2.5 Years after BU and heres where I'm at, an honest look

So I was on here quite a lot after my BU 2.5 years ago looking for advice and help, and i got plenty of it from this wonderful community. So here i am back after 2.5 years. And my update is a rather diverse and interesting piece as I feel somewhat an anomaly in ways. But the honest truth is this, am I ever my ex? No. Do i think of her everyday on a minute by minute basis almost? Yes.

Its been well over a year of Strict NC and I haven't seen a photo or heard from her or anything, she did the usual ex thing and left bread crumbs for me for the longest time, such as not talking for 6 months then calling me to "check in" as it was so nicely put. I still find it bizarre that she is still the first thing on my mind in the morning and last thing before i go to bed and more often than not dominates my dreams. The millions of reminders i see everywhere bring her into my mind everyday, she liked that movie, we ate there once, she now lives in that city you just mentioned, i remember listening to this song, just got a text from someone with the same area code, the list is honestly endless. I feel completely messed up in the way i think of her constantly and wish she would be back in my life because i know for a fact it WILL NOT HAPPEN, there is no hope and i have accepted that. Maybe i struggle with forgiving myself for my mistakes that that forced her to leave, I can say i forgive myself but i don't know how to get my heart to truly forgive myself, maybe it'll happen slowly after time, who knows....

Ive dated many women, Ive always attracted women my entire life, I'm an outgoing athlete and that part for me has always been relatively easy, the problem is I'm about as picky as they come, i know what i like and don't want to settle which is what i feel like i need to do now. My ex had everything i wanted and so far every girl hasn't compared in the slightest bit, i know they are they're own person and have wonderful traits as well, but the heart wants what it wants i guess. Im just surprised at how hard it is to meet a girl i actually like and i don't have to fake it with. Its not fair to bring these girls out when they second i take them home my ex returns to to the forefront of my mind. Even in bed I've caught myself wishing it was my ex many times. Who knows what will happen but I don't have much hope in the future for finding a girl that strikes me instantly like my ex did, i feel for her essentially instantly a beautiful 4 summers ago.

On the other hand, my life is freaking awesome. It really is. Im a year sober, kicking ass. Got my dream job and Im moving out west in a month for it. Im super close with my family, in amazing physical shape, financially sound, traveling and seeing the world and living my dream. My life is really amazing so i can't get too down that I'm still in Love with an ex girlfriend because there are such bigger problems in the world. Nobody knows i still love or feel this way for my ex except one friend, everyone thinks I'm doing well and moved on long ago. But the fact is I haven't moved on from her and I may never move on from her, but thats ok.

This is my biggest issue in life which it is without a doubt, the thought of having indifference towards her or not having a shot of adrenaline when i hear her name is like a breath of fresh air, like having a tumor removed, i wish i felt nothing towards her instead of such strong intense love. Maybe one day ill feel that way, but i do not today 2.5 years later.

Cheers!

PS: I really am doing well so no need to talk me off a ledge

You might not be in contact with your X but in your head you have erected a huge statue with spot lights in her honor. Just think about it, you have not spoken to the girl in months but you still think about the places you go or how cute is it when she burps, things like that. She's not telling you to think that way. You are doing that all on your own. So could be a few things. 1. You have not accepted its over. Sure you might tell yourself its over, convince your friends and goldfish that its over, but if she came to your door today and said "lets get married" you would be at the church within 15min. Keep telling yourself that you wouldnt, but in realty you would. Which means that you have not accepted that its over. 2. You have her on such a high pedestal that no one can even come close. And you realize this. You are smart enough to know that each girl is different, but you said that bringing them into your home feels wrong. Almost like its wrong to bring them into "our" house. You have placed your heart on hold. 3. Forgive yourself. You cant change the past and its over. You didnt say specifically what it was but you messed up. It cost you. You cant turn back time but you cant hold it in place either.

Outwardly you are doing awesome. Great job, your good looking, fit and Im sure you have plenty of women hitting on you but you realize that you are holding a candle to your X. You are very aware of your thoughts and what you are doing. Have you tried counseling? It seems to me that in your head you still look at your X as an "us". Anyway.. all fairness you are doing good, just need to let go of that last thing. Try a professional to help you do that.

Everything you said is spot on 100% i Just have no clue how to forgive myself, I've tried EVERYTHING but my heart won't let go. I pray on a daily basis and do everything i can, and no i have no hope shell ever come back but i can't help my heart still longs for her, its called subconscious for a reason. ITS ING OVER though but i still love her, i don't even know how to get over her fully, it may never happen it seems. After 2.5 years i do feel messed up and that this will last a lifetime, all the evidence supports that too..... I guess I just don't know how to un-love like most people on here do with the flick of a switch, maybe my heart and love is to strong.

