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My boyfriend doesn't believe I was raped by my ex.


Bluetiger19

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I've known my boyfriend since I was 8 years old. Our families were super close and I was head over heels for him. We recently got reconnected a few months ago and something sparked. We've been together for five months now and just recently everything's changed for the worse. Before my boyfriend I had dated a guy for about 6 months and things ended in bad terms we didn't talk for 3 months and we reconnected at the beginning of me and my boyfriends relationship. I hated him and expressed everything and we finally had closure. Here and there he would come by to pick some of his things I found in which I would tell my boyfriend he was coming and he didn't mind it just as long as I was careful. My ex wasn't the best of dudes and always tried something whenever he saw me but I always set him in place. About 3-4 weeks ago he came by while I was home alone to get the rest of his clothes that I had found in which we were fine at first, I had smoked before he came which I do here and there so I was super high and he noticed that. Every time he came I would always talk about how much I loved my boyfriend and how he made me so happy and he didn't like hearing it. Within five to ten minutes he advanced on me and I said no repeatedly and he wouldn't take no for an answer so he forced me to the bed by grabbing my wrists while I fought him and he placed all his weight on me, grabbing my wrists with his left hand and with his right violating me while I cried and said no.. Trying to fight him with my legs but had no match since he placed his legs with his weight on my thighs preventing me from getting away or hitting him. Taking off my pants. He turned me still holding my wrists, forcing himself in me not caring I was crying, fighting, and suffering. It felt like forever before it ended.. Once he finished I knew he was vulnerable so I pushed him off me and screamed at him to get out and I started throwing things at him til he did. I had never been so disgusted and overpowered and useless in my life. Within hours of that happening my ex started using it against me knowing how much I loved my boyfriend and loved my relationship to do his bidding and whatever he wanted. He was a dealer so he had to leave some of his stuff somewhere.. I was afraid of him saying something to my boyfriend so I did he wanted.. I was petrified to be honest with my boyfriend because I know he loved me so much and so did I to him.. About a week later I couldn't take it anymore the pain, the emptiness, and the guilt I had. What broke me was my ex clarified he was going to blackmail me that day since I was gonna sell his wooden cabinet to pay for the damage his dog did to my old apartment we lived in together. So I told my boyfriend what happened. He hasn't been the same since.. He's more cold towards me and doesn't believe me. Almost everyday he tells me I cheated on him. That he wanted proof. I went to the police and made a report a week after I told him. And gave them evidence which was my bed sheets. He still doesn't believe me. He wants to talk to my ex himself but I KNOW for a fact my ex won't admit to that. No guy admits to raping a girl.. He practically broke up with me today saying the only way to save this relationship is if he talked to my ex.. What should I do..?

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I am very sorry for your situation. Have you considered talking to a rape counsellor and the police? Your safety emotionally and physically is the primary concern here.

 

I am not sure your bf is the kind of partner you really want or need in your life.

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Did you go to the police?

What broke me was my ex clarified he was going to blackmail me that day since I was gonna sell his wooden cabinet to pay for the damage his dog did to my old apartment we lived in together. So I told my boyfriend what happened
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I'll first say that I do NOT believe your boyfriend should tell you that he doesn't believe you or that you weren't raped.

 

That said, I can understand how this could be a very difficult position for him. You were hanging out one-on-one and in your own home (apparently sometimes while inebriated) with a guy with whom your only relation was having dated for 6 months, a guy who you admit made advances every chance he got. This isn't blaming you for what he ended up doing to you, but simply to point out the questionable boundaries that might lead your boyfriend to be less willing to sift through the circumstances.

 

Again, I don't think it's right for your boyfriend to be saying it didn't happen. What I'd understand if he did and would much prefer he do is tell you that he simply can't provide you the kind of support you need, and leave you to pursue the legal and psychological support you need to get through this without holding you back with negative sentiments.

 

Personally, I'd like to think I'd be a bigger person, but while I definitely wouldn't voice any doubts, I'm not sure I'd stick around given the circumstances, especially it just being a few months into the relationship.

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I'm sorry this happened, but I'm not sure why you didn't report it immediately?

 

I used to volunteer as a crisis counsellor on a college campus. By far most of the young women and men who called in never reported it to the police. Sometimes it is shock (what just happened? Did something happen .... In the case of being drugged.) Sometimes fear of not being believed or having people support the other guy. On the college campus this was a big problem. Often it's not wanting to seen as a "rape victim" by others or by yourself.

 

People are more likely to believe you if you say you were robbed than raped, for example. And less likely to point out things you did to "instigate" getting robbed.

 

Just wanted to add those considerations.

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Goodbye bf.

 

I am sorry, it's a long time knowing one another.

 

Let go of anyone and everyone around you that is a net drain on you. Any friend who leaves you depleted more than energized is a friend who needs to be let go.

 

You are in charge of the care and feeding of you, above and before all others. Your job is to be an honest friend. Then hold your friends accountable for believing you and believing in you. i have no patience for this.

 

As J. man points out, your bf may be struggling with processing everything, wanting to put you on the defensive, etc. Those are his issues. Let him go.

 

For yourself, get some help processing that people can not be trusted with your physical and emotional safety. Always, these are your responsibilities. It's one of the tough truths that marks a shift from youth to adult.

