Controlling ex

I really need some advice/opinions on my situation, as I no longer know where to turn..(last three paragraphs are my my real concern, the rest is just background info)

I dated a girl for close to two years but we are no longer dating. I went through a rough period when the company I worked for got bought out and consequently was laid of. After about two weeks of being unemployed she dumped me and said things weren't working out (talk about getting kicked while your down). We were living together at the time so I packed things up and left. I didn't talk to here any for close to two weeks (even though she reached out to me frequently). One day she sent me a text saying things weren't the same without me and she wanted me back in her life. She claimed she realized what she had and that she felt we would be stronger from it.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and we started dating again and I landed a job in a new city. She said that she wanted to go with me and start fresh. With that being said she was adamant about getting her own apartment bc she said she needed her own space and "how could she know if I was the one" if we were always on top of each other. Well not long after I got up here she went on a bachelorette trip for a few days. That weekend I went to meet up with some guy friends at the beach. The whole time I was there she accused me of chasing other girls (my friends were all single). I assured her I wasn't. Still she kept on my case.

When we both got back she acted skeptical about our relationship, saying she couldnt trust me. I seriously started to wonder if she was just deflected guilt (on her part towards me). Though I know it was wrong I ended up looking through her texts and found out she was texting another guy and trying to meet up with him downtown. She was also texting her sister and her sister said to "make a move" my ex replied back and said "I will if I see them again". She claimed she never cheated on me and she ended things with me.

Now we are living in the same apartment complex. I have been trying to leave her alone and do my own thing but I have bumped into her several times randomly and each time she goes crazy on me. One time she broke down crying, asking if I was seeing other people, another time she came out to the dog park when I was there and ended up storming off bc I wasn't talking to her enough. She would say she didn't want anything to do with me, but a few days later she would always call me and start ing at me. Here recently she called me when my parents were in town and told me that she needed some of her furniture back bc I was up to no good and she didn't want other b'ches on her couch. I gave her stuff back the next day. Then just yesterday after about 5 days of NC she sends me a text asking me a question - followed by your probably with your dog park b'tch, have fun with that. Apparently she saw me talking to a girl at the dog park and said it was disrespectful to the relationship and how she was sick of seeing me around with other girls. She said she felt like I did it on purpose so that she would see me there(?) which isn't true because I thought she was out of town.

I just don't know what to do anymore. If I try to talk to her she pushes me away. If I try to move on she goes crazy on me. I try to avoid her but it's really impossible unless I stay locked inside my apartment. Earlier today she blocked me on all social media and someone told me about her posting something saying she was moving on with her life (which she's said a few times already).

Do I just continue to be a punching bag? Do I stick up for myself and tell her off if she bumps into me again? I don't want to start any drama but at this point it is hard for me to take what I consider emotional abuse, anymore.

Dump her with extreme prejudice, block her....regain your sanity and self respect.....go meet sane nice women......

Enough said.

This sounds like it's getting a little psycho. You need to sever all ties and go no contact. Block her and ignore her.

I was up to no good and she didn't want other b'ches on her couch. I gave her stuff back the next day.

I guess at the end of the day I just wish I knew why she was doing all this. I'm pretty sure I will never know though... I just want peace again. I wanted it with her but as mention I was shunned away, so I've been attempting to find peace by making new friends and moving on 😔

She's "doing this" because she has a mental disorder which she's clearly not getting the right help for. You can't reason with crazy. I suggest that you tape record every interaction you have with her so that you have evidence of her crazy and then, if need be, get a restraining order against her. Do that after you've told her that you will not tolerate her inappropriate and abusive tactics any longer and to please keep herself out of your face.

She does it because you let her. She's abusive, she has anger management issues, she's a cheater and she's upset with you because of her delusions. Frankly, She sounds like someone with untreated borderline personality disorder with her "come here, now go away" actions. She's painted you black now and she will only paint you white again when she fears you've abandoned her and that's when she'll beg for you back again. Google borderline personality disorder and see if she ticks most of the boxes.

