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Fiance angry and upset I don't compliment her enough! Help!


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So I’m looking for some honest feedback here. My Fiance is a lovely 30 yr old women, we’ve been dating for 5 yrs and engaged for the past 10 months. Every so often she gets all upset with me, complaining I never compliment or make her feel wanted. She gets angry she “has to have the same argument with me over and over again”. It's not like her displeasure about this comes up in the middle of an argument. It can happen if she randomly wakes up one day and doesn't like the lack of compliments from me recently. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the romantic type, never have been me and quite honestly I don’t see a huge problem with that at least in general. But I can understand her displeasure with it I guess. She does compliment me more than I do her, so she’s not a hypocrite in her demands. I don’t know why I don’t compliment her all the time, I seriously don’t. It just doesn’t come naturally to me. It doesn’t mean I love her any less of course. Now let me explain my side a bit.

 

I just feel like I (and other men) show my love in different ways then she does. I feel I do so in the way I support her in every way I feel I know how. Like busting my ass to make sure us and our future children are financially sound and comfortable. Safe, healthy, happy, and free of any hardships I can control. My desire to ensure I’m successful; and level headed isn’t just for me, I’m motivated by providing that for her and our family. I do anything significant that she needs (I guess minus romantic compliments) at the drop of a hat. I would never let her have it rougher than I do, I will always take that burden if I can at all possible. I always do the stuff a man should do that go unnoticed by her. They go unnoticed or at least they’re not at the top of the totem pole of appreciation with the compliments she craves. Things like being loyal, faithful, and always ensuring I never do anything to disrespect her name or make her look foolish to others even if she’s not around. To me that goes along way as I see other men disrespect their SO through words or actions around other people. I will never do that.

 

I understand women like to feel special. But maybe I’m just not good at doing that through mushy words. Like I said I seriously don’t know why I don’t compliment her as much as she does me. I wish it was easier and natural for me but it’s just not. Regardless of all this, could I compliment her a little more, sure, and I’ll try but I know it will never be at the level she is capable of. Am I completely wrong here or is she expecting too much to a certain extent? Please provide your honest answers or questions, I can handle it.

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Aside from lack of compliments, do you take her on dates? do you celebrate occasions together? Do you sometimes cook for her? How are the chores distributed (eg do you help her with chores)? What do you do for her in the romance department?

 

All the stuff you said you do sound all good and well and are of course very valuable and fundamental in a long term relationship/marriage, but honestly loyalty and faithfulness and respect and not bad mouthing your partner behind their backs are just the basics, bare minimums, I would expect that from any guy I'm with, if not I would've broken up with them. Comparing yourself to some lousy husbands who bad mouth their partners is setting the bar pretty low for yourself, no?

 

Providing the family with financial security and working on your career is great and also fundamental, but I bet you also get a great sense of accomplishment from it, from being needed and from being good at what you do, from feeling financial secure, no?

 

Don't get me wrong, you sound like a good solid guy and I'm sure your partner know these good qualities you possess, but what is it that you do that she can actually SEE and FEEL that makes her feel loved and wanted? Romantic relationships require maintenance to keep the love alive, that is the romantic love not the family love that come to develop over time. That doesn't necessarily mean daily compliments or fancy dates, but it could mean sometimes doing little things for each other that the other person goes "awww he/she is so sweet/thoughtful", it could be buying her favourite chocolate or flowers for no reason, it can be cooking her favourite meal, it can be saying "don't worry about the dishes today, I will do them!", or it can be once in a while "honey you look hot in that dress!" followed by some passionate kissing. If it doesn't come naturally to you, it will require conscious effort and constant self reminder.

 

If you already do these things sans compliments, perhaps you should gently point out to her all the little things you do that you consider as romantic gestures that she failed to recognise and see what she says. I don't think compliments for compliments sake is a good idea, but it certainly helps if you ever notice something good about her, to verbalise it more rather than just think about it. A little bit of passion will also help spice things up don't you think?

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Read Love Languages, it explained how some people need compliments to feel loved and others do good deeds to show love. Try to just notice something more often how nice she looks or new outfit or whatever.

It can happen if she randomly wakes up one day and doesn't like the lack of compliments from me recently. I always do the stuff a man should do that go unnoticed by her.
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Read Love Languages, it explained how some people need compliments to feel loved and others do good deeds to show love. Try to just notice something more often how nice she looks or new outfit or whatever.

