He wants me to chase him !

Hello all,

I have posted about a man I have been interested in and here is another one. : )

Seems very shy and we have gone back and forth about interest, I expressed interest early on and he seemed to really reciprocate. Then whenever I would try and talk to him he would run away. Ok! so, maybe shy or whatever. Back and forth it went. He would run away and then I would give up. Then, when I was leaving him alone he would start to pursue me. But, when I showed interest in him he would run away. Alot of times he would silently follow me about like a puppy, but when I would turn to him he would turn away. You get the picture. Ok, so be shy. We have alot of friends and social activities in common so I have to see him all the time or just not have any friends or fun.

Finally, friends who know us both said - YOU have to ask him out. Ok, I called him up and we talked a good while. It was very nice. Then we never actually set a date for coffee or whatever. He said, yes coffee would be great - I would really like that. But we never actually made the date. Ok, so - then I called him AGAIN because now this thing is just hanging in the air and all my friends are tired of hearing how we can't seem to just get it together. He just seems determined to make me do all the work.

Friends, this is a very masculine and alpha sort of guy. A real man's man who dominates a group and is a natural leader. I'm a good looking lady but more quiet and maybe a leader behind the scenes. I am very respectful and defer to him as a leader.

So - he seems to really like me but why would such an otherwise masculine and very confident man seem determined to make me the woman do all the work?? I called today to ask about setting a time and he said he would call me back over the weekend and we would go out. He seemed very glad to talk to me and said that several times, 'really glad you called,' stuff like that. He was with his guys and even used my name so now they all know I was on the phone and calling to ask him out. Thank you very much !!! (blush)

Ideas, opinions - prayers? he is not a player and seems incredibly polite and respectful. But - I guess you just never know. We are in the Midwest, so maybe that helps. A good country guy for sure. I just take it all at face value and take it one day at a time.

Take it from there. Enjoy the date.

he said he would call me back over the weekend and we would go out.

hes a confident, alpha male, a man's man you say? his actions regarding you and him dont reflect that at all to me, quite the opposite. a confident man would be proactive, make the first moves and plan things with you, not run away when you show interest. I feel like you actually got him figured out all wrong and that this, if it does move forward, will be very painful for you.

if you are determined though then feel it out on the first few dates. if things dont change, i recommend moving on. good luck, hope im wrong.

I would disagree slightly actually in the sense that I've noticed the real confident men tend to actually get chased to a certain extent.

Whether they actually do official date asking, I'm not sure. It is 2016 after all.

Well I sincerely hope that you guys do have your date. I wouldn't be suprised though if it doesn't happen and you guys keep riding the merry-go-round.

I could have written your post, I was in a similar situation once...I got tired and resentful. I moved on. Not that I dislike shy guys at all, my BF is a shy guy, but he was able to break through it to actually ask me out (I also asked him out on dates that I planned in the beginning) and generally pursue me. We pursued each other. It was easy, it shouldn't be hard...

I think you're jumping to a lot of conclusions and creating a narrative that is more opinion and fact. From here, it just looks like he's not into you.

I personally wouldn't chase a man to this degree..I would find it degrading and insulting. Shy or not..if he was interested in you, he would be showing a lot more interest and would have been doing the chasing back....but to each their own.

I personally wouldn't chase a man to this degree..I would find it degrading and insulting. Shy or not..if he was interested in you, he would be showing a lot more interest and would have been doing the chasing back....but to each their own.

Well, I agree with your guys. That's what I don't understand. If you are not interested in someone wouldn't you just say, hey! I am not interested you. Why would you lead someone on? I wouldn't do that, that's for sure. The people who know him say he is really terrible socially and in particular with women. He really is that shy, they tell me.

But I agree with you guys and so it doesn't seem like he is messing with me, altho - really, why wouldn't someone just either say "no thank you" or "yes, let go out tomorrow." Something is not quite right with all this and that's why I posted. Do you think he just likes the attention and having his friends think he's a big stud? Whatever, time will tell - and I am not getting too attached. He might be fearful after a recent breakup of a very longterm relationship (2 1/2 years ago I believe), but I really don't know. I am learning alot and you are right, this doesn't seem like it is going anywhere.

