Kitkat1951 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Just looking for some advice.... I have been having some conflicts with my serious boyfriend of about a year who I live with. He is extremely sexually liberal. Doesn't view sex as a big deal and thinks it is very much a casual thing. I am fairly liberal as well, but maybe not quite as much. The issues are arising because the majority of his friends are women... Extremely attractive ones at that. And I have recently found out he has slept with most of them. He says that they really don't mean anything to him romantically and are just friends. He says that I'm the only woman he has had feelings for in a long time and that I'm overreacting. Over the year of us dating, he has lost touch with many of them or expressed to me that he didn't have much interest in continuing on with the friendship. All of a sudden after we had a conversation about how these friendships make me uncomfortable, he seems to be rekindling them. He recently invited one of them over to our apartment and I got extremely upset and asked him to cancel. Every since then he keeps dropping hints about wanting to hang out with these women again - I guess it's the old "only want what you can't have" idealology. Should I be upset? I have anxiety problems and insecurity ones as well - and things like these eat me up. Am I being reasonable? Thanks all. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Are you exclusive or in an open relationship? It seems he wants a live in relationship plus an open relationship with fwb relationships? He is extremely sexually liberal. Doesn't view sex as a big deal and thinks it is very much a casual thing. He recently invited one of them over to our apartment and I got extremely upset and asked him to cancel. Link to comment
jennydanielle7 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Wait so he's a serious boyfriend? Why the heck are you sticking out with someone who basically just sleeps around? and YES. You should be upset and you aren't overreacting at all! Just because he says that you are the only women that he truly loves doesn't mean it's true! Judge a person by his actions, not his words! This sounds like an incredible toxic relationship, and it is very clear that he doesn't value you. For your own good, I would break it off. There are plenty of wonderful men out there who would treat you with the love and respect you deserve, and one who is FAITHFUL. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Every since then he keeps dropping hints about wanting to hang out with these women again - I guess it's the old "only want what you can't have" idealology. Change that to "only want what I want, when I want it." In short, there's no future with this guy. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Am I being reasonable? I think you're being with the wrong man. If you have anxiety and insecurity issues then being with a man that has collected all his past lovers as "friends" is someone you should distance yourself from so you don't allow him to help you drive yourself insane. There are men out there that don't have a thing to do with their past lovers. Maybe one of them would be better suited to you. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 He is extremely sexually liberal. Doesn't view sex as a big deal and thinks it is very much a casual thing. The issues are arising because the majority of his friends are women... Extremely attractive ones at that. And I have recently found out he has slept with most of them. I would worry that he doesn't think cheating is any big deal either, as long as it's just casual sex and doesn't "mean anything." He's obviously been very sexually promiscuous and has poor boundaries, if he was sleeping with all this friends. All of a sudden after we had a conversation about how these friendships make me uncomfortable, he seems to be rekindling them. He recently invited one of them over to our apartment and I got extremely upset and asked him to cancel. Every since then he keeps dropping hints about wanting to hang out with these women again It seems like he's "asserting his rights" with zero regard for your feelings. I say asserting his rights (in his selfish mind), because he only started doing it all of a sudden after learning that it bothers you. He may be pushing the limits to see how much he can get away with. Or maybe he gets off on causing you to feel insecure. He's doing it on purpose. I have anxiety problems and insecurity ones as well - and things like these eat me up. I agree with what ThatwasThen said about this. If he continues interacting with all these "friends," you're going to feel constantly worried and anxious and suspicious and miserable. Believe me, I've been there. Should I be upset? Am I being reasonable? Yes, and yes! Link to comment
SherrySher Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 He sounds as though he most definitely has a high sex drive and one woman won't be enough for him. He has already told you that he doesn't feel casual sex is a big deal and has been very promicuous. This type of man needs to be in an open relationship because it is highly unlikely he is going to remain sexually faithful to one woman, in fact he won't be. You need to decide if you can handle that or not. I already would be out the door if I heard he slept with most of his women friends. That alone is uncomfortable enough. Link to comment
missmarple Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I would be wary of anyone who sees sex as no big deal. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I have a few private rules for myself when selecting someone to date. First, I won't involve myself with anyone who doesn't match my own values when it comes to sex and relationships. I know myself, and I'm honest with myself. I've recognized that when I have sex, I bond. So it's important for me to be careful about who, exactly, I'll bond with. So gone are the days when I viewed empty sex as sophisticated--it's not. It's empty. Second, I won't involve myself with anyone who still has an ex in the picture in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You're learning why. So you get to decide whether to stick around and pretzel yourself around a guy who doesn't offer the trusting security you want in a relationship. You can make yourself sick doing that, or you can liberate yourself by telling BF that you adore him, but you need to walk away while you both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that sex IS a big deal and monogamy is his thing, and he's done involving himself with exes, he can contact you. If you're still available then, you can meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish him the best. Then I'd walk forward and surprise everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back from a sad choice, but a smart one. Head high. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I have a few private rules for myself when selecting someone to date. First, I won't involve myself with anyone who doesn't match my own values when it comes to sex and relationships. I know myself, and I'm honest with myself. I've recognized that when I have sex, I bond. So it's important for me to be careful about who, exactly, I'll bond with. So gone are the days when I viewed empty sex as sophisticated--it's not. It's empty. Second, I won't involve myself with anyone who still has an ex in the picture in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You're learning why. So you get to decide whether to stick around and pretzel yourself around a guy who doesn't offer the trusting security you want in a relationship. You can make yourself sick doing that, or you can liberate yourself by telling BF that you adore him, but you need to walk away while you both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that sex IS a big deal and monogamy is his thing, and he's done involving himself with exes, he can contact you. If you're still available then, you can meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish him the best. Then I'd walk forward and surprise everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back from a sad choice, but a smart one. Head high.Totally agree and I'll just add that if you take Cats advice, KitKat I suggest you don't remain his "friend." Link to comment
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