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It's long, but please, I need all the help I can get.


OBenson

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I'm 32 years old and have been in a relationship for 6 years. My daughter and I live with my boyfriend in a very nice house that we bought together. We have had problems in the past but have been able to talk them out or take a break for a while from each other and figure it out. We have not had a major fight in three years. The little discussions that we have had weren't fights and were basically he or I saying that we needed to fix something. We're both pretty laid back. I consider myself pretty confident and not insecure in the least bit. I know he still talks to his ex sometimes and that they stayed friends. I'm the same with my ex. We're both really easy to get along with. I'm sometimes a brutally honest person and so is he. I'm a "don't sweat the small stuff" kind of person and let lots of things go. I only want to discuss something if its a deal breaker for me. I'm thinking that I know the answer to this problem already but I want to exhaust all my resources. That being said, here's the problem:

 

Three years ago we had our last big fight. I was gone for the weekend and he used my lap top to do a few things. He has his own lap top but it was in the living room and it was convenient for him to use mine in the bedroom. Did I care? No, he used it all the time. But this time he left his Facebook open on it with the messages left up as well. The one thing I saw immediately on the message was that he was saying stuff about me to his best friend's ex girl friend. Talking bad about me. It immediately flipped my switch. Usually I can sit on things for a while and negotiate with myself and figure out a way to see something from every angle. But, My Switch Was Flipped. I got mad and asked him about it. He accused me of snooping in his business. This was my laptop. I literally had no reason to snoop on anything of his. This was something that was right there for anyone to see. So he tells me that I'm freaking out over nothing, blah, blah, blah. I should point out that he hadn't flirted with her but the fact that he had talked so bad about me to this girl he barely knew made me sick to my stomach. We split for a while because he maintained he had not done anything wrong and we couldn't agree. We got back together eventually but had agreed to disagree on that subject.

 

He tells me at one point that his lap top is his laptop. He doesn't want me on it because he doesn't want to go through that whole mess again with me freaking out about a conversation that had no relevance. I buried it. Fine. In my head, we're going to make it work. We're going to do this. Forgive and forget.

 

Back in April, my mom accidentally got on his computer thinking it was mine and a porn site was up. She was embarrassed, I was embarrassed for her. She realized it wasn't my computer right away as I was walking into the room and I said "That's not mine!" She said Obviously! and turned it around so I could see. I laughed. She put the laptop down and went to the home computer in the dining room. I like porn myself so I give two s if he's looking at it. The problem was I saw that it wasn't just a porno site. It was a flickr account. Apparently Flickr has a whole under belly of women and men that are voyeuristic. You can friend people and see their private photos which are pornographic. I got curious, so I looked at it. Mainly, because I was intrigued, I didn't realize that was a thing! But then I realized that he had been communicating with some of the other people. Sending them messages. All of the msgs were sexually suggestive and he was complimenting the women on their "skills". It kind of hit me the wrong way but I sat on it for a while to see how long it would bother me. This didn't bother me for long. All of these people are states away and I could literally care less. Our sex life is good and I'm happy with it. Not affecting me or us in any way. It might have even helped our sex life a little bit (wink, wink) Like I said, not worried about him cheating. So I buried it. It went away. Not a big deal, I didn't say anything to him.

 

Flash forward to last week. We were streaming some UFC fights onto our smart TV from his laptop. He asks if he can use my laptop to do a few things, I say sure. No problem. He uses it. Gives it back. (He also uses my phone a lot. Again, I don't mind. I have nothing to hide from anyone.)

 

Now here we are today. He left to go with his brother somewhere and a storm was rolling in. My daughter was on the home desk top, his lap top was sitting open on an end table, and my computer was put away under the couch. I saw that he had just pulled in the drive way and I sat down at his laptop to look at the weather radar. He walked in, came over to me, and closed the laptop and told me to use my own. I thought he was kidding so I said I'm just looking at the weather and I started to pull the screen back up. He closes it on me again and takes it away. This didn't sit right with me almost immediately.

 

Number One: My immediate first thought was "What in the world?" He was genuinely mad at me for using his lap top. Then the anger hit me. No sitting on it for a while, no nothing. I asked him what he's hiding because in my mind, no one gets mad over "just nothing". Unless you're bat crazy...Then yeah. He says he's mad because he's asked me before not to use his lap top. Its the only thing he has that's his personally and I apparently don't listen. He doesn't want me on his laptop because of what happened three years ago when I saw the message that he sent to the other girl and freaked out.

