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Parent and relationships problems


Council35

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So clearly i need help sooo i will get right into the story.....sorry its so long

 

I am a 25 year old male who is in a relationship with my 19 year old girlfriend. I met her on a dating website and we've been dating for about 5 months. She has some family issues due to not getting support from her family witch has resulted in some depression issues for her, she expressed some money issues she had with me just being overwhelmed trying to handle things on her own..i offered her some help in witch she rejected many times but after a while she did let me help her with food,gas and etc...as for me i have never been in a serious relationship, i have a few friends i hang with every now and then but for the most part i work and hang out with my family (i live with my parents) I also was a virgin when 1st meeting her but after spending so much time with her i wanted to take things to the next level (she made it very clear that she would wait for me) so we started getting hotels a lot of course she didn't have it to help pay for them so i was paying for everything she did always tell me that once she got back on track money wise she would pay me back she even cried because she wasn't able to do for me as i did for her but to get to the point we did run into a few problems once family got involved. My family didn't like the fact the i was staying out late, not coming home, spending a lot of money....they warned me that she could be using me. I value my parents opinions very much so this did make me question my relationship with her. There are a few things about her that make me uncomfortable such as weed smoking and depression but i knew this when we 1st met she has been 100% honest with me but after talking with my parents i chose to break up with her, so i texted her and told her "i'm changing and i don't like it. Sorry" she than texted back saying "I am perfect as I am" begging me not to give up but i ignored her..she later showed up to my job to talk, she was crying and after talking for about 2 hours i decided to work things out we kissed and i told her i would call her before work. once i returned home to inform my family that i was going to work things out with her they were upset and somehow talked me out of staying with her AGAIN. I never called her back, she texted me, called me and even snap chat me . i ignored her for that whole day then texted her the next day saying "i need space respect that!!" she said "ok take the time you need and i will be here waiting, love you forever and always" so now my question is should i do? should i listen to my parents or stay with her????

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What does "problems interracial couple" have to do with this? At 25 you can make your own decisions. Does she also live with her parents? Did your parents think she was a prostitute because you were spending money on her and going to hotels for sex?

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My family didn't like the fact the i was staying out late, not coming home, spending a lot of money....they warned me that she could be using me.

I'm agreeing with them that she does appear to be using you. If she is having so much trouble with money management, then how does she have money to buy marijuana? Are you giving her money to buy narcotics?

 

If she's so depressed, then why aren't you taking her to counseling?

 

she later showed up to my job to talk, she was crying and after talking for about 2 hours i decided to work things out

So now she shows up bringing drama to your workplace, potentially putting your proffesional reputation at risk. I wouldn't blame your parents for thinking she is bad news for this stunt she pulled.

 

I am confused by the title of your post, as I don't see where there is any racial concerns.

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she said she lost her job witch caused her to get behind on her car note also her family needed help with rent so she took out two payday loans. Soo after paying her bills she has no money left over for going out or anything not even food most of the time. shes always hungry so of course i feed her but she doesn't like for me to spend a lot of money on her

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She works but all her money goes to paying off her debt..her friends buy it for her. she doesn't smoke all the time just socially and she does do therapy once a week

She's in debt and free loads narcotics off her friends. She sounds like a great catch!

 

Perhaps she should to stay off the drugs and finish her therapy sessions.

 

they want me home before 12am they don't like me out late little lone staying out for 2-3 days at a time

Are you 25 or 12?

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Yes my dad seen my bank account so that is one of their problems but they also are upset because i spent most of my time with her. they want me home before 12am they don't like me out late little lone staying out for 2-3 days at a time

 

You think it is reasonable at your age to have a curfew? Why do you not move out? On the other hand if it is your first relationship, they may have a point in being worried that you are taken advantage of.

 

On a side note, your girlfriend could sell her car and find alternative ways of transportation. Also weird how her friends are so willingly feeding her weed habit but not helping her with food. Lastly, going out is not a necessity. She should not be out of money because of that and wondering at her age how could she be so deep into debt when she lives with her parents . Does she pay their bills?.

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Also weird how her friends are so willingly feeding her weed habit but not helping her with food. Lastly, going out is not a necessity. She should not be out of money because of that and wondering at her age how could she be so deep into debt when she lives with her parents?

