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Chronically late girlfriend


donkeypickle

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Well, where to start... sorry this is a bit of a long post, but hopefully it's quite interesting or entertaining!...

 

My girlfriend is chronically late. We've been seeing each other for 9 months, and during that time she's turned up late to 95% of our dates. That's a realistic number, not an exaggerated one. She's not just a few minutes late either. She'll typically be at least twenty minutes late, but not infrequently she'll be an hour or more late. I've been so patient with her, and whilst I've expressed clearly that it's frustrating, I don't want to ruin the mood and turn it into an argument when she does finally turn up. However, the impact on the relationship is real, and some resentment is definitely starting to build up.

 

I've waited for over an hour in restaurants on more than one occasion. It's embarrassing. She's always very apologetic when she arrives but always has some sort of excuse, i.e. she couldn't find a particular dress she wanted to wear, or she had to feed her cat, or she got stuck on the phone, or her makeup took longer than she thought it would. I resent the excuses because I know the real reason is she simply can't get her act together. Looking back, even on our first date she was 50 minutes late and blamed it on the taxi driver not turning up on time. The last couple of times we've arranged to meet, she's actually been two or three hours late! It seems the problem is actually getting worse, not better, in spite of the fact it obviously bothers me and by now I've made that very clear.

 

Most recently (last night) we'd arranged to meet some friends at 7pm in a pub for a pre-theatre drink. She explained she was leaving work at 5.30 and would have to head home first to do some things but could meet up by 8pm. So far, fair enough. But at 8.15pm, she sent me a text saying: "just leaving now!". I stared at my phone in disbelief, not quite sure how to respond... the exact same thing has happened before but I'm just lost for words... I replied to say "OK, see you soon", and headed over to the theatre with my friends. 30 mins came and went. An hour passed, then an hour and a half. Finally she turned up TWO HOURS LATER looking absolutely knockout, but the evening was pretty much over. I'd paid for her ticket and she'd missed the whole thing. My friends like her but they've seen this happen first hand on more than one occasion, and they think it's very odd behaviour. So do I.

 

She gave me the "Just leaving now!" line last week as well - we'd arranged to go for a walk at 3pm. She eventually turned up at 5pm, over an hour after she'd led me to believe she'd left her place (she lives 15 mins away). I found myself almost lecturing her about her lateness when she turned up.... then realised I was upsetting her, so I changed the subject and tried to make the most of the afternoon. I'm not sure if I can keep doing that though.

 

Maybe I should also mention at this point that she spends longer in the bathroom than anyone I've ever met. It's starting to dawn on me that this is the reason she's always so late for things. When she stayed over the first time, I was truly shocked when she spent over an hour in the bathroom. I'm not used to that sort of behaviour. An hour and a half in the bathroom is not unusual either - I've even known her to take two hours. True story: a movie was on TV, and it was one of those sort of epic movies that lasts over two hours. She entered the bathroom as the opening credits were going, and I heard her come out as the closing credits were rolling! She looks the same - or better - before she even goes in there! I've told her that she doesn't need to worry about her appearance, that she looks great to me anyway - but it hasn't had an effect. She says she has her bathroom rituals and it is what it is.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. She's a wonderful person - so kind, sweet and loving, but this chronic lateness problem, maybe caused by her worrying obsessively about her appearance (guessing due to the time spent in the bathroom?) is really starting to cause me to doubt the relationship.

 

Any ideas? Maybe some of you have experiences you could share. Does this sort of behaviour ever change?

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Oooff, that's frustrating. A couple of minutes here and there is understandable, but it sounds like her norm is around 2 hours. It clearly isn't registering with her, so maybe, instead of just bringing up how inconsiderate she's being, set a time for yourself that you'll be willing to wait. So instead of waiting on her for 2 hours, give her 30 minutes max. and then go on with your day. If she contacts you about why you're not at the restaurant, you could say that you didn't think she'd show and you had made other plans for the evening. Don't even be critical, but say it nonchalantly. Maybe if she sees the consequences of her behavior, she'll try harder to be on time.

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Since this is an adult who, obviously, has a job, of course she can be on time if she wants to. And why would she want to when you've gone along with this for 9 months and you won't even tell her how rude she is because you might 'upset' her?

Start leaving when she's more than 15 minutes late and see what she does.

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Uhhh... put your foot down?

 

My mom's family is Spanish. Together with Brazilians, we're the kings and queens of showing up late. But when it comes to one-on-one engagements and where punctuality is important, you respect the other person(s)'s time.

 

I'd have dumped your girlfriend the moment she gave me any one of the excuses she gave you. My current girlfriend is a resident who's on-call several nights a week. She naturally gets a pass if she gets called in or has to stay late for an emergency. But she knows I've got no tolerance for the cute "I'll be ready in 15 minutes (but really I mean 45)" crap. Really, for all the archaic gender norms I can vaguely understand, I can't get behind some women getting a pass for that. I get they need more time to get ready, just factor it in. Luckily, my gal's great with time management and this has never been an issue. Obviously I'm not riding her if she's taking 5 minutes longer, but I usually plan to leave early enough to where it's not a big deal.

