My Boyfriend Might Leave me if I don't Have Sex Wit Him. Please Help!

So my boyfriend and I have been together since I was 16 and he 17 and we had known each other since I was 14 and him 15. Now I’m 22 and he’s obviously 23. We are both virgins. We’ve never had intercourse and I’m actually fine with this. But my boyfriend on the other hand is not.

He really wants sex. His words.

In all honesty, I would like to allow him to do so with me but I’m not ready. I grew up in a really sheltered environment. I didn’t even know what gay, lesbian and any sort of sexuality was until I was 19 and before that I didn’t even know what masturbation was until I was 17. I’ve never had “the talk” so there’s a lot I seriously don’t know, even at 22.

People make fun of my innocence and I really hate it. My boyfriend spews lewd words and statements all the time and sadly he tells me what they mean, though somehow I forget in all honestly.

And since my mom is really religious and is very serious about no boys, no dating and no sex drugs alcohol or anything. I had never seen a boy my age, known a drug by name except for prescription, said a curse word, or even thought of having sex.

After starting college I was exposed to a few things but they were just people being very lewd and inappropriate and cursing all the time. Wow… I guess that’s how people have always been?

And let me say I am really scared.

I am afraid to have sex.

I love my boyfriend a lot. I do.

I let him kiss me and touch me and we do some intimate things. I wasn’t comfortable with it at first and still am not with some things. Some people laugh at me and tell me I might be a lesbian. Some people say I’m playing and I do really want it. Some people just say I haven’t had a taste and will become sex addict when the time comes. But in all honesty I just feel really guilty and very terrified.

I want to wait for marriage. I have told my Bf this and he was understanding for a long time. But now, he’s frustrated. When I let him kiss me, he’ll take off his pants and try to force me into oral. I actually cried the first six times.

I don’t anymore but he gets really upset if I don’t do it.

Now he wants to actually have intercourse.

He tries coax me and says I’ll like it. But I tell him I won’t.

I know I won’t.

I decided to be mature and talk to him about it. I asked why sex was a big a deal, since he talks about it so often. He said he really want to just have sex. He wants to know what it’s like and he wants to do it with me. I guess it’s gotten so bad to the point where he told me he fantasizes about doing it with other girls. I was really upset about this. I would understand if he watched porn but he said he stopped after I found out and I was kind of upset about it. Though from time to time he does watch twerk videos and stares at other women and expresses that they are “so fine.”

My heart really broke to hear all this but I can’t really do anything about it.

He told me that not having sex would affect our relationship. And he thinks that now I’m using the whole waiting until marriage to have sex as some excuse to never have it. He told me, if it came to it, when he turned 25 he wasn’t going to be able to keep it up and would just be really annoyed we weren’t having sex. He said he might even leave me for it.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t bring myself to let him take my virginity. I’ll feel like I let my mom down and my own commitment will have been broken. I don’t want penetration and I haven’t even done that kind of thing to myself. But I want my boyfriend to experience sex for the first time at least.

I feel really guilty too since I’m the one thing that’s standing in his way to experience “his desired pleasures”

What should I do?

Help??

First of all, you should not have sex until you are ready. Plenty of people wait until marriage and that's fine.... it's certainly better than what some heathens do, sleeping around and spreading disease, breaking homes and hearts.

You should not feel pressured. Of course you cry, you are not ready. I appreciate that you want to be kind to your boyfriend, but don't give in to pressure, you might regret it. Both you and your partner have to be ready at the same time, otherwise, it's a no-go.

Besides, him pressuring you is not nice, and you deserve to be treated nicely, you are as good a person as any. God does not respect one person above another. And what he is doing is bordering on rape, I don't like it.

So do you want to marry this man? Remember, you have at least 60+ years of your life ahead of you, that's plenty of time to experience things, when you are ready.

Girl, you need another boyfriend! He FORCED you into oral??? Despite the fact that you CRIED every time??? He is guilt tripping you into having intercourse? No no no...please do yourself a favor and do NOT let this immature clown be your first.

Now I'm not saying I don't understand his desire to experience sex, because I do, it's natural. But it's obvious that you are nowhere near ready, physically and mentally, to take this step, and he should respect that. And, the way he's going about convincing you is just atrocious.

Maybe you two are not compatible, you clearly have different values and that's fine. If he wants sex, let him go and screw everything that moves, if he so desires, so you can meet a guy who respects you and your choices and maybe even share them. I don't know if you're really going to wait until marriage to have sex, chances are if the right partner comes along you may reconsider this stance, but I can tell you with 100% certainty this guy is not the right one for you.

All I'm saying is stick with your beliefs and values, because if you don't, and go into having sex for the wrong reasons (i.e. so you don't lose him, or to make sure he doesn't go get it somewhere else), you will regret it and end up resenting him, which will lead to the demise of your relationship anyway.

Don't do anything you are not comfortable with (including oral sex!) until you're ready. If he wants to go, good riddance! Let him, because I can already tell you can do better than him.

