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She still lives with her ex


hopeful17

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I met this wonderful woman who stole my heart and we got engaged less than 4 months into the relationship. I did say yes because I love her and I want to spend my future with her. We do not live together yet but we plan on moving together by the end of the year. Going into the relationship, I am aware and I accepted the fact that she still lives with her ex. I am fine with it and I thought I could handle the situation. However, a couple of nights ago, we decided to have a dinner together. And when I said we, I mean myself, my now fiancé, her ex and her ex's son. We all sat in the dinner table trying to be civil with each other. They were telling me stories from their past, fun stories I must say. But seeing how they interact and seeing my fiancé laughing while she and her ex says the same sentence just hurts my feelings. I tried not to be sensitive with this and not to think anything of it. I tried to tell myself that I am ok with it. But really I am not. It bothers me when I see her laughing with her ex. I know that she can't change her situation right now and it is only temporary. I love this woman and I want us to work out. I am asking for any advice from anybody out there has been in the same situation that I'm in right now. How can I fully accept this? How can I avoid hurting myself, if that's even possible?

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You can't rush into things until you fully know someone in great detail....you don't find out all about them this quickly. You are not thinking with your head. You don't know their situation well enough yet to know if you can trust it or not, but by the sounds of it...it's a definite not. They sound very very close and you will have a very difficult time breaking that apart.

I suggest you think more clearly now and let her know that things were/are a bit too rushed and you need more time. It makes absolutely no sense to plan anything with her while she is still living with her ex.

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Why did they split, and how long ago?

Some people find out that they are better friends than spouses, hence they can make the decision to split while still remaining great friends, as long as both are ok with it and don't secretly hold any romantic feelings for one another. If that's the case here, you have nothing to worry about, and your hurt feelings are just you being in a sensitive situation and maybe a bit insecure, due to the fact that you barely know this woman, while him and her have a past.

I'm sure things were more awkward for him, I mean having dinner with his ex and her new fiance couldn't have been all that great.

 

I doubt breaking this engagement is something you would consider, so I guess all you can do is stick it out until the end of the year when you can move in together, it's just a few months left until then anyway. I do think you've rushed into things, but I don't see why it couldn't work out anyway. You are dealing with a delicate situation though, so a bit of weirdness is to be expected. You knew about it from day one and chose to still go ahead with the relationship, so you did the talk, now you have to do the walk as well.

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Love is not the answer to everything. Depending on what assets you have the cost of a divorce can run you about $6k for atty fees for her and for you. Along with half of what you own and that can be a lot of money you will end up losing. Thats a lot of money of fork over just because you fell in love with someone after knowing them 4 months. After 4 months Im barely knowing their middle name or birthdate. You havent even gotten this girl a Christmas gift yet and you are planning to marry this woman?

 

Back to your post. It sounds like the X isnt going to go away even after you two get married. In fact this guy and the stories are going to be a huge part of her life which means its going to be a part of your life. Get used to it.

If you give her the ultimatum now you are going to end up losing. She is either going to agree with you and have him secretly on the side or she is going to choose the X because she knows him better. (thats my thought). Now you said this situation is temporary, so why doesnt she move in with you? The day you two agreed to get married she should of been packing to live with you.

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I met this wonderful woman who stole my heart and we got engaged less than 4 months into the relationship. I did say yes because I love her and I want to spend my future with her.

 

Suggesting that if you didn't get engaged, then you couldn't spend your future with her, by some weird law of quantum physics or something.

 

Also suggesting she asked you.

 

Also suggesting getting engaged has anything to do with love.

 

All sounds very illogical.

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I have to echo what everyone else has pretty much already said.

 

First, you don't get engaged or make any lifetime commitments with someone you just met. Everything's good in the beginning, you gotta give it time and allow the relationship to be tested before moving forward with anything like engagement, moving in together, etc. my mother gave me the best advice on something similar to this "you don't really know someone, until you REALLY KNOW someone."

 

Second, you got into a relationship with someone who has baggage. She still lives with her ex. This is never a good idea because even if she isn't doing anything, when people go along with their significant others being in these situations the mind will start giving you ideas of what COULD be happening, don't put yourself through that.

 

Lastly, create space...4 months is too fast to be engaged, and with her current living situation, your best off keeping things light and not so serious so soon.

 

Good luck.

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