 

It's up to you to represent yourself and if you feel disrespected by her lateness (as I would) and she has no interest in changing her ways, I'd find someone else. Plenty of women out there who will respect you and your time.

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This is disrespectful behavior and very rude. She keeps doing it, because you keep accepting it. Nothing will change unless you tell her you are no longer accepting the lateness.

It doesn't matter how much time she spends fixing herself up, she can plan ahead and make it work out on time if she wants to. You need to tell her that you will accept a few minutes of lateness (15 at most) and if she goes beyond that, you won't be there. End of.

If it still doesn't change, seriously consider if this relationship is worth this nonsense. Anyone's patience would wear thin. It would ruin the entire plan you had and who would want that over and over?

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She's more than chronically late, she's excessively late.

 

I guess, if I were in your shoes and felt I wanted to stay with her, I'd plan differently. Maybe wait until she texts "Just leaving now!" before you leave, wait a bit, then text "Me, too!"? Realistically, though, I think you could have a Plan A and a Plan B. Plan A is your planned (and agreed) time you are meeting. Plan B is what YOU do when she doesn't show up within a certain time frame. (For me, it might be 15 minutes, depending.) Plan B can be something YOU find satisfactory, maybe another activity. Only pay for her if she show's up on time, and don't pay in advance. For tickets, that may mean she can't sit with you, or may not get in. Which is disappointing for both of you, but as it stands now, she doesn't miss out by being late and you do. If it is not a ticketed event, but something like meeting for dinner, if she's not there on time, leave after waiting 15 or so minutes and you can text her "I see plans have changed, sorry to have missed you" and then leave, turn your phone off, and go do your fun Plan B.

 

It doesn't have to be a scene. She'll find she can't mistreat you so, and she may either change, or live with it, or decide to find someone else she can mistreat.

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Being late is a deal breaker for me. I have friends that are chronically 15-30 minutes late and I just don't invite them out anymore because it drives me nuts.

 

Plan a date, tell her you'll be there 2 hours before you plan to be, let her show up without you, and let her wait.

 

(I say that because I can be vindictive. But she deserves it).

 

And then i would dump her. Chronic lateness is absolutely a no go for me and she won't change. If you're resenting it now, it'll only get worse.

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Thanks, yes it's time to put my foot down or make a plan b, or give her a taste of her own medicine... BUT what I'm wondering is: does this story resonate with anyone who has experienced this? Did their behaviour change after they "put their foot down"? Because I think its a type of behaviour that may be beyond changing, and I'm curious if anyone has anecdotal evidence to the contrary.

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On a side note: I have a friend who is chronically late. She overbooks her time, is highly social and is friendly to everyone, very talkative. After she got grief from others and then for being late to a scheduled appointment she did some soul searching, and admitted it was something that she might not be able to change. She might have decided to try to do less I don't know, but she has her priorities, and other things, people, events seem to be treated as optional. Once I realized that I stopped making much of an effort with her (our paths have gone in different directions and I haven't connected with her in ages) or expecting much from her. Once in awhile we meet up and enjoy each other's company, but it's a token friendship at this point and I accept it for what it is.

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what I'm wondering is: does this story resonate with anyone who has experienced this?

 

I'd be really surprised if you could find even one person who has kept waiting for a friend or partner for 1-2 hours for no serious reason. I've never met anyone in my life...I have friends who are chronically late but that means 10-15 minutes..not hours!

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I've known people to change when they are motivated by doing the right thing -i.e. not being rude. But what I would do -if you want to keep seeing her - is tell her one time that if she is more than 15 minutes late you are leaving/doing your own thing, whatever. If it is not a life and death situation and she misses something you have tickets to, she has to pay you for the ticket (both if you also missed it for some reason). What I did once -although I ended things soon after - I dated someone who was rudely/chronically late. One time, he showed up 45 minutes late and was waiting downstairs in the car (no parking). I sat upstairs for 30 minutes before going down, telling him that since he was so late I had to get ready all over again. (And this was pre-cellphone when people could call and let you know about lateness).

 

If a tickets related thing happens one more time then either end things or understand you cannot count on her to do activities -including plane trips -that require timeliness.

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Thanks, yes it's time to put my foot down or make a plan b, or give her a taste of her own medicine... BUT what I'm wondering is: does this story resonate with anyone who has experienced this? Did their behaviour change after they "put their foot down"? Because I think its a type of behaviour that may be beyond changing, and I'm curious if anyone has anecdotal evidence to the contrary.

 

I was typing my side note as you posted this, so this is in addition. The friend I mentioned and another person were 2 important people in my life for a number of years. I was so flexible, their excuses for missing our plans or keeping me waiting seemed legit and I was understanding about it, despite the frustration and difficulty it caused me. Both seem very sincere and believe in their plans, but I had to get to the point where I realized their view of plans and my view of plans are different. When I make plans with someone I see it as a promise on my part. For years I thought they felt the same, but now I think they see it as "a good idea" but not a "promise". So if everything works out (I call it "if planets align") then they'll show up and follow through. But their assumption and vision is different than mine. We are each free to have our own points of view, and to choose people who are more aligned with our own for the sake of our happiness.

