My Mother...

Even though I am 27 years old I am not 'allowed' to use dating sites or go to a function with a guy who I am friends with on FaceBook. My mother is worried that I'll meet someone on a dating site who will end up murdering me and throwing me in a dumpster. And she also calls this guy who I am friends with things such as a 'player', 'weirdo', and 'loser'. She also says that this guy who I am friends with on FaceBook, "probably invited 20 girls to the function" and, "He probably went through all the girls on the site" I met him on (match). She also says that this other guy who I met in person off a dating website would most likely murder me (he was young and engaged, and I broke it off with him, but I think to say that he would 'murder' me is a bit much).

It's really embarrassing, and I think that her worrying is hindering my happiness. My uncle (her brother) even told my grandfather (their father) that she should let me go.

I still have to call her whenever I reach certain destinations, in order for her to make sure I am safe. I don't know if this has to do with the fact that I am an only child.

I love her, but I hate the fact that I keep worrying what she thinks. I am really close to her, but I really need a third party opinion.

Some of my friends and some of the guys I have dated have even stated the ridiculousness of her influence over me. I understand parents wanting to protect their children, but I do not support the hinderance of freedom.

I still live her so I think that is largely affecting me as well. I could go full-time at the job I am working at and live alone or with roommates, and take out a student loan for school. Quite frankly, I don't know WHAT she is going to do when I move out.

When I still was able to use dating sites, I met this guy who I stayed over with. This stressed her out dramatically and she ended up coming to look for me (because I wasn't texting/calling her CONSTANTLY) even though I did text her to let her know where I was, and when I was coming home.

"He probably went through all the girls on the site"

To be fair, you'd expect him to, so she's probably right with that one. But her argument has a self-perpetuating rebuttal which is interesting:

The more girls he went through in order to choose you, the more relatively rare he finds you, which is good, right?

Aside from that, sounds like the Jewish Mother syndrome, except with a daughter rather than a son, and also she's probably not Jewish. But er... aside from that, it sounds like it.

To be fair, you'd expect him to, so she's probably right with that one. But her argument has a self-perpetuating rebuttal which is interesting:

 

The more girls he went through in order to choose you, the more relatively rare he finds you, which is good, right?

True, more reason for me to want to go out with him

I just looked up Jewish Mother syndrome and you pretty much nailed it.

You need to move out! Get that full time job and find an apt. with or without roommates and get out on your own. Then you dont have to tell her what you are doing or where you are going. I do believe the fact you are an only child is a lot of the problem. The other problem is that you are female. Mothers can be too over-protective of their girls.

Also why are you telling her you are meeting guys thru online dating sites? Does she really need to know that?

I still live her so I think that is largely affecting me as well. I could go full-time at the job I am working at and live alone or with roommates, and take out a student loan for school. Quite frankly, I don't know WHAT she is going to do when I move out.

you are flexible in allowing yourself to see a solution. excellent, as even adult children of overbearing parents can blind themselves to a way to free adulthood.

seeing as there is a solution, i would encourage you to identify what is keeping you from making a change. you say you don't know what would happen to her, so i am proposing two points, both of which I find typical in these family dynamics.

1)you feel responsible for your mother. you two are enmeshed, you know this because you can feel her intrude into your life and persona and are rightfully questioning what happens to a person unable to stand independetly when they no longer have another vessel to pour their own selves into. they tend to implode, as i'm sure you know, and the fear of that keeps you from doing what's right for you.have you considered counseling to empower you and to learn how to dispute feelings of guilt and responsibility for her reaction to your adulthood? you may find yourself feeling responsible and guilty with many people you get close to.

2)you also wonder, what would happen to YOU. on one hand, you can't wait to break free and detest being a string puppet, on the other hand, it may be all you know. you haven't established boundaries with her so far, you answer her texts, calls, share details about your personal life that she can then try to control, your partners have noticed you behave as her string puppet. it's not just that "your mum is like this", it's that you co-create the dynamics. i say this with all respect and empathy, and zero criticism. my own mother was much like this, and i work with a wonderful girl your age with the same experience. just like it is scary for mum to be without a vessel into which she extends her influence, an extension of herself, so it may be subconsciously scary for you to live without an influence that you feel has occupied a large portion of your life and persona. you want to just be you- but maybe you fear successfully "amputating" her influence because if her influence was 80% of your everything, you wonder what you'll discover yourself and your life to be without that control from her. empty? insufficient?

