He says it is not cheating but it feels like it

My live in boyfriend of 3 years has been visiting sex web cam sights. When I found out about it he tried to lie but eventually admitted to doing it. He promised that he would stop and I just found out when I had to run back to the house unexpectedly that he is still doing it. He says it is not cheating but it hurts a lot and makes me feel that I am not enough-I have shared this feeling with him. I could use some perspective on this if anyone has any.

How is that different than porn?

My live in boyfriend of 3 years has been visiting sex web cam sights

Live person on the other side and they can see each other

So cybersex? How is your sex life/relationship in general? Does he think this is as harmless as porn?

Live person on the other side and they can see each other

He may say it's not a problem but what matters here is whether or not it is a problem for you.

I don't mind porn but interactive sex, whether in person or electronically with other people is cheating in my definition.

of course he says it's not cheating, he wants to get away with it.

i assume you don't particularly care what it is defined as in the webster dictionary, but you probably care a whole lot to not have this crap from a boyfriend.

are you waiting for him to agree? because you don't need his agreement to dump his a$$.

that is my feeling exactly. Since this is the second go around with me finding out about this. I guess I have a decision to make. Thanks

he does think it is as harmless as porn. Our sex life is not as great as it was. He took new job so we have very different work schedules. 9-5 for me and 11-7 am for him. He is in recovery so goes to AA meetings 3-4 nights a week so there is not a lot of time left for us. I am also wondering if the web stuff is not some sort of substitute addiction.

Actual webcam porn websites generally aren't two-way. You basically have a live woman taking donations and a bunch of dudes rubbing one out to her. I don't consider watching cam girls to be cheating. I do understand drawing a line at interactivity involving him getting naked on cam as well, but not just watching. Even asking her to do things I don't consider much different than revising a porn search to find something that's more up his alley.

But are you really that much cooler with him watching recorded porn? By your admission, it's the feeling of not being adequate enough that hurts. I have a hard time believing this would be any different if you'd found pornhub in his search history.

Bottom line is it's something that's not OK with you. I'd encourage you to try to realize that it's not about you being inadequate. But if that's not an option, it looks like you're going to have to either take it or leave it. You've asked him to stop and he's not. What's your next move?

he does think it is as harmless as porn. Our sex life is not as great as it was. He took new job so we have very different work schedules. 9-5 for me and 11-7 am for him. He is in recovery so goes to AA meetings 3-4 nights a week so there is not a lot of time left for us. I am also wondering if the web stuff is not some sort of substitute addiction.

My understanding is that for some addicts, they'll trade in one vice for another.

I can't say he's addicted to it. But it is something to consider.

And as far as web cam sites. . there are features to chat and be personally interactive if you choose to.

Less important:

The textbook definition of cheating

More important:

Keeping secrets

Breaking promises

Continuing to do something you've told him makes you uncomfortable

Less important:

 

The textbook definition of cheating

 

More important:

 

Keeping secrets

Breaking promises

Continuing to do something you've told him makes you uncomfortable

^ this. . .well said

Address these issues the shift-work, the AA, the cross-addictions, etc. Does he have ED? Get into al-anon meetings to support yourself and gain a better understanding of alcoholics, addictions and living with someone who has that. Alcoholics and recovering alcoholics have issues with intimacy.

Our sex life is not as great as it was. He took new job so we have very different work schedules. 9-5 for me and 11-7 am for him. He is in recovery so goes to AA meetings 3-4 nights a week so there is not a lot of time left for us.