 

Please be kind to yourself, and to your be too. But do put space between you. There is nothing constructive nor healthy in his response to this.

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I'm sorry this happened, but I'm not sure why you didn't report it immediately?

 

It is the fear of not being believed and the fear of becoming a pariah in society . Most cases of rape are never reported . And of those that are reported the perpetrator walks away .

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Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you went through that... I am not sure what I can say to comfort you, I too was sexually assaulted when I was in college, but I did not have a boyfriend at the time. No matter what you hear, you are the victim, you did NOTHING wrong to warrant the assault. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. I remember the sheer confusion, embarrassment, terror, pain, grief, and emptiness. I felt like I was stripped of my livelihood and part of myself died that day.

 

I know most people have asked why you didn't go to the police right away... but I will be honest, I never reported it. The only people I told where a friend of mine, my ex and my current boyfriend. My parents don't even know and the majority of my closest friends do not know. It is one of my darkest secrets.

 

It seems so simple... after something like that happens you immediately report it. But it is so much more complex than that. The feelings that I had afterwards were earth shattering... I was also intoxicated when it happened and also underage so I thought I would get in trouble for that. I also never wanted to face that individual again and wanted everything just to go away. I buried it so deep within my conscious so I would never have to deal with it.

 

I commend you for telling your boyfriend, but based on how he reacted, I would end that relationship immediately. You are going to have a long road of recovery and you need to surround yourself with people that are going to be supportive. I also recommend counseling.

 

It does get better. I am so much better than what happened that night.

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Nobody should ever report a crime believing they'll receive justice. Really, the only assurance from doing so is that it will be documented. Very few perpetrators of any violent crime are thrown in jail. According to the DOJ (United States), only like 4% of assaults and batteries will result in a felony conviction, with even fewer perpetrators actually being jailed as a result. Unfortunately, given the relative intangibility of many sexual assaults compared to other violent crimes, even fewer perpetrators of rape will experience jail time.

 

I don't really fault victims for not coming forward, but I would strongly encourage them at least make a statement ASAP and get the incident on file if they feel themselves able.

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I did not report.

 

My coping skills are extraordinary. Without me realizing it, I leapt right into self-protect mode. A year later, it was clear to me what it was AND I was able to say it to myself.

 

At the time of the incident, the word "rape" was so loaded that I couldn't use it, though it was obviously consistent with the events. My focus at that time was to get home, do my laundry, put myself back in order. I yelled at him a year later, it was the best I could do. I am sure it struck him as out of nowhere, I didn't care and didn't listen to whatever it was he said.

 

I am glad you had the clarity to report. I have understanding for the reaction of your bf - he's angry, he wishes it didn't happen, he wants to blame someone, you had porous boundaries and that contributed to you being vulnerable to an assault - all of those struggles are his own. Nothing should cause him to drive a wedge between you at the very time you need him on your team.

 

His reaction is not uncommon.

 

I have no patience for it and want him gone.

 

I am sorry for that added pain.

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My ( numerous ) assault was reported for me as I was a minor . And by the time it was reported there was no physical evidence . And really all they care about is physical evidence . Court was extremely harrowing and stressful as a 14-year-old . In 1981 there was no protection for a victim and no sympathy whatsoever . I had no choice in that matter .

 

Hopefully court has changed in the past 37 years .

 

But being raped does such a number on your self-esteem that when I was raped as an adult I did not even see it that way . It wasn't until I was in my later 40s that I realized I was raped at 19 . And no I did not report that one .

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My ( numerous ) assault was reported for me as I was a minor . And by the time it was reported there was no physical evidence . And really all they care about is physical evidence . Court was extremely harrowing and stressful as a 14-year-old . In 1981 there was no protection for a victim and no sympathy whatsoever . I had no choice in that matter .

 

Hopefully court has changed in the past 37 years .

 

But being raped does such a number on your self-esteem that when I was raped as an adult I did not even see it that way . It wasn't until I was in my later 40s that I realized I was raped at 19 . And no I did not report that one .

 

Thank you many x over for sharing.

 

I would like rape, specifically, to be standard high school curriculum. Imagine the parental uproar. Sigh.

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I am so sorry you went through this!

 

I can understand why you didn't report it right away. I never reported my very first boyfriend when I was 20 raping me to take my virginity which I was saving for marriage because I felt nobody would believe me even though I had much proof.

 

I'm glad you did report it. I always now encourage woman to report. It's worse when you don't! Even if all they get is a slap on the wrist at least the word is out there. I stayed silent until mid twenties when I broke down and was in extensive therapy for three years.

 

Your boyfriend should not be questioning you about whether or not you have been raped that is not his place!

 

You are better off without him!

 

Lisa

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Ugh, I am so sorry for everything that's happening. It really upsets me - if you told him your ex stole your wallet or keyed your car, he would believe you, but rape he doesn't believe?! It is a crime. I'm so sorry. Please see a rape counselor and yes, you may not want to be with this man anymore. You need someone who has your back and believes you and supports and loves you.

 

hang in there. hugs.

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Goodbye bf.

 

Yeah. You're having a crisis and he's worrying about himself. This situation is difficult enough for you without his excess baggage. I'm really sorry this happened to you, and sorrier still that your boyfriend is so self-centered on top of everything else. Nauseating. But now you see what kind of person he is.

 

Anyway, take good care to surround yourself with the people who really do care for you.

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