 

I want to add, both of these people I loved being with when our plans did work out. They are wonderful in many respects. Letting them loose was hard, but I have much less stress and frustration, and am overall happier.

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I had a boyfriend who was late our first two or three dates. I put a stop to it right then and there after I realized that it was not just a one time thing.

I told him that he had a leniency of 15 mins and if he went beyond that, I would not be there or the date would be cancelled. I also told him it was disrespectful and I would not accept it.

He liked me well enough that he did everything possible to change this lateness problem. We dated for a few years after that and the lateness was never an issue again.

Though it has to be someone who likes you well enough and wants to change and respects what you're saying or asking of them.

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I'll chime in, because I'm one of those chronically late people. My various reasons for always being late: I didn't get enough sleep so I slept in too late, I underestimate how much time it'll take to get ready, I dread going where I'm going, I don't want to be early and then have to uncomfortably wait around, I'm disorganized, I keep checking myself in the mirror, etc. But whatever the specific reason, mine is usually anxiety-based. My comfort zone is at home, and it's hard to leave it.

 

I would suggest maybe trying consequences for lateness. Do it for a while and see if it changes anything. First, tell her to be somewhere 20 minutes before you plan to be there, since she will inevitably be at least that late. Then if you've been waiting for 15-30 minutes, or however much you can handle, leave. If it happens enough, maybe she'll realize that being on time is the only way to get to see you and enjoy whatever activity you have planned, and maybe she'll make greater efforts.

 

I'm late just about everywhere I go. But when I was in school (college), I was always early for my classes. Why?? Because it felt embarrassing to me to walk into class late; I didn't want everyone to turn around and look when I came in, all eyes on me. So I planned it all out and overestimated how long it would take to get ready, drive there, park, walk to the building, sit down in the classroom, etc. And I was always 15-30 minutes early. Because there were personal consequences to me (embarrassment) if I was late.

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My experience with people like this is it doesn't improve, usually gets worse as they get older. Sorry.

 

My bf showed up late a few times in the beginning. I forgave it a few times, then started making other plans or leaving without him. It stopped. I think it's different though when it's chronic (he never was, just was used to dating women who were ok with it and would wait). And it's something you have to nip early as far as setting your boundaries. If you don't, it's less likely to be taken seriously with minimal effort.

 

Also I think the fact that it's appearance focused might complicate it too. If her self esteem is wrapped around looking a certain way before going out, you'll be going against that motivation too.

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But whatever the specific reason, mine is usually anxiety-based. My comfort zone is at home, and it's hard to leave it.

 

I understand this, actually. When I am early, or the first of a group to arrive at a meeting place, if I have to wait more than a few minutes, my anxiety spikes. Do I have the wrong location? Am I supposed to be somewhere else? (Cell reception is spotty here, so touching base can be tricky.) Do I have the wrong day? (That has happened.) Wrong time? It helps to have a plan for passing the waiting time. I can bring a book, a journal, or a sketchbook, and read, write, or sketch. That becomes a satisfying activity in itself and any waiting is a pleasure.

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I'll chime in, because I'm one of those chronically late people. My various reasons for always being late: ... I underestimate how much time it'll take to get ready
I'm very curious about the psychology of this. Taking more than say 30 minutes to get ready, unless it's a wedding, seems to me to be approaching the point of silliness. I just can't understand how anyone needs 30 minutes, let alone two hours.

 

when I was in school (college), I was always early for my classes. Why?? Because it felt embarrassing to me to walk into class late; I didn't want everyone to turn around and look when I came in, all eyes on me. So I planned it all out and overestimated how long it would take to get ready, drive there, park, walk to the building, sit down in the classroom, etc. And I was always 15-30 minutes early. Because there were personal consequences to me (embarrassment) if I was late.
Unfortunately, whilst she is embarrassed and obviously feels a lot of anxiety by being late, it doesn't appear to be enough of a problem for her to change her ways as you did. When I saw her arrive at the theatre last night, I could see her face etched with anxiety, before she'd spotted me. Then I have to go through the rigmarole of her scrutinising my face for hints of my frustration, and having to manage that without it turning into a big deal.
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Yes but lostlove, you just proved a point...if the consequences mean enough to you...you can be on time if you wanted to, even early.

 

Yes.... that was my point

 

I'll add that being late is a really deeply ingrained bad habit for some. Like for me, my parents have always been late my entire life. Everything was rush rush rush to get out the door when I was little, and we still arrived late. So maybe I started to associate leaving the house with anxiety, because it was always this big to-do. That's just my personal experience, but you may be able to find something similar in other people. Not that zeroing in on where it came from will fix the issue, but maybe help you understand it a little better.

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donkeypickle, you seem to be zeroing in on this being a psychological issue...if that's so, perhaps you should mention some kind of counselling to her for this problem.

I don't necessarily find it to be that, but on the other hand, you know her better than the rest of us, and as well, I've never heard of someone being this late in all my life. It really is a bit out of hand.

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