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My boyfriend suggested breaking up


StarKitten

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Hi everyone.

So I have finally had a discussion with my boyfriend about how it bothers me that he hangs out with other girls one-on-one a lot. So it turns out he has been feeling really guilty by a lot of the times in the past that I've gotten upset about these things. When we had the discussion, though, he told me that this is who he is and he can't change that. I said I know and that I didn't want him to change. When we talked in person he kept saying that he didn't know how to fix this and that nothing was going to change.

 

We said goodbye without much resolution and later he texted me these exact words:

"So I've been thinking about all this and I think that with all this stuff going on that you're not happy and I can't help that and it's putting me in a really tough spot because the last thing I want to do is see you unhappy, that maybe we should take a break from things. But I don't know and I want to talk to you about it. Because it's really hard for me to see you upset about the stuff I do on a day-to-day basis but at the same time I really care about you. And I'm like super confused right now."

 

I asked if we could talk on the phone and we talked for quite a while about the whole situation. I told him I just needed to talk to him about the things that were bothering me and after hearing him explain his side, I was more understanding of him and was willing to accept him for the way he is. I told him that he made me really happy and I loved being with him and didn't want to break it off for this reason. But he was persistent that he felt like I would still be unhappy. He also said that I made him feel like he had to constantly be choosing between his friends and me. He said that he wanted to combine both groups but that whenever he tried to do that I would seem quiet and closed off. I told him that I just take more time to open up to people, as I am naturally very shy and reserved.

 

The whole time he was basically telling me that he really cared about me and wanted to make it work, but he was too afraid of me being unhappy all the time and of him feeling guilt over it whenever he was with his other friends. I convinced him that things could work and he agreed that we should stay together, but the next time an issue happened, we should split. I was still devastated by that comment. I asked if we could plan to meet in person soon to try and get things back to normal and he agreed. Then we said goodnight and I went to bed having a panic attack.

 

The next morning I received this text from him:

"Hey so I'm really happy we talked about that... It made me feel so much better about everything and I want you to know that I really care about you and I really don't want to end things over any stupid reason."

 

When I read this, I started crying – possibly a combination of the devastation and fear I felt about him suggesting a breakup and the joy and relief of him saying he really cared about me and wanted to make it work. At this point, I'm still slightly terrified and devastated.

 

I know what a lot of you will say: end it because I've been consistently unhappy and we were never meant to work out. I understand that and the rational side of my brain is telling me that. But my emotional side is telling me how much I care about him and how happy he makes me when we are together. I honestly have come to understand him and I am truly willing to accept him for the way he is, even if it means he hangs out with a lot of girls and has to constantly be socializing. I know that we are very opposite in many ways, but that's okay. I honestly think that our relationship could improve after this discussion because now we truly understand each other's point of view and are willing to accept each other rather than secretly feeling angry, jealous, or guilty.

 

I'm still asking for advice even though I'm pretty sure I know what you will all say. Just consider my feelings and the happiness I feel from being with him. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for the advice!

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There's someone else out there who can make you just as happy, probably happier, without putting you through the stress of hanging out with all these girls. It's sad that you're wasting all this time/energy/emotion with someone who just isn't the right fit.

 

Quit trying to change who YOU are. You're not okay with him being alone with other girls. And that's okay. I'd be the same way. You can try to convince yourself to feel otherwise but those feelings will always be there. They don't have to be...

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From what I've read in your other threads, I don't like this guy at all. He sounds like a player, and it sounds like he enjoys making you jealous. And he refuses to change, even a little bit, even knowing his female friendships make you uncomfortable. He just flat out says he can't and won't change. Sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I would drop him. He doesn't sound good for you at all.

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He doesn't WANT to change, and doesn't care about your feelings. He could change it if he wanted to. There is no reason why you cannot be included.

 

He was really brave by texting the break up. Not! What a coward!!!

 

You should expect more for yourself. Sounds like you have given your self esteem away, just to be with this guy, and that is sad. he doesn't value you, but you do not value yourself.

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Learn something from my story. In my most recent relationship, I was like you: my ex was spending a lot of time hanging out one to one with a couple of guys, one of whom was her most recent ex and the other whom she had developed a crush on just before she met me (and while she was with her most recent ex). I was uncomfortable with it, and told her so, she said she would try to accommodate it but she still kept seeing them, including sometimes even going to a movie together (just the two of them), spending many hours a day chatting etc.. I tried to tolerate it, though I made my discomfort clear to her, because I didn't want to end it and lose her, though I was tempted to.

