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Everything is just JUMBLED


itsbrittyann

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I have an extremely, EXTREMELY screwed up life. At least from my point of view it is.

 

At least I think I'm the only one that knows my own problems. I have absolutely no one I can talk too. But I'm absolutely scared of myself, so talking and reasoning with myself scares me beyond belief.

 

I was married for 5 years before I got a divorce. But I was in a relationship well before the end of my marriage, but I'm also still in the relationship with my ex-husband.

 

Confusing right? Yeah. I thought so too.

 

I met a nice young man on the internet years ago. We've never met and he doesn't seem too keen to meet me yet. (I get that he's still in a relationship somewhere in his life also, which bothers me beyond what I would like to say it does.) But I can't be angry, because I still frequently see my ex-husband. We've never said we were still together (no label), but he's never dated anyone outside of our relationship, and he believes I haven't either. I've never cheated on him physically, but emotionally I've been cheating for years. The guy from the internet does have the boyfriend label.

 

Confused yet? Internet guy = boyfriend = doesn't know about ex-husband

Ex-husband = unknown = doesn't know about internet boyfriend

 

I live on my own and I absolutely adore the guy from the internet and would love to finally be with him someday. It would be so absolutely easy to break things off with the ex-husband but last time I tried too break things off he kept telling me he couldn't live without me. I divorced because he NEVER showed me affection or said how he felt, he was exactly like his father. I can't live like that.

 

We'll call the ex-husband Donald. Well, we divorced due to financially situations, we made too much money together for either of us to get help going through school. At least that's what we said. I believe Donald and I both wanted it, but we weren't sure how too do it. But I can't seem to shake him from my life. I would just like for us to end things completely. I do love him, just not like how I've always loved (internet guy, we'll call him Frank) Frank.

 

Frank makes me feel amazing. He makes me feel ty. We have talked about marriage and children. He hates that I was married before, sometimes he blames me for our relationship problems because I was married. (He tells me I was dumb for doing so).

 

Donald is more like a good friend.

 

I guess I'm unsure of what to do. I want to be honest with them, but then everything will just come crumbling down on me and I would lose two very important people to me. But I can't just be honest with one and not the other.

 

I'm unsure of how to tell Frank that although things have been absolutely WONDERFUL, I can't continue our relationship. I don't want to say I cannot continue to lie, but I just want to end things cleanly and hurt both of us the least way possible.

 

Now for Donald, I'm unsure of how to break things off with him completely. We get along great! We laugh and cry and do dumb things with each other and generally have a good time. But I'm not happy with how half-assed everything is with him. I want an all or nothing relationship.

 

Frank would easily give this to me, but Donald never would.

 

Anyway. I'm unsure of how to let either of them go. I can't be with either of them because I've lied to both of them and I wouldn't feel right to continue with one and drop the other. Get what I'm saying?

 

WELL! To add a little more to my mix, I've had a best friend since the 6th grade, Lynn. I've been in love with him for years and years. We've watched each other fall and pick each other up. We lose contact for years and pick up exactly where we left off. We live about 5hrs away from one another and I've decided that I wanted to go out and have dinner with him. We've both admitted to having been in love with each other since we've met. (He left school at the end of our freshman year and he says we've missed our opportunity to be with one another). We're both very elusive with how we feel, but every time we talk, text, or meet, we flirt and talk as if we've been married for 50 years.

 

Is this dinner/drink a good idea? I will NOT sleep with him. He does have a girlfriend and I know my limit on what I should and should not do. Do I want too? Sure. Hell yes. Just to see and feel it out. I do believe you need good sexual chemistry. Does he want too? Yes. I could sense it every time we meet.

 

But. I'm still absolutely in love with Frank. I'm in love with the THOUGHT of what could happen with Frank. I'm just COMFORTABLE with Donald, nothing more than that.

 

And Lynn is just a scary scary thought. I'm unsure if there could be a future with him. I'm unsure if we could work. (He's extremely intelligent) And I'm not sure I could compete with someone being that intelligent. (I'm in no means dumb, I'm quite intelligent myself. Just dumb on the relationship and love aspect lol).

 

I'm not sure what my question is, or what problem I have. I guess I'm just looking for a little advice on what I should do. Any help or criticism is actually greatly appreciated.

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There is waaaay too much cheating going on here. You're juggling 3 men, 2 of whom have girlfriends. No wonder everything is jumbled and screwed up. My advice would be to drop them all and figure yourself out. Then when you're ready and SINGLE, find a SINGLE man to date.

 

Sorry to be so short, but I really have no sympathy for cheaters.