 

Number Two: This is definitely a double standard. He can use my lap top. He can use my phone that has basically everything my lap top does. No. That doesn't sit well with me either.

 

So I make these points to him and he says If I would have just stayed off his laptop like he told me to, I wouldn't be upset that he told me to get off it. Blamed everything on me. My fault. My fault.

I'm not Ok with any of this.

 

I'm at a crossroads right now. For the first time, I'm questioning what to do.

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I'm going to give you my honest opinion even though I think you already know what I'm about to say.

First, I think you have every right to get mad at the first conversation (the fb with his friends ex) Why on earth is he talking smack about you? Why couldn't he just communicate and tell you things that bothers him? He's not a child! I know you may or may not think it's a big deal, but if it was me, that first break up would have been it. He's not apologetic about, yet he blames you for it? It makes no sense. You did not purposely look at the message. It was just on the screen of your laptop. Therefore that is not snooping. Yet, he made it out to be snooping. He's wrong for talking smack about you and he also made a mistake to not close his fb. That's all him, not you. Anyone would be upset if their partner is talking bad about them. It will make me question, why is he with me?

 

Second, I believe he has something to hide, why is he so defensive if you are using his laptop? You welcome him to yours and have no problems. The reason, you have nothing to hide. You are right, it's double standards. I understand he he wants something to be his and have his privacy but you don't always use his laptop. It's the 1 time and he's freaking out? Honestly, I don't see a big deal with you using his laptop. You are living together, you share a roof and he's making a big deal out of using a laptop? The question is, what does he have to hide? Why is he still in a relationship with you all this time? What is his problem? I really think you need to sit him down and have a serious heart to heart conversation. He needs to come clean and once he does, you will have to make a decision if you could accept whatever he's hidding . May I ask what type of stuff is he saying about you in the fb message with his friend's ex?

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I honestly can't remember what ALL was said verbatim but it was along the lines of we're having trouble getting along (which we weren't) and that I sometimes got on his nerves or acted crazy (funny how you can continue to be with someone and have sex with them when they get on your nerves)

Now, I sat him down and tried to talk about it. Nothing doing. He doesn't even want to try to see it from my point of view. He just says I'm being crazy over something stupid. I'm far from crazy. To be honest, I think more like a guy than I do a girl. I'm generally ok with alot of things. Like I said, we usually get along great. But it seems that when I have a problem with something and voice my opinion about it. he says I'm irrational and don't have a right to get mad about it.

I could even understand if he talked to his ex about us, or his best friends, but it was this chick that he barely knows. Even if we weren't getting along, our personal business is not her business.

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The thing that drives me nuts about this whole thing is that the same night three years ago that we fought about the girl, the very next morning... I was sleeping and I hear him by my side of the bed. I wake up and he's on my phone pissed off because he was trying to check the weather and I had a msg on there from an ex boyfriend and he couldn't get my phone unlocked. I asked what he was doing and he cocked off, "Well I was trying to check the weather but I don't know your pass code and the phone locked up!" He starts to walk out of the bedroom and says "By the way, there's a message from your ex on there! I don't know what he's messaging you for!" The message was innocent by the way. (Like I said before, we both are still friends with our exes) So I had to wait five minutes to open my phone because he had tried to unlock it so many times that my phone locked up. So here we are rehashing this three years later and he says that he doesn't know why I'm freaking out about the lap top thing and I say he would feel the same way. I say that he freaked out about a message on my phone years earlier and he says "I dont even remember that!"

 

Like good god, can we not just leave the past be??

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I honestly can't remember what ALL was said verbatim but it was along the lines of we're having trouble getting along (which we weren't) and that I sometimes got on his nerves (funny how you can continue to be with someone and have sex with them when they get on your nerves)

Now, I sat him down and tried to talk about it. Nothing doing. He doesn't even want to try to see it from my point of view. He just says I'm being crazy over something stupid. I'm far from crazy. To be honest, I think more like a guy than I do a girl. I'm generally ok with alot of things.

 

He should have talked with YOU about those things (the fb message) That is between you and him and your relationship. He's being very unfair to you. Are you okay with this type of treatment? You do sound very rational and not going crazy over things based on you OP. Maybe he's taking advantage of the fact that you always let things go. Somethings just can't be let go. He can't expect not to talk about it and then goes blaming you. The weird thing is, he's not even blaming you for what's present, he's blaming you for stuff that happened in the past. So ask yourself, are you okay with having a relationship with no communications like this? Where if something surface, he goes back to the past and it's okay to ignore it? To be honest, it would have drove me nuts. Even if I'm not crazy, his behavior would have drove me crazy!