 

Would it hurt you to tell her she has a nice ___ every once in a while. She's not asking for much and it doesn't take much to do it for goodness sakes.

 

I agree. She's not asking for much and it doesn't take much. Maybe that book will help you understand that people give and receive love differently. And couples thrive when they try to make adjustments to show the other love in the ways that make sense to their partner.

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You don't have to be "romantic" to pay someone a compliment. You probably pay other people compliments all day long - if they have brought in a real knock out dessert to work - you tell them that its really delicious or you really like how the frosting is not too sugary or just right. You tell people what a cool Pokemon tie they are wearing or you congratulate someone on winning a race. Would be that bad to say "that dress is my favorite on you" "You beat me in trivia again. You are definitely the brains in this couple" "i am proud of you (after she mentions her promotion or something" You don't have to tell her that her hair is like silk or anything mushy like that.

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I agree with all the other advice, especially about the Love Languages.

 

For the record - this same argument drove a wedge between me and my ex. If she matters to you, I strongly encourage you to work through this. Sit down with her, tell her she matters to you and you will do these things to work on it, and come up with a plan so she can help guide you on this. I tried it with my ex (i.e. being very blunt - I put a lot of effort in my look today, do I look nice?) and you can learn how to communicate with each other and develop good habits.

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Another adding to the chorus of love languages. And speaking from experience, if you can't speak hers, she won't feel loved. I spent 6 years with someone who didn't speak my love language. And although on an intellectual level, I was sure he loved me. I didn't Feel loved.

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Sometimes I think people have the Love Languages thing completely backwards.

 

It's not a blank check to force someone to act a certain way. You don't get to demand a gift every other day just because it's how you feel loved. You don't get to demand Acts of Service...."Clean up my mess....fix my car....build me a house" just because it's how you feel loved and you don't get to demand compliments.

 

I think the point is more about learning how your partner expresses their love than locking your partner into some box on how to show you love.

 

It's just to open your eyes. When your partner compliments you stop and remember the book and think "My partner is showing me their love, I should remember to show appreciation for that". My partner thought of me when I wasn't around and bought me this thing I really wanted / needed....that's them showing me their love and I should remember to express my appreciation for that.

 

I don't think it's meant as a tool to strong arm your partner into loving you exactly the way you want as much as a tool to open your mind to appreciating the different ways your partner expresses their love for you.

 

I understand that the easiest "fix" for OP is to just try to compliment his girl more often, but I think if someone demanded that I compliment them more often, well, I'd have to ask myself some serious questions about whether I can provide that kind of external validation for someone...especially over a long time period.

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I think the point is more about learning how your partner expresses their love than locking your partner into some box on how to show you love.

 

It's just to open your eyes. When your partner compliments you stop and remember the book and think "My partner is showing me their love, I should remember to show appreciation for that". My partner thought of me when I wasn't around and bought me this thing I really wanted / needed....that's them showing me their love and I should remember to express my appreciation for that.

 

Your mileage may vary. But I tried that for 4 years. It didn't work, loneliest I have ever felt! You shouldn't have to read between the lines to know your partner loves you.

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The quick and easy answer: Do as she asks.

But..., I wonder if that's really the problem.

 

Regular arguments over compliments seems very odd to me.

 

You sound like a regular, (good), guy to me.

After five years and she doesn't know that?

 

Maybe this is it:

"Like busting my ass to make sure us and our future children are financially sound and comfortable."

"Safe, healthy, happy, and free of any hardships I can control."

"I would never let her have it rougher than I do, I will always take that burden if I can at all possible."

"I always do the stuff a man should do that go unnoticed by her."

 

 

You sound more like a trust administrator, than a man excited about finally having the wife of his dreams.

Maybe it's normal and in-step with the times to think this way, but for me..., it's impossible and weird.

 

I don't care how much you plan or how much money you think you will need; IT WON'T BE ENOUGH. (Spoken from experience.)

 

It's good to plan for family, but do it with a partner!

She is infinitely variable to ALL the surprises you will face. (Yes, you will, over and over!)

 

Maybe you're just over-the- top and should just relax a little?

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"I just feel like I show my love in different ways then she does..(I hope you have been....with jewelry!

"...Am I completely wrong here or is she expecting too much to a certain extent?"...At least once is not too much.