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Just one more observation: It seems like you thrive on drama, just from the language you used in your post, as well as all the drama you've created by juggling so many different men. Maybe ask yourself why you need this type of drama, and then find some way to get it that does not involve hurting other people (all the people in this story who are being cheated on, but aren't cheaters themselves).

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I think you'd do well to see a professional to help you figure yourself out and to help you with reality and fantasy. The only thing real you have going on in the real world is with your ex husband. The other two are based on words without actions to back them up, cyber sex (if you're having that with frank) and your own conjuring.

 

You have wasted your life by being attached to a man you've never met and a man you see once in a blue moon. I'm sorry but that just sounds sad.

 

What should you do? Get off the computer, stop meeting with a married man that gives you happy panties and either go no contact with Donald or remarry him. Being divorced and stringing him along in codependency is just stagnating both of you from finding someone better then each other.

 

I agree there is "cheating" here except the only one cheating is you op who is cheating YOURSELF out of something real and reciprocal by entertaining these men you are delusional about.

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I know it sounds awful. No need to judge. I have come for advice because yes, maybe I am a little screwed in the head. No I do not thrive on drama. I spend 90% of my time at home, alone, in contact with none of the mentioned people. There's absolutely no excuse to what I'm doing, and I'm not meeting a married man lol. I was married to Donald. And no cyber sex, just conversations. I don't believe in cyber sex. You people really do have a way of making someone feel really ty about ones self. I've come for advice because I'm lost. I'm not in a relationship with Donald nor Lynn. Donald believes we still have a relationship but we haven't had sexual contact since a year before our divorce. He's a good friend who believes we're in a relationship. I'm not stringing him along, he's stringing himself along. I have mentioned on more than one occasion that he could meet a nice girl if he tried.

 

I was saying Frank may or may not have a girlfriend outside of our 'relationship'. I'm not sure, but there are times where he doesn't reply for a few days to texts.

 

Lynn? Lynn has been my bestfriend for years. He's someone I can talk too. Would I push myself out there and have him cheat on his girlfriend? No.

 

I'm messed up emotionally because I'm scared. If I lose all of them due to advice on here, so be it, that would be willfully deserved.

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My advice is to quit stringing Donald along, and quit having emotional affairs with men who have girlfriends.

 

You say "I'm not in a relationship with Donald nor Lynn" but "Donald believes we still have a relationship" - why does he believe you still have a relationship? You must be allowing him to think so, which is, yes, stringing him along.

 

About Donald:

"I was married for 5 years before I got a divorce. But I was in a relationship well before the end of my marriage, but I'm also still in the relationship with my ex-husband."

So you cheated on him while married?

 

Lynn has a girlfriend, and yet:

"I've been in love with him for years and years"

"We've both admitted to having been in love with each other since we've met"

"every time we talk, text, or meet, we flirt and talk as if we've been married for 50 years"

"I'm unsure if there could be a future with him. I'm unsure if we could work." (entertaining the idea of a future with him, but he HAS A GF)

"I've decided that I wanted to go out and have dinner with him"

 

Frank:

"I get that he's still in a relationship somewhere in his life also"

"The guy from the internet does have the boyfriend label."

"I'm still absolutely in love with Frank."

"I'm messed up emotionally because I'm scared." -- I am too, but I don't partake in cheating. I'm not trying to attack you, just give you some insight, because you seem to minimize what you're doing here and don't seem to care for the feelings of Donald or Frank's girlfriend or Lynn's girlfriend. Please drop them all, and work on yourself. You're not doing yourself any favors here, either, by juggling all these men. Like I said, it creates a lot of unnecessary drama.

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I think you should meet Frank and Lynn in person and give it a chance because by just talking on the phone, you can just imagine them as you want but which can be fatal(You are making fake image of them by yourself.) I talked to a guy whom I met online, I thought I fell in love with him while we talked for several months but when I actually met and got to know him, he was no where near my fantasy and he was a terrible guy.

And you should confess about Frank to Donald. Donald might realize you were so hungry for his attention and expression of love. He might try to make you happy.

The best thing is to be honest to him.

I think the best result I hope for you is to get back to Donald and try more if possible. There seems to be a chance for that.

I hope to hear your story again. Hopefully happy ending cause my relationship is very hurtful now. I will be happy to hear some good reconciliation story from others.

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I know it sounds awful. No need to judge.
When you ask for advice, you're going to think you're being judged as long as you're hearing chit you don't want to hear.

 

I have come for advice because yes, maybe I am a little screwed in the head.
Hence why I suggest you get yourself some professional guidance. You are confused about what is a real relationship and what is attention that gives you temporary happy panties.

 

No I do not thrive on drama.
Yes you do or you would have put a stop to all that you cherish.

