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Thread: JJ's Diary of Dating

  1. #21
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    Once again....major disappointment. It hurts less because I'm used to it at this point. But this time, things seemed like they might be different. Her personality wasn't quite what she portrayed...and, as usual (for me, lately)...she didn't look like her pictures. It was obviously her, but she just didn't look the same in real life. This has been happening to me quite a bit lately and it's become ultra frustrating. I'm at the point where I just can't get excited anymore for an online date. I think I'm done. There was a cute girl in the coffee shop yesterday and we spoke a bit, but she seemed like she had a bf so I didn't bother (most women I ask out in real life seem to have bfs).

    Life doesn't owe me a thing. I might not ever meet anyone. I just don't have the energy to go on so many flop first dates anymore. Have to somehow reconcile that...this might be the way things are gonna be for me. Everyone else I know seems to get it...have to somehow continue on alone while still being happy for them.

    F#*k online dating.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    I'm sorry. Frustrating.

    If I may
    1. I applaud the shift to not getting excited over first meets after on line introductions. It's too soon to get excited. Get excited AFTER the first meet, and then, only incrementally.

    2. It IS like having a 2nd job. I like my job, but sometimes, I need a break. That's okay.

    3. Friends are awesome. Dating makes me appreciate my friends. Thank goodness you have them. It keeps you from choosing the wrong gal.

    4. You're doing exactly what you want to be doing. Shopping, rejecting most, moving on. It's the natural outcome of knowing what you want.

    Hang in there JJ.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member faraday's Avatar
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    If I Could Be...JJ's Diary of Dating in NYC

    Do you think maybe you might put too much thought/emotion into a first meet?

    When I met people I didn't talk to them much or think about them before we met. I didn't have any expectations. I knew their names and their job title (to help keep track of them). That was it. I had no idea what their personalities were like, and I expected their pictures would be the best pictures they had of themselves (knowing they would be less good looking/ shorter/ weigh more/ and probably have a horrible laugh in rl)

    Kept expectations very low...set up a lot of meets (I met anyone who met my basic criteria)...met around 200 men, most of who if you had asked me his name a week later, I wouldn't have remembered it. When I turned up at a meet,i often had my phone out looking through his profile so I could remember what he looked like and what his name was. I just didn't care about someone before we'd met. I didn't care until a few dates in. It's a really good approach. The Internet will crush you otherwise.

    Idk. Just my thoughts.

    Sorry it didn't go as you expected.

  4. #24

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    Seerms the more I listen to people and read about people talk about online dating, the more I realise it just doesn't work, for the vast majority. Aside from a few extremely isolated examples. And that comes as no surprise really, considering the nature of it. Personally, this is why I refuse to do it, just seems like a waste of time to me.

    Originally Posted by faraday
    met around 200 men, most of who if you had asked me his name a week later, I wouldn't have remembered it.
    This demonstrates my point perfectly.

    I reckon you're much better off forming new social scenes somehow in real life.

    You said the coffee shop girl "seemed" to have a bf - maybe get some more coffee from there and find out?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member faraday's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Zaphod;6610555]Seerms the more I listen to people and read about people talk about online dating, the more I realise it just doesn't work, for the vast majority. Aside from a few extremely isolated examples. And that comes as no surprise really, considering the nature of it. Personally, this is why I refuse to do it, just seems like a waste of time to me.
    [\QUOTE]

    It took me many first meets, but last month I married a man I met on eHarmony. I met probably 230-250 men. I was his first meet. What a lucky jerk, right?

    If it was easy, everyone would do it. If finding the love of your life was simple, everyone would be blissfully happy and never single.

    I had many discouraging times with online dating. I cried. I learned a lot of painful truths about myself. I took breaks to centre myself. I realized at one point my self esteem was sh*t so I took time off to work on myself. After that, I realized it was just meeting someone....that's it. I stopped having expectations...and after I stopped having expectations I had a much easier time. A meet became nothing more than an errand to be completed.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Zaphod
    Seerms the more I listen to people and read about people talk about online dating, the more I realise it just doesn't work, for the vast majority. Aside from a few extremely isolated examples. And that comes as no surprise really, considering the nature of it. Personally, this is why I refuse to do it, just seems like a waste of time to me.