I agree. That is definitely weird the girlfriend should choose weed over food, but expects her boyfriend to take her out to dinner each time? What great company she keeps! Ain't she living large!

 

Something isn't right here at all. She can't be in total debt and her parents are still covering her medical insurance if she's in therapy. What she needs to do:

 

1. Stay off the drugs. This is making her problems worse and therapy is useless if she's doing this to herself.

2. Choose new friends who aren't ILLEGAL dealers.

3. Take part-time college classes and pick up a second job.

4. Apply for welfare stamps, go to soup kitchens or local food drives for food.

 

Unfortunately OP, this is all on her. Giving her handouts or free money will not fix this problem. I know you are trying to help her out, but as a 19 year old, she needs to learn how to handle her own debt and financial responsibilities. Do not get involved with any drama between her and her family- she needs to work it out.

 

I'll be very honest: her coming to you with ALL this drama and problems really does sound like she's playing your "white knight syndrome." Ok she cries and everything, but exactly is she contributing to her relationship with you? And what are you exactly gaining from this relationship BESIDES sex? I guarantee this is the main reason why your family doesn't seem to like your girlfriend. She brings in a lot of emotional and financial baggage and comes across as having YOU to fix it for her... with her crying.

 

Until she is emotionally stable (which she isn't) she should not be in a relationship. Narcotics and depression are a terrible mix to place within a relationship.

 

your girlfriend could sell her car and find alternative ways of transportation.

Maybe, depending on where she lives. I've lived in multiple areas where you MUST have a car to get around since public transportation isn't available. No Uber, cab, bus, or subway. Not everyone lives in a city environment.

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Your parents love you very much and want what is best for you. However being self dependent is somewhat vital. You are 25, make a decision then communicate your decision to either your parents or gf. Be firm.

 

That's my problem when i'm around her face to face i chose her every time but when i get back home my parents talk me out of it and they make me question everything i have with her. Just like when she came to my job, I told her I loved her and that i was going to tell my parents that i was staying with her, I kissed her, told her i would call her later but once i got home everything changed, i don't want to fight with my parents so i never called her.

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Two things:

 

-She has no money, yet she can buy weed?

 

-You're 25. Why are your parents dictating how late you come home and whom you date?

 

Not that they don't have some valid points about her, mind you. But man up and live your own life. You're in your mid-20s, living like a teenager.

 

Why don't you move out?

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She has no friends that are "iilegal dealers" this is not TV. Her friends also smoke not sell but smoke weed in the event that they are together (witch is rare because she mostly around me) her and her friends smoke. so its not the matter of her choosing weed over food. though i do think she should quit and i did mention that to her. she said she agreed and would quit. she said its just something she does socially. as far as her money i did forget to mention that i did actually see proof that she is in some debt witch she has been working over time to pay off and also she never ask me for anything EVER. going out to eat, hotels etc was all my idea she often wanted to try things to do for free so i would not have to pay. Soooo heres my problem you all sound excaly like my parents so i have to make things clear because i need to get good advice without making her seem like shes something shes not.

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Soooo heres my problem you all sound excaly like my parents so i have to make things clear because i need to get good advice without making her seem like shes something shes not.

 

Maybe, just maybe, we sound like your parents because your parents are right.

 

And you honestly sound like a 16yo boy. I can't wrap my head around you being a 25yo man.

 

If you don't like what your parents have to say, put on your big-boy pants and move out. Why are you still at home?

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No she never buys weed, honestly she doesn't even really smoke at all only when shes with her friend....

I don't think i'm ready to move out. is it unfair to not break up with her but just tell her i need space until i choose?

 

a) Why aren't you ready? What will it take?

 

b) Yes, it's unfair to keep her dangling while you take time to decide if you choose her or your parents.

 

You really, really need to grow up. Cut the umbilical cord, man.

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Think im going to start a new post seems everyone is focus on the wrong thing. this post was not made to bash her but to get advice on if i should leave her or not.

 

I was not bashing your gf at all. i was trying to give you another perspective so you can make the best decision for yourself. You could either stay with her or not. That was your question isn't it?

 

So...

 

1) You should make your opinion as whether she may be taking advantage of you

 

2) If you decide to stay with her, you need to be more assertive with your parents. One solution would be to move out if you cannot be in agreement with your parents.

 

Are your parents generally controlling other aspects of your life?

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