Looking for advice on dealing with second marriage issues/feelings

Hi everyone. I'm kind of looking for stories/advice on how to manage my feelings as of late in my second marriage. First of all I love my wife very much and we both came into this marriage with kids. She has two 6 year olds and I have 3 older kids, two teenagers and a 9 year old. The way our schedules are with the kids other parents it works out to us having my kids every other weekend an 2 days during the week and her kids are with us a little more. It works out though because we have all our kids one weekend and then the next we have a free weekend with just the two of us.

What I have been having mixed feelings about lately is our relationships to our exes. My ex was Borderline Personality Disorder and has caused a lot of issues for us in the past but I have got to a point with her where I have placed the limits needed so she no longer has a chance to cause issues in my current marriage. If there's an issue, I deal with it and keep it away from my current relationship as should be and I have been very strict with her in regards to our divorce decree and what I'm responsible for and what she is. It's worked. My wife doesn't with her ex and it sounds stupid but lately I feel like the guy having sex with his wife instead of her husband. I know dumb but that's how I feel.

The reason is that this summer everything seems to have revolved around him and that relationship. I know that relationship will always be there for the kids and I don't want to get in the way of that but she just seems so overly concerned about his feelings. What I mean is she let's him take advantage of her because she doesn't want to get him "mad" as she puts it. So because of that he is off all the time with his new wife going on trips and telling her last minute that she needs to watch the kids. Or paying her $1300 every 3 months or so for support when he is supposed to pay her $1200 a month. All on his time too. His mother is dying as well so he is off ignoring her and my wife has taken over the role of taking care of his mother because he refuses to. He also never takes his kids half the time when they're with him and makes his sick mother watch them. Yet, he makes sure to Facetime 1 - 2 times a day, some time right in the middle of our dinner or when we area out doing something. So I have to see his face and hear him at the dinner table as we're eating. Kind of weird lol.

Aside from that her kids have been getting into baseball and other sports which is great but she never really talks to me about it. She talks to her ex and they decide it and then she tells me after the fact that they're signed up and we will be going to baseball every Saturday morning including our kid free weekends. Again, I know it's good for the kids but I feel like I had no part of that process. She will also invite her mother or father over every week and not tell me or run it by me. I get home after working a long day and they show up and she is just like oh ya they're stopping by. Again, I love her parents but it's like I have no part of things. Am I being stupid about this? Or if anyone has been in the same position before please give me some advice. Thanks.

Agree she need better boundaries with her ex and her parents. She needs to confine the ex to co-parenting issue only. His personal life, feelings etc. should no longer be her concern..

Would marriage counselling help by the getting the intervention of a professional who can outline clearly the co-parenting and ex as well as in-law boundaries? A therapist may be able to make it clear that the two of you are a team and that must take precedence.

she just seems so overly concerned about his feelings. What I mean is she let's him take advantage of her because she doesn't want to get him "mad" as she puts it. She will also invite her mother or father over every week and not tell me or run it by me.

Have you told your wife what you've told us here? If you have, what was her comeback? If you haven't, then I think you should. Particularly the part about how you're feeling that you're making love to HIS wife and not your own.

Thanks for the responses. I have discussed this before and while it seems she doesn't completely understand my resoning at times she will do it but then fall back to not doing it again. For example, when I asked her if the Facetiming could go on after dinner or at a set time each night so I could give them their privacy to do it and not be in the middle of it all she agreed but then slowly went back to taking the calls whenever to "get it out of the way" or not make him mad. The same goes for her parents. She would ask me for awhile and then go back to not. Also, she is constantly involved in her exes life in one way or another. Every morning the first thing she does is go on Facebook and check her exes new wife's page. She doesn't hide it from me but I'm serious when I say it happens every morning first thing. When I asked she said that she was just checking up on her kids but she does it on morning when they're with us as well. I have thought about counseling but I wouldn't even know how to approach that.

I have thought about counseling but I wouldn't even know how to approach that.

You could raise it in the context of needing help to manage your feelings about the stuff you've raised before, and it would help you become a better step-dad and father.

The premise that you're the one having the problem isn't exactly inaccurate, and it will usher you both into getting the help a lot easier than sounding accusatory toward her. Once in counseling you'll have an ally in helping her recognize what 'boundaries' even are and how to create them and manage them. It takes the onus off of you to be the 'bad guy' and can help to preserve your relationship without you needing to be the one who creates conflict.