you two are symbiotic, however annoying this symbiosis is.

i would start by modifying whatever you can modify, such as learning some assertiveness, boundary setting, self-confidence. i would keep in mind that this family life has modelled a style of relating that takes counscious effort to unlearn. this is to avoid unhealthy partnerships and regressing into a helpless state of dependence when you do find yourself "free" and perhaps realize that free is more frightening than you imagined it would be. depending on how enmeshed you feel, you may want to "break free" gradually, the so called long leash approach. it would allow both you and mum a transitional space to adjust.

You need to move out! Get that full time job and find an apt. with or without roommates and get out on your own. Then you dont have to tell her what you are doing or where you are going. I do believe the fact you are an only child is a lot of the problem. The other problem is that you are female. Mothers can be too over-protective of their girls.

 

Also why are you telling her you are meeting guys thru online dating sites? Does she really need to know that?

I agree. And I guess she doesn't. I don't know why I told her about that...

 

1)you feel responsible for your mother. you two are enmeshed, you know this because you can feel her intrude into your life and persona and are rightfully questioning what happens to a person unable to stand independetly when they no longer have another vessel to pour their own selves into. they tend to implode, as i'm sure you know, and the fear of that keeps you from doing what's right for you.have you considered counseling to empower you and to learn how to dispute feelings of guilt and responsibility for her reaction to your adulthood? you may find yourself feeling responsible and guilty with many people you get close to.

 

2)you also wonder, what would happen to YOU. on one hand, you can't wait to break free and detest being a string puppet, on the other hand, it may be all you know. you haven't established boundaries with her so far, you answer her texts, calls, share details about your personal life that she can then try to control, your partners have noticed you behave as her string puppet. it's not just that "your mum is like this", it's that you co-create the dynamics. i say this with all respect and empathy, and zero criticism. my own mother was much like this, and i work with a wonderful girl your age with the same experience. just like it is scary for mum to be without a vessel into which she extends her influence, an extension of herself, so it may be subconsciously scary for you to live without an influence that you feel has occupied a large portion of your life and persona. you want to just be you- but maybe you fear successfully "amputating" her influence because if her influence was 80% of your everything, you wonder what you'll discover yourself and your life to be without that control from her. empty? insufficient?

 

you two are symbiotic, however annoying this symbiosis is.

 

Exactly.

Making this thread inspired me to talk to her tonight about moving out. She asked me, "Do you really want to be alone?" and, "Do you want to be in debt?" I don't want either of those things I just want freedom. I agree that I will need to take a gradual approach in order to break away from this way I have been living. She also made it seem like I would be working at my job full-time for the rest of my life, and she said that many young people who are going to school live with their parents. And then she went on about living expenses, paying for my car, utilities, food, etc. She said she was okay with me doing what I wanted but I don't believe her, especially after her trying to convince me to live with her through school.

I also asked her, "So I can't use dating websites ever again?" and she basically said no; she would rather me go to a matchmaker which is a whole different can of worms.

The sad thing is, is that I feel closer to her than anyone else. I don't really have any close friends (we parted ways when I moved to a different town) although I have been trying to reconnect with my cousin who is in the same boat (she's my age, living with her parents, working full-time, not in a romantic relationship, and no kids). I thought of getting a place with her, but of course my mom would know about it, and when I mentioned that my cousin was keen on moving out, my mom adamantly said, "You are not living with her!"

I sense that this is going to be pretty difficult...

OP, for christs sake, you are 27 years old. Why are you taking orders from your mother like this??? I know what you are going through as I have an overprotective mother. But you have to lay down the law in some way. And if that means moving out, so be it. You're a grown woman, you should be allowed to date any men you want. No questions asked.

If I had a daughter, I would have the same fears, knowing what I know about online dating. I don't care what people say, dating sites and apps are a haven for all kinds of pervs, psychopaths, married or otherwise unavailable people, players, etc. Of course there are lots of decent, relationship oriented people on there too, but finding them is much like finding an eyelash in a bucket of vomit. So yeah, I can understand your mother, I would much rather my daughter met someone in real life, maybe a colleague, friend or relative of a friend, etc.

