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she said she is bad decision maker... can I do something


asparuhovski

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Hello friends.

 

Here is the situation in brief. I'm male 29 from east europe. I met this girl my age, from France last summer. She was in my city for the summer. We hooked up, had great time together, went to many places, were intimete etc.

Eventually her contracted here ended in August 2015 and she had to leave to her country, but we kept in touch via video skype and frequently talk. Last summer we haven't promised anything to each other, so we kept this as an open type of relationship.

 

Well yet with keeping in touch online and frequently talking late night for hours, feelings started to emerge from both sides.

 

I was hoping to see each other again in person this summer too, if she comes here again, but she probably will not, since she works there now. I have a flexible job online, so I'm not constrained with location, so I can go visit her.

 

However here is the issue. Last time that we talked (few days ago) she said she is very confused. She needed space to clear things in her head, because she was changing jobs and also was dating someone there etc. She said she likes me and wants to communicate. She is seeking me to talk on skype. I like that, but I prefer real contact.

 

So last time that we talked, she asked me what I think and what my beliefs are about relationships. I told her. (mutual trust, support, freedom etc). She told me as well for her.

 

In reality I want to be with her together, because I have a feel she is trustworthy, I like her company and she likes mine too, but I don't want to push her at the same time. I told her that i'm OK to be in RS, but its also fine if she doesn't want to commit. (because what else I could do).

 

She said she is bad at making decisions and for the past few weeks she is repeating that she has to figure things out, that she has to work on her inner issues and stuff. I told her: OK. If I can help - I will, but these are stuff that she needs to figure for herself.

 

Without being forceful, most politely I told her that please next time when we talk to let me know if she really considers something serious going on between us, because if not I'll have to move on and give chance to someone else. Because here in the real world there are women that I date and that like me, but I have to in a way reject them and this hurts them too. I don't want to that to them.

 

So my question for you is: is there anything else I can do? Or have I done something wrong? In reality I want to be with her. I'm ready to move in her town, as long as she wants it too. And I told her that as well.

 

I'd appreciate your objective and 3th party opinion since this is really bothering me sometimes.

 

Thank you!

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First off this: You say that what's important to her is mutual trust, support, freedom. Yet she's dating another guy while keeping you on the side. Where do you see the values she says are important to you and her???

 

You're an option at best. At worst you're just a plaything. I wouldn't put too much hope in a happy ending.

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Unfortunately it sounds like she met someone and is trying to let you down easy (break-up). But it sounds like she is putting you in the friendzone.

she said she is very confused. She needed space to clear things in her head, because she was changing jobs and also was dating someone there etc.
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To answer your question: I think you're handling it maturely and you haven't done anything wrong. You're sensing that she isn't 'all in' and asked her to make a decision one way or the other. Nothing wrong with that. I believe she isn't thinking of this (open) relationship as seriously as you are.

 

Please give up on her. You are willing to move for her, yet she is 'undecided' and 'confused'?!? No matter what the situation, you deserve someone who feels strongly about you too. Someone who KNOWS they want to be with you. Someone who can commit to more than just Skype calls.

 

Give the girls who are interested near you a chance...

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If you really listen, not just to the words, but also the actions and body language, people tell you who they really are.

 

In this case, she actually told you pretty clearly in words: "She said she is bad at making decisions and for the past few weeks she is repeating that she has to figure things out, that she has to work on her inner issues and stuff."

 

Translation: I don't want a relationship with you but I like the attention and dedication you give me so I'm going to see how long I can drag this out without making a commitment but at the same time tell you gently so I don't have guilt of leading you on. If you choose to stay and get hurt, it's on you.

 

Sadly that's all that is.

 

What you should say is: I understand your confusion and will give you the time and space to figure it out. But I want a relationship and will find someone who is on the same page as me. If you make up your mind before I've found someone we can give it a try. Otherwise, I wish you all the best.

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First off this: You say that what's important to her is mutual trust, support, freedom. Yet she's dating another guy while keeping you on the side. Where do you see the values she says are important to you and her???

 

You're an option at best. At worst you're just a plaything. I wouldn't put too much hope in a happy ending.

 

Well to make it more clear, she told me that the other guy she was dating or whatever is also from another country. IDK anything else about that, I haven't asked her that.

 

She also said she needs to weight things out - pro's and cons etc. In a sense choosing between him and me. I don't like much those situations. I like asserting myself, but I don't like directly competing.

 

She also says she feels good around me, but also a bit like I'm way far ahead in personal development then she is. Like she can't meet my standards. I tried to comfort her that I like her the way she it is.

