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My boyfriend is trying to date other woman on online dating site.


ANGEL13579

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I really need help.

I am so confused. My boyfriend is on online dating site. He said he wants to date other women.

We were on and off relationship for three years.

He seems to very close to me and happy when we are together. He invited me at many of his family events. He saw my parents as well.

The problem is he lives an hour away and I have a son so he needed to drive a lot and we couldn't see each other often.

He got frustrated at some point even though our situation will get better. My son will go to college in two years. He lost his patience.

Now he asked me to move on and he said he will date other women who is more available and live close by.

But I love him so much and I can't move on.

I think he also has a commitment issue as well since his long term was only 2 years and all the other relationship was less than a year.

He is 48 years old now never married.

What should I do? I really don't want to lose him. I think we are very happy together and compatible when we are together.

In our age, it is not easy to find that kind of feelings. He thinks there is a better one out there. He never really tried many women before.

I tried 20 dates with different guys to move on from him because he tried to break up with me several times before.

I couldn't get attracted to any of them. I hope he realized what we had was very special and hard to find.

What is the best thing I do to get him back?

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He is 48 years old now never married.

What should I do?

You should accept that he is never going to marry you either and then do the mental work you need to do to get over him.

He's broken up with you several times. That is natures way of telling you that you're with the wrong person. He is a serial monogamist and is UNABLE to stay with one person for any serious length of time. Time you accepted that, went zero contact with him so that you can rehab from your addiction to him and then when you are at the stage of indifference to him, start your dating again and this time, find someone that wants the same thing you do. He never wanted what you wanted. The first break up should have told you as much, really.

 

Sorry you are hurting... in time, you'll feel your own self and when your son is in college, you'll have the freedom to find someone worth having.

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Unfortunately he made his decision that he did not want to do long distance and broke up. He has moved on. It was on/off for three years and that is not a good sign. It would be best to block him and go no contact and move on also. It's not his fault you aren't attracted to others you date. Just keep trying to date.

We were on and off relationship for three years. he tried to break up with me several times before. he asked me to move on and he said he will date other women who is more available and live close by.
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I know how much this hurts. I just went through similar myself. I think all you can really do here is refuse to have anything to do with him while he's trying out others. Complete NC all the way. Don't be a backup or a friend or a "girlfriend" without the commitment. It's all very heart-breaking, and moving on is far from easy. But he's a selfish jerk, and you deserve better.

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I wish moving on is that easy. If I could, I wouldn't be in this website asking help.

 

It's not easy at all. I'm still having a really hard time, 2 months or so after the final ending with mine. These commitment-phobic guys emotionally tear you apart, and leave you confused and hurt. In a "normal" relationship, breakups seem to come for some specific reason - too much fighting, infidelity, whatever whatever. You can pinpoint the problem. But in your case, and in mine, and in so many other relationships with commitment-phobes, there isn't an easily defined problem. Everything seems wonderful when they're "hot" and then they go "cold" for seemingly no reason at all.

 

Read the book Men Who Can't Love. It's eye-opening.

 

In the meantime, I really think it just takes time, along with a determination not to allow him to hurt you with his back-and-forths anymore.

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I know. I actually could convince him to stay two more years after he initially wanted to break up so I think some people need encouragement especially when they have commitment problem.

I never understood. Because if I want to break up with someone, they can't force me to stay. No matter what they do, I wouldn't stay with them.

But he stayed several years more. And whenever we were together, he seemed to enjoy. So it is a little confusing relationship I guess.

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Now he asked me to move on and he said he will date other women who is more available and live close by.

But I love him so much and I can't move on.

I think he also has a commitment issue as well since his long term was only 2 years and all the other relationship was less than a year.

He is 48 years old now never married.

What should I do? I really don't want to lose him.

 

he doesn't love you, he wants to find someone nearer. He wants to date other women. how will that make you feel?Why do you not want to lose him? Surely you don't want to play second fiddle to other women he may date?

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I know. I actually could convince him to stay two more years after he initially wanted to break up so I think some people need encouragement especially when they have commitment problem.

I never understood. Because if I want to break up with someone, they can't force me to stay. No matter what they do, I wouldn't stay with them.