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The thing that drives me nuts about this whole thing is that the same night three years ago that we fought about the girl, the very next morning... I was sleeping and I hear him by my side of the bed. I wake up and he's on my phone pissed off because he was trying to check the weather and I had a msg on there from an ex boyfriend and he couldn't get my phone unlocked. I asked what he was doing and he cocked off, "Well I was trying to check he ing weather but I don't know your pass code and the phone locked up!" He starts to walk out of the bedroom and says "By the way, there's a message from your ex on there! I don't know what the he's messaging for!" The message was innocent by the way. (Like I said before, we both are still friends with our exes) So I had to wait five minutes to open my phone because he had tried to unlock it so many times that my phone locked up. So here we are rehashing this three years later and he says that he doesn't know why I'm freaking out about the lap top thing and I say he would feel the same way. I say that he freaked out about a message on my phone years earlier and he says "I dont even remember that!"

 

Like good god, can we not just leave the past be??

 

It sounds to me at this point, you both need a break from each other. I always give the advice to others on here that it takes a lot to get back together once you break up. You both need to get over the initial relationship. As in the whole using each other's phone and laptops thing 3 years ago. It seems to me, you have let it go, but unfortunately, your bf is still set in it. He seems very stuck on it. Not sure what the problem is? He has to be willing to communicate, but he's just shutting out and answer you with he doesn't want the same thing to happen again? The ironic thing is, it's happening, but yet he doesn't want to talk about it. How about a break? Do you have anywhere to go stay for a while? Just to clear your mind and reflect on what's going on? maybe it will be good for your bf as well. Maybe he will be willing to talk after a break?

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We've taken two breaks in our 6 years together. We had a break right after that night three years ago. If I go this time, I'm gone for good. That's really what I'm struggling with.

 

Are you happy with the way things are? If he refuses to get over the past and not want to talk anything through, how long do you think that is going to last until you explode?

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Okay, he said some bad things about you on facebook he should not have said, and you saw it.

 

He's being honest with you when he does not want you to use his computer because he does not want another fight over private stuff you should not see.

 

The problem is, computers can be sort of like a diary.

 

Again, I understand he was a bad boy when he talked poorly of you. The truth is, men are sometimes not as skilled at this whole relationship thing........ he blabbed to someone else and never intended for you to see it. Maybe he had a tummy ache or a bad day at work. It's probably not the way he really feels. When it comes to relationships, talk is cheap but actions scream - you know he loves you. You have to understand something - women are usually better at this whole love and relationship game. Have pride in that, but consider cutting him a little slack. The truth: everyone makes off-handed remarks sometimes.

 

I understand you feel it's unfair, and it kinda is...... he can look at yours, but you can't look at his (do you see how silly this can sound, how petty it really is?)

 

I understand your knee-jerk reaction. But please, don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Look at his real intentions - he's trying to prevent strife for the benefit of the relationship. Isn't this ultimately a good thing? His heart is in the right place. You have to love the Neanderthal, ha-ha!

 

Please, take some time to cool down, this is a petty issue. You two sound like you have a fantastic relationship........ the best ones rarely have an argument and just discuss things, and you two are a shining example of that. Please don't throw it all away because of a fight once every three years!

 

Take a step back, see the forest from the trees, and breathe. You have to pick your battles. Not everything is a dealbreaker.

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He sounds very unreasonable. Complete double standards and untrustworthy. Another reason to never "play house" with just a bf/gf and no real show of commitment(ring/marriage). To that end, you've been together for 6 years-- what were the relationship goals? Why no progression to engagement/marriage?

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Okay, he said some bad things about you on facebook he should not have said, and you saw it.

 

He's being honest with you when he does not want you to use his computer because he does not want another fight over private stuff you should not see.

 

The problem is, computers can be sort of like a diary.

 

Again, I understand he was a bad boy when he talked poorly of you. The truth is, men are sometimes not as skilled at this whole relationship thing........ he blabbed to someone else and never intended for you to see it. Maybe he had a tummy ache or a bad day at work. It's probably not the way he really feels. When it comes to relationships, talk is cheap but actions scream - you know he loves you. You have to understand something - women are usually better at this whole love and relationship game. Have pride in that, but consider cutting him a little slack. The truth: everyone makes off-handed remarks sometimes.

 

I understand you feel it's unfair, and it kinda is...... he can look at yours, but you can't look at his (do you see how silly this can sound, how petty it really is?)