I HAVE ACCEPTED IT IS OVER

Only thing that helps with this is time. Some people pine for an old flame for years. I know of a couple of guys and girls who still talk about someone they dated a decade back.

The only thing I've ever seen move someone off of that is meeting someone who they think is better than the ex.

Only thing that helps with this is time. Some people pine for an old flame for years. I know of a couple of guys and girls who still talk about someone they dated a decade back.

 

The only thing I've ever seen move someone off of that is meeting someone who they think is better than the ex.

Ya exactly I have this funny feeling like the only way to meet someone new is to be over my ex and give them a fair chance, but also the only way to meet them is to be over my ex, feels like an endless cycle. And I really think some people move on easier than others, everyone is different and I guess I just love a whole lot and now its wasted.

Wasted Love By City and Colour is a great song about this whole ordeal, it gives me hope though cause I know I'm not the first or the last to go through this and I guess one day when i realize i have moved on it'll all make sense.

Ya exactly I have this funny feeling like the only way to meet someone new is to be over my ex and give them a fair chance, but also the only way to meet them is to be over my ex, feels like an endless cycle. And I really think some people move on easier than others, everyone is different and I guess I just love a whole lot and now its wasted.

I..just read ur story. Cannot give any useful advice but I can just say I feel you! OMG.. this is what I feel too.

Especially when u said about this "endless evil cycle" I also realise the best way to get over my ex is by meeting someone new..and better! But on the other hand I also can't really meet someone new if I'm not over him yet.

I feel I would find my next Mr. Right. But as years go by (yeahh... My BU was waaaaaaay longer than yours. almost twice. So idk if time really helps) and met other different guys, the more I miss him. I know it sounds stupid but... I have this inner fear: how if I can't find a better match for me than him?

I moved on. I did. I tried meeting new guy and opened heart. We never contacted, just once every few months. but like u said, he's still the first and last thing in my mind (well, not that bad...but u got what I mean right? I'm still very aware of anything related to him)

But he still occupied that part of my heart that will make me, like what No1 said, probably I would jump right back to him if he just said the words. Silly right?

So idk what should I do. Probably that's because we broke up due to external situation instead of internal problem. So I can't stop wondering 'what if'.

Actually I'm getting so tired and thinking to just talk to him about this. And if he said there's no possibility ever, I would just move on. for real.

Have you ever talked about this to her?

And umm.. I'm happy with my life too. I really do. So I can't understand as well why I can't just simply erase him

Guess all you can do is keep living you're life and hope the memories and feelings fade away

Bison... Do you remember the first time you had sex? The first time you kissed a girl? First time you went went on Vacation with your family? Or the first time your pet died. You have those memories. But the emotion behind it has faded. Im sure you have tons of memories that you can look back at them.

Memories can stay with you and feelings fade if you allow them to fade.

How do you allow them to fade. Like i want them to more then anything. Just my sub conscious holds onto them. How do I control that's it's the first things my mind goes to the second I wake up every morning!!! How do you control that. How do I get the millions of daily reminders to mean nothing all of the sudden. Where is the magical emotional off switch. I want to feel indifference or no painful emotions towards her more than anything in life. Not to hear her name and my stomach turns and heart skips a beat. How do you control that knee jerk natural instantious reaction? It's like looking into the sun and squinting. You can't help that you do it. It's just natural. That's how my feelings for her feel daily. So natural

Bison... This is what worked for me.. Mind you it took some practice but it did work.

I learned to do 1 or 2 min worth of self meditation. Its easy once you get it.

Its is a fact that once your X pops into your head you have approx 20 seconds to let the emotion of the thought go away. IF you dont do anything then the emotion takes control. Thats why when you wake up you feel horrible, you see something or hear a song you let the emotion dwell.. Well the trick is to not let the emotion win. So this is what I learned how to do.

Accept that my X is in my thoughts, Dont fight it, dont deny it, accept it. Relax.. Breathe..

Slowly breathe in thru your nose for a 5 count, then hold it for a 5 count, then exhale slowly thru the mouth for a 5 count.

As you do, you imagine the thought of your X flow out of your body. It could be thru your mouth or out from your head or out of your butt, it doesnt matter. You have to visualize the isolated thought out of your body. You are letting go of the emotion.

If you want.. Add in a place or a memory of a great time. Either the best game you played or an awesome vacation trip or a night out with your friends. You replace your X with that image. Or you just simply tell yourself that you are okay or you can add a chant, you can say it out loud or to yourself.. The whole point is, you let the emotion out.

It seems silly, but try it, practice is and it might not work the first time but it does work. Did for me.

The point is not a knee jerk reaction but a controlled reaction.

