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I broke up with him tonight...


eg88

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I broke up with him tonight.

I have been mustering up the courage for about a month. I've gotten close and then "went back to normal" like I always do.

I am always 100%. I think about it everyday. I can't live with him. I can't be with him. But as soon as I break up with him--I cry. I worry. And I wonder if I've made the right decision. For months I haven't wanted to touch him, let alone actually cuddle. And all I want to do after we broke up tonight, it cuddle. For the record...we're not cuddling. He's out on the couch and hasn't spoke more than 2 words to me. He just wants to know whose fault it is. When it's no ones fault.

We're 2 different people with 2 very different work habits and goals.

I have good credit, work hard, wake up early, I want to buy a house in a couple months. Etc.

We're 27 by the way...

He has NO credit. No bank account (because he owes money to the bank he once had an account with) no license, no car. Will stay up until 4 in the morning and sleep all day. Has a sales job on a totally different schedule than me and is so lazy he won't even search for 1 minute online for a different job. I drive him to work 1/2 the time and always pick him up. It drives me crazy. It took me begging and frustrated for the 1st 8 months of our relationship for him to even go get his permit. Now it's taken another 6 months to have him schedule a road test. I can't imagine the amount of time it'd take him to get a car.

In the beginning everything was great of course. But I knew from week 1 I was going to struggle with his lack of ambition for the future. He'll play a video game on his phone for 6 hours a day, grab the charger to charge his phone and stillllll be too lazy to charge it....but can't take 5 minutes to look for another job.

 

His lack of ambition has become very unattractive to me. And I feel bad, I don't want him to touch me. I hardly want to look at him. The thought of sex with him has gotten so bad that I never want to have sex with him. We've probably had sex 3 or 4 times in the past 4 months. I just can't do it with him. I don't want to, unless he grows up. I've just had enough.

 

He never can talk about the hard stuff. He shuts down and his "go-to" line is, "I just want to relax, I don't want to talk about this right now" or "I just got up I don't want to talk about it right now" or "I just got out of work I don't want to talk about it" or "I'm tired I don't want to talk about it". That has been a huge red flag for me. What if we ever wanted kids in the future and I needed to talk to him about important things with the kids? Would he always just "not be able to talk". That's a huge turn off for me because it makes him look weak and unable to stand his ground. Meanwhile, I am always wondering when a good time to talk is. And if he ever needed to talk to me, I'd be there anytime of the day for him.

 

In the past month, it's drastically gone down hill and normally I try to hide it but I know I've been extra cold. It takes an hour out of my day to pick him up and drop him off at work. He never offers me gas money. My mom takes him 3X a week to work, he never offered her gas money. In the beginning I wouldn't have even thought of it. But you know, it's upwards of 11hours of my week spent picking him up from a dead end job and he can't even look online for me? I had enough. He also has a road test for his license coming up, he hasn't asked onceeeeee to test drive my car. I have offered 10 dozen times! It's gotten so bad, we got in an argument the other day and I could not standddddd his voice!!! I said it right out loud and typically I'd never do that because I'd rather not deal with his pouting and anger. But it was so gross to me at that moment. I just needed him to go away. He asked me last week if I wanted to do something "fun" so we went to dinner and mini golf. We split dinner and I had to pay for mini golf? Someone please explain this lol. I was so irritated. I would have never gone. We hardly spoke 2 words to each other he is NOT a talker or we just don't have anything to say. i remember our first date I was wondering why it was so quiet, I didn't think he liked me. But it's been like that on every single date we've ever been on now.

Anyways-He has no plan on where to go, like I said I've tried breaking up with him a couple times and he always says he has no place to go.

I'm also left with every bill (everything is in my name since he has no credit) I can afford it, but barely. I just got hired for a 2nd job for a little while to help me get by. You think he looked into a 2nd job to help me with my bills he's racked up in the past year? No. Of course not. He can't even get to his job on time. He wakes up too late. That's another thing that's always bothered me...it's never made me feel secure. I always feel like he's going to get written up and lose his job because of his tardiness. I don't like that. He also makes people wait. My mom will pick him up for work and he won't be ready so she has to wait in the car. I find that extremely rude.