Document all of her abuse.. written, verbal and anything in between so that you have fodder for that restraining order. Move if it continues if you don't want to go the police/lawyer route with her.

She's not all there mentally.

It sounds like jealousy and suspicion, no? That text about why she wanted her couch back is a doozy. Why did she move to that area with you but decide to live in the same complex but not together? Isn't that weird in itself?

I guess at the end of the day I just wish I knew why she was doing all this.

Earlier today she blocked me on all social media and someone told me about her posting something saying she was moving on with her life (which she's said a few times already).

 

Do I just continue to be a punching bag? Do I stick up for myself and tell her off if she bumps into me again? I don't want to start any drama but at this point it is hard for me to take what I consider emotional abuse, anymore.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds miserable. My advice is stop being reactive (waiting to see what she does next), and start being PRO-active about creating a better environment for yourself.

1. She blocked you on social media? You should have already blocked her long ago. Do it now.

2. Texting and calling: block her number immediately via your cell phone company. If she tries using alternate numbers, you'll have to change yours.

3. Get out your lease and read up about options for breaking it. Talk to your landlord. You are going to get zero peace as long as the two of you are living in the same complex.

4. Find another dog park to go to. Dogs love new adventures and new places. And car rides! So drive a little further and find a place where you and your dog can relax in a crazy-free zone.

5. Avoid her when you can, and don't engage first. If she engages with you, say calmly, "I have nothing to say to you," and walk away. Don't argue with her. As others have said, you can't argue with crazy. Your best bet is to try and diffuse the drama by simply not buying into it, and making it boring and unsatisfying for her.

Good luck. I hope things improve for you soon!

It sounds like jealousy and suspicion, no? That text about why she wanted her couch back is a doozy. Why did she move to that area with you but decide to live in the same complex but not together? Isn't that weird in itself?

The moving in the same complex but separate apartments thing was definately a red flag. She pitched it as her family didn't approve of it (religious reasons) and she said we would have our own space but still be able to hang out whenever we wanted...

In reality it seems to me that this was a calculated move - since the first time we broke up I told her I couldnt be just friends with her... Maybe she thought she would reel me back in until she knew I was locked into something and she could keep me at arms length..

Surely she's isn't that crazy?? But idk

This and the couch text really point to that. Does she think you are still dating exclusively?

The moving in the same complex but separate apartments thing was definately a red flag. Surely she's isn't that crazy?? But idk

Also today I went to the dog park and saw the girl I talked to yesterday (for a 2-3 hours). She literally left within a minute of me getting there, without saying a word. I am beginning to wonder if the ex said something to her too...

I am planning to break the lease for my own health. Truthfully it is going to cost me a lot of money but idk what else I can do. I don't know how I could sustain this way of living for 10-11 more months!

Good idea. Cut your losses. it sounds crazy having her literally in your backyard. who knows if she's on some smear campaign?

I am planning to break the lease for my own health. Truthfully it is going to cost me a lot of money but idk what else I can do. I don't know how I could sustain this way of living for 10-11 more months!

This and the couch text really point to that. Does she think you are still dating exclusively?

Oh no.. She's made it very clear that she is done and can't date me. She also said that she felt like she was pretty clear that she just wanted to be friends and civil with each other.

I thought I made it clear that I don't want to be just friends and the civil part seems impossible with the way she acts (she has even admitted that she is a crazy girl sometimes - she's pure lost her mind at this point though)

This and the couch text really point to that. Does she think you are still dating exclusively?

Sorry I may have misunderstood you. No she doesn't think I am exclusive with one girl. She thinks I'm running around with a bunch of girls.

She's "doing this" because she has a mental disorder which she's clearly not getting the right help for. You can't reason with crazy. I suggest that you tape record every interaction you have with her so that you have evidence of her crazy and then, if need be, get a restraining order against her. Do that after you've told her that you will not tolerate her inappropriate and abusive tactics any longer and to please keep herself out of your face.