I spend 90% of my time at home, alone,
Then get some friends, get involved in some hobbies, volunteer, join a meetup type site that will introduce you to people while doing things you enjoy. Anything that will stop the mental drama that these three men in your life is creating.

There's absolutely no excuse to what I'm doing, and I'm not meeting a married man lol. I was married to Donald. And no cyber sex, just conversations. I don't believe in cyber sex. You people really do have a way of making someone feel really ty about ones self.
Well, that's because you don't want to hear anything that doesn't jive with your own preconceived ideas. When one holds a mirror up to us, we are forced to see what they are seeing and sometimes it just looks ugly to us.

 

I've come for advice because I'm lost.
Yes and that is why I'm (we are) telling you straight up that you are getting lost in the fantasy.

 

I'm not in a relationship with Donald nor Lynn.
you're not in one with Frank either. You're in a cyber fantasy with a man you don't even know except for what he deems he'd like you to know since you've never even been in his company. When all you have is words without actions to back them up as truth, all they ever will be is words and the fantasy you allow yourself based on those words. No reality.

 

Donald believes we still have a relationship but we haven't had sexual contact since a year before our divorce.
You enable Donald to continue to believe you are in a relationship by entertaining his fantasy. Why haven't you severed your contact with him and give him a chance to heal and get the bleep over you? You enjoy the attention and drama, that's why.

 

He's a good friend who believes we're in a relationship. I'm not stringing him along, he's stringing himself along.
Sorry but if he believe you are in a relationship then you need to go zero contact so that he can get over you and get to the point of indifference to you so he can find himself a partner that he does want to have sex with and wants to have sex with him and all the other important stuff that makes reciprocal union.

 

I have mentioned on more than one occasion that he could meet a nice girl if he tried.
How big of you. Seriously. Let him go so he can actually find her.

 

I was saying Frank may or may not have a girlfriend outside of our 'relationship'. I'm not sure, but there are times where he doesn't reply for a few days to texts.
That's because he has options and he's exercising them.

 

Lynn? Lynn has been my bestfriend for years. He's someone I can talk too. Would I push myself out there and have him cheat on his girlfriend? No.
Then why even mention him and in the manner you originally do?

 

I'm messed up emotionally because I'm scared. If I lose all of them due to advice on here, so be it, that would be willfully deserved.
Sadly you don't believe you deserve anymore then what you are getting which is a half-arsed, quasi (codependent) relationship with your ex, a fantasy relationship with a man you've never met and shows no want to ever meet and a opposite sex friend who you have designs on. Surely you love yourself enough to see that you deserve more then that?

 

My straight up observation isn't judging. You can do what you want with what you have but its obvious you're not happy or content, or this thread wouldn't exist if you were... Really, you judge yourself as well because you aren't happy with what you've created in these quasi relationships.

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Just because you're still married to someone doesn't mean you're still in a relationship. Donald was the one to move hours away and I only see him once a month or so. We have dinner and talk, spend time together and talk about how our lives are going. Divorce takes a bit.

 

Lynn does have a girlfriend, but just because he does, doesn't mean he still doesn't have feelings. We have been FRIENDS for years. I've always loved him, perhaps as just a friend. We've never had a chance to see where anything could take us. I'm not saying we talk like we want to just go off and shag each other and screw around. No. We're always courteous and understand our boundaries. I'm not absolutely nuts, just screwed up. So yeah.

 

And Frank, Frank does have a girlfriend. That's me. I'm saying I'm not sure if he has a relationship in the REAL WORLD. I don't know that. I can't be 100% positive about it when he's thousands of miles away. He knows about Donald. He understands somethings about that.

 

I haven't had a sexual encounter in over four years. And I'm only 26. It isn't that I don't want to have sex, it's just I'm not in the right place for sex. So before you keep assuming I'm some huge , please understand that.

 

Donald has always been a friend. I cannot help if he believes we have a relationship. You would think that after years of no sexual contact HE would understand that we're just friends.

 

You're completely twisting the story to produce your own drama and to make me feel tier about myself. I'm here for ADVICE, not your opinion about ME personally.

 

If you've lost love and have been stringed along, I'm sorry for whoever has done that to you.

 

I'm not the only one stringing people along, they're doing the same thing to me. It's difficult to understand in just a few paragraphs.

 

 

My advice is to quit stringing Donald along, and quit having emotional affairs with men who have girlfriends.

 

You say "I'm not in a relationship with Donald nor Lynn" but "Donald believes we still have a relationship" - why does he believe you still have a relationship? You must be allowing him to think so, which is, yes, stringing him along.

 

About Donald:

"I was married for 5 years before I got a divorce. But I was in a relationship well before the end of my marriage, but I'm also still in the relationship with my ex-husband."