 

I understand your knee-jerk reaction. But please, don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Look at his real intentions - he's trying to prevent strife for the benefit of the relationship. Isn't this ultimately a good thing? His heart is in the right place. You have to love the Neanderthal, ha-ha!

 

Please, take some time to cool down, this is a petty issue. You two sound like you have a fantastic relationship........ the best ones rarely have an argument and just discuss things, and you two are a shinning example of that. Please don't throw it all away because of a fight once every three years!

 

 

This is terrible advice.

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Please, take some time to cool down, this is a petty issue. You two sound like you have a fantastic relationship........ the best ones rarely have an argument and just discuss things, and you two are a shining example of that. Please don't throw it all away because of a fight once every three years!

 

@Gary - I'm sorry but this is really bad advice for the OP's situation. The OP's issue is that her bf keeps blaming her about the same thing whenever a problem arises. The reason they don't argue is because she try to be rational and let things go. Her other issue is that he DOES NOT WANT TO DISCUSS things and brings up the past as an excuse.

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She says:

 

 

"We have not had a major fight in three years. The little discussions that we have had weren't fights and were basically he or I saying that we needed to fix something. We're both pretty laid back. I consider myself pretty confident and not insecure in the least bit."

 

- And she just revealed all the bad things that have happened in this relationship for SIX, LONG YEARS. What kind of relationship do you guys need to see, a perfect fairy-tail? Show me a better relationship. You won't find it. If you think you will you are dreamin'!

 

Listen, I understand why she's mad and had the knee-jerk reaction she has.... but seriously, this is petty stuff right now, as long as they don't blow it out of proportion.

 

Listen, when people get married and live together, shoe-horned into a tin-can day after day, even the best couples will have a handful of arguments per year. But that's not a reason for divorce, sheesh!

 

Some of you are too quick to throw in the towel. Nobody is perfect. Are you? I think some of you have some growing to do.

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I honestly can't remember what ALL was said verbatim but it was along the lines of we're having trouble getting along (which we weren't) and that I sometimes got on his nerves or acted crazy (funny how you can continue to be with someone and have sex with them when they get on your nerves)

Now, I sat him down and tried to talk about it. Nothing doing. He doesn't even want to try to see it from my point of view. He just says I'm being crazy over something stupid. I'm far from crazy. To be honest, I think more like a guy than I do a girl. I'm generally ok with alot of things. Like I said, we usually get along great. But it seems that when I have a problem with something and voice my opinion about it. he says I'm irrational and don't have a right to get mad about it.

I could even understand if he talked to his ex about us, or his best friends, but it was this chick that he barely knows. Even if we weren't getting along, our personal business is not her business.

 

The OP was keeping thingS rational so THEY DON'T fight. She's at the breaking point because he blew up at the fact that she used his laptop the 1 time to check the weather. Then he doesn't want to talk about it because of the past? How is that healthy? A person could only take so much before they blow up and she's pretty much saying she's at that point!

 

Exactly, your point is right, it's petty, it shouldn't have been blown out of proportion. The point is, he blew up at her. He could have just talk to her but he chooses not to, what is she suppose to do? He's blowing it out of proportion, not her. I never gave her the advice to throw in the towel, I told her maybe take a break to calm down and think it through.

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^^^^^^^^^ the quote you referenced was ONE argument in SIX YEARS of marriage.

 

 

My point is that just because a couple doesn't have an argument doesn't mean the relationship is healthy. Every relationship has problems and disagreements. It's how the couple deals with it is what makes it work. Keeping it in and just brushing things off, is not working things out. It's just avoiding an argument. I'm only trying to say, he won't talk to her about the problem. She's sick of letting things go. Her initial question was, what is she suppose to do?

 

That quote is from a response she gave me after I gave her my advice. I suggest you reading her responses to get a better understanding of the situation.

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We have lived together for four years. The first year was rocky but the last three things have gone incredibly well. We never question each other on anything and there is a huge amount of trust. We set goals. Live together for a couple of years renting (to make sure we could make it work). Buying (the house is in his name but I help with the bills). Then marriage. Then babies. I already have one so the goal was to do all of this by the time we're 35. We were on track on doing well for the last three, until this.

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@Gary - I'm sorry but this is really bad advice for the OP's situation. The OP's issue is that her bf keeps blaming her about the same thing whenever a problem arises. The reason they don't argue is because she try to be rational and let things go. Her other issue is that he DOES NOT WANT TO DISCUSS things and brings up the past as an excuse.

 

Exactly. I'm done living in the past.

