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NIN2000

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I’ve posted numerous times before and the regulars on this forum know that I work in Federal Law Enforcement. While the agency or details of my work assignments are insignificant, the human aspect of my work has direct has an inherent amount of risk, pressure (and at the same time reward) which most on who are on the outside world will never understand. However, in the 15 years of service which I have completed, I have seen stress and the inherent responsibility of this job force to retire. Back in 2010 in the span of 3 months 4 co-workers died of heart attacks and none where over the age of 52. Not everyone can handle the pressure, responsibility and stress of this job and a few days ago a coworker who I knew for 15 years committed suicide.

 

For the first time in my life, I am experiencing the shock, confusion, hurt and overall numbness which occurs to friends, co-workers and family of those who lose someone to suicide. In a strange twist of events, this specific individual last worked with me at a hospital (we were guarding a criminal) last Monday, from 10:00PM to 6:00AM. Sometime around 4:00AM, the attending nurse and I got into a conversation which served to reinforce how lucky I am in life. Specifically, this nurse who is only 29 years of age expressed a high level of regret and explained that while she feels lucky to have been hired as a nurse (4 months ago), her body cannot handle the physical work and will have to look for work elsewhere. On the day of her graduation, this young nurse went out to celebrate and while sitting at a red light, was involved in a head on collision from a drunk driver. She was airlifted and hospitalized for over 3 months; there the doctors performed 5 surgeries: hip replacement, metal rods in her ankles, legs, etc. For obvious reasons, she cannot perform the running around which is required of a nurse. While I felt sad for the nurse, I felt very fortunate for myself and those around me. However, little did I know that the person I was working with would take his own life 3 days later.

 

Three days later, a local detective appeared at my facility. The detective carried a large paper brown bag containing my co-workers I.D., badge and government jacket. With that he informed us of the suicide. This officer was found in an off road dead. He left behind 4 kids a wife, parents and numerous friends and co-workers in pain and overall numbness caused by shock. At work we all talk about him, some can’t believe it others are riddled to make any sense of it all and overall everyone is saddened. Some express disbelief that a father of 4 would recklessly take his life and abandon his kids and wife and label it as an act of selfishness. All I could think of was the last night we worked together and how I failed to express the nurse story in which I could have pointed out how lucky we were to be young, healthy, decently compensated and with much to look forwards to in life. Would’ve it made a difference? Who knows?

 

Neither I nor my co-workers had any evidence suggesting that something was drastically wrong with our co-worker. The last time I saw him, while he was quiet, he was his usual self, polite, attentive to his work and showed no signs of stress. In fact, he was less than 1 year away from retirement eligible and was highly looking forwards to it. On the day of his tragic death, he had an argument with his wife and drove off for a few hours. He then called his wife and told her; “take care of my kids”, hung up and the rest was history.

 

I don’t know how many of you experienced a loss due to suicide? Death regardless of the cause is never easy but suicide has a stronger adverse impact, especially when kids are left without a father. This is my first experience and hopefully my last. Anyone every lost a co-worker, friend or loved one due to suicide?

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Yes, I lost a very close friend to suicide. It was two years ago now, and it's something one doesn't ever quite get over. It's difficult to understand why it is that some fight for life, while others just can't take anymore. I mean, I know we all have tremendous amounts of stress at times, but each one of us seems to have that small bit in us that keeps fighting no matter what. It's upsetting to know that somewhere along the line, someone close to us just gives in completely. I have had a lot of heartache over it. I don't like to think of my friend in so much pain.

Hoping they are in peace now and are no longer suffering. (This is about the only thought that consoles me, and even then I am not sure if it's true). But I do still hope that their suffering is gone and they feel nothing but peace now.

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