The back n forth guy. Please help!

I have a dilemma that is driving me crazy. I really need some advice badly! Feel like im goin mad as i dont know what to do! Ill try and keep it short as poss -So excactly a year ago i started seeing a guy. He was nice at first (arent they always) and we had amazing chemistry.i shouldve probably known what was on his mind when he asked me to stay at his after the first date we had. We have been 'seeing evhother' if u can call it that,on and off for the past year, during which there have been numerous times that he has suddenly stopped measaging me only to resume texting weeks later. EAch time he seems to just think we cN pick up where we left off. But i feel hurt because i had actual feelings for him. Sometimes leading up to these bouts of not talking weve argues etc, usually because i ask him where i stand. His answer is usually that he likes me and wants to keep seeing each other and see how we go. About a Month ago, i was fed up not knowing what was happening. I was fed up feeling so clueless. I figured with it coming up to a year, he shud know what he wanted by now, so i asked him was it going to turn into something or was it just sex to him and told him i cudnt do the just sex thing anymore, tht i hd feelings for him And wanted more. He said the usual, lets keep meeting and see how it goes but that it wasnt just about sex. The next morning he text me a few explicit texts saying he cudnt wait to do 'stuff' with me next time he saw me etc. Needless to say this didnt do much to convince me it wasnt just about sex. I asked him again bwhere i stood only to be met with him avoiding the question. So i deleted him from my life. From my phone , facebook, everything and started to move on.didnt hear anything for a few weeks. I figures after a year he wud know if he wanted me and clearly he didnt cause he wasnt soing anythin about it.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. He is back messaging me, adding me on facebook.i added him because i thought to myself im over this we can speak again and be pals. Somehow he has managed to wangle his way back in being nice again and i do still hAve feelings for him. But i told him i needed time to think about stuff before i would think about letting him back in. At first this was fine but it ended up in an arguement becAuse he said i was messing him around, so i said we cud meet up in a few days when he got back from working away. and talk about things and he said fine because he didnt want to discuss anything else by msg. The last few days ive been really really busy at work so have only had a chance to msg him now and again a quick msg. Last night he text me going nuts saying im leading him on, blanking him, giving him silent treatment etc. I tried to explin tht was just really busy and waiting to chat face to face properly and got annoyed but he said i was playing games and shud decide what i want. He wudnt hear my point of view and i am left feeling terrible because i feel he has a cheek to be saying things like this when he hs taken so long tonmake his mind up over me.

I am stuck, this is messing with my head, is there a chance he has changed or will i start dating him again only to gondown the same route again because he only wants one thing? Do i stop taking him back? Need outsider points of view!

Any advice / brutal honestly would be great!

Unfortunately it sounds like he is stringing you along in a fwb type situation. Yes, dump him if you want an exclusive relationship. He is 'messing with your head' because of this limbo. Get on some dating apps and message meet guys who want the same things you do.

Sometimes leading up to these bouts of not talking weve argues etc, usually because i ask him where i stand. His answer is usually that he likes me and wants to keep seeing each other and see how we go.

He has used you for sex for a year straight, nothing more. He is angry now because he is horny and you won't give in. Of course he is going to be nice when he wants a booty call..how else can he convince you to get in bed? If you've got any self respect you will block him and find a man who values you and won't want to just have you on your back whenever he pleases. This man has done nothing but string you along,and it really is shameful how he keeps saying to keep seeing each other an see where it goes....you know where it goes...to his bed and nothing more.

Interestingly enough, you're more than likely not the only one he's bedding.

Please, do yourself a favour and find a man who will be in a proper relationship with you and wants to be in a serious committed and loving relationship. This man sounds like a total player.

Somehow he has managed to wangle his way back in being nice again and i do still hAve feelings for him.

Obviously it's not a serious relationship for him, he does not want what you want, it's not a match.

When people break up, the rejectie's love level goes up temporarily and then you break up because they will never change from a romantic standpoint - plus you sanctioned the behavior because you took him back...... one pulls away, the other comes forward. This can happen again and again. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

Ironically, crazy is defined as doing something over and over and expecting different results.

Find someone you are compatible with and get off the roller coaster ride to nowhere.

