Did I do the right thing? Dating a guy with kids whos living with his baby mama

Okay so basically I struck up a friendship with someone online who told me he had three kids and he was still living with his baby mama. The big red flag for me was that he wanted to date me without her knowing!!

He told me it was for his children's sake because she still wanted to try and if she knew he was seeing other people she would turn his kids against him.

He also told me that he's already been dating someone for 6 months behind his partner's back, but had to break it off (how can I possibly trust him?). He said he didn't see the point in moving out unless he met the right person and he would move out after 6 months if he met the right girl.

I'm terrified of heartbreak and I find relationships hard as it is. I've dated men with children before and I got really badly hurt. I don't have any children of my own and I want to start a family with someone one day who's totally devoted to me and my family. I'm the jealous type and a bit selfish.

The other thing that bothered me was that he wouldn't add me on facebook like he was trying to hide something (I think they were probably still together on there)

I was strong but polite the first time and told him I wasn't interested and blocked him on everything. I forgot to block him on my phone though and he started texting me on there and trying to worm his way back in...sending me naked photos of himself and bragging about what a nice guy he is, telling me about shaving his head for cancer charities and working for animal rights...blah blah...being extremely charming and pushy...

I decided to try and be friends with him but within the course of a day he was trying to convince me to spend a few days in a hotel with him having sex.

My gut feeling is he just wants to use me??

I think he's getting out of a relationship and just wants a buddy to make it easier for him...I don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to deal with that.....

I wrote him a very strongly worded text basically telling him to leave me alone or I'd go to the police, making it very clear I didn't want to hear from him again.

The thing is I'm feeling really guilty about it and I don't know if I did the right thing? I kinda liked the attention and I did really like him as a person, it was just his baggage I didn't like. He was prepared to do anything to get me to meet him and it was nice to feel special and wanted. I've been single for so long and I haven't been happy for years.

I'm terrified of heartbreak and I find relationships hard as it is.

There is absolutely no reason why you should need a friend that is that shady. Get yourself away from him and read all you can on personal boundaries and how you will not, for any reason tear them down just to be with someone. He is STILL MARRIED and he's not looking for another female friend. He's bad news and your gut is telling you that already but you're trying to find reasons to ignore it. Hone those boundaries because they are what will keep you from being taken advantage of and keep you so that you no longer need be afraid of heartbreak because you won't allow yourself to become vulnerable unless you are doing so for a good man. He IS NOT a good man so of course you did the right thing. Next time don't bother with the letter, just block and delete.

Just keep reading your post over and over again until it sinks in what kind of guy he really is.

From an outside perspective he's a total scumbag. Block and move on.

He's cheating on his gf. plus looking for a free call girl. Dump and block.

he was still living with his baby mama. The big red flag for me was that he wanted to date me without her knowing!!

 

Yes, I think you did the right thing. I want you to put yourself in our shoes though: re-read your post. Imagine that a good friend of yours wrote it, not you. What would you tell her? How would you advise her?

So I read through this...

"Okay so basically I struck up a friendship with someone online who told me he had three kids and he was still living with his baby mama. The big red flag for me was that he wanted to date me without her knowing!!

He told me it was for his children's sake because she still wanted to try and if she knew he was seeing other people she would turn his kids against him.

He also told me that he's already been dating someone for 6 months behind his partner's back, but had to break it off (how can I possibly trust him?). He said he didn't see the point in moving out unless he met the right person and he would move out after 6 months if he met the right girl.

I'm terrified of heartbreak and I find relationships hard as it is. I've dated men with children before and I got really badly hurt. I don't have any children of my own and I want to start a family with someone one day who's totally devoted to me and my family. I'm the jealous type and a bit selfish.

The other thing that bothered me was that he wouldn't add me on facebook like he was trying to hide something (I think they were probably still together on there)

I was strong but polite the first time and told him I wasn't interested and blocked him on everything. I forgot to block him on my phone though and he started texting me on there and trying to worm his way back in...sending me naked photos of himself and bragging about what a nice guy he is, telling me about shaving his head for cancer charities and working for animal rights...blah blah...being extremely charming and pushy..."

Only to damn near choke on my breakfast (Golden Grahams) when I read this immediately afterward...

"I decided to try and be friends with him"

That's a decision so bad it takes a real effort to make. You say you haven't been happy in years. Have sought any kind of help with that?

I'd follow your gut on this one. Look at the facts...

1. Still living with the mother of his children (three of them).

2. Seeing someone on the side already.

3. Wants to hook up with you in a hotel just to have sex.

4. Sending you inappropriate photos of himself.

5. Won't add you to FB so he obviously has something to hide.

Gheesh! The guy's a worm.

