Need some serious insight from anyone willing to have the patience to read ALL.

Good morning everyone, I joined this form basically because of my current situation. It is going to be very very long and descriptive to help out anyone who can shed light on the situation, and anyone who will actually read ALL of this and give me the best advice they can I can't TELL you how appreciative I will be. **Cracks Knuckles** this is gonna cramp my hands but here we go, I've tried to talk to family about it and friends and no one tends to really understand exactly what I am feeling...

To keep names confidential I will refer to her as Jessica.

Here is a little back-ground of my situation and my own past to start:

I am 26 years old, and I am a loyal, never cheated, decent person that since I started dating at 14, I have had 2 major relationships in my life. Both of them close to 6 years each. One was 5. I am not the type to be a player or jump girl to girl and honestly have always just been looking for my life partner in this crazy world to tackle it, make something of it, and eventually find and marry my best friend. As I get closer to 30, the desire to eventually have kids and get married as I am an (old school) type of person. As you can imagine, the two break-ups of my two major relationships took a massive toll on my life and view on relationships in general. The second one ended as cliché as it is, walking in my own house I had been sharing with my ex of 6 years for 2 years in this house that I was a truck driver and paid for 90% of the bills to keep it operating smooth and came home late one night to her in our bed with another man. That really broke me. The girl I lost the V-Card to, or the first 5 years, ended up a very hostile relationship. She was a bit psycho with OCD issues and very possessive toward me and we fought for months on end before the split at the end, and during it we actually broke up like 5 times for just weeks at a time, but I had to leave her because she was too violent. She basically tried to ram me into an intersection with her dad's jeep at a red light.. so I had to cut it off. Again, never cheated, never will because I know the pain of that. In-between the two major ones, I dated a few different girls taking them to nice places, and trying to find that 'click' we all search for. Slept with some, some I didn't. Because I was freshly out of long-term relationships during those dates, my heart was very closed off, and slowly but surely I have become quite a bit of an alcoholic. The last relationship I was actually official in was with a girl I got with for 7 months, and we saw each other daily, and stayed over at each other's houses a lot. She was my last straw basically in my head, I was highly attracted to her physically, and got along with her and our personalities were pretty well matched. However, I had lost my job for ridiculous reasons, and still a deep part of my soul and heart will always miss the woman I spent 6 years with, had an apartment, and our own house and did everything you can imagine with. The thought of her, even though she cheated, the thought of her haunts me daily because we did have more amazing times and fun together then anyone Ive met. Of course I do understand no one will have a perfect relationship, and love is like a rollercoaster and its not how perfect or 'fake' you are to each other, what counts is HOW you can work through arguments and communicate. We did have very bad days/weeks some times, but over all I can't help my mind from always remembering the great things we had together. I guess because I bring her up is, it has been a year now since our split, and she has moved onto another man and has a job now (which she never did before) and seems to not care about us or saving anything we worked so long to earn.

Another quick story, I was dating a few girls and before I met the last girl of 7 months, I had only been dating her for about 3 weeks when my 6 year ex showed up at my door and cried and begged for me to take her back and she has changed, and she lost a lot of weight, was looking great, and said we can work through it and how sorry she was blah blah. So stupid me basically took her back, and we started officially dating again for about 3 weeks. The other girl (who ended up my girlfriend of 7 months) I stopped talking to even though we were dating for 3 weeks at that time in order to bring back my 6 year EX. Well, she thought it would be comical to ask me when I was drunk at 3 AM one night in my room in the twilight zone of half asleep/drunk who the best girl I slept with ever was after her. So I mumbled the girl I was dating right before she came back into my life, and wasn't thinking clear to realize she was digging for me to say 'No one baby, your always the best' - type of response. After she heard her name, half asleep she took a hard backed book and cracked me as hard as she could right in my face as I was asleep. Left a massive mark across my face, and I got up livid pissed off obviously and told her to get out of my house I'm done I never want you back in my life again. Then she tripped me on purpose out in the driveway and I chaffed up my knees and realized that it was a huge mistake to take her back at that point and said my goodbyes. That was a year ago. Well, about a week after that, I contacted the girl that I eventually had a 7 month solid relationship with, and basically told her I needed space at that time (didn't really express that I was 'giving my ex of 6 years another go' and she accepted it and we became official. She was a HEAVY smoker and I was still in a dark, low, unemployed, and alcoholic state of mind because it was all that could cut the edge off of all the drama going on. As time went on through our relationship, the drinking progressively got worse to a point where I was drunk every night she got off work. She was high as a kite all the time, but I tend to get angry and say mean when I'm drunk, (most likely from my deep past of a childhood and abuse or something) but long story short, she broke up with me after laying down an ultimatum that its either the booze or her. I told her I can't quit 'cold turkey' as my body has become addicted to it and I get the shakes without a drink at night.. but I'd agree to switch to beer for a lot more mellow buzz then plastered on booze. She agreed, but on super stressful nights/days of battling depression and things I would buy little mini-bottles and drink a few before she'd get home and I know its unfair to her, but I was lying in that sense because I told her only beer, but I hate beer first of all and it never gave me enough of a edge-killer. Well after her finding them in the trash can, she said she has had to many bad relationships with alcoholics and hiding things prove that I'd hide anything if I wanted (which I never do but I did that.) So she left me. I'm not a crazy stalker type or anything once a girl is officially over me, I'll try to communicate but if its a block wall, then I let it go.