Thanks for the advice guys. Youre all right. He keeps saying he wants to talk to me on the phone properly or meet up and sort things out and part of me thinks itll be my fault if i dont speak to him on the phone, but i dont feel comfy doing so because when we text he will rant on about his point of view but never takes in my point of view.

Also, he says that it was mutual tht we didnt keep in touch all the times we stopped talking because i didnt make the effort to get in touch with him either. But theres only so many times u will text someone sho stops texting u before u feel like a mug.

Youd think if he genuinwly changed and wanted to make something of this now he would have said so. I asked him yesterday what he wanted from seeing me again. He said a meal a drink and some chat. Then i said no thats not how i mean, to which he replied 'im not after just sex if thats what u mean, id like to see you again and talk it out and see if we want to keep seeing eachother and see how we go' i mean, at this stage this is still the reply?!?! 🙄

Also i asked him why he stopped talking to me etc to which he said it just wasnt the right time to be seeing someone and that he had personal stuff going on but that was all sorted now. Secret code for 'i was actually bedding someone else but thats over now' ? Do u reckon? 😜

Yes, on/off often means sleeping with others. Text him 'It's not working out" Then block him.

Also i asked him why he stopped talking to me etc to which he said it just wasnt the right time to be seeing someone and that he had personal stuff going on

he's not listening to your side of things. Basically he doesn't want to. As for him saying you mutually stopped texting...again, lame. Of course you're not going to keep texting someone who isn't bothered to text you back. This man sure knows what he's doing.

And again, he is going to say what he feels he needs to say in order to get you right back where you were before, funny he mentioned it's not just for sex...he obviously knows that how it looks and wants to again, pull the wool over your eyes. But it's obvious to anyone that he is only reeling you back in for sex, but has no intentions otherwise.

If you truly want a proper answer...ask him straight out..."Do you want to be in a committed relationship with me? " I can tell you he will reply again avoiding a straight answer and will give you the run around. Seriously...text him this question and if he is serious at all, he will say yes....if he gives you any other answer, stop wasting your time.

I know you really really want him to tell you something differently and you want him to care more for you than he does, but the only one who is going to end up being hurt again, is you. This man is stringing you along, put your foot down....a year is far too long to be played with.

Out of curiosity, how old are both of you?

I am stuck, this is messing with my head, is there a chance he has changed or will i start dating him again only to gondown the same route again because he only wants one thing? Do i stop taking him back? Need outsider points of view!

Obviously, this is a case of what you see is what you get. It's high time to get off this merry-go-round, and reclaim your self-respect. I have to ask, how is he able to communicate with you after you blocked him?

Another question, are you afraid of being alone?

Back and forth = not that into you.

That's really all there is to it. The only reason it's messing with your head is because you don't want to accept that he is not that into you, so you cling to any sign of "progress", which is quite normal on your part, BUT really not good for you at the same time. Just drop him and block him. Preserve your sanity and self respect.

You say " EAch time he seems to just think we cN pick up where we left off.". The trouble is, there is a reason why he seemed to think you could pick up where you left off each time he came back, and that reason is you. You taught him that it was ok to be doing this back and forth and to use you for sex, by taking him back every time he decided to grace you with his presence. You took him back, gave him sex, settled for the poor treatment he was giving you, and all you did to stand up for yourself was weakly complain, which he skillfully dismissed by starting fights with you.

This is not how you handle a guy like him. You should have given him the boot the second you saw the pattern, and made it known in no uncertain terms that you were not going to be his f*ck buddy, and that if he didn't start treating you with respect you were not going to see him anymore. Yes, he would have left at that point, because clearly he doesn't want anything serious with you, but wouldn't that have been better than all this back and forth?

Never be afraid to speak up for fear you'd lose them, I had to learn this too the hard way. If you lose them after speaking up, they were not yours anyway and they were not going to stay.

He hasn't changed, I'm sure of that. But since it's human nature to want to see for yourself, I know you'll cave and talk to him again. So, all you have to do now is keep sex off the table. Be strong, for once. You can hang out with him, sure, let him take you out, plan dates, do what any man who is interested in a woman does - IF he is interested and if indeed he's changed. Let him show you with his actions that he changed. Do not have sex with him for at least 3 months, no matter what kind of pressure he may put on you or how much he tries to persuade you. This is all you need to do, if you want to see where his head is at. Tell him that you want to get to know each other properly this time, and that sex doesn't belong in the equation until you figure out whether you two are on the same page this time.

It's really easy, all you need is some self restraint!

Also i asked him why he stopped talking to me etc to which he said it just wasnt the right time to be seeing someone and that he had personal stuff going on but that was all sorted now. Secret code for 'i was actually bedding someone else but thats over now' ? Do u reckon? 😜

I would text him back and say, "I (as in you) have personal stuff to deal with at the moment, this isn't going to work"! He should understand that line best because he used it on you. Therefore, he has nothing to argue back with. Honestly, I don't mean to judge but this guy is a jerk, he knew he got away from no strings attached sex for a year. Now he's testing to see if if he could still get away with it. You asked him more than once, if he wants a relationship. His answer was never really a answer. First off, do you want a relationship with a wishy washy guy? Probably not, it will drive you crazy down the road.

You were doing a good thing for yourself when you blocked and did N/C, you don't owe him anything, do it again. He's just trying everything he can to mess with you mind. I had a guy did that to me for 2 years. It's 2 years of my life that I could never get back. The aftermath of it, I was jaded, and my mind was so frazzled. These types of guys love to push further to see how far they could go. It's a matter of time when he find another person to have sex it, he will stop messaging you again. Don't fall for it. You are too good for this type of treatment. Spend this time to get over him and find someone else whom WANTS to be with you. Whom could give you what you deserve. Don't settle for beast when you could get a prince.

Hi thanks for ur answer. No im not afraid of being alone. I felt great and free from worry until he came back and started getting inside my head again.im not sure why i let him tbh.

I know though when i end it and block him im going to be the bad one and ill be the for 'leading him on' by agreeing to meet again then ending it. but if i guess he genuinely wanted this we wouldnt be in this position amyway .

Obviously, this is a case of what you see is what you get. It's high time to get off this merry-go-round, and reclaim your self-respect. I have to ask, how is he able to communicate with you after you blocked him?

 

Another question, are you afraid of being alone?

Hi thanks for ur answer. No im not afraid of being alone. I felt great and free from worry until he came back and started getting inside my head again.im not sure why i let him tbh.

I know though when i end it and block him im going to be the bad one and ill be the for 'leading him on' by agreeing to meet again then ending it. but if i guess he genuinely wanted this we wouldnt be in this position amyway .

Why are you afraid of him? Who cares what he thinks? You text him it's not working out and then block from everywhere so you won't be hearing from him anyway, right?

when i end it and block him im going to be the bad one and ill be the for 'leading him on' by agreeing to meet again then ending it.

Out of curiosity, how old are both of you?

Hi we are both 31. He has two children. Im not sure if this has anything to do with why he is being like this but considering every other person with kids manages to date alright i doub it.

Why are you afraid of him? Who cares what he thinks? You text him it's not working out and then block from everywhere so you won't be hearing from him anyway, right?

Youre right, he didnt care wht i was thinking when he did it to me i guess!

I was in one of those for six years, trust me when I tell you that you do not want to waste that much time on anyone. And it is a waste of time. He likely has a string of women, and he stops with you when he thinks he has someone else on the horizon. Then when they go or it blows up or he decides he doesn't like them he comes back to you. You are the back burner port in a storm to boost his ego and give him the confidence to eventually go looking for more.

He will never give you a straight answer, and even if he does it'll be a lie. Bottom line, people who are ready to commit and really into you do so fairly quickly, they don't keep blowing hot and cold. People who see other people as commodities to be used and traded, they pull the kind of crap you're describing.

My ex taught me it's okay to give someone a second chance, but beyond that no. You need to put your own boundaries in place and decide right now if you are willing to have him jerk you around and for how long, because yes now that he's done it several times and sees you still take him back he has already in his head relegated you to Ms. Backup. He was never that interested to begin with, BUT he is not at all averse to hoovering you back in repeatedly whenever he needs something from you.

You can keep playing this game and expecting a different result, but it's not going to happen. Someone sane and emotionally healthy never starts out wishy-washy, messes another person about, comes up with weak excuses for why they disappear and reappear. People with serious problems who can't and don't want to formulate something lasting and sane and good will pull this.

Do yourself a giant favor, just tell him you're over his crap, block and delete him, don't respond no matter what he tells you (especially when he lays on the flattery and the this is exactly what you want him to say crap) because if you do he will do it to you all over again.

I recognize the pattern of behavior and it IS a pattern of behavior for whatever reason, and he doesn't want to change it. So you're going to have to change your behavior, which means you will eventually (hopefully, 'cause it'll really suck if you're in your 80s and you realize you wasted an entire life on this guy) decide you've had enough of wishy washy maybe maybe, gone again, hot and cold and you just shut the door altogether.

Put it another way. Would you give a car salesman the time of day at this point if you'd gone to buy a car you wanted, and he kept promising to sell it to you, only to then tell you he wasn't going to sell it or had to sell it to someone else, only to come back around and say, "I'm selling that car to you again, I promise!" Only to again refuse to sell you the car? Nope, you'd say to yourself, "What a nutbar and go get another car now wouldn't you."

Same exact thing here, the very same exact thing. I cannot stress that enough. I've been there. He's a con selling you on a dream he has no intentions of ever giving you. Don't p*ss away years of your life on this one, because what you already have is all you're ever going to get.

I would text him back and say, "I (as in you) have personal stuff to deal with at the moment, this isn't going to work"! He should understand that line best because he used it on you. Therefore, he has nothing to argue back with. Honestly, I don't mean to judge but this guy is a jerk, he knew he got away from no strings attached sex for a year. Now he's testing to see if if he could still get away with it. You asked him more than once, if he wants a relationship. His answer was never really a answer. First off, do you want a relationship with a wishy washy guy? Probably not, it will drive you crazy down the road.

 

You were doing a good thing for yourself when you blocked and did N/C, you don't owe him anything, do it again. He's just trying everything he can to mess with you mind. I had a guy did that to me for 2 years. It's 2 years of my life that I could never get back. The aftermath of it, I was jaded, and my mind was so frazzled. These types of guys love to push further to see how far they could go. It's a matter of time when he find another person to have sex it, he will stop messaging you again. Don't fall for it. You are too good for this type of treatment. Spend this time to get over him and find someone else whom WANTS to be with you. Whom could give you what you deserve. Don't settle for beast when you could get a prince.

Can i ask how u ended it or what happened in the end with your situation?

You're a booty call to this guy. Sorry, but this should be evident.

Thus guy is not your "pal." Why would you want to be friends with someone who treated you so poorly?

This guy does not care about, or respect you.

Time to instill some boundaries and self-respect. You can start by going NC.

*update*

Thank u everyone for ur replies. I sent him a facebook msg last night and said that this wasnt working and i need to make a clean break because after all this time this was never gona b a relationship . Then i blocked him. I didnt expect him to give a crap or get back to me so i didnt block his phone nunber and woke up to a text this morning saying i could hve been nicer and told him this face to face.

, tht he thought i was one of the nicer girls but ive just been stringing him along for the last few weeks. And that at least we know where we stand now.

Then a few mins later comes a text to say meet me tomorrow night so we can talk.

?! Think maybe its a bit late for that!?

Needless to say im being made out to be the bad person!

Needless to say im being made out to be the bad person!

Who cares? You know the truth and so does he. Block him on your phone and move on.

Pfft this is exactly the reaction of guys like him, I've seen it so many times it's not even funny! Yes, the moment you are no longer at their beck and call, they play victim and they make you out to be the bad guy - always. What he wants is to keep you hooked, because he wants to have the last word, not you. Plus, he still wants the sex, because I'm guessing he hasn't found anyone else willing to put up with his shenanigans and replace you.

I hope you're smart and tell him there is nothing to talk about, you are just no longer interested and that's that. Nothing has changed, give him time and he will once again be the same SOB he's been since you've known him. If you give in again, the back and forth will continue, until you finally man up and end it for good. By meeting with him, you are prolonging your own suffering. But it's up to you.