With that said, she does sound a bit too controlling, after all you are old enough to make your own choices, good or bad. She needs to understand that it's time to cut the cord, and the only way this will happen is if you move out and live on your own.

Sorry but it's the name of the game. Many parents of adult dependents will assume if their son or daughter lacks the responsibility to be on their own, then they also lack it when it comes to other decisions. If you want to be treated with respect and autonomy, you need to command it and with actions just as much as words. Focus less on any form of dating and more on getting on your own.

Even though I am 27 years old I am not 'allowed' to use dating sites or go to a function with a guy who I am friends with on FaceBook. My mother is worried that I'll meet someone on a dating site who will end up murdering me and throwing me in a dumpster. And she also calls this guy who I am friends with things such as a 'player', 'weirdo', and 'loser'. She also says that this guy who I am friends with on FaceBook, "probably invited 20 girls to the function" and, "He probably went through all the girls on the site" I met him on (match). She also says that this other guy who I met in person off a dating website would most likely murder me (he was young and engaged, and I broke it off with him, but I think to say that he would 'murder' me is a bit much).

 

It's really embarrassing, and I think that her worrying is hindering my happiness. My uncle (her brother) even told my grandfather (their father) that she should let me go.

I still have to call her whenever I reach certain destinations, in order for her to make sure I am safe. I don't know if this has to do with the fact that I am an only child.

I love her, but I hate the fact that I keep worrying what she thinks. I am really close to her, but I really need a third party opinion.

 

Some of my friends and some of the guys I have dated have even stated the ridiculousness of her influence over me. I understand parents wanting to protect their children, but I do not support the hinderance of freedom.

 

I still live her so I think that is largely affecting me as well. I could go full-time at the job I am working at and live alone or with roommates, and take out a student loan for school. Quite frankly, I don't know WHAT she is going to do when I move out.

 

When I still was able to use dating sites, I met this guy who I stayed over with. This stressed her out dramatically and she ended up coming to look for me (because I wasn't texting/calling her CONSTANTLY) even though I did text her to let her know where I was, and when I was coming home.

Is there a reason you're 27 and still live at home? Do you have some medical issues or are trying to save money? If there's nothing holding you there, you need to get out and start your own life. You're an adult. Your mom can't "make" you do any of the things you listed. At all. You don't have to call and check in. You can be friends with or date whomever you want.

Your mom needs to get some counseling too. She's got some serious attachment issues.

If I had a daughter, I would have the same fears, knowing what I know about online dating. I don't care what people say, dating sites and apps are a haven for all kinds of pervs, psychopaths, married or otherwise unavailable people, players, etc. Of course there are lots of decent, relationship oriented people on there too, but finding them is much like finding an eyelash in a bucket of vomit. So yeah, I can understand your mother, I would much rather my daughter met someone in real life, maybe a colleague, friend or relative of a friend, etc.

With that said, she does sound a bit too controlling, after all you are old enough to make your own choices, good or bad. She needs to understand that it's time to cut the cord, and the only way this will happen is if you move out and live on your own.

They also have normal people on them. You could also meet a perv in "real life." How is she supposed to go meet anyone in "real life" when her mother controls her so much? Why can't she meet people however she wants?

The world itself is a haven for pedophiles, psychos and married people cheating. Dating site or not.

Good grief, you are almost 30! You are not a little girl any more. You are a fully grown adult who needs to map out her own life. You need to get a place of your own and start living the life of an adult. If you were 17 it would be understandable. Maybe even if you were 23 ... but 27! I was married and with child at your age. I couldn't imagine still being controlled by a mother who wouldn't even let me date.

And why are you still talking to her about dating sites? Some things are best left unsaid ..... or at least discussed with friends!

Time to move out and tell mom very little about your life.

They also have normal people on them. You could also meet a perv in "real life." How is she supposed to go meet anyone in "real life" when her mother controls her so much? Why can't she meet people however she wants?

 

The world itself is a haven for pedophiles, psychos and married people cheating. Dating site or not.