 

Compliments don't need to be mushy. But do not take this lightly. If she argues about this regularly, step up to the plate:

"You're cooking is delicious"

"Your (insert outward appearance here: dress, hair, shirt, shirt) looks so nice today"

"I love the way you laugh"

"You are the best woman I know"

"I'm so happy we are getting married"

"Nice arse"

"I love how soft your skin is."

"You smell really good."

"You are rocking it at work."

 

Read The 5 Languages of Love - you may be a doer, but she is a talker - either way, unless you are doing stuff like buying her jewelry and flowers, saving for "future children" is pretty lame, unless it's a shared goal you've communicated on and agreed on.

 

If you don't address this now, you are going to have a crap marriage as she will grow with resentment. Right now, by not taking this seriously, it tells her (regardless if you don't mean to) that you don't care about her feelings, her needs, and don't appreciate or listen to her. She is not a mind reader. I don't care how silly you feel - open up about what you like about her - even if it's to compliment her boobs.

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its not even about the 5 love languages - when you are about to marry someone - will be the closest person, best friend, confidante and sexual partner of that person for the rest of their life - and you NEVER compliment that person at all - it is troubling. My love language is not Words of Encouragement. But it does FEEL GOOD when your spouse or boyfriend says something nice about you. But its not about that either - its about the ABSENCE of ever saying anything nice. In fact, I thought compliments were no big thing until i was in a marriage where i received NO compliments unless it was left handed and laced with a criticism. You are engaged. This is the lovey dovey time of the relationship and you have NEVER told her that you feel very lucky that she is your bride to be? If you talked about kids and want them, compliment her how patient she is with your niece/nephew and that you don't know what kind of dad you'll be, but she is going to be a great mom? Did you tell her that you really like that shirt on her? That you like the way she kisses? (Even a Whoa, that was great.) That it was perfect the way she had that comeback ready for your brother? If you can't muster up some compliments about this stunning, intelligent woman you have been moved so much by to ask for her hand in marriage at this time, I don't know what to say. I know some men are men of few words - but there has to be something.

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its not even about the 5 love languages - when you are about to marry someone - will be the closest person, best friend, confidante and sexual partner of that person for the rest of their life - and you NEVER compliment that person at all - it is troubling. My love language is not Words of Encouragement. But it does FEEL GOOD when your spouse or boyfriend says something nice about you. But its not about that either - its about the ABSENCE of ever saying anything nice. In fact, I thought compliments were no big thing until i was in a marriage where i received NO compliments unless it was left handed and laced with a criticism. You are engaged. This is the lovey dovey time of the relationship and you have NEVER told her that you feel very lucky that she is your bride to be? If you talked about kids and want them, compliment her how patient she is with your niece/nephew and that you don't know what kind of dad you'll be, but she is going to be a great mom? Did you tell her that you really like that shirt on her? That you like the way she kisses? (Even a Whoa, that was great.) That it was perfect the way she had that comeback ready for your brother? If you can't muster up some compliments about this stunning, intelligent woman you have been moved so much by to ask for her hand in marriage at this time, I don't know what to say. I know some men are men of few words - but there has to be something.

Yes... it's called showing your appreciation verbally AND it shouldn't be hard to do or even a freaking issue. Goodness I can't believe what I'm reading that some of you are making this an issue ~ you especially, Op.

 

Gah! I've been married for like 1000 years and although we don't do it as much as we once did. We try to throw out some verbage every once in a while that validates the other's importance to each other.

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Yes... it's called showing your appreciation verbally AND it shouldn't be hard to do or even a freaking issue. Goodness I can't believe what I'm reading that some of you are making this an issue ~ you especially, Op.

 

Gah! I've been married for like 1000 years and although we don't do it as much as we once did. We try to throw out some verbage every once in a while that validates the other's importance to each other.

 

Even if its something that doesn't come naturally - it can be learned - like how we treat children basic manners. For you compliments might not be as deeply heartfelt, but its like saying please and thank you. You can even tell her - that you are the type of person where compliments don't come naturally to you because you show love in other ways. That's how you learned it from dad and grandpa - they showed their love by providing, but you are going to make an effort to learn (and tell her that you love her!) You don't want her heart to be hardened. She may have grown up in a family where compliments came very easy off people's mouths and they were always expressing appreciation to eachother and its the lack of hearing it.