Expect to do a fair bit of chasing with an alpha male, he's going to have a lot of interest coming from all directions.

That's bull. If he had a relationship for over 2 years he knows how to woo a woman...he just doesn't want to put in the effort for you.

As for an ego boost....very well could be, seeing as he had to let the other guys know you were chasing and asked him out...good lord..that would have embarrassed me enough to never ring back!

You have let him know how you feel...now back off and go NC. If he likes you at all, he will do the chasing now. Shyness won't stop him if he truly is interested. If you don't hear from him at all, then you will know that he truly didn't care.

As for someone telling you to chase seeing as he's an alpha male...to heck with that!! We woman have self respect too and don't need to be belittled begging any man for attention if he's not playing fair and giving back the same.

Chasing is wrong no matter the gender. Healthy relationships develop when both parties are interested in starting and maintaining them. Showing interest, sure. Not playing games, sure. Taking the initiative to ask someone out (once), ok.

You've already done everything you could. It's up to him now. If he doesn't take you up on your offer, no matter what other 'signs' you or your friends perceive as interest, he's not interested period.

I just want to add, my brother is very shy with the ladies (but outgoing in every other area of his life). He is in his late thrities and has never asked out a woman. Interestingly, he has also never suffered a lack of interested ladies (he's a good looking guy with a sharp sense of humor so that tends to attract them). He attracts outgoing women. They have to be because they are always the ones that pursue him. His latest GF spent months blatantly flirting with him, we kept telling him to ask her out already, he just couldn't do it, she pursued him. I don't think they ever really had a traditional date either, just "hang-outs" and things progressed....i'm sure my bro has lost a lot of decent ladies along the way because of his lack of initiative, as they prob assumed he wasn't interested ENOUGH to act on it.

Anyway, just wanted to share that because there are guys out there like what you describe, and it is easy to label them "disinterested" based on wishy-washy behaviour, even though that might not be the case. However, you have to decide what you can live with. For me, I will not accept that sort of behaviour from a man, I won't do all the work (nor do I expect him to do it all either, has to be equal). I just assume he isn't interested enough and move on to find a guy that will meet me half-way and will show sufficient interest so that I don't have to guess as to what he may be thinking or feeling.

If you want this guy, you may have to make ALL the moves, this means taking on the risk of rejection that men typically (traditionally) have had to deal with. If you are comfy with that, then go for it.

Everyone likes to be chased a little...but you do it holding a knife and suddenly it's "scary".

I'm not quite so sure what's wrong with a woman chasing a man in this day and age? It's not the 1950's anymore.

I get chased a little bit, from time to time (not often enough for my liking but anyway) - I've never felt it to be demeaning to the woman, I've always found it quite attractive actually.

I am thinking one of two things. He's either playing games and isn't available or he is indeed shy as you say.

Just be forewarned that this dynamic won't change, so be careful what you wish for. You can set out to chase him and may actually catch him but this push/pull mixed message dynamic is what you'll be signing up for if you do indeed end up in a relationship with him.

I've dated this guy and naively thought things might shift or at least be equitable. In the end you are utterly exhausted doing all the heavy lifting while they keep you at arms length and behave inconsistently.

 

So - he seems to really like me but why would such an otherwise masculine and very confident man seem determined to make me the woman do all the work??

Because gender doesn't instantly make you a natural pursued or a pursuer. It's very much a part of our cultural conditioning so it often breaks down on gender lines. Women are taught to be pursued. Men are taught to pursue. But that isn't because it comes naturally to everyone doing it. I'm a woman who is a natural pursuer. And I know a bunch of men who really want (and would rather just be more comfortable) if they are pursued. If you really like him take thous first steps. It can be awkward and the fear of rejection is rough, but men have do it all the time.

The people who know him say he is really terrible socially and in particular with women. He really is that shy, they tell me.

Possibly your answer right here. Perhaps he's scared of rejection?

Well, I agree with your guys. That's what I don't understand. If you are not interested in someone wouldn't you just say, hey! I am not interested you. Why would you lead someone on? I wouldn't do that, that's for sure. The people who know him say he is really terrible socially and in particular with women. He really is that shy, they tell me.

