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Thread: Fiance angry and upset I don't compliment her enough! Help!

  1. #1

    Fiance angry and upset I don't compliment her enough! Help!

    So Iím looking for some honest feedback here. My Fiance is a lovely 30 yr old women, weíve been dating for 5 yrs and engaged for the past 10 months. Every so often she gets all upset with me, complaining I never compliment or make her feel wanted. She gets angry she ďhas to have the same argument with me over and over againĒ. It's not like her displeasure about this comes up in the middle of an argument. It can happen if she randomly wakes up one day and doesn't like the lack of compliments from me recently. Iíll be the first to admit Iím not the romantic type, never have been me and quite honestly I donít see a huge problem with that at least in general. But I can understand her displeasure with it I guess. She does compliment me more than I do her, so sheís not a hypocrite in her demands. I donít know why I donít compliment her all the time, I seriously donít. It just doesnít come naturally to me. It doesnít mean I love her any less of course. Now let me explain my side a bit.

    I just feel like I (and other men) show my love in different ways then she does. I feel I do so in the way I support her in every way I feel I know how. Like busting my ass to make sure us and our future children are financially sound and comfortable. Safe, healthy, happy, and free of any hardships I can control. My desire to ensure Iím successful; and level headed isnít just for me, Iím motivated by providing that for her and our family. I do anything significant that she needs (I guess minus romantic compliments) at the drop of a hat. I would never let her have it rougher than I do, I will always take that burden if I can at all possible. I always do the stuff a man should do that go unnoticed by her. They go unnoticed or at least theyíre not at the top of the totem pole of appreciation with the compliments she craves. Things like being loyal, faithful, and always ensuring I never do anything to disrespect her name or make her look foolish to others even if sheís not around. To me that goes along way as I see other men disrespect their SO through words or actions around other people. I will never do that.

    I understand women like to feel special. But maybe Iím just not good at doing that through mushy words. Like I said I seriously donít know why I donít compliment her as much as she does me. I wish it was easier and natural for me but itís just not. Regardless of all this, could I compliment her a little more, sure, and Iíll try but I know it will never be at the level she is capable of. Am I completely wrong here or is she expecting too much to a certain extent? Please provide your honest answers or questions, I can handle it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    Aside from lack of compliments, do you take her on dates? do you celebrate occasions together? Do you sometimes cook for her? How are the chores distributed (eg do you help her with chores)? What do you do for her in the romance department?

    All the stuff you said you do sound all good and well and are of course very valuable and fundamental in a long term relationship/marriage, but honestly loyalty and faithfulness and respect and not bad mouthing your partner behind their backs are just the basics, bare minimums, I would expect that from any guy I'm with, if not I would've broken up with them. Comparing yourself to some lousy husbands who bad mouth their partners is setting the bar pretty low for yourself, no?

    Providing the family with financial security and working on your career is great and also fundamental, but I bet you also get a great sense of accomplishment from it, from being needed and from being good at what you do, from feeling financial secure, no?

    Don't get me wrong, you sound like a good solid guy and I'm sure your partner know these good qualities you possess, but what is it that you do that she can actually SEE and FEEL that makes her feel loved and wanted? Romantic relationships require maintenance to keep the love alive, that is the romantic love not the family love that come to develop over time. That doesn't necessarily mean daily compliments or fancy dates, but it could mean sometimes doing little things for each other that the other person goes "awww he/she is so sweet/thoughtful", it could be buying her favourite chocolate or flowers for no reason, it can be cooking her favourite meal, it can be saying "don't worry about the dishes today, I will do them!", or it can be once in a while "honey you look hot in that dress!" followed by some passionate kissing. If it doesn't come naturally to you, it will require conscious effort and constant self reminder.