So you cheated on him while married?

 

Lynn has a girlfriend, and yet:

"I've been in love with him for years and years"

"We've both admitted to having been in love with each other since we've met"

"every time we talk, text, or meet, we flirt and talk as if we've been married for 50 years"

"I'm unsure if there could be a future with him. I'm unsure if we could work." (entertaining the idea of a future with him, but he HAS A GF)

"I've decided that I wanted to go out and have dinner with him"

 

Frank:

"I get that he's still in a relationship somewhere in his life also"

"The guy from the internet does have the boyfriend label."

"I'm still absolutely in love with Frank."

"I'm messed up emotionally because I'm scared." -- I am too, but I don't partake in cheating. I'm not trying to attack you, just give you some insight, because you seem to minimize what you're doing here and don't seem to care for the feelings of Donald or Frank's girlfriend or Lynn's girlfriend. Please drop them all, and work on yourself. You're not doing yourself any favors here, either, by juggling all these men. Like I said, it creates a lot of unnecessary drama.

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It is easy to give advice but everybody should consider the person's feeling more carefully before they give advice.

People who came to post things are very vulnerable and in big pain.

It's easy to say to move on and quit everything but that just isn't a great advice unless the relationship is totally abusive and harmful.

Sometimes easy advice is worst than no advice.

People grow up by many mistakes in their lives. Nobody has a right to criticize others without really knowing the details.

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It is easy to give advice but everybody should consider the person's feeling more carefully before they give advice.

People who came to post things are very vulnerable and in big pain.

It's easy to say to move on and quit everything but that just isn't a great advice unless the relationship is totally abusive and harmful.

Sometimes easy advice is worst than no advice.

People grow up by many mistakes in their lives. Nobody has a right to criticize others without really knowing the details.

There is nothing criticizing about anyone's advice that has been given thus far. It is straight up truth about the situation followed by advice on how to overcome the negative feeling they are drowning in. Platitudes won't help her, telling her what she wants to hear wont' help her, being straight up won't harm her. There is nothing personal being stated... only the facts of what she's allowing in her life. Enabling dialogue does nothing but perpetuate the status quo.

 

I have empathy for the confusion and pain she is in but that doesn't mean I'm not going to tell her or anyone else that is self-defeating in their love lives why she/they are in confusion and pain as I see it.

 

It's easy to say to move on and quit everything but that just isn't a great advice unless the relationship is totally abusive and harmful.
That's where you are lost. There are several other reasons to tell someone to leave a relationship other then abuse and it's clear that all of these quasi relationships she is having with these three men are harmful... if they were great for her emotional health, she would have no reason to post here.
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It is easy to give advice but everybody should consider the person's feeling more carefully before they give advice.

People who came to post things are very vulnerable and in big pain.

It's easy to say to move on and quit everything but that just isn't a great advice unless the relationship is totally abusive and harmful.

Sometimes easy advice is worst than no advice.

People grow up by many mistakes in their lives. Nobody has a right to criticize others without really knowing the details.

There are many posters on this forum whom I've thrown my hands up and said "you do you" to. There's a difference between telling someone who has clearly made up their mind, "You're an adult and I suppose we all gotta make mistakes sometime" and actually guiding them on that path to making a mistake. Posters here are providing the OP with alternatives for better judgement. If she wants a choir, she should head over to the church.
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I feel somewhat bad for being so blunt, as the OP is young, and feeling lost as she said. I know how it feels to feel lost. But my sympathy ends when one is hurting others, so I'm just calling it like I'm seeing it. I didn't sense any empathy from her at all in her posts for Donald who is being strung along, or for Frank or Lynn's girlfriends who probably don't know that an emotional affair (even if just online) is going on. If someone is clueless, or careless, about how their actions may hurt others, and they come looking for advice, then it's not the worst thing in the world to point it out to them. If not for the cheating aspect, I would have been much softer in tone. I strive to be pretty sympathetic and kind on these threads as long as the OP is the only one being hurt, or if they're only hurting themselves and no one else.

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Don't feel bad at all, lostlove. The Op clearly stated in her opening post

Any help or criticism is actually greatly appreciated.
Any thing that can remotely be considered "criticism" was certainly constructive in leading her to a far more romantically fulfilling life or herself once/when she sits down and re-reads her thread with a new set of eyes per say.

 

Bottom line though: We can lead a horse to water but we can't make her drink.

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Why don't you consider all of them friends, then get on some dating apps and begin messaging/meeting men in real life who you could have a real relationship with romantic connection to. You can still be friends with these others.

I haven't had a sexual encounter in over four years. And I'm only 26. It isn't that I don't want to have sex, it's just I'm not in the right place for sex.
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