 

What happened? Sure enough, she rediscovered her feelings for her ex and went off to see if the grass was greener over there. Trust me, you don't want to wait around for that to happen. If he's so committed to these other women that he needs to hang out with them one to one regularly, and he's not willing to compromise for you, then he's already got one foot out of the door. You'll feel a lot better about yourself if you shove him out, rather than waiting to see him walk away on his own.

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It depends what your personal boundaries are. I am fine with my husband having female friends. I would not be fine with him doing date-like activities with them. When my husband and I had been dating about three months a male friend who I'd never dated (but at one time there was a minor attraction) asked to meet up with me an hour before our plan with my husband - who he'd never met- so we could talk about more personal things (not romantic just personal). My husband was not comfortable with it. I chose my husband's feelings and the guy went out of his way to get to know and befriend my husband which worked out fine. If he had told me never to see him again that would have been different- get your boundaries and values clear and do not compromise them. Make sure he knows them and without a huge back story, no apologies, no therapy sessions- keep it to one sentence and he can take it or leave it- that is if you want him to respect you.

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This makes me think of an interview I listened to recently with Byron Katie. In a similar situation to yours (some sort of behavior by her partner) she might say "I am making this mean that you don't respect me. Is that true?"

 

Or your partner might say "I am making this mean that you want to control me. Is that true?"

 

The point is, we interpret what other people do, we give it our meaning. Of course it is hard to know what meaning someone else gives to their actions or to ours. But talking about it in such a way may help us decide what choice to make next. He may not respect you, and he may not be truthful in answering, it's hard to say. But you can start with: what meaning do you give to his actions, what meaning do you give to your own?

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Unfortunately, when a guy says "this is who I am, and I can't change that." believe him. The whole point of being in relationship is being with someone who shares the same values, morals, interests, and feelings. In this aspect, this is something that truly bothers you, and he isn't willing to compromise with it. I would just move on and break it off.

 

Relationships are hard work, but it shouldn't make you feel insecure, unhappy, and filled with anxiety. If you allow him to overstep your boundary in this particular situation, then it will give him a bigger incentive to take advantage of your feelings, and also overlook your value.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but eventually you will end up resenting him. No matter how hard you'll try to not be bothered by it, you will always still have that gnawing feeling inside and it will drive you crazy.

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It's not his place to decide that you're unhappy in this relationship, yet I have a hunch he was using that excuse as his ticket out. Either way, I believe it's only a matter of time before that final curtain comes slamming down.

 

Having said that, it may be helpful to look within and bring your self-respect back up to the surface...

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I don't think it's an excuse on his part. I think it's a first hand consequence he's experienced from the dozen mundane issues you've raised with him due to the incompatibilities between you two as far as boundaries go.

 

I actually think the conversation he raised with you was exceptionally mature considering you two are what, 18? He didn't blame you. He just notes that you're hurt and that his actions cause it. He actual makes an exceptional effort to avoid any blame between you two. I think it's very rare for young people to not conflate incompatibility and fault, but he seems to manage.

 

And, in the end, I don't blame him. This is who he is and no one likes realizing that who they are is hurting someone they care about. It's not that he doesn't care about your feelings, but that he also cares for his own. It's a substantial internal conflict that I don't think is fair to villanize him over.

 

I think you should acknowledge the genuine sentiment he expressed. This is who he is and it's who he wants to remain. You're both very young and I really think should be able to play it relatively loose with boundaries. If that's an issue for you, you'd be doing both him and yourself a favor by acknowledging the incompatibility and letting things go.

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If you're just going to pretend it doesn't bother you in order to keep him, but it really does bother you...the two of you are going to have a very boring or upsetting few weeks ahead until you ultimately break up.

 

Pretending in order to keep someone is always a very, very bad idea.

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In the world of common sense prediction, you will feel fundamentally uncomfortable with his behaviors. He's going to keep on as he is. At some point you will communicate your concerns. And he'll finally end it.

 

In all honesty, it will take you getting dumped to really learn that this relationship was not for you.

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As a guy this is how I read it.

Boyfriend--"Baby, I love you, is it okay to cheat on you as long as I make you happy? I dont want to lose you"

Girlfriend--"I accept you no matter what you do"

Boyfriend--permission granted

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Go no contact for a while because he does not want to be made to feel guilty or like he's making you unhappy. Talk to him when he is back in the country and you see him in person.

 

Show him you are not as clingy and needy as he is saying you are. Stop all social media contact and creeping.

"So I've been thinking about all this and I think that with all this stuff going on that you're not happy and I can't help that and it's putting me in a really tough spot because the last thing I want to do is see you unhappy, that maybe we should take a break from things"
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