So at this point in my life, I hit rock bottom and the drinking got really bad. Basically ended up with a DUI, (first offense) and I wasted my life on Facebook and doing nothing unemployed like a loser for a few more weeks or so maybe another month. My heart/soul at this point just felt black. Dead, and unable to care or open up to anyone anymore. So I decided that I will simply only ever 'date' girls, be nice, but be real, and not lie to them and explain I do drink heavy quite often, and if they wanted to date or go out for fun anywhere I'd always pay for it, and be a good person, drinking or not. So I talked to, and dated a few girls during this period of time.

Well here comes the Jessica story. I met her on a dating site, because I got tired of looking for girls at bars/clubs. It isn't the first time I met a girl through a dating site, but I tried it again. Well, here is where it gets very complex. I started dating her, she lived very close to me, and I got along with her personality very well. She accepted my drinking, and most people don't. She has accepted me and my personality pretty much 100%. Very rare to find, but its also fresh and new so who knows down the road where it will go. We laugh, and our humor styles are very close and just get along as friends perfectly. Well, I am the type of person to have more girls as friends then guys, and my heart honestly wasn't ready to move on from anything the time that I started dating her and was very closed off. Holding hands, or anything was awkward and I neglected her with affection like 80% of the time unless I was super drunk. We did everything and have done everything since we started dating from Las Vegas, beaches, fishing, camping, offroading, high class dining, etc. I've probably spent over 3,000$ on us doing things in a matter of 2 months. Well, in Las Vegas she got pretty drunk and broke down crying and said to me that she was falling in love with me and know that I'm always reminding her we aren't 'official' and she doesn't ever easily open up to tell anyone that but she can't help it with me. She has massive feelings and legit 'loves me.' This shocked and scared me at first because my heart wasn't in the place to open up to anything like that. I just told her its okay, feelings happen and nothing wrong expressing them. Well that made her cry harder because I didn't give her the response she wanted back. We weren't even boyfriend/girlfriend at the time, and I didn't want to lead her on, so that's why before that I always tried to nicely tell her keep in mind we aren't official. I was trying to feel her out and see if it would ever progress to a relationship or just good friends and she sprung that on me. My close friends say that they don't find it hard to believe she'd feel that way because of the lavish vacations and dinners and my 'natural suave' personality tends to draw people in fast. (even ex's of mine that just fell apart that I'd ask about it said this). So months have gone by, and for some reason I just can't feel the desire or want in any way to show affection, or even make much eye contact at all. After many many nights of dating, and complex feelings of sex getting involved, I talked to a few best friends about it. She had been posting all over my Facebook daily different meme's and pictures of us with hearts and calling me her 'handsome' and things like that daily... My friends told me, its rare to find someone who accepts you for who you are, that you can laugh with and really get along with and someone who obviously cares for you so you need to make her your girlfriend or cut ties and make it just friends. Well, she has a depression problem as well, and has said to me her biggest fear in the world is for me to one day come at her with the 'friends only' line. So well basically one drunk night out on a date, I took my good friends advice and asked her to be official. Of course she said yes. So now she is my 'girlfriend' but I rarely desire sex with her, and as sad as it is, the largest reason even though not to judge a book by its cover... is that I am not 'physically' attracted to her. She isn't ugly, but she has a few things about her physically that turn me off. Reading that I guess makes me sound selfish but that feeling you get when someone touches the back of your ear, or any annoying place any of you guys/girls might have where it gives you the 'heebie-jeebies' is how I feel around her when she wants to kiss or be affectionate. So I often lack eye contact, give pecks for kisses, and never ever advance a hand holding or anything on my own. She always has to initiate it, and has brought that up. I feel horrible about the whole thing because I don't know if making her my girlfriend was the right choice where I stand in my own life, and emotions, but I couldn't bare to let her down and cut ties just as friends. Well we have started to argue more often now, because there is something else she does that I clearly said I do not like. She thinks its 'cuuuuuuuute' to take random pictures of me just co-existing. Random, no posing, no selfies, nothing just the back of my head, me eating some messy food, anything and posting it to social media without my consent. After like 6 times of telling her this she continues to do it, and then not to be nosey but I went through her gallery and found like 20 pictures of me doing extremely random things like just walking down a hallway or something. I catch her with her phone out like she is my paparazzi or something daily and it caused a big argument the other night because she doesn't understand why I only want the 'highlights' of my life on social media. I said, umm... that is what everyone does!! No one just posts random pictures of them or their bf/gf doing something random and pointless and tagging it like 'the best man ever sooo handsome' when its the back of my head watching tv or something. I find it creepy and very weird. Tell me if I'm wrong there, but its weird as hell to me. She also is insecure about her body, and I told her that there's nothing to be insecure about, but she will wear jackets, sweaters, or anything to cover her body/arms up in the middle of this July baking heat. It looks awkward in public when I'm wearing board shorts and a tank-top and she's wearing winter clothes.