I agree. I am a mother of 3 girls. Twenty one, 18 and 11. Whilst I have all the normal fears any mother would have I also fear about being too over protective. I see that as being hindrance to their growth and possbly giving them a warped perception on life. They are too young to be bothered about dating sites at this point .... it's all about Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat ... but we still have all the necessary safety chats. It isn't easy watching them grow, watching them change, letting them go .... but it is a fact of life and a necessity that I let them grow. I think back to what I was doing at that age. The world has changed a lot since then but, nevertheless, I want them to be ... and I encourage them to be ... as safe and sensible as they could be possibly be WHEREVER they are. The bad stuff that goes on out there isn't just centred around dating sites.

I agree. I am a mother of 3 girls. Twenty one, 18 and 11. Whilst I have all the normal fears any mother would have I also fear about being too over protective. I see that as being hindrance to their growth and possbly giving them a warped perception on life. They are too young to be bothered about dating sites at this point .... it's all about Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat ... but we still have all the necessary safety chats. It isn't easy watching them grow, watching them change, letting them go .... but it is a fact of life and a necessity that I let them grow. I think back to what I was doing at that age. The world has changed a lot since then but, nevertheless, I want them to be ... and I encourage them to be ... as safe and sensible as they could be possibly be WHEREVER they are. The bad stuff that goes on out there isn't just centred around dating sites.

Hahahaha moms. I am 50 and my mom still tells me the internet is for weirdos... Lol. I have an 18 year old too and I really struggle not to over protect.

Hahahaha moms. I am 50 and my mom still tells me the internet is for weirdos... Lol. I have an 18 year old too and I really struggle not to over protect.

Well I have to admit, I haven't told my mum that I have frequented dating sites because I know she will give me "that" look!

We will never stop being mothers .... or stop worrying ... but for their sake we have to try to keep a grip on reality. Hard though it is. I would absolutely hate to think of my daughter being 27, stuck at home without having a life of her own.

Well I have to admit, I haven't told my mum that I have frequented dating sites because I know she will give me "that" look!

 

We will never stop being mothers .... or stop worrying ... but for their sake we have to try to keep a grip on reality. Hard though it is. I would absolutely hate to think of my daughter being 27, stuck at home without having a life of her own.

Exactly, you never stop being a mom, but baring a medical,issue or no employment at 27 you need to leave home and get a life.

 

The world itself is a haven for pedophiles, psychos and married people cheating. Dating site or not.

Can't argue with that, unfortunately. Like I said, there are normal people on those sites, of course. But the safest is to meet people through friends or through activities that more or less screen the type of people who join. And even then, the risk is still there, just not as big.

Is there a reason you're 27 and still live at home? Do you have some medical issues or are trying to save money? If there's nothing holding you there, you need to get out and start your own life. You're an adult. Your mom can't "make" you do any of the things you listed. At all. You don't have to call and check in. You can be friends with or date whomever you want.

 

Your mom needs to get some counseling too. She's got some serious attachment issues.

I am mostly trying to save money...

I am mostly trying to save money...

If you are trying to save you money then I guess you have to put up with the interference in your life .

I am mostly trying to save money...

You will spend that money in therapy or on expensive options to meet people once you are past 35 and past your prime dating years (that is if you want to have a child -at that point the pool dwindles as men select younger women so they don't have to rush into parenthood). I did not move out till I was 28 (I am almost 50) and done with grad school. I should have moved out sooner because just living on my own, doing my own laundry, keeping my own schedule, the extra privacy (and no my parents were not overprotective) did wonders for my maturity/self-confidence/independence and improved my relationship with my parents. It also did wonders for my social and dating life.

Thank you for the replies everyone. I really needed a third party opinion regarding my situation

Can't argue with that, unfortunately. Like I said, there are normal people on those sites, of course. But the safest is to meet people through friends or through activities that more or less screen the type of people who join. And even then, the risk is still there, just not as big.

It actually isn't safer. The majority of sexual assaults, rapes and assaults are committed by someone the victim knows or even just an acquaintance.

Unfortunately she sounds bitter, jealous and neurotic. Is she unhappy, divorced, clingy? This is clearly her problem not yours. Why is a 27 y/o woman discussing every detail of her dating social life with her mother? That part is your problem.

When I still was able to use dating sites, I met this guy who I stayed over with. This stressed her out dramatically and she ended up coming to look for me (because I wasn't texting/calling her CONSTANTLY) even though I did text her to let her know where I was, and when I was coming home.