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She says:

 

 

 

- And she just revealed all the bad things that have happened in this relationship for SIX, LONG YEARS. What kind of relationship do you guys need to see, a perfect fairy-tail? Show me a better relationship. You won't find it. If you think you will you are dreamin'!

 

Listen, I understand why she's mad and had the knee-jerk reaction she has.... but seriously, this is petty stuff right now, as long as they don't blow it out of proportion.

 

Listen, when people get married and live together, shoe-horned into a tin-can day after day, even the best couples will have a handful of arguments per year. But that's not a reason for divorce, sheesh!

 

Some of you are too quick to throw in the towel. Nobody is perfect. Are you? I think some of you have some growing to do.

 

We aren't married. Also, this is not "all the bad things". I wouldn't be here asking the ultimate question if it was just this one thing.

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I would suggest reading the most famous relationship book in the world, "Men are from mars, Women Are From Venus." It's about how, like it or not, men and women argue differently. Now, I don't agree with any of the author's other books, but this one is correct.

 

This book is on my "to read" list lol

You should read the book "He's just not that into you". Its comical but so true. And its basically my bible.

 

Gary, if you want to know the gist of it all, I'm so exhausted and my shoulders are heavy. I'm at my lowest point right now, because I love this person. But, the Beatles were wrong, Love is not all you need. I need support emotionally. I need respect. I definitely don't feel appreciated or like my opinion on some things matter. I understand that actions speak louder than words. It seems our whole relationship is based on that one thing. Actions. He hardly ever tells me he loves me, but I know he does. He works hard to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head. He takes good care of us physically. Physically, everything is fine.

Emotionally, I'm dying. The thing that is blowing my mind is that I'm not usually an emotional woman. I think its crazy to cry at the drop of a hat. Or to blow up on someone right away without looking at it from every angle. I'm usually confident in the fact that I know the right move to make at the right time. But right now, I sit here crying. My heart is breaking. I didn't even feel this way when my daughter's dad and I split. I'm at my wits end. I'm a smart woman who works a full time job and I can handle myself. He's the first person to understand that. I made a lot of changes for him that he wanted he to make. He literally recognized them two weeks ago and complimented me on it and last night during our fight he berated me for it. I'm just so exhausted. I don't have a voice in this relationship it seems.

I did finally tell him that I knew about the Flickr account and that I was at first ok with it. That I struggled to bury this one. But the more and more I think about it now, the sicker it makes me feel. He said he wouldn't stop doing it. He says its not wrong. He's not physically cheating on me.

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Personally, I'm a fan of separate personal electronics. When you're sharing an entire living space, it just feels like a little gift of privacy. The problem is the double standard. So don't have it. He gets to use his own devices just as you get to use your own. That prevents any resentment arising in that regard. The only time my girlfriend or I use each others' devices is if one's busted at the time. I never leave my own devices anywhere that need a ladder or some **** to get to, so it's not a big deal to get up and walk the 15 seconds.

 

I'm definitely not a fan of him holding an incident from three years ago over your head, though. And now you've revealed this flickr thing from awhile ago actually is an issue for you. I think it would benefit you both to consider couples counseling as there's obviously been some long-time resentment brewing within both of you that I'm not sure you'll be able to mediate among yourselves.

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Personally, I'm a fan of separate personal electronics. When you're sharing an entire living space, it just feels like a little gift of privacy. The problem is the double standard. So don't have it. He gets to use his own devices just as you get to use your own. That prevents any resentment arising in that regard. The only time my girlfriend or I use each others' devices is if one's busted at the time. I never leave my own devices anywhere that need a ladder or some **** to get to, so it's not a big deal to get up and walk the 15 seconds.

 

I'm definitely not a fan of him holding an incident from three years ago over your head, though. And now you've revealed this flickr thing from awhile ago actually is an issue for you. I think it would benefit you both to consider couples counseling as there's obviously been some long-time resentment brewing within both of you that I'm not sure you'll be able to mediate among yourselves.

 

I actually agreed to the separate electronic devices as well. But, when he started using mine, I just thought it was OK to use his too until he got mad. The Flickr thing really wasn't an issue at the time, but it seems that its starting to be part of a bigger problem and that's why it bothers me.

We can't mediate it ourselves. That's the problem. He can't even try to see something from my point of view. At least when he has a problem with something I've done I try to see it from his POV and fix it. It's like talking to a wall.

 

Unfortunately, couples counseling won't be a thing. He does not agree with that either. At this point, its handle it within myself and get over it or get out.

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