11 years over.

My gf (L) of 11 years ended our relationship on Monday 18th July because she has feelings for someone we work with, a mutual friend. I am beyond heartbroken and devastated.

I should have seen this coming. We lived and worked on a caravan site cleaning part time. It was the perfect life by the sea. We escaped the 9-5 ratrace in March to move there because spending time together was more important than money or a career (she was a student nurse). Since May she has been getting closer to this other woman. When we first started, we worked together as a pair but as L got to know E she started seeking her out to work with instead of me. This wasn't a huge problem, I just asked her to be mindful how this change affected me, left me on my own. She said it wasn't wrong for her to have a friend, that I couldn't say who she could be friends with. I said she was twisting my words, she said that's how she felt.

It carried on and they continued getting closer, swapped numbers, E invited us to her house and the pub. We never went but my not wanting to caused arguments. I maintained she didn't really want me there but couldn't realistically just invite L when we were both supposedly her friends. I suspected E had feelings beyond friends, but never that L did.

It reached crisis point at the end of June and we returned home for make or break talks. I suggested separating, because it was too painful being continually sidelined for this new friend, and because I suspected E had feelings for L and L wasnt doing anything to discourage her. L said they were just friends, that she didn't want to split up and begged me to stay as she never wanted to lose me. She made an effort not to exclude me so much (but refused to distance herself from E at all continuing to text frequently, often hiding it) and things improved throughout the month and I thought were getting through it. Until Monday, when they spent the whole day working unecessarily exclusively together, and apparently enjoyed it immensely. It was Monday she told me.

She says she didn't realise, didn't notice her feelings until I pointed out her behaviour - eyes lighting up whenever E walked in the room, laughing and giggling like love struck teenagers, glued at the hip, E this, E that.

I said we could work through things, people often have feelings, they don't have to be acted on, we could cut contact with E, change shifts, move away, anything to focus on us. But she wants to act on them. She wants to see how things go with E, so I had no choice but to leave my home and job, partner and best friend and come back to my Mum's.

I don't know how to carry on.

The worst part is that L and I argued about having kids for years, she was categorically against them any which way. E has 7 aged 5-19. And E smokes but L despises that.

It didn't have to be this way. We could have talked last month and ended it mutually, it would have hurt less. The emotional betrayal, the jumping straight into a new thing...the denying any wrong doing because nothing physical happened, but I think emotional infidelity is still wrong if it's wanted and wanted to be acted on. I don't hurt any less because nothing physically happened.

Oh god this hurts so much. I am not eating or sleeping much, I can't concentrate. I have no friends and no support network. I can't stop crying. All our plans and hopes and dreams we had... Just last week we were discussing buying property, booking flights to the US, we had a lovely day out on Sunday.

How does someone go from wanting to spend all their time with you, to wanting to split up, inside 24 hours?!

It was our first and only relationship for both of us, 11 years is pretty much my entire adult life, we grew up together. I can't believe this has happened at all. We were supposed to grow old and grey together. Unbreakable.

Its been 10 days now and I'm still waking up in the early hours (4-5am) full of anxiety. It hits me all over again every time. I just can't get my head around it at all. I can't believe it's happened. I can't believe I'm not there any more. I can't believe we're not spending all our time together. I can't believe all our hopes and dreams and life plans have gone.

We moved 6 hours across country for the perfect life together. Because spending time together was more important than money, always. Life was all about spending time with the people you love. We had such an idyllic life there, only working 3 days a week so we had 4 days off together to go to the beach, walk the dog, go to tea rooms ad explore the coast. To just *be* No responsibilities to do anything that wasn't sure pleasure. I guess that was part of the problem.

The last 10 years have been varying degrees of hard. The first 4 years were relatively OK and we were happy. Then I lost my job, we moved away, we lost our house. She went to college and then uni so we struggled on one income for a long long time. Work was rubbish, her uni placement shifts were long and we never saw each other, we hated our rental property, the area we lived in....so we sought solace in each other. We rarely argued, always got on well and had nice times together and the time we spent together was a highlight. We were OK. I think.