While I don't blame a 23 year old boy for being horny, he's being downright aggressive. You shouldn't go farther than you are comfortable with. It sounds to me like you guys aren't a good match with what you each want physically. And I'm sorry to say that he isn't going to change any time soon. I know you've been together a long time, but honestly, there's no compromise here. I'd let him go sow his wild oats and you can try to find a man with similar values to date. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Never under any circumstances let someone pressure into sex or worse coerce or threaten to leave you if you don't. Say you're not ready end of story, if this jerk walks, he walks.

He really wants sex. His words.

and try to force me into oral

There's a wod for forced sex - rape. And it's never ok. Being frustrated does not give him the right. Him being your boyfriend does not give him the right. What he's doing is wrong. Flat out wrong. And illegal.

Honestly, if you've cried when he's make you give him oral, no wonder you don't want to have sex. No one would want to have sex with someone who treats them this way.

If you're not ready, you're not. End of stroy. Now, this will probably be the end of your relationship, but considering the fact above, this would be best for you.

I give him huge kudos for waiting this long while in the same breath I say, "shame on him for "forcing you into oral."

I think you two should either talk marriage or break up so that you can find someone who will wait as long and you'll not have to have any sex until marriage and he can find someone that isn't so afraid of it.

Has your mother at least talked to you about it being something beautiful between two people that love each other or did she go all Carrie's Mom (as in the Steven King book) on you about the subject?

I think its a shame that your upbringing has you so afraid of such a beautiful thing.

Anyway, has your boyfriend ever talked about marrying you one day?

Thanks a bunch for your response.

As a test. I actually did tell him if he wanted sex so bad, that I would freely let him go have sex with anyone he wanted one time.

But he refused. And he refuses all the time. In all honesty we have a lot in common expect for when it comes to sex. But lately he's been complaining about wanting it BECAUSE we have been together so long. He knows im scared be he just wants to do it. I love him and he's obvious about loving me. But when it comes to that topic. It's really the only thing that worries me. He even said he wouldn't even do it with some stranger. He has to be in a relationship first.

Honestly I thing his way of thinking is that, "as long as im in a relationship, i should be allowed to have sex with my partner"

But I tell him there are plenty of couples who dont or havent done it. And lately this just frustrates him.

I've known my bf for a long time and he's actually very kind. Sex seems to be his only problem. He doesn't harm or yell at me either. And I've actually talked to him more than once and he admitted that he was being a big baby when he forced me all those times. But to him, this is our biggest issue because he waited so long.

In honesty, I do want to marry him. But I don't want to let him have sex with me until I'm ready and until I think he deserves it.

We talk about it sometimes. He admits he's been immature about it in the past. But the other day as we talked about it. He said, that he doesn't know if he can stay in a relationship if we never end up having sex... for example... well into our 40's

I gave him opportunities to leave or have sex with other people but he refuses and he's not that kind of person. He stresses, that he wants to have sex with me, because, a. he love me. b. he's not even interested in doing that kind of thing with some stranger and c. because we've been so long.

I understand where he's coming from. But I just can't give myself to him like that. I've already done so much for our relationship and this is one thing I cannot do right now.

I really do want some advice as to how I can reassure him. Because right now, he really thinks I'm never going to be interested in sex. Which is really not true. I simply want to wait and make sure it's right. He says it worries him to no avail.

Find a Mormon guy.

Tell him you want to wait until marriage. Is his family as religious as yours?

In honesty, I do want to marry him.

Hey there I understand he's at the age where he has needs, but lets be serious he forced you to do oral.... You cried 6 times doing it that says a lot. Good for you for being strong, but honestly it's not ok. Things like this should be consensual and from what you're saying it's definitely not. Above all sex is precious don't give into the crazy societal pressures, and especially not his. If you're not ready DON'T, you might cause more damage to yourself than you think. Understandingly you came from a more conservative religious family but you shouldn't ignore the fact of how you feel. Don't let what other people say affect you, in the end what you do with your body won't cause any harm to anyone else but yourself. I understand you love your boyfriend, I understand it's tough not being able to please him somehow, but really truthfully and honestly assess your situation. If you genuinely are not willing to do this and if it really bothers you but he's forcing you to do all these things how much respect does he have for you? Good luck and I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

Break up with him! This criminal has sexually assaulted you on numerous occasions (i.e., forced you to perform oral sex). If he truly loved you and were a kind person as you claim, he never would have sexually abused you! Believe me, you will be much happier once you are FREE from him.

My mom is the kind of person who will kick her children out of the house and abandon them for even drinking. So I can't talk to her about sex at all. I know she would straight up murder me. (Not literally)

My boyfriend and I talk about getting married all the time. But we both want to first make sure we've finished collage and have good jobs. He says he's going to trying and get place of his own and tells me that, that will be we were can start our life together for real. He wants to marry when I turn 24. And that's what I told him too so long as I have a job. If not 24 then 25. That was our plan.