It's all good and find. And I'm fine and happy and doing well everyday. Nobody knows these emotions exist in me. I'm actually very very happy in life. My ex isn't ruining my life at all. I just loved and my heart won't let go. I've accepted I'll probably be single forever or with a girl that's number 2 in my heart. The heart wants what it wants. But I'm still doing availing in life and an expert on meditation as its a huge part of my AA program I do everyday. I learned my lesson by cheating on my ex and losing her but it feels like a useless lesson know cause she's gone and my heart holds on. If she came back it would be the best thing that happened to me (she wont come back ever, accepted) but my heart just pines for the impossible and always will odds are. Like in the notebook (cheesy I know). Hey it's all good though I have much more $$$ being single and can workout twice a day!!! My life is awesome, being in love with a girl that doesn't want you is far from the worst thing to live with! At least I know I can love

"If she came back, it would be the best thing that happened to me" That does not sound like someone who has accepted that she is gone, that is someone that is holding out hope.

How do you allow them to fade. Like i want them to more then anything. Just my sub conscious holds onto them. How do I control that's it's the first things my mind goes to the second I wake up every morning!!! How do you control that. How do I get the millions of daily reminders to mean nothing all of the sudden. Where is the magical emotional off switch. I want to feel indifference or no painful emotions towards her more than anything in life. Not to hear her name and my stomach turns and heart skips a beat. How do you control that knee jerk natural instantious reaction? It's like looking into the sun and squinting. You can't help that you do it. It's just natural. That's how my feelings for her feel daily. So natural

What I sometimes suggest is to make new associations. You know the principle of Pavlov and how a stimulus (for example a place) can trigger an unconscious response. The trick in cognitive behavioural therapy is to make the association between that stimulus and that response smaller, by adding new associated stimuli.

In simple words, make more memories that can overlap the first ones! For example that special place that reminds you of your ex? Do something else fun there on a regular basis, with a friend!

I am not good in following my own advice though since I struggle with the same issues..

Yup I do all those things. Maybe it's just a much slower process for me. Everyone does things at different paces. Some people move on in days, weeks, months, years, some never. The years I got. I don't need to get over this girl to be happy. Life is awesome today regardless. And I can have accepted that it's over and still think her coming back would be the best, cause it's a reality everyone that knows her and me understands.

I have the same issues I don't know how you forget... I'm fairly new here I haven't posted my story yet I don't know if I will post the whole thing but basically I had a traumatic break up with an ex bf.. We were together for about a year.. I'd been separated and divorced for about 2 years when we got together. He was my first serious bf after a long term dead end marriage. I was hopelessly in love with him I say hopeless because he was from another country and had immigration issues. To cut a long story short after we broke up I found out he'd been cheating on me the entire time we were together with another woman he eventually married to stay in the country. I realise he is a loser and I don't have any desire to have him back but I still am sad and feel like we have unfinished business. It's been almost 4 years NC I still think of him almost every single day... I would like to know how to get this person out of my head. I do all the things you do, mentally noting where we went, the things he said, a mere radio traffic report that mentions the place he lives can set me off. Sometimes it's like a hammer in my head occassinnaly I can go a few days (due to current day stresses or pure joy with my current partner) But eventually it's like my thought settle down into the same patterns once more.

I have suffered depression in the past and had many sessions with a couple of different psychologist over the years. I remember one of them talking about neuroplasticity. I'm not articulate enough to write it here in any technical sense but basically it's like ithe more you use a particular pathway (for example thinking/doing certain things) the more likely you are to continue on the same path similar to walking the same way across a field will eventually create a pathway. And therefore the more likely you will take that pathway instead of creating another way across the field. Neuroplasticity means the brain can create new pathways but you have to actively do something to change it... Like No1 said above I was going to suggest meditation and/or mindfulness. I've never really given it a chance to work but at this stage anything would be worth trying it is such a painful thing to do to yourself.

I believe time does heal but how long? Changing of habits and meeting someone new can help but I met my current partner only two months after the breakup with my ex. Which in itself is not ideal but I do love him very much and would not wish it to be different it's just the constant reminders of the past can take its toll on me

Well I hope one day he can disappear from your mind. Who cares though life goes on! Make it awesome. Being hung up on someone isn't all that bad, sure relationships with the opposite sex are impossible but life is still full of anazing fun things to do without them

I've been on many similar sites and read posts, but never actually responded to a post. However, after reading about your situation, I couldn't help myself because you so remind me of the male version of me.