 

Anyways, I know it sounds like there's really no reason I should be second guessing.

I'm not really second guessing. I guess I'm probably just emotional and exhausted. I haven't really slept in 2 months because the time when I plan and do my budget is when he's asleep so he doesn't ask me questions and get upset. We went to a wedding just last night together, maybe the wedding has me emotional too. He brought that up today, why I brought him...I figured...probably selfishly...itd be easier to bring him and not have everyone ask me where he is. I was a bridesmaid and very busy and involved so I just couldn't deal with it. He'll never see them again anyways. He's not even from this state.

 

I do feel bad. He moved out here for me. We got a puppy together. A new bed. And nice new couches, table, decorations, etc. and its all in my name. He doesn't have a license, car, credit, won't have a job when he moves. He wouldn't be able to provide a life for the puppy. It wasn't until after we started dating that I found out the job he DID have back then, was part-time and his dad paid for his groceries. Come on!!!! He couldn't even get a 2nd job back then.

 

I am rambling. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I guess I'm just looking for affirmation. I just want to know I'm doing the right thing. Why does it feel so empty already? When he's just down the hallway in the living room. Maybe I'm scared of being single again? It's lonely. But I'm lonely now. If I go have a drink with a friend, he's always wondering when I'll be home, even accused me of cheating on him. I just want to be able to breathe again.

I wanted it to work. All he needed to do was show me he had ambition and drive. Even if he applied to 1 job a week, it would have meant a lot to me.

I hope someone will read this and let me know I made a good decision. I suppose the good stuff I left out...is that he is a good, thoughtful, romantic, sensitive man. Hed do all the "little things" in the world for me...but it was the big things that matter.

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Stick to your guns.You made the right choice..Its still hard to withdraw from the connection..feeling like you want to be cuddled, held etc.. but this is temporary and will fade if you are just patient with yourself and let yourself be down for awhile. It will change. Good for you for having he courage to do it!. Takes a strong person to stand up for what they need and want out of life

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Created an account to respond to this, as I found your situation hits quite close to home. In my first "relationship" (that ended almost 2 years back), my ex said she wanted to end things. Looking back, I was probably too clingy and overbearing. But she ended it over a text. I knew something was wrong when we messaged while we were each on holiday, but I didn't properly consider the worst, and neither did I consider being the one to end things as I wasn't happy because of all the second guessing I had to do. But we met up after I came back (incidentally the first time we met after what was my 18th birthday!). Looking back, it hurts me to think that she was trying to stay away from me as much as possible. She physically kept herself away from me as much as possible, she didn't want to hold hands, she literally positioned herself as far away from me as she could when we were sitting next to each other at the cinema. I had asked her so many times what was wrong, and yet she strung it out and made it that much worse. That day was probably the last time we ever met under the pretense that she actually liked me. After a few weeks, my hope was beyond salvaging, she was avoiding meeting me at every chance, she had the temerity to make me feel bad for her. I won't go much more into it as there's quite a lot, but I eventually brought it up in a message, and she admitted what she was feeling. She even had the nerve to ask for me back after a week, after I said yes we hadn't even met up once before she said again that it wouldn't work. She had the bloody nerve to say I should move on when SHE was screwing with my head.

 

What I did was quite similar to how you did things. We both waited and hoped beyond hope that something would change and things would go back to the way they were. We both cared for people who definitely did not deserve it. And our only problem was finding the courage and realizing that things must end.

 

Of course, this was only my first relationship, you may have had a few people you cared for before you met your most recent boyfriend. But I like to think i'm emotionally "mature". I made so many mistakes, the biggest one being that I have to stand up for myself. Its relatively easy to shrug off some mean comments by some random bully, its another thing entirely to stand up to the person you care for the most.

 

You may doubt yourself, but you are so so right to end things with him. You were incredibly supportive of his lifestyle, and you tried to make your feelings heard on multiple occasions. I seriously feel lost sometimes when it comes to girls, I've had one relationship since my first ended and she was terrible at voicing her own feelings and opinions. Most of the time I felt like I was stumbling in the dark, I haven't found anyone like you yet, and your now ex seriously seriously messed up when he let you go.