When we moved our life was suddenly perfect. The best location, free time to spend on the beach, in the sun and fresh air, no financial worried and L even made a "friend " - maybe it became clear to her then that our relationship wasn't all that special. We still got on, had nice times, but when everything else was So Good maybe she realised there was more.

And before when we had contemplated separating we had always said being together was better than being alone in our rubbish lives, but we no longer had rubbish lives and she has a "friend" now maybe that gave her the strength to make the change.

I am trying SO hard to understand all this and learn where we went wrong. I need to understand. I accept we're over for good but I don't want to lose my best friend. We were primarily best friends and companions for most of our relationship, I think it is the loss of my ever present soul mate that is harder to accept that the end of the relationship. I thought we were it, forever and always.

Sorry for the essay writing here I have no friends and no support network at all and I desperately need to get my thoughts out to process.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It is painful to know how simple people's feelings can change if they don't keep their interaction in check and aren't willing to do so. You wonder if they intentionally knew that they were spending too much time together and choosing to do so anyway, or whether they were just really naive about how spending so much contact with one person can have an impact on their own feelings as well as a relationship. Regardless, in the end it doesn't really matter since they didn't treat it as a real concern when you raised up the issue. The emotional betrayal hurts more than the physical betrayal, since it's effectively the same as saying "I want this person's mind/soul/personality or alternatively I no longer feel that connection with you."

When the relationship is going well. I can't help but wonder why anybody would want to leave a situation like that. The only plausible reasons I can think of is that she just got too used to things, content but not entirely happy as how she imagined a relationship should be. It's possible that this connection with E isn't really a true connection especially given that you say that L hates smoking and everything in the long run. However that doesn't change the fact that in the short term, L has decided to choose this path.

Some people might think this is a case of the grass being greener on the other side and that she may return once she realises it's not. However, ask yourself this, if she wasn't content, why didn't she speak up sooner? why didn't she choose to invest more energy into your relationship to make it so that it sparkled like her relationship with E?

I am trying SO hard to understand all this and learn where we went wrong. I need to understand. I accept we're over for good but I don't want to lose my best friend.

Sometimes it's just the case where feelings just changed. It's insane but that's how emotions can be.

Knowing all of this, the only path forward is breaking off contact.

Take time to go through the emotions. There is no need to push yourself to throw away everything immediately (mementos) but accept that you won't be talking to her at least for a very long time. An 11 year relationship deserves it's mourning period, this is not something that will disappear within months.

The path of remaining friends is one that will lead to unhappiness (at least a year if not more) as you watch the connection decay. I have tried to stay friends in the past, even after accepting that the relationship is over, it's like experiencing the break up (except with a best friend this time) all over again when you realise what is happening.

Thank you for your reply Chon, I really appreciate your insight.

(I just lost the reply i spent ages typing)

Why didn't she say sooner if she was unhappy? She would say that she didn't didn't realise (it had been going on so long I guess) and that she didn't want to upset me. The underlying unhappiness made us both a bit grouchy and tetchy and we could be snappy with each other.

In May I remember we had a conversation with E about her relationship issues (she later ended it when L told her she had feelings she wanted to explore) She was saying how her girlfriend was always negative, always moaning and how it got her down. We both said life was too short to be with someone like that, but I did think briefly 'uh oh, I'm a bit like that' They talked a lot about Es relationship when I wasn't around, and I wonder whether in 'counselling' E she realised she had similar issues. Sometimes it's only in explaining something to someone else that you really understand it yourself. On Monday when I asked why we couldn't try agaib L said my behaviour/reactions sometimes dragged her down, same words. I said I'd try to change, she said I wouldn't. If I'd known how much it affected her I'd have done anything to learn and change, read books, seen a therapist etc I didn't realise that it bothered her behind the timespan of the disagreement/comment.

Why do you think staying friends will lead to more unhappiness? We were friends before, always friends first and foremost and always said we'd stay friends whatever happened.