But he stayed several years more. And whenever we were together, he seemed to enjoy. So it is a little confusing relationship I guess.

 

You see, when you're afflicted with codependency issues, you don't actually leave... the dysfuction goes on as long as the two of you allow it. Its never easy to leave someone you have become addicted to, but the thing is, when there is mistreatment and abuse, when you're not codependent... you are able to leave quite quickly EVEN IF ITS HARD because you love yourself and respect yourself and you KNOW that there is a better man out there for you and if there isn't, then you're better off alone.

 

He came back because he's just a issued with codependency as you are. This is not love, it is addiction to the drama.

 

Read the book Men Who Can't Love. It's eye-opening.

This book does not apply. You should read Codependent No More or anything else to do with codependency so that you stop finding men that "can't love" so damned attractive. Lostlove.. your ex is not a commitmentphobe. He is currently committed if I remember correctly. Even if he's not... codependency is your issue and it is this Op's issue if they continue to try and change men like your ex and her ex.

 

Work on yourselves and you will find a good man that is actually worth having who wants what you both want.

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But hanging on to someone who constantly wants to break up is not good. Let go mentally rather than become obsessed with someone who is always trying to leave you.

 

That's not encouragement that begging and desperation.

I actually could convince him to stay two more years after he initially wanted to break up so I think some people need encouragement
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I know. I actually could convince him to stay two more years after he initially wanted to break up so I think some people need encouragement especially when they have commitment problem.
If you were actually ready to be committed yourself and you had good self-worth you would have never been with a guy that has never been with someone for more then two years in the first place, you would have backed off knowing that he's not a good candidate for anything long term. You would have certainly not begged for him back after the first break up. You're just as much of a "commitment phobe" as he since you knew he wouldn't commit but you kept with him... because he's safe... he won't commit.
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This book does not apply. You should read Codependent No More or anything else to do with codependency so that you stop finding men that "can't love" so damned attractive. Lostlove.. your ex is not a commitmentphobe. He is currently committed if I remember correctly. Even if he's not... codependency is your issue and it is this Op's issue if they continue to try and change men like your ex and her ex.

 

I honestly don't have the energy to debate this. I will say that yes, he seems to be committed to someone else right now (as I have gathered based solely on facebook stalking) but he was committed to me for periods of time, as well. My fear is that he'll stay with her, but based on his previous dating history, odds are that he won't. Who knows, though. I could delve further into it, but as I said, I just don't have the energy. No offense.

 

I still think the book applies.

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I honestly don't have the energy to debate this. I will say that yes, he seems to be committed to someone else right now (as I have gathered based solely on facebook stalking) but he was committed to me for periods of time, as well. My fear is that he'll stay with her, but based on his previous dating history, odds are that he won't. Who knows, though. I could delve further into it, but as I said, I just don't have the energy. No offense.

 

I still think the book applies.

Then you are just as commitment phobic (as is this op) if you continue to date men that won't commit to you. It is a pattern that keeps you just as uncommitted as the men you accuse. If you and our Op were NOT commitment phobic, if you were actually ready to be committed, then you would not find men like you both had worth returning to. You would accept their Phobia and you would stay the hell away from them so that you could be open enough in heart and mind to find someone that wants to commit like you do.
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I didn't know about his commitment issue until later on. I think if he was never serious about me or never loved me, he wouldn't bring me to his family events.

He said he was abused by his old three brothers when he was young and his father never gave him love.

Emotionally, he is a little vulnerable and afraid to talk serious issue if that is involved with deep emotion.

I would have moved on already if he never responded when he first break up with me. I tried to convince him and he listened and tried instead of ignoring.

I think if I leave him, he will never cherish long term relationship in his life. I hoped he could be mature in time. I wanted to be patient and understanding toward his issue. It worked for a while.

I would had left him right away, if we had a serious issue. I am not a dependent type. If I were, I would never have left my ex husband after 10 years of marriage.

However, I guess I will leave him a lone for a while. If we are meant to be, he will come back.

 

Is there any other advice or alternative solution other than simply moving on?