 

Make no mistake, this is his fault through and through. He didn't want to fight or change to keep you. The problem is, that won't make you feel any better. You still have friends and family, but you don't have that emotional connection with that special someone anymore, you might as well be alone because of how much it hurts. The biggest thing you have ahead of you is learning to be happy with yourself again. Do yourself a favour, and don't jump into something else to fill a hole, because you will be disrespecting your ex, your new guy and above all, yourself. Take the time to realise how awesome you are. Of all the things you can do and everything you have done to care for others. This is not narcissm, you need the time to build up your confidence again. Don't be my ex, who I contacted after a month of no contact, who was already with somebody else (!!!). This sort of personal development takes months and years, not days. I am speaking nothing but the truth, but if you could do this for yourself, and you met someone right for you further down the road, then they would have to be in awe at your emotional strength and maturity (you could be 50 and still be emotionally immature).

 

I could say a lot more, but it's probably better to stop there. You can pm me if you like (I assume you can do that on this site?). I know from very personal experience that it's such a hard thing to go through, I wish you the very best

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How can you break up but still be living together? Why don't you move out and leave him with the place? If he can't pay his own way he can get a job, go to social services/welfare, get drug/alcohol mental health treatment, get evicted, whatever.

 

It's unclear why you and your mother enable him. It's unclear why you haven't separated fiances, bills, property and made other living arrangements or evicted him. He will find another woman to mooch off of in no time if you kick him out.

He has no plan on where to go, like I said I've tried breaking up with him a couple times and he always says he has no place to go-He moved out here for me. We got a puppy together. A new bed. he's just down the hallway in the living room.
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To answer your question, yes, you did the right thing. It's just a normal emotion and natural reaction the way you're feeling. To help you come to terms, what specific examples does he do where he's thoughtful or romantic? What little things does he do? Maybe your answers will help you realize you made the right decision.

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I can't have my credit hurt by an eviction. He can't do it on my own. But I can do it on my own. So I have to suck it up not to hurt my credit. I've worked too hard to get my credit where it is. And as for him staying there, for right now until he finds out where he's going (out of state back home 9 hours away) and since he doesn't have a car, I'm not sure how he's going to do it...this is the hard part coming up. And dealing with staying in there with him with us hurting like this.

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He'll write me a note. Love letters. Although it's been a little while. He's a perfectionist with romantic so he'll try real hard to make a nice evening for me with his letters and dinner and try to make it perfect. Although he looks like a sad puppy if it's not perfect and ask me 10 times if I "like it" or if I'm happy. Checks up on me. It's not the stuff I wish he was doing. Like getting a credit card. Pitching in more with expenses. Getting his license and looking into a car. Finding a good job with better hours and better pay that's what would have helped our relationship. Not a love letter. The only love letter I wanted was action.

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Why do you hurt? Because no one is all bad. Despite all of your legitimate reasons for ending it you still care for the guy. Just because we have feelings for someone doesn't mean we are right for each other.

You did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself.

 

You will miss those good parts of him and you will grieve the loss of dream and the hopes you had for him and the future you wanted together. You will beat yourself up over all the time you invested in the relationship and hate him for not being the man you hoped he'd be.

 

Funny how people think that ending a dead end relationship should feel right.

Break ups rarely ever feel right, even if they are.

 

Ask yourself, if you two were to stay together where would you be in a year from now?

Has he given you any reason to trust things might be different? . even though you placed all this faith in him, he didn't deliver.

Mourn the loss of this relationship.

 

There are so many threads here about whether it's easier being the dumper or the dumpee. We can debate it forever.

Basically, both suck. It's all very complex.

 

You did the right thing.

Head high, carry on.

Give him til the end of the month to find a new home.

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It won't be. Pay him for the furniture, save up for a suitcase and bus ticket for him, then say adios. Why can't he work, drive or go down to social services for welfare? Do you want to be his sugar mama?

 

Are you afraid to be alone, hoping he'll change and/or hoping by infantalizing him he'll never be able to leave? Try some introspection to see why you are struggling with this.

And as for him staying there, for right now until he finds out where he's going (out of state back home 9 hours away) and since he doesn't have a car, I'm not sure how he's going to do it.
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And as for him staying there, for right now until he finds out where he's going (out of state back home 9 hours away) and since he doesn't have a car, I'm not sure how he's going to do it...this is the hard part coming up.