I can understand you liking the attention, but seriously... This guy wouldn't care one iota about you after he's had you where he wants to get you. You can like him if you want, but he only wants you for one thing.

Shaving his head for cancer and animal rights... Yeah, right... Has he given you the "pity party" excuses yet?

I think you can do better than him... A lot better!

My gut feeling is he just wants to use me??

Are you serious? This guy is a total loser and a user and he's just looking to get laid. Block him on your phone NOW!

Okay so basically I struck up a friendship with someone online who told me he had three kids and he was still living with his baby mama. The big red flag for me was that he wanted to date me without her knowing!!

^ Not a clue anywhere in there that he is just a cheating scumbag? I mean he pretty much told you so point blank. Don't even need to read between the lines here, it's smacking you in the face.

The thing is I'm feeling really guilty about it and I don't know if I did the right thing? I kinda liked the attention and I did really like him as a person, it was just his baggage I didn't like. He was prepared to do anything to get me to meet him and it was nice to feel special and wanted. I've been single for so long and I haven't been happy for years.

^ And this is your problem. How are you ever going to be happy if you keep getting involved with such utter scum? You want better life, start making better choices. Get some hard and fast standards in place - like he must be single, child free, have similar life goals as you do, date, get to know him, don't be a total wallflower expecting the guy to do all the work all the time, reciprocate, make sure that his words and actions match, do not sleep with him until a relationship and exclusivity is established, stay far away from guys who are chasing out of all proportion and professing undying love before they even know you from Suzie down the road, and for the love of all holy, stick to that list.

yeah he gave me the whole pity talk. Said he didn't mean to get his partner pregnant and stayed with her for the child's sake. Told me she wasn't his soulmate and he'd had to put his life on hold for 14 years for the sake of his children. Told me it must be fate that he met me that he's never wanted a woman so much etc etc...very convincing and very manipulative ....I felt very sorry for him and wanted to help but not get taken advantage of. I usually can tell most scumbags to get lost but he managed to get under my skin as he seemed very intelligent charming and genuine...even though my gut instinct was giving me bad vibes. I hate being rude and uncaring to anyone and always feel guilty about it, but sometimes it's worth it to protect yourself right?

I very rarely have feelings for someone so in this instance I tried to make excuses.

Always listen to you gut instinct.

No amount of attention is worth you having to go through all the heart ache this man will put you through.

Run for the hills as fast as you can

That's how these kind of low life's prey on women,they give them the sob story to suck them in.....don't fall for it. Of course he will tell u his missis isn't the one for him. All the while he will keep her and play u as well.

I hate being rude and uncaring...

Why? That's a quality that comes in handy sometimes. Practice it, nurture it... It's every persons right to be rude and uncaring when someone is trying to take a dump on you.

yeah he gave me the whole pity talk. Said he didn't mean to get his partner pregnant and stayed with her for the child's sake. Told me she wasn't his soulmate and he'd had to put his life on hold for 14 years for the sake of his children. Told me it must be fate that he met me that he's never wanted a woman so much etc etc...very convincing and very manipulative ....I felt very sorry for him and wanted to help but not get taken advantage of. I usually can tell most scumbags to get lost but he managed to get under my skin as he seemed very intelligent charming and genuine...even though my gut instinct was giving me bad vibes. I hate being rude and uncaring to anyone and always feel guilty about it, but sometimes it's worth it to protect yourself right?

 

I very rarely have feelings for someone so in this instance I tried to make excuses.

My point is there's a much deeper issue than the lies this guy gave you. He wasn't some master manipulator. You knew what was going on. You were simply tackling whether it would be worth the guilt. In the end, you made the right decision, but now you're inventing this image of him as some conniving savant to avoid acknowledging it was in fact the big issues you've got that led you to even consider this man knowing full well what he was.

You can't break into a car or house with good locks on it. When there is a door/window open it's easy. So, figure out what your vulnerabilities are to this type of thing and strengthen it. For example lonely? Bored? Depressed? Etc.

I usually can tell most scumbags to get lost but he managed to get under my skin

Did I do the right thing? Dating a guy with kids whos living with his baby mama

The 'right thing' would be to skip any further convo with such a guy as soon as you find this out.

If you avoid positioning yourself badly, then you can avoid feeling squirmy about getting yourself out of a bad position.

good advice, I will avoid such situations in the future.

No attention is always better than attention from scumbags.

I'm actually at a loss for words on this one.