 

She does it because you let her. She's abusive, she has anger management issues, she's a cheater and she's upset with you because of her delusions. Frankly, She sounds like someone with untreated borderline personality disorder with her "come here, now go away" actions. She's painted you black now and she will only paint you white again when she fears you've abandoned her and that's when she'll beg for you back again. Google borderline personality disorder and see if she ticks most of the boxes.

 

Document all of her abuse.. written, verbal and anything in between so that you have fodder for that restraining order. Move if it continues if you don't want to go the police/lawyer route with her.

 

She's not all there mentally.

She definitely meets some of the criteria for that. Her mom is bipolar and has periods of extreme depression herself. She is single and been through two marriages and the ex claims she ran both men off.

I've been thinking leaning towards a narcistic sociopath but I'm no doctor or psychologist. Definitely something wrong mentally though.

There is no such thing as a controlling X, just those that are controlled by their Xs. The wonderful part about an X is that you no longer have to care, listen, worry, or think about. This is your X and if you ask her two previous hubbys why they 'ran off' I am sure you know the answer to that already. This woman needs a professional.

She accuses you of cheating to justify her actions. You knew that already. And she acts like this to you to this day because you allow it. She doesnt care about what you think or how you feel. You can tell her until you are blue in the face that you want nothing to do with her, dont need to be civil because you dont want to be friends because she wont care. She has zero respect for herself and is projecting that onto you. You are close by, convenient, and an easy outlet for her problems.

She is also probably thinking you are hers and will not allow you to even talk to another woman as long as she is near you. I feel bad because as long as she is in the same complex your life is going to be a living hell. So give her back every single thing that is hers (if you havent done that already) Blocking is no good because she sounds crazy enough to use other phones so remember to just NOT RESPOND. She is going to use a variety of methods, anger, guild, sadness, depression and pull on your heart strings. Dont respond.. if you do, it wont matter what work you have put in because you just reset her thinking.

Also...maybe you want to document every interaction she has with you. If she talks, yells, texts, calls, threatened, emailed, messaged on FB or whatever. Document..I tell you this for your protection. I have a feeling she is not above calling the cops on you or filing a R.O against you.

Good luck with crazy X. Maybe you should start looking for another area to live in.

There is no such thing as a controlling X, just those that are controlled by their Xs. The wonderful part about an X is that you no longer have to care, listen, worry, or think about. This is your X and if you ask her two previous hubbys why they 'ran off' I am sure you know the answer to that already. This woman needs a professional.

She accuses you of cheating to justify her actions. You knew that already. And she acts like this to you to this day because you allow it. She doesnt care about what you think or how you feel. You can tell her until you are blue in the face that you want nothing to do with her, dont need to be civil because you dont want to be friends because she wont care. She has zero respect for herself and is projecting that onto you. You are close by, convenient, and an easy outlet for her problems.

She is also probably thinking you are hers and will not allow you to even talk to another woman as long as she is near you. I feel bad because as long as she is in the same complex your life is going to be a living hell. So give her back every single thing that is hers (if you havent done that already) Blocking is no good because she sounds crazy enough to use other phones so remember to just NOT RESPOND. She is going to use a variety of methods, anger, guild, sadness, depression and pull on your heart strings. Dont respond.. if you do, it wont matter what work you have put in because you just reset her thinking.

Also...maybe you want to document every interaction she has with you. If she talks, yells, texts, calls, threatened, emailed, messaged on FB or whatever. Document..I tell you this for your protection. I have a feeling she is not above calling the cops on you or filing a R.O against you.

Good luck with crazy X. Maybe you should start looking for another area to live in.

Coincidentally I was offered a job back where I moved from. I turned it down a couple times but they really wanted me and kept pursuing. With my situation being what it is I decided it was in my best interest to take the position. Luckily it was a pay raise... Still it was hard to tell my current employer as I had only been there for two months. It will be pretty costly to get out of the lease and it is unfortunate that its come to this.

Just to clarify the two marriages I referred to, were my exs mom, which seems to have issues herself. She has always tried to control/influence my ex and her decisions.

Excellent. In the long run getting out of the lease will be worth every penny.

Coincidentally I was offered a job back where I moved from.

People only control you and your situation if you allow it.