We'd been mostly no contact apart from the odd text about practical things (sorting the house) to which I'd just get one word replies. Until Thursday. She rang to tell me she couldn't post my medication like she'd said she would. We came up with a solution, but she stayed on the phone for 20 minutes chatting about the family wedding I'd had to miss days before, what we'd been up to (she'd been a walk with E and kids, that was hard to hear but I'm glad she told me). Trying hard not to over analyse it: did she miss me? Was she seeing how a friendship could work? Was she testing how awkward it could be? Did she decide it was too strained,? There's no point over thinking. It is what it is. It was nice to hear from her. We are meeting at the house to start sorting our stuff on August 10th.

I accept it's over but I do wish it had happened differently. The emotional infidelity is the hard part. We agreed to separate in 2014 (agreed we loved each other but weren't "in love") and although we never moved out, we helped each other come to terms with the new dynamic, held each other when we cried, discussed suitable house shares and how we'd meet up for tea twice a week. I felt much stronger and able to cope. Hey ho. This is what it is too.

I am terrified of facing the future alone. My Mum is getting on, as is my dog. How will I cope on my own when something happens to them? She gave me courage and strength to face these things. I woke up at 2am today with hot/cold sweats and palpitations. I can't imagine a time when this will ever be easier. The massive gaping hole in my chest is all consuming. I don't know how to carry on.

Thank you for your reply Chon, I really appreciate your insight.

 

Why didn't she say sooner if she was unhappy? She would say that she didn't didn't realise (it had been going on so long I guess) and that she didn't want to upset me. The underlying unhappiness made us both a bit grouchy and tetchy and we could be snappy with each other.

 

On Monday when I asked why we couldn't try agaib L said my behaviour/reactions sometimes dragged her down, same words. I said I'd try to change, she said I wouldn't. If I'd known how much it affected her I'd have done anything to learn and change, read books, seen a therapist etc I didn't realise that it bothered her behind the timespan of the disagreement/comment.

I sort of feel this way with my current relationship of 6 years that ended quite recently too. I think it's all very well to see our own flaws in the relationship but we shouldn't forget that the other person is equally responsible for trying to improve things in the relationship. When she says that she only recently realised how she felt, I can't help but it would have been more accurate if she said, it's only recently that I've realised that this state of unhappiness isn't acceptable any more.

All I can ask at this point is, how much either of you try to improve things between each other? By not wanting to upset the other person initially when dealing with conflict just means that it'll all come back and explode in the end.

Why do you think staying friends will lead to more unhappiness? We were friends before, always friends first and foremost and always said we'd stay friends whatever happened.

You'll always be friends. They will always have a special place in your heart. If either person has a serious accident, chances are you'll be there for each other.

I think it's pretty rare for people to continue being close friends though. From my limited sample of relationships and my own experience, it seems like most people basically completely remove the other person from their lives, or the other person becomes an old friend/old flame. I still talk to my old crush (6 years of talking as "friends"), but it took ages to reach that point, and really I only talk to her a couple times per year. The transition period from talking daily, to talking to every odd month, to talking a couple times per year is tough. Breaking up a friendship felt harder for me because it I realised that I would no longer play an active friend in her life any more. 15 Years on now, I'm OK with what I have now with my connection with her now though.

I think it's also worth pointing out that it might not be the most ideal situation to remain as close friends with an Ex, especially out of respect for future relationships, but that's mostly my own personal philosophy. I know there are many people who feel differently and there are also lots of potential conflict and drama for the new partner as well in some unfortunate scenarios.

Did she miss me? Was she seeing how a friendship could work? Was she testing how awkward it could be? Did she decide it was too strained,? There's no point over thinking. It is what it is. It was nice to hear from her. We are meeting at the house to start sorting our stuff on August 10th.

It's a transition period. She'll miss you for quite a while but that doesn't mean that she necessarily wants to be back in the relationship. I think it's just a good idea to be prepared for the idea that the friendship may decay, however your experience could be totally different to mines.

I am terrified of facing the future alone. My Mum is getting on, as is my dog. How will I cope on my own when something happens to them? She gave me courage and strength to face these things. I woke up at 2am today with hot/cold sweats and palpitations. I can't imagine a time when this will ever be easier. The massive gaping hole in my chest is all consuming. I don't know how to carry on.

You sound like someone who has good emotional intelligence. I have no doubt that you will be able to move forward. There's no need to rush things, take all the time you need to heal from this.