    If you already do these things sans compliments, perhaps you should gently point out to her all the little things you do that you consider as romantic gestures that she failed to recognise and see what she says. I don't think compliments for compliments sake is a good idea, but it certainly helps if you ever notice something good about her, to verbalise it more rather than just think about it. A little bit of passion will also help spice things up don't you think?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Read Love Languages, it explained how some people need compliments to feel loved and others do good deeds to show love. Try to just notice something more often how nice she looks or new outfit or whatever.
    Originally Posted by jalbright
    It can happen if she randomly wakes up one day and doesn't like the lack of compliments from me recently. I always do the stuff a man should do that go unnoticed by her.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Would it hurt you to tell her she has a nice ___ every once in a while. She's not asking for much and it doesn't take much to do it for goodness sakes.

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    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Read Love Languages, it explained how some people need compliments to feel loved and others do good deeds to show love. Try to just notice something more often how nice she looks or new outfit or whatever.
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Would it hurt you to tell her she has a nice ___ every once in a while. She's not asking for much and it doesn't take much to do it for goodness sakes.
    I agree. She's not asking for much and it doesn't take much. Maybe that book will help you understand that people give and receive love differently. And couples thrive when they try to make adjustments to show the other love in the ways that make sense to their partner.

  7. #6
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    You don't have to be "romantic" to pay someone a compliment. You probably pay other people compliments all day long - if they have brought in a real knock out dessert to work - you tell them that its really delicious or you really like how the frosting is not too sugary or just right. You tell people what a cool Pokemon tie they are wearing or you congratulate someone on winning a race. Would be that bad to say "that dress is my favorite on you" "You beat me in trivia again. You are definitely the brains in this couple" "i am proud of you (after she mentions her promotion or something" You don't have to tell her that her hair is like silk or anything mushy like that.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    I agree with all the other advice, especially about the Love Languages.

    For the record - this same argument drove a wedge between me and my ex. If she matters to you, I strongly encourage you to work through this. Sit down with her, tell her she matters to you and you will do these things to work on it, and come up with a plan so she can help guide you on this. I tried it with my ex (i.e. being very blunt - I put a lot of effort in my look today, do I look nice?) and you can learn how to communicate with each other and develop good habits.

  9. #8
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    Another adding to the chorus of love languages. And speaking from experience, if you can't speak hers, she won't feel loved. I spent 6 years with someone who didn't speak my love language. And although on an intellectual level, I was sure he loved me. I didn't Feel loved.

  10. #9
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    Sometimes I think people have the Love Languages thing completely backwards.

    It's not a blank check to force someone to act a certain way. You don't get to demand a gift every other day just because it's how you feel loved. You don't get to demand Acts of Service...."Clean up my mess....fix my car....build me a house" just because it's how you feel loved and you don't get to demand compliments.

    I think the point is more about learning how your partner expresses their love than locking your partner into some box on how to show you love.

    It's just to open your eyes. When your partner compliments you stop and remember the book and think "My partner is showing me their love, I should remember to show appreciation for that". My partner thought of me when I wasn't around and bought me this thing I really wanted / needed....that's them showing me their love and I should remember to express my appreciation for that.

    I don't think it's meant as a tool to strong arm your partner into loving you exactly the way you want as much as a tool to open your mind to appreciating the different ways your partner expresses their love for you.

    I understand that the easiest "fix" for OP is to just try to compliment his girl more often, but I think if someone demanded that I compliment them more often, well, I'd have to ask myself some serious questions about whether I can provide that kind of external validation for someone...especially over a long time period.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by TMifune
    I think the point is more about learning how your partner expresses their love than locking your partner into some box on how to show you love.

    It's just to open your eyes. When your partner compliments you stop and remember the book and think "My partner is showing me their love, I should remember to show appreciation for that". My partner thought of me when I wasn't around and bought me this thing I really wanted / needed....that's them showing me their love and I should remember to express my appreciation for that.
    Your mileage may vary. But I tried that for 4 years. It didn't work, loneliest I have ever felt! You shouldn't have to read between the lines to know your partner loves you.

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