 

But I agree with you guys and so it doesn't seem like he is messing with me, altho - really, why wouldn't someone just either say "no thank you" or "yes, let go out tomorrow." Something is not quite right with all this and that's why I posted. Do you think he just likes the attention and having his friends think he's a big stud? Whatever, time will tell - and I am not getting too attached. He might be fearful after a recent breakup of a very longterm relationship (2 1/2 years ago I believe), but I really don't know. I am learning alot and you are right, this doesn't seem like it is going anywhere.

No, I disagree. Most people won't come right out and say they're not interested. One of the most common themes on these forums is ghosting. Rarely in my experience, does someone just look you in the eye and say "I'm not interested". And you don't know what this man knows and doesn't know. He may be totally oblivious to what you are feeling. There has been no direct communication. Everything seems to be speculation. Why would he come out and say "he's not interested" if he just sees you as a friend, or someone he's only minimally interested in?? I find it hard to see in what circumstance where a confident leader when called by a woman he was interested in, wouldn't jump at the opportunity.

He is behaving like someone who is not interested. You may think because we don't know all the details it's difficult to assess. On the contrary. Because we have no horse in the race, and are not swayed by emotion we(I) can be ideally situated to provide an unbiased view.

I see little value in speculating on what he is thinking, or what motivates him. It's folly. I think his behaviour is the most accurate indicator of what his intentions are. He does not behave interested. At the most his behaviour is mixed. Which is actually more frustrating than knowing/feeling someone is not interested. And if he's the leader, confident male you say, he should not be shy about asking a woman out.

Not trying to be hard or aggressive or mean or negative. Just trying to provide an unbiased view based on what knowledge and experience I have. I find often people when faces with an attraction that doesn't seem to be reciprocal, they will build castles in the sky and defend them. Something to consider on your journey.

These are all good, thoughtful comments. Thank you everyone for answering. I agree with what you all say, and for sure - I am not so invested in a person who I don't know.

Yes, I was interested and yes - he seemed interested but the mixed quality was not healthy and I never liked that. I finally just stepped up and called him and yes he did seem interested. Why would you talk to someone for half an hour about personal things and tell them you're very glad they called if you weren't interested? I know alot of men and no, I don't believe any of them would just randomly talk to me on the phone for half and hour like that. They would want to know what I wanted and then get right off. I don't think guys just talk to get to know a woman if they are not interested. Whatever -

Who knows what's going on, and if a person does not tell you then you can only guess. It is what it is, he is not emotionally available and that's really none of my business. I have to see him in part of my large social circle so that will be weird but since I will talk to all my friends about this it should make a decent buffer for me if or when I have to see him. But for sure I will keep my distance from him from now on -

And no, if you are not interested in someone I am pretty sure you can just say that - plenty of guys have said that to me over the years. I think it is a curtesy to let people know and not lead them on for an ego boost or whatever.

Thanks everyone for the input and ideas, appreciate it !

On a more surreal note, but it happens sometiems it's easier to get sucked into the fantasy of it, and you get the feeling that if you ask and get rejected, the fantasy just implodes and is gone. Better to have a stable fantasy than an unstable reality. An unlikely but possible explanation of why he doesn't ask you.

This is very common in all walks of life, not just this one.

If he were truly interested, he would bite the bullet and ask you out, rather than lose his chance to someone else. Just my opinion...

Hey Zaphod, what do you mean about the unstable versus stable fantasy? I asked him out because he seemed interested and when I did ask him out he actually said yes several times. I don't want a fantasy, I just wanted to resolve it one way or another.

Did you mean me being in fantasy or him?

I guess the thing for me is, why would you say yes and show interest but then not actually follow through. A person could very easily not answer their phone or just say no if they were not interested. My fear is that I have been some sort of weird ego boost for him in front of his friends (worst case scenario) or that he is just someone who was messing with a nice lady who liked him, because he could.

I have learned alot from this experience and appreciate everyone's ideas and comments here.

I agree Heartgoeson, for sure. That would be my feeling as well.