 

@Iggy5129 - yes. We have a good time together and why not have it in person. For me it doesn't matter where I live. I work online. And I also want to move to west European country and experience a different lifestyle.

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What you said makes completely sense and next time we speak I'll use the last sentence that you recomended.

 

I want to make a further clarification yet. A month ago when we spoke again, she told me she was: off the market, but still continued talking to me. And to the question if its OK for me to go to her place - she said it is OK. I was a bit confused on that and eventually my ego got involved (i know it was a bit stupid of me) and told her that if she is with someone else I don't think its a good idea to talk to me late night on skype or me to go there and then hang the skype. I felt terrible after I done that, so few days later I told her that I maybe might I mistake, she said: no problem, so we reestablished communication.

 

So eventually she told me last time that this other guy is also from another country and she had to weight things out. I like to be assertive and go for what I want in life, but I don't like the idea of direct competition. So I told her: "fine its up to you then".

 

I also don't know how to best interpret that she hinted the relationship thing and asked me what my values and what do I think about relationships.

Should I think she wants a RS too? Should I think she is just asking or just being curious?

 

She told me she had bad experiences in the past with relationships and was hurt and now is afraid.

 

How can I prove her that I'm the real deal and at the same time not be pushy and still keep my cool?

I'm not gonna beg her for RS or stuff like that...

 

Thank you again.

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Not really. I haven't gave a reason for that (to FZ me) and we are still flirting.

 

To make it more clear - she said the guy she was dating was from another country as well, so she needed to weight things out. I.e. choose between him and me. Which I perceive as stupid but probably for her is OK.

 

I was also dating women here anyway, but with her I connected on more levels than with the other girls I dated real life.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Here is the how the story proceeded further.

 

I went to France and we saw each other for few days. We were both exited and so did I and had a great time, eventually we spoke about the serious topic of whats going on between us.

 

On the question why she is so confused, she said it is because of the other guy she used to date after she met me. She had to evaluate and perceive the "options".

On the question what is then our relation now, she said: friendly. I replied that I don't much agree with "just friends" thing since it goes usually nowhere.

On the question what does she wants from me she said: to see me more often. I said: OK i make this happen, but if we just going to be friends and no oppurtunity for anything else - better no.

 

I told her that what I'm looking in life long term is relationship with someone that I can trust. She said she is not ready at the moment. I told her OK - no problem, then I'll have to find someone else and you will find someone else and will be happy and will forget each other.

She started crying, actually a lot and I was comforting her. She started blaming herself for that she had issues and I try to take on the blame on me, so she can feel more safe and comforted. I told her that everything will be OK and that its just what happens sometimes in life etc - philosophical things.

 

The next day I was supposed to travel back to another city far away so it was time to say goodbye. She cried again and said stuff she was so thankfull of everthig I did and that she used to know me blah blah. Basically she repeated things that I said her early on. I replied OK - you will be OK, but if you want something from me, now you have to make an effort and I walked away.

 

The next day I woke up early with a real pain in mu chest and hearth, a bit regretting for that I was kind of harsh with her. So I locked myself in the room for few hours. Eventually I decided to take action. I knew she was working in a small nearby town in tool shop and I decided to go find her.

 

So I did. I spent 4 hours looking for in shop after shop, and eventually guess what: I found her.

 

She was surprised obviously and happy to see me again. We spend the night together, having a good time, eating and walking around etc. Eventually she drove me to but station the other morning and there we said goodbye for real this time.

 

I didn't wanted to be harsh since it hurts me as well so I told her to promise me this time that she will not let anyone to take advantage of her or disrespects her. (I said that since she shared with me early on that she had a really abusive boyfriends in the past that did lots of trauma to her and now she was afraid etc). She promised that to me.

And I told her that if she needs something or support, to not hesitate to contact me without thinking what I would think or say etc. She said the same back to me. (basically in most cases whatever I say she agrees). I wanted to leave the door open, because I didn't know how to best end these things. When I'm harsh it hurts. When I try to be soft and gentle I get the "friends only" vibe.

 

IDK if I did right.

 

I had a B-day yesterday and she greeted me and I thanked her.

 

Now I feel mixed emotions regarding her. At moments I feel like a protective instinct is being triggered in me that wants to protect her (since she is so feminine and soft), yet at moments I feel like I've been a bit taken advantage of and she she made her choice not to be with me so if she contacts me for help or something I'd respond with: sorry I said that, but if you are with someone else, I'm not going to be the "emotional trash bin guy" and I'd better give my support to someone that really loves me.

 

Its a constant battle in me between trying to be understanding and respecting toward her past the things she went though and being distant and moving away letting her care of herself alone.

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