 

^

This is not your concern, he's an adult who's capable of supporting himself like any other adult. I would give him a 2 week notice to leave the premises. Be careful not to second guess yourself, as he's likely to beg, borrow and plead when he gets the message that his freeloading days are over.

 

As an added note, it's easier to build yourself back up, rather than allow someone to drag you down to this level. I hope you find your way...

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Years ago, I was in a relationship much like yours. I made the money, had the good credit, owned the home, had a car, and busted my ass running my own business, which requires a ton of self discipline. He was lazy, slept a lot, never helped around the house, and went from dead end job to dead end job, interspersed with rounds of drawing unemployment. His only requirement for a job was that it be swing shift, so it didn't interfere with his salmon fishing. He had an old beater car, which he drove illegally with a suspended license and no insurance. So whenever we went anywhere together, I drove us in my car. He never paid for gas money, meals out, movies. Nothing.

 

The relationship became such a burden, I just couldn't do it anymore. I had loved him once but like you, it had all turned to disgust and resentment. I could look one, five, or ten years down the road, and see that life with him was always going to be EXACTLTY the same as it was currently. And I decided I couldn't do it. So one day I told him it was over, and I wanted him to leave. I know it's hard when you know they don't have anything, or anywhere to go. But these are HIS problems, they are no longer your problems. And you MUST stand firm on that. He will never find solutions to those problems until you stop being the solution.

 

My boyfriend was angry, scared, hurt. He said some horrible things to me. I was so stressed out I couldn't eat or sleep, but I held firm. It took about a week but he finally made arrangements to move in with his sister. He threw his clothes in his car (which was all he had since the furniture and everything else was all purchased by me), and he left. I had some ongoing contact with his family for awhile (since I'd been close with them), but nothing with him. We went NC immediately and stayed that way.

 

About five years later, he called me on my birthday. We had a great conversation. He'd sold his car to pay off unpaid tickets and get his license reinstated. (Ironic,lol). Then he saved and got another car. He repaired his credit and bought a small condo. He was working a decent job. For the first time in his life, he was functioning like a grown up. He thanked me for everything I'd done for him, and forcing him to take charge of his own life. We laughed about our good times together, and he said maybe he'd call me the following year on my birthday again. He didn't, but that's okay. I don't need or want to hear from him, but I have fond feelings towards him and wish him the best.

 

You are doing the right thing. For you, and for him... though I know it doesn't feel that way right now. It's normal to have moments of regret and longing. But what you are longing for is a REAL and equal relationship, not this placeholder you've had. Sometimes even having a placeholder feels better than nothing, and that hole in your life will be painful for awhile. But you won't meet the right guy while you are still tangled up with the wrong guy. I also think you'll find that life is much less of a struggle on your own than it was with him. When you have only yourself to provide for, things are going to be a lot more simple. I think you're going to be breathing a sigh of relief, and feel like a thousand pound weight has fallen off your shoulders. I did.

 

-Stand by your decision.

-Keep asking if he's made progress towards leaving and offer to help if you can. (you want this process fast and smooth, so if you can grease the path in some way, do it.)

-Keep all the household items you want and need, if you paid for them. If there's something you don't want, let him have it.

-ABSOLUTELY keep the puppy!!!

-Don't take anything he says or does right now personally.

 

Sending you strength and courage. You've got this.

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Thank you for your response. It's refreshing to know I'm not the only one.

I just got home from work to talk to him about the next step (him moving out) and he said "I don't want to talk about it right now"---his famous "go-to" line. Grabbed a pillow and blanket and is laying down on the couch. He said its "not for me to worry about". But I do need to know a little so I can plan on a 1 person budget. I don't know if I should expect August rent or not, etc.

He hasn't pleaded to make anything right, get license, look for car or learn to drive, etc. So it's clear he doesn't get it. Or he's just still too lazy to work for it. I wish he knew how lucky he was getting out of a lease without 6 months left to worry and $8,000 by himself in just rental payments alone. Because trust me, I'd leave if it wouldn't ruin my credit but I worked too damn hard to get where I am to let that happen.