All in all, I just need some advice about this, because I've NEVER felt the way I feel about her to anyone. I LOVE her personality on the phone, or in person, and we get along, but if she scratches my back or tries to hold my hand it legit makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. She is also very clingy to me and has that 'needy' teenage girl voice to me a lot because I never give any affection. I just don't because when I do, it feels so fake and makes me just awkward and uncomfortable under my skin. Almost to a point of irritation!

Well, all comments, advice welcome. We are still currently 'together' but I honestly don't even mind it if we don't see each other for like 3-4 days straight when she's 5 mins away. Can someone with real knowledge on this shine light on what it is I'm feeling, going through, what I should do, and why it is that I feel this way???? I can't even answer it myself and usually my feelings are cut/clear to myself.

Thanks for all your time reading that, its weird and complex and I need some advice.

-Yours truly

What tuns you off about her physically? Because the fb stuff is just so cool.

something random and pointless and tagging it like 'the best man ever sooo handsome' when its the back of my head watching tv or something.

jessica. is infantile, needy and codependent. not a bad person. but a person predisposed for this kind of dynamic. she saw a guy drinking heavily and thought >this one is just as depressed, lonely, needy as me, thinks none of those women who "have their sheetz together" will want him anyway and is craving to be accepted and understood like me, and when he finds me perpetually sticking to him like a barnacle we will be in a sick symbiosis, unbreakable because we both know how unfit we are for healthy folks so we better stay together<. her stalking you with a camera and posting infatuated captions is idealizing the bond emphasizing how important it to be coupled. wrong that she posts when explicitly tell not but i don see why so bothered. pics sound good compared usual fakebook selfies duckfaces harry potter glassess against background of hipster tapistry cactii weener legs on beach partying checking in at olive garden as if life matching trend t only one fit for public eyes.>

you find the fb pics creepy (and a clingy oversized child would creep me out too), perhaps you're ashamed of this being publicized? well, you cocreate the dynamic. you avoid commitment, thus drawing to you only women who think they can convert your lonly hurt self through their selfless unconditional love and affection. you spoil them, which will attract gold diggers and those oversized kids who need to be daddied (yup.creepy.). you are codependent too, as you've collected quite a few of "no strings attached" women after the break up. you stay with a girl whose looks and proximity give you goosebumps, in a relationship you are ashamed of.

break up with her?

what would happen to you, if you were single for a year?

Your don't love nor respect her,,, have some savvy and let this"relationship" go,, you nor her deserve to be miserable nor play games with the other persons feelings,, take time out,, don't date,,, see what it's like just to be you,, get yourself sorted first!

Thanks for those replies. As for what I find unattractive... is she is, not her fault but.. sort of awkwardly proportioned. She has short hair, but wears extensions and doesn't know how to put them in because you can see from 20 feet away that they are extensions... she has an awkward condition of a lower chin-facial hair scruff (first time I ever noticed was after a few weeks and kissing), her hands are like twice the size of mine... (i dont have small hands by any means)... she has very long nails that are natural but never 'taken care of' and she has a large upper body, very small lower body and the body of someone who would typically have at least a C cup but is probably just a B. That is VERY judgmental of me to say all of that about her, but physically speaking its what I see. I am not perfect either, no one is, but those things stand out to me about it. As I said, yes it seems the best alternative to just move on and let it all go, but I have still developed emotions for her as great friends, and am confused if they are friend emotions or more. Sex confuses that as well I assume. Very well put though on the idea that she is co-dependent and sees another person as myself co-dependent because of my alcoholism... It is just very confusing because I have never felt that weird 'dont touch me' type feeling when she tries to scratch my back or just hold my hand or something. I can only legit 'deal' with it without feeling weird if I am damn near plastered. If I am sober then I don't even want to hug her its so weird. She also will NOT let me walk with her into ANY type of public establishment without having her arm locked around my arm. I've even got on the phone, or held a bag on the side shes on to avoid it because she wont even let me get a package or anything from a shelf without holding onto my arm as if everyone around us in public needs to 'see' that we are 'together'. Its soooooooo weird.

To answer the question as to what it would be like for me to lay back and be single for a year? I couldn't answer that. I've been dating and in a relationship for 12 years with a maximum of maybe a month in between.

It sounds like she thinks this is a relationship and you are thinking more fwb. Somehow you are both getting something out of this...sex, she tolerates alcoholism, she thinks she has a bf she can post on social media about, etc.

Do you think there is so much wrong with this that it's actually right?

I have still developed emotions for her as great friends. Sex confuses that as well I assume.