    This demonstrates my point perfectly.

    I reckon you're much better off forming new social scenes somehow in real life.

    You said the coffee shop girl "seemed" to have a bf - maybe get some more coffee from there and find out?
    Disagree with your conclusion.

    It does work, it also requires more up front effort.

    When we meet people IRL a number of little things happen organically that help us screen people. Friends - a big one. Common connections, shared neighborhoods, shared interests or choices of music/food/playgrounds/etc, a physical review of looks, style of dress, sound of voice, pose of shoulders and head, eye contact... all of that before even speaking. On the internet, we get almost none of that. We meet people to fill in those gaps as best we can, and we meet tons of them, creating over and over again the experience of meeting the woman in the coffee shop.

    It's effort, meeting people. The posters who can count them - I've never counted and have no idea. But the number sound more alarming than they are. A few years, 52 weekends in a year. An average of 1 man a week is completely believable, on average. In nearly two years, I've met two men who have stuck. Neither man I would have met any other way, both meet my qualifications. I have more about myself along the way than I could have without OLD. As a consequence of dating such a broad spectrum of men i have had to become better at many many things, and more self aware, and both of those gifts allow me to attract and choose a higher quality man.

    If I had stayed within my reach, my dating would have been limited to what I could reach. OLD is a powerful feedback system that allows us to grow in order to meet relationship goals.

    For easy sex, it is easy. For an LTR, it is hard work but fruitful.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Faraday, I feel like you and I said the same thing. Ha.

    JJ, it isn't you. It just IS. Churn through your meets like appointments on your calendar. You're a rock star. EXPECT to require more knowledge before thinking they are worthy of your excitement.

  9. #28

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    Sorry it didn't work out for you man, but I do agree that managing expectations for a first date (heck, even the first few) is a good way to go about doing things. I've met many people through the internet and very rarely do our expectations (however small) match the reality.

    Is this not a girl you could continue seeing? From reading your post it doesn't sound as if there was too much a-miss; in what way was her personality "not quite" how she portrayed online. In what way was she "not quite" resembling her pics? I only ask because it may shed some light as to how you're entering these dates, and we may perhaps be able to help.

  10. #29
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    Thank you all very much for the support. Really appreciate it!

    ITIC, I am doing much better with not getting too exited too soon. This time was a bit different because her communication was spot on (and she seemed very similar to me), and when I asked if her pictures were real (and explained that I'd been catfishes a few times recently, which is the truth), she said they were and that they were all recent. And yet, in real life, I'll be honest - she just wasn't as attractive. I've asked some close friends (including female friends) if my pictures are accurate (my profile photo on here is one of the ones in the mix, it was taken just a few weeks ago), and everyone says I look exactly the same in real life, except a tad younger. So I know I'm not leading anyone on with my profile, how I present myself, etc.

    ITIC and faraday - love both of your attitudes and what you said. I guess I really do have to reserve any kind of excitement for at least until after the first date. And this is why I'm starting to think I may just stop online dating and just hope that I meet someone in real life, because then, you don't have to wonder "are their pictures accurate" as you wait to meet them. My thing too is, faraday, I can't just meet tons of guys during the week the way you used to. I think your method is better in that you have maximum exposure, but I just don't have the time or energy anymore (not to mention that we as men are expected to pay the first date). Between work, the gym, seeing my friends and family, and just me being generally tired of dating, I can only do one new girl a week, max. This was my first new meet up in about three weeks.

    Last night, when the bill came ($55), I held out and waited for her to offer to pay half. After all, she decided she wanted to eat (I didn't, I already ate). So when she offered to pay half, I gladly accepted. I'm getting better at that at least lol

  11. #30
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    Some people look better in pictures and some people look better in person. It doesn't have to be a lie that she didn't look exactly like her picture.

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