But until then, he seems to be becoming more and more agitated by the year. He doesn't want to leave me because he says he so lucky to have me and that he honestly doesn't feel like he deserves me int he first place. He really wants to wait but at the same time, I know he's ready.

The first time we did the who foreplay thing, which was when I was 20 was his first time at it too so I know he was overly excited. But I want to make it clear that when I started crying, he did not make me continue to do the oral. But he still forced me into into none the less I suppose.

since marriage is on hold, I want him to know I do want to have sex in the future. But he seems to not believe this claim. I need help with that because I knew he's feeling like I'm not being honest about that much since I put sex of for this long.

We talked about that.

We are waiting to school is done and we both have jobs before we marry.

His family is not as religious and his mom even asks if we have sex too.

Good for you. I hope you get to enjoy it at that time. It is fun, it feels good, and it is free!!! There is no reason for you to look at it in a negative way.

What your mother is doing is borderline abusive. I'm not saying your BF is right to force you into anything but you've been together a really long time. It's natural to have sex and it's not wrong or dirty and doesn't ruin you in anyway.

You need to do some serious work on how you view sex. This is not healthy at all. Sex is a great way to connect with someone. And waiting til marriage is fine but it seems like you don't want to have sex even if you were to get married.

You might possibly be asexual as well. Your BF isn't wrong for wanting to experience something that is a fundamental part of being human. This is a huge incompatibility.

I think really the biggest issue here is your view of sex as something bad, dirty and unnatural when it is in fact one of the most natural things you can do given the right circumstances.

You need to talk to someone about this and reframe the way you view sex. It's really not right for your mother to do this to you especially because she's obviously had sex since she has children. Is she dirty and wrong for bringing you into the world?

I dont think sex is bad. Im just kind of scared of it. And really terrified what my mom would do if she were to find out. I had a close aquaintence tell me that my mom is indeed abusive and I was pretty blind to this all this time of course.

I do want to have sex eventually. I really do. Im just burdened with the guilt of my mom and the pressure of my bf and the fear it may be painful. All in all. I want to do it when Im truly ready and not feeling any of these emotion while going into it.

This sounds like something from the movie Carrie.

Just have sex and don't tell her. You might like it. It feels good. A lot of things in life are scary. You have read into this too much.

Go at your own pace not your bf or you mother's. Your mother sounds like the typical religious fanatic who who believes you should wait for marriage.

If you are afraid, you are not ready. Keep in mind your bf is inexperienced so he may be a horny oaf and not know how to be romantic. Right now he is operating on hormones.

But do realize that being pressured or is not right. He is not entitled to sex. He has a hand to relieve himself with.

I dont think sex is bad. Im just burdened with the guilt of my mom and the pressure of my bf and the fear it may be painful.

So did dude force you to do oral? You've been dodging that bit. That should be game over if so.

OP, I support you in your decision to wait. You need to be ready. Please don't allow him to pressure you. And I also agree that forcing you to perform oral is grounds for breaking up, at the very least.

I know I am in a minority on here in saying this, but there are a lot of good reasons to wait until marriage to have sex.

Being afraid of your mom is not a good one.

I disagree that a person who wants to wait for marriage thinks sex is dirty or unnatural. Some people just believe there is an optimal relationship for sexual expression. I think sex is an amazing gift, designed to unite two people. I do not think it should be undertaken lightly.

Be true to what you believe.

Do not rush into a marriage with this man because he is unwilling to keep waiting until you are ready. Don't marry him at all.

If you have any questions about your fears about sex, and would like to talk to me privately, I would be happy to chat with you by PM. I'm 53, a mom of 4 children right around your age, two of whom are virgins and two of whom are not, and have generally more conservative beliefs about sex than the average person on ENA.

Wiseman2 would probably label me "a religious fanatic" because of that. If only he knew the real me...LOL!

You sound like you will never like sex and that is heartbreaking. I was raised in a very religious home, but was taught that sex was something beautiful and that it was normal to desire it. If you don't want it, you don't want it and that should be the end of it. You aren't going to change and he could be waiting years and years for sex. That's sad when two people love each other.

You need to start making decision based on what you want

you are 22, your mom isnt going to agree with everything you do in life

and you shouldnt be forced to do anything by your bf...

its time to start doing what makes you happy

Are you still living at home with your mom ?

Honestly I am more concerned about you overall as far as getting your chance to figure out who you are as a person free of guilt and pressure from anybody than anything.

In the big picture, with your whole life ahead of you, if you could finish school and get a place of your own, date, work through the issues that have come about due to your upbringing, I think that is your best chance at long term happiness. I understand he's your childhood sweetie and means so much to you. But it's a big world out there.

Id hate to see you move from the dependence of your mom to the dependence of marrying and having sex with a man to get away from your mom.

As for sex, it's your body and your choice when to or not. Always your choice. You aren't ready and that's ok! But it may be time to face that the bf and yourself may need to part ways. You have a choice there too, it's not just on him. You can leave him if the relationship is no longer working.