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Then you are just as commitment phobic (as is this op) if you continue to date men that won't commit to you. It is a pattern that keeps you just as uncommitted as the men you accuse. If you and our Op were NOT commitment phobic, if you were actually ready to be committed, then you would not find men like you both had worth returning to. You would accept their Phobia and you would stay the hell away from them so that you could be open enough in heart and mind to find someone that wants to commit like you do.

 

I actually agree with this! There are active CP's (my ex, OP's ex) and passive CP's (me, her). I think the book explained this very well, but I read several, so I can't remember for sure if it was this book or another one.

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He is not cherishing this ltr, because it was on/off, and he left you stating he doesn't want a ldr and he wants to date other women. Overcompensating and over-investing does not help you.

I think if I leave him, he will never cherish long term relationship in his life. I hoped he could be mature in time. I wanted to be patient and understanding toward his issue.
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I will try to read "Man who can't love". lostlove76

I think that book might give me some wisdom.

I never had this much heartache in my whole life. I am pretty decisive and strong usually.

I think your description about commitment phobe is very accurate.

There is no serious issue to break up between us at all!!

That is why I am so sad.

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You can label him with stuff but that is just doing a postmortem on the relationship, not moving on. Being chronically on/off, not wanting to be long distance or wanting to date other women are serious issues

There is no serious issue to break up between us at all!
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I will try to read "Man who can't love". lostlove76

I think that book might give me some wisdom.

I never had this much heartache in my whole life. I am pretty decisive and strong usually.

I think your description about commitment phobe is very accurate.

There is no serious issue to break up between us at all!!

That is why I am so sad.

 

The author is Steven Carter?

 

Yep, that's the one. Do read it. I found comfort in it, because it sorted out some of the confusion and helped me not take things so personally. It could have been written almost word-for-word about my ex, and probably yours. It's amazing how many men follow the exact same patterns. Some people don't think there's any such thing as commitment-phobia, but I fully believe that it's a "thing". Otherwise, this book wouldn't have been so spot-on.

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You might be right. Wiseman2

I think at this moment, I will just leave him a lone and give him freedom to explore things he wants to try.

But if he comes back, I want to prepare I won't scare him off again and try to work on our relationship more wisely.

I think he has a key now. Either he will be gone forever or come back to me.

I want to be patient. I think a little sacrifice is worth for him. Love makes you more patient, I guess.

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Thank you. lostlove76

Your ID makes me so sad.

I feel your pain. I never had this pain with any other men.

So I believe there is something to do with his issue.

Whenever, I initiate serious talk, he used to be panic. He said "You are giving me mental breaking down." He seemed really serious when he said that. He can't continue any serious talk

without panicking. Other that those things, he is very talkative and confident with conversation. I felt he had some emotional issues. I know guys don't enjoy serious talk but not that degree.

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Ok you need some reality check here!

1. One hour is not long distance. I travel half an hour one way to go to work every day, and I don't see it as "far"

2. A relationship with a man who has profiles on dating sites posing as single is not a relationship. At all.

3. A man who tells you he wants to date other women does not love you. Heck, he doesn't even like you all that much.

 

Why on earth would you consider giving the time of day to a man - a 48 year old man at that, not a young guy who wants to explore life before settling down! - who disrespects you to this degree??? Even worse, why would you consider taking him back, after having dated and slept with who knows how many other women, with your knowledge and blessing? You call this "a little sacrifice"? In the name of love??? Sometimes I can't believe what I'm reading, to be honest. I guess it's true what they say, you ask for little, little you'll get.

You're saying this kind of feelings are not that easy to find. What feelings? What do you see that special about your non-relationship, that you want to hold on to it? Unfortunately, the kind of "feelings" you think you are experiencing are everywhere these days - people not wanting to commit, not wanting to work on anything that requires a little bit of effort, wanting to experience "variety" and not stick with one person only. So if that's what you crave so much, yeah, you have it. It's sad though that you truly believe this is the best you can do...

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Oh please, the old "boo hoo, I'm so AFRAID!!!" excuse.

 

BS.

 

These men do it because they've found women who will put up with it. And when they cheat or lie or break up with them YET AGAIN, what does the woman do? Try to find a way to lure him back, instead of getting MAD and saying "I'm mad as hell and I'm not taking it anymore!!!"

 

Do you love him more than you love yourself?

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