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I agree with reading the love languages and getting an idea of what primary language you need to be speaking to your fiancé. Also try and search your own feelings and whether you feel fulfilled and loved by your partner. Sometimes when we don't feel loved it is difficult to show affection to our spouse. John Gray (Author of Men are from Mars ...) recommends writing love letters which can help you express compliments / affection / intimacy and work through problems in the relationship. I am a recently divorced guy who deeply and passionately loved my wife. I let a lot of beautiful thoughts I had about her go unsaid and a lot of deep emotions go unfelt. Do not make this same mistake, dig deep everyday and think why you are choosing her.. and make sure she knows it, feels it. Think of how devastated you would be if this seemingly annoying request becomes the nidus of your relationship downfall, make her feel cherished, adored, beautiful and she will be happy.

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And crude as "nice rack" can sound, and some will say how crude it is, we still feel special.

 

People think compliments have to be like poetry - I'll say it for everyone to be clear - COMPLIMENTS DO NOT HAVE TO BE LIKE POETRY - it's to acknowledge each other's. Don't ever assume people know how you feel or what you thinking - not matter how solid your relationship is, always check in with eachother once in a while - future goals, future goals for the relationship, clearing up things.

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Honestly the answer to all your problems would just be for you to compliment her more. Why is that so difficult? I get it, you think you show your love in other ways, but she doesn't see that as you showing her you WANT her. You'd have to sit down and explain to her that the fact that you provide for her financially means that you love her, and that sounds like sh** to a woman who just wants to be told sometimes "Honey, I love you, I'm glad you're here with me."

 

All she is asking you to do is to say some nice things to her sometimes, maybe do a nice thing here and there. I don't see why that is do hard to do or at least attempt. It takes literally little to no effort to look at your fiance, whom you love, and tell her that she looks beautiful or thank her for all the things she does, whatever things she does. There's a cliche statement out there but I won't hesitate to use it: if you don't make her feel wanted, someone else will. It would probably take less effort to do this than it took for you to make this post.

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Honestly the answer to all your problems would just be for you to compliment her more. Why is that so difficult? I get it, you think you show your love in other ways, but she doesn't see that as you showing her you WANT her. You'd have to sit down and explain to her that the fact that you provide for her financially means that you love her, and that sounds like sh** to a woman who just wants to be told sometimes "Honey, I love you, I'm glad you're here with me."

 

All she is asking you to do is to say some nice things to her sometimes, maybe do a nice thing here and there. I don't see why that is do hard to do or at least attempt. It takes literally little to no effort to look at your fiance, whom you love, and tell her that she looks beautiful or thank her for all the things she does, whatever things she does. There's a cliche statement out there but I won't hesitate to use it: if you don't make her feel wanted, someone else will. It would probably take less effort to do this than it took for you to make this post.

 

I agree. The financial stuff is of course awesome but also more of a required thing. Your family needs money if it wants to live a certain kind of life so the job is standard fare. Your wife's wants to be noticed. Send flowers to her work? You need to provide but also must still court her a bit.

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My ex husband refused to do anything special for me. I specifically told him that if ONE day each month he did something out of the ordinary for me I'd be his slave (not literally, of course!). I told him, it could be as simple as stopping on the way home from work to pick me up a dessert I liked. Or a card. Maybe offer to pick up my favorite take out.

 

Know what his answer was? "Yeah, I'm not going to do that".

 

TWELVE days out of the year, and he's NOT GOING TO DO THAT???!!!

 

Notice I wrote "ex" husband.

 

His refusal was only part of the picture of why we split, but it was a pretty big part. Especially since I made it a point to pick up something for him when I went shopping for the kids, and that I made a big effort to cook him his favorite meals.

 

But, he wasn't going to do what I asked. No reason, he just said no. So, to divorce court we went.

 

He's still single, 18 years later. Guess he's "not going to do that" for anyone.

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  • 3 years later...

Well, I agree with the previous answers that she's not asking a lot, but I can understand you too.

I'm the kind of a person who doesn't like to say a lot of words. For me it's better to show my love by some deeds.

 

If it's so important to her, then why not doing it? If you really love her, you can do it. Saying the compliments you will see how it makes her happy and you will also be happy that she feels special to you.

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Well, I agree with the previous answers that she's not asking a lot, but I can understand you too.

I'm the kind of a person who doesn't like to say a lot of words. For me it's better to show my love by some deeds.

 

If it's so important to her, then why not doing it? If you really love her, you can do it. Saying the compliments you will see how it makes her happy and you will also be happy that she feels special to you.

 

This is a 4 year old thread.

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