Jump to content

Confused about FWB


Cali91

Recommended Posts

Last weekend my FWB and I made plans to meet up. He drove down from his place to go to a party with friends, afterwards he was coming to spend the night with me, as he lives an hour away. We've been seeing each other since late March, but this was the first time we were going to actually sleep in the same bed together. I go to pick him up, because he drank a little bit, which I don't mind. In the car, he was very affectionate...in the 'I'm not your FWB' way but more of like boyfriend-y, if that makes any sense. He kept running his hands through my hair and holding my hand. This isn't something he hasn't done before, it's more of he was doing it more than usual. And it wasn't because he was intoxicated. I've seen him drunk before and he wasn't like that. Anyway, we get to my house, and it's midnight so it's pitch black inside. We start making out and clothes come off, yadda yadda. He goes to turn out the light and we can't see anything, so he jokes "We should light a candle", and of course I happen to have some so I light one, which he follows up with something along the lines of "Oh yeah nice and romantic". Again, jokingly. So, we get down to business, and it seriously was really romantic with the candles. In the middle of it, he kisses my forehead out of nowhere - something he has never done. and maybe it was just heat of the moment for him to do it but I was really shocked by it, because I know the "meaning" behind a forehead kiss. He also went down on me for the first time. In addition, we have sex for the longest amount of time (about an hour) yet without a break in between, not that I minded! Afterwards, we cuddled a bunch and I fell asleep in his arms. That night (morning, technically) was so many firsts in our relationship and I can't help but wonder why all in one night? Am I seriously just thinking too much into things?

Link to comment

Yes. Enjoy it. If you overthink it, you will mind---- yourself.

 

My FWB lover can be incredibly romantic, feels I "get him" (I do, and he me), and is attentive and caring etc. We make an awful couple but a great vacation.

 

Look at this fella as vacation and be grateful he is so good at it.

Link to comment

If he's not showing you any actions outside of sex that he values you, then all he values you for is sex. Look to his actions towards you when you're not screwing or leading up to screwing. That is where he will show you (or NOT) that he cares for you for more then an eff buddy.

 

So: What actions outside of sex and leading up to sex are apparent that make you think he actually cares? Are there any?

Link to comment
If he's not showing you any actions outside of sex that he values you, then all he values you for is sex. Look to his actions towards you when you're not screwing or leading up to screwing. That is where he will show you (or NOT) that he cares for you for more then an eff buddy.

 

So: What actions outside of sex and leading up to sex are apparent that make you think he actually cares? Are there any?

 

It isn't about cares/not cares. That makes FWB seem equal to effectively buddy equal to NSA

 

It's What are the terms of our interaction? To that end, your post is right.

 

Even so, live in the moment and there will be no need to wonder beyond if you are happy and going in the direction you intend for yourself.

Link to comment
He was there to comfort me during the troubles with my ex, long before we started hooking up. He also picked me up from work a few times, bought me dinner when we hang out...but I suppose that's normal stuff?

 

That is what friends do for one another. Does he date you, does he do things outside of the bedroom with you, does he do fun things with you on a regular basis, does he show you that you are his SIGNIFICANT other?

 

Do you want more then just a sexual partner, Cali? What is it you would like with this man? Are you happy being valued only as a sex partner? If you are then sex on. If you are feeling empty or wanting more then there is a problem with your arrangement and your emotional health eventually.

Link to comment

When I lived not an hour away, we'd go see movies and stuff, but not anything serious. But he's also afraid to jump back into a relationship because his previous hurt him badly, which I understand, mine made me want to kill myself. But I digress. I am thinking too much about it. He's just being a confusing dweeb haha.

Link to comment

Do you want more then just a sexual partner, Cali? What is it you would like with this man? Are you happy being valued only as a sex partner? If you are then sex on. If you are feeling empty or wanting more then there is a problem with your arrangement which will lead to compromising your emotional health, eventually.

 

When we settle when we want more, that is usually what happens.

Link to comment
I mean I'm not gonna lie, if he was into it, I'd date him. He's attractive, funny, smart, loving, everything I want in a guy, but I know I'm not going to get anywhere with it.

Why do you think that? Have you had an open conversation with him about your relationship at all? Has he told you outright that he doesn't want anything other then casual?

Link to comment
When I lived not an hour away, we'd go see movies and stuff, but not anything serious. But he's also afraid to jump back into a relationship because his previous hurt him badly, which I understand, mine made me want to kill myself. But I digress. I am thinking too much about it. He's just being a confusing dweeb haha.

 

Not confusing at all. He is meeting up with you to have sex, and if he wants to spice it up romantically or express emotions he knows he can without any risk of leading you on since his words are clear -he does not want a relationship with you (and most adults have been hurt in the past - that can mean they take a break before getting involved again or they might jump back in -but when they meet someone who interests them very often they are willing to go forward despite being scared or concerned because of past experiences).