I'm not sure this will make you feel any better, but I so understand you. I'm very reserved and only a couple of people know that I still love my ex. Sorry, this is a long story. We met when I was 22 and he was 19. I was super innocent and never even held hands or kissed a guy. I was pretty attractive but never liked anyone enough. I was so picky that I just couldn't kiss someone I wasn't head over heels for. He was a player who was extremely handsome and had girls all over him. He never met anyone like me before. He asked me out a few times and I declined. After asking about 3 times, I accepted. On our 2ND date, he tried to put the moves on me and I had a heart to heart with him. I told him the truth - I had never had a boyfriend or even dated. Needless to say, he was shocked, but didn't run. I told him that I wasn't sure if I wanted to kiss him and I needed some time to be sure. He gave me a month. However, a few days later (knew him a week), he introduced me to his immediate family and grandparents. Then, I met his friends. We spent so much time together and he never pressured me to do anything - I fell in love with him. I never felt so comfortable with anyone and it was like I knew him forever. I finally let him kiss me after 3 weeks, and he asked me to be his girlfriend right after. We were crazy about each other and he never pressured me to sleep with him.

We were together for about 10 months and he suggested that we take a break. It was summer and he played baseball and got a scholarship to play. He said he needed to focus on baseball. He asked me not to see anyone else and said he wouldn't either. Well, that was a lie. About a month later, my brother, who knew his reputation, saw him at the movies with another girl. I guess, he didn't need to pressure me for sex when he was getting it elsewhere.

I was furious and confronted him. We truly broke up and I let him go. He was a 20 year-old fool. He went to school in the fall, but didn't like it and came back home before Christmas. He met another girl and moved in with after a few weeks when his stepfather kicked him out. They were on and off for 6 years because he wouldn't let me go. He would come to my work and beg me to see and talk to him. I told him to leave me alone because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He told me he would leave her if I would live with him. I told I wouldn't live with anyone until I was married. After 6 years, they broke up and we eloped a few months later. He was 25 and went off the rails. He was partying with his friends and I felt like I was being taken for granted. I knew and felt something was wrong. I couldn't prove it, but I knew in my heart that he was cheating on me. I have way too much pride to hold onto anyone that doesn't want me, so I told him it was okay if he didn't want to be married. We parted ways.

I went no contact before it was the thing to do. However, I kept in contact with his grandparents because his grandmother was dying of breast cancer. A year later, during a visit, his grandmother told me he had a baby with the skank he cheated on me with. I was devastated. He sent divorce papers and I released him without a fight and asked for nothing. His grandmother passed away a year later and I quietly attended the funeral. I snuck in and sat at the back. I saw him but he didn't see me. At the end of the service, his mother saw me and I saw her eyes dart to a woman pushing a stroller. I knew immediately it was her and they had another baby. I gave my condolences to his mother and left.

That was 2004 and the day I swore he would never hear from me or see me again. I changed my job, number, and moved. I didn't want him to ever find me again. I should mention, he was crank calling me every now and then at work and on my cell since the day we broke up. Also, left a rose on my windshield on my birthday. I knew he would regret it one day.

Everyone told me that I needed to move on. My friend tried to set me up with her recently separated friend. We went out on a group date and he liked me, but I knew in my heart, I wouldn't love anyone else but my ex. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting some innocent man when I knew I would never have true feelings for him, so I gave up on love. I couldn't live a lie or just settle. It wouldn't be fair to that person. I was sad and depressed for so long, then my sister got married to a jerk. They had a son and he was the apple of my eye. I spent every spare minute I had with him. I finally felt happy and alive again. Then, she had a little girl and these 2 kids became my life. I stayed single all this time - never went on another date again.

Fast Foward to 2007, he finds me on Facebook and wants to meet up to talk. I said no and left it at that. He only created an account to find me and then closed it down. I changed my settings so he couldn't find me, but I still loved him.

Then, he found me again about a year and a half ago and randomly emailed me. I was shocked that he found me because I hadn't made it easy. I responded to see what he wanted and because I still loved him but I kept that to myself. He begged me to see him and talk to him. After a lot of effort on his part, I finally gave him my number. He called and I was very aloof and acted like I was over him on the phone. He poured his heart out and told me he always loved me. I have yet to agree to see him because I'm a lot older now and I'm not as attractive as I once was. I also remember all of the pain he caused me. Still thinking about it because I do still love him - 23 years later.

Anyways, chances are if this girl really loved you, she still does. I was secretly thrilled when I heard from my ex, but had my guard up and still do. All these years, I dreamed on him doing whatever it took to find me and win my heart back (even though he always had it). I wanted him to fight for me and to show me I was the love of his life. So, I'm sorry to say, that if you're like me, and you sound like you are because you are content to be alone, you won't ever truly get over her. If you've truly changed, I don't think you should give up on her. Time has a way of softening one's heart. For me to give my ex another chance, he would have to prove that he has changed and put his money where his mouth is. It's hard to trust when someone cheats on you - especially when you did nothing to deserve it. You sound like a man who has truly learned from your mistakes, so I say don't give up on her.

I think you're situation is painful and similar in ways but also different. He's trying to reach out and your rejecting him. You're somewhat in control of how things go. And who knows how my ex feels, lord knows I'm not going to reach out and see cause that's just a huge setback in "getting over her". Just gotta keep living.