtful situation, I'm so sorry. I would really advise against going to visit him. He keeps making it clear that he doesn't want to get back together. You're only fooling yourself if you believe that you're fine with being just friends or having sex. Don't let him keep playing with your head, and don't give him sexual benefits. This guy sounds extremely shady, and I couldn't even begin to guess where all this is coming from. He's sending mixed signals all over the place. You WILL continue to get hurt if you don't cut him off and go NC. I can't see any good outcome possible from remaining friends.

Update 9/2/16

Me: “Remember that episode Piper got a furlong and attended her grandma's funeral/brother's wedding? (I was referring to Orange is the new Black, a show he got me to watch with him)

It created a contrast where Piper has always listened to her father, but when she doesn't for once, her whole life is screwed and people are all disappointed.”

Him: “So? Yeah I dropped it (he was talking about the class, since my last text was asking him if he dropped the class, but he didn’t respond right away till now”

Me: “But her brother has always been slacking and doing stupid things so no one really expect anything from him and hence no disappointments.

I think we're kind of like Piper.

We've been obedient most of our life and sometimes when we don't obey/conform for once, then people get really disappointed.

Always feeling like you have to meet other people's expectations. I understand that feeling

My point is, don't worry too much about meeting other people’s expectations. Just be yourself. I hope you're not tired from forcing yourself to be perfect

Him: “Ok thanks. I guess it's stupid for me to do a bs in cs for no reason”

Me: ”[robot emoji] robot [my ex’s name]

I took time to reflect and I'm sorry I have too many expectations and you felt like you couldn't make me happy. I realize I was happy. My expectations prevented me from feeling happy. Thanks for trying hard to make us happy.

You don't need to hide your emotions and feelings. If you ever want to talk, you know who to come to That's all”

Him: “Thanks. I appreciate it”

Me: [Attached a Pic of a hotdog on a plate]

“Hotdogs coming to me [emoji of hotdogs]

Because I've been craving for them all week long [sticking tongue out emoji]

[Attached a Pic of BBQ table on the grass]

Labor Day BBQ at work [emoji of person wearing sunglasses]

Any event for Labor Day weekend?”

Him: “Nah. So dry”

Me: “What's so dry?”

Him: “It has been raining at least once a day here since I got here. Looks so dry in CA. The ground”

Me: “Oh I thought you meant the hotdog face with open mouth & tightly closed eyes] my bad. I prefer juicy hotdogs. Must be really wet there [emoji of face screaming in fear]

Him: “Everyone gets wet when [my ex’s name] is around haha”

I didn’t respond to his last text because I don’t want to give him the compliment he’s waiting for (probably waiting for me to say something like I’m horny because of him).

I think I should wait a few days till either Monday or Tuesday (2 or 3 days later) to text him, so we can hint him that I’m slowly moving on & maybe create sense of urgency/jealousy.

If he doesn’t respond, I’ll slowly reduce the amount of texts and frequency to create sense of urgency so that he knows I’m not gonna sit around and wait for him to change his mind.

-On Monday or Tuesday (next week), I’ll send him a poster of a movie I watched and say “How can I not think of you after seeing this movie?! But I still think Finding Dory is the best [next text] movie of the year [next text] at least for now” (we saw Finding Dory together, right before he left, and we had a very good time, touching each other at the theater. Hopefully this bring back some good memory. And he’ll get the hint that I’m using Finding Dory to refer to him and I’m saying that he’s still the best, at least for now, and if he doesn’t act soon, this might change).

-And send him a pic of me holding a plate of food at our favorite Korean restaurant (actually the restaurant we went to on our 1st date, and first place we met). Ask “Can you guess where I am?” Then say “You’re missing out on all the good food in CA! I’m eating it for you! [tongue stick out emoji] Sharing is Caring!”

--What do you think? That texting him intermittently can make him anticipate my texts? Do you think that he’ll get my subtle hints? Thanks!

I’ve been in your situation before. I would recommend that you keep your text communications with him casual and don’t act needy or pressure him in anyway. Also, do not open the door to FWB. Hold out for what you really want, a relationship. Don’t suggest seeing him, getting together or anything beyond the casual texting. Don’t text him more than he texts you. And don’t always be the one to initiate the texts. Wait for him to do it half the time. Keep it light hearted and casual. Right now, he knows that you are still pursuing him. He won’t miss you until you stop doing that, and it may take more than 30 days. After 30 days no contact, my ex and I casually texted on and off for 11 months. We flirted too. I turned down his FWB offer, but we kept texting after that. 11 months after our break-up, he asked me out. When I asked why, he said it was because he started to miss me.