 

I would not read into anything he did differently this time because if he wanted to be with you he would never want to risk someone else snapping you up -he would be direct and clear and simple -all it takes is "let's be together" or "I'd like to be your boyfriend/be exclusive with you". Etc.

Link to comment
Last time we talked about it was essentially when our relationship started

 

I would avoid using the term "relationship" when you're in a FWB's arrangement, as there's a huge difference between the two. Other than that, be careful not to fool yourself into thinking his actions have hidden meanings, and listen very carefully when he tells you he's not looking for a relationship.

Link to comment

Well, they are in a casual sexual relationship. So it is a relationship, just not a romantic or committed one.

 

Cali: If the last time you talked about this is when you started the dynamic you are now in with him then I would revisit that conversation and find out if he's changed his stance on not wanting a relationship. You can tell him that his attention to the romantic during your last session has you a bit confused and you are more then willing to advance the relationship if he is but you want to keep it real if he does not so clarity is needed.

 

I think all of these casual things need to be readdressed when they go on for any length of time or when your lust and infatuation is getting the better of you.

 

Good luck... be brave and don't be afraid of losing your eff buddy. It will only make you open in heart and mind to find something more committed with someone who is ready to value you, and you them for more then the next orgasm and hit of the next oxytocin fix.

Link to comment
Well, they are in a casual sexual relationship. So it is a relationship, just not a romantic or committed one.

 

Cali: If the last time you talked about this is when you started the dynamic you are now in with him then I would revisit that conversation and find out if he's changed his stance on not wanting a relationship. You can tell him that his attention to the romantic during your last session has you a bit confused and you are more then willing to advance the relationship if he is but you want to keep it real if he does not so clarity is needed.

 

I think all of these casual things need to be readdressed when they go on for any length of time or when your lust and infatuation is getting the better of you.

 

Good luck... be brave and don't be afraid of losing your eff buddy. It will only make you open in heart and mind to find something more committed with someone who is ready to value you, and you them for more then the next orgasm and hit of the next oxytocin fix.

 

This advice comes from the presumption that there is a ranking and a certain amount of disregard associated with rl that are casual in some way. Though often true, it is not necessarily so. Also, they each have the power to define terms.

 

OP, flip your own script. OF COURSE he was more appreciative of you. You are a beautiful, captivating woman. He is getting to know you. So what? What do you want that is different? Dates? Then ask about shifting into something with a different focus, and be prepared to ask him out if he is interested in building a rl.

 

GF status? Not there yet.

 

Do not wonder what he thinks of you. Be clear about your intentions with him. Pursue them in your best interest because you honor your intentions. Apply all the rules of mutual respect as any other time. If he isn't interested, let him be.

 

Think of yourself as a team captain. What role is this guy prepared and qualified to play? Fill your team so that each role is well staffed and your needs are met. If you're not dating others, consider it.

Link to comment

Would you rather he bend you over and plant your face against the headboard? Some people enjoy some added intimacy with sex, even with FWBs. If he hasn't said anything directly attributable to taking things further, then I'd say you're thinking too much, which generally doesn't bode well in FWB situations.

Link to comment

The fact that you started this thread, that you are reading so much into trivial gestures and that you openly admitted here that if he was interested, you would be all over dating him, shows me that this FWB arrangement has run its course, as you have developed feelings and once you do that, continuing to be FWB would be nuts. FWBs work as long as there are no feelings involved; you have feelings, therefore you only have 2 options here: 1. end the FWB without telling him the real reason, just say it's no longer working out for you, or 2. end the FWB and have a heart to heart conversation with him, tell him that you would like to take things to the next level and see what he says. If he refuses any further involvement, then the sex needs to end, because continuing with this arrangement would only be torture for you, while it will feel good in the moment, it will just lead to you getting even more attached, empty, sad, feeling inadequate and ultimately heartbroken when he meets a girl he actually falls in love with and he leaves you behind, like a used napkin.

 

None of the things you wrote in your post point towards him having developed feelings; as was said, even fwbs like a bit of "romance" every now and then, especially when drunk. Alcohol may have made him miss the "girlfriend experience" , hence him asking for a candle. I don't know what's the meaning of a kiss on the forehead, it's the first time I hear it has a meaning, I know one of my grandparents used to do that with me but I don't see how would this be related to romance. Also, I have had exes who had more ...umm...stamina when intoxicated, those sessions lasted longer than normal, and it's not because they loved me more during those moments lol. All in all, as long as he doesn't *act* like a boyfriend while sober and is not initiating "the talk" with you, it means he is happy with your arrangement as is and sees you as just sex. Some friendship there too, but basically just sex.

 

If I were you, I would come clean with him about my feelings and let the chips fall where they may. However, the FWB would be over.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...