Thank you again for your insight Chon, I do appreciate it.

Today has been Hard. I woke up around 4 and spent some time listening to positive thinking podcasts on YouTube so felt s little brighter this morning. This evening however, everything reminds me of her and us and I ended up wailing on my Mum's lap.

The friends thing: I was adamant I didn't want to lose her as a close friend. I thought maintaining some contact in that respect would make it easier. I have since decided that with friendship comes expectation, and I just don't trust her not to let me down. She used to be such a kind, caring, reliable and loyal person - now I barely recognise her. I had hoped that despite our relationship ending, she would stay true to herself and we could navigate the whole situation calmly and kindly, together. But she's not the person I loved anymore. The person I loved would never, ever cheat.

I decided this morning that I need to move on and let go. Staying friends is just allowing her to continue hurting me. It is still very very early days and that's too much to contemplate actually putting in to action yet, but at least I know which direction I've got to head in when I can start moving again.

I'm not very good at this no contact thing. I text her this morning and she eventually came out with:

"I didn't cheat! I'm sorry for what's happened but I couldn't have carried on how we were. I wasn't in love with you anymore, I know that's not nice to say but you're asking. No, I don't like smoking, its horrible but I do like E so obviously the good outweighs the bad. And actually, I don't not want kids. I just didn't want to have kids with you. That sounds mean but I didn't."

So that was nice to hear.

Emotional cheating is still cheating. If she wasn't happy and wanted out she should have said. She should have said before I moved to the other side of the country with her 4 months ago, that would've been a perfect clean break. But she didn't want to split up then, we were happy bumbling along together, well I thought we were.

This all just confirms to me that sges not the person I fell in love with, not the person with strong morals and who is loyal to the bone. That person is long gone. Which helps, in a way. I can't sit and pine for her when she's changed beyond recognition.

I just miss who she used to be and what we used to have.

Really sorry to read about your pain and apologies if this has already been mentioned (I have attention span of a gnat so not read all the comments), but I wouldnt think that she made the decision to leave you in the space of 24 hours nor would I imagine her feelings just went off in that space of time either. Things had probably been going wrong for a while and over time all the little things add up until one day you realise you don't want to be with that person anymore - the other woman may have just been in the right place at right time - your ex may not actually end up with this woman, as rebounds rarely survive.

What I'm trying to say is, people's feelings don't just end - its a drip drip effect.

I recently split from my bf of 3 years and this is what happened to us. It was mutual though.

I'm afraid the only way to feel better is to go through the pain - and as the old cliche goes - with time, the pain will lessen.

It's never nice, but I'm afraid lots of us go through this. I'm on my own too, in a place I don't like. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.

Take care

What I'm trying to say is, people's feelings don't just end - its a drip drip effect.

Thanks Silver Star. I know you're right.

We communicated more via text this morning than we have in years. Apparently she hasn't been happy for years and couldn't carry on any more like that. Easy for her to say now, to deflect from and justify her cheating. I have read a lot about the 'cheaters handbook' and how they all pretty much follow the same path, say the same things. She is exaggerating the perceived flaws in our relationship to gain sympathy and support for the 'really difficult decision' she had to make. She was so against cheating she can't bring herself to admit or accept she has broken her own moral code. She's replaced me already, the weekly routine we had of beach trips, coastal walls, tea rooms are all continuing with the other woman instead of me. She's slotted in seamlessly to my life.

If she was unhappy she should have talked to me. If she was that unhappy she should have left. We had talks in 2014 where we said we were no longer in love with each other, it was hard but mutual, nothing like the pain of the betrayal now. We bumbled along then and because we never argued, got on well and had lovely times together we continued living together, sleeping in the same bed, cuddling and companionship - it seemed to work, I thought we were happy. She instigated making plans for the future that included me. I'm not psychic, how was I supposed to know she never intended keeping those plans. She should have told me sooner, before cheating, before she had a get out plan, a plan B. She's a cheater, a liar and a coward.

I'm still just stumbling through, taking one day at a time. I'm trying to feel my feelings without acting or reacting. Just to let them come and go. And keeping busy, but that's hard as I have no money and know no-one here.

Oh god it hurts 😢