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Thread: 35 y female confused and lost

  1. #1

    35 y female confused and lost

    I do have a current concern and don't know what to do.
    I have been living with my current bf for about a year now. We are head over heels in love with each other. We were friends for a few months before becoming romantically involved however once we did there was no turning back as we were each other's best friends who are now sexual partners. It's a sweet spot for sure.
    We have so much fun together and are into all the same things. Yoga, dancing, real estate etc. We see each other for the most part of each day or are connected in some way during the day because of our similar schedules.
    He is in between from being a successful realtor to trying a new career path which he doesn't know what that is yet. Maybe a business venture or living in another country, both of which excite me also.
    I am 35 now, him 38 and we had a talk a while back about things we are looking for in life, marriage and children. Both of which said are things he's looking for also! I have been investing a fair amount of time and energy into the relationship. About half a year ago after getting a surgery for my endometriosis I brought up how having a family is very important to me. He agreed and said it is for him also. I suggested given we both want the same thing, my condition and age that we plan a timeline. We both agreed to Sept for trying for a baby. I checked in to make sure he is certain as its a big step, he was consistent with his response of yes he is ready.
    He did tell me that marriage before children is what he wants. I said it would be awesome to have that also. Our one year anniversary came along where we took off to the Rockies together and climbed a mountain together. On the way back from our trip he said he isn't ready for children or marriage.
    I was and am crushed. We talked about it at great length for the past month however the message is consistent. He says he loves me, Im his soul mate, he wants children with me... Just not NOW. He said it's because he wants to have the new career venture ready and perhaps some more traveling together before we get engaged. He says he doesn't feel ready and cannot provide a timeline for me. I am left confused and worried as I'm 35 and am ready for marriage and children.
    I don't know what to think or do at this point as I'm so confused and hurt with his sudden change.
    Help
    Any advice ?

    Alexis

  2. #2
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    Is he currently employed?

    If not, it would be irresponsible of him to become a parent until he is working.

  3. #3
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Is he currently employed?

    If not, it would be irresponsible of him to become a parent until he is working.
    He is self made. Money is not a concern for either of us.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member FreedomRing's Avatar
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    I don't see anyway around it - you staying will be just wasting your time. The crucial part is that he gave you no timeline whatsoever as to when he might be ready. A career change is difficult even when you KNOW what it is you want to do; he still needs to sort that part out. Could be YEARS. Finally, the clincher for me, would be that he took marriage off the table too. You don't need money to say ' I do". You don't have the time to waste at 35.... I would leave 😒

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member missmarple's Avatar
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    I wouldn't stay with him if I really wanted to have kids (or get married or both). I might if I were 25. At 35, I'd walk.

  7. #6
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    So, you have endo and he knows this and has back tracked on not only kids but marriage? That is a bad, bad sign. This is going to be hard but sit down, discuss things...you can't be left hanging like this. I'm adamant that he may not be ready and is looking for excuses. If money isn't an issue, what the hell is the problem? I'd run. Don't wait on any man, you'll end up regretting it. This isn't something you can wait around for, i'd be quite angry that he's giving you a specific time and then taking that back. him. He's messing you around. Perhaps, in the meantime, look into options with fertility-cryopreservation for later on...don't waste your time, have a talk, if he cannot take this seriously, get out.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Heather Dawn's Avatar
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    Yikes.

    How long have you been together? (I know you've been living together for a year, but how long have you been a couple?)

    I'd be very upset that he kept saying he was ready, only to turn around at crunch time and tell you he's not. He's not only hurt you, he's wasted your time.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are rushing him and he is stalling about the marriage/ kids interest.
    Originally Posted by Alexis1981
    he said he isn't ready for children or marriage. I was and am crushed. He says he loves me, Im his soul mate, he wants children with me... Just not NOW. He said it's because he wants to have the new career venture ready and perhaps some more traveling together before we get engaged.

  10. #9
    Yes I have made an appointment to get my eggs frozen. Initially I went in to get the procedure about a year ago, I delayed as he agreed to have children as it costs about $10K here in Canada. he is on a vacation now until the end of the week, when he comes back we are going to talk. If he doesn't provide me a timeline or idea then I will have to cut my losses. Either way I'm getting my eggs frozen. It will be costly but worth not having this intense stress as children is something I really want

  11. #10
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    He gave you a timeline, and renegged it already. Don't ask for another timeline - he could just go back on it again.

    If you want kids, staying with him means never having any of your own. People can have kids late, but the ones with situations turning out well are low. You two are not spring chickens. Regardless if he's doing a new business venture, what would that matter with starting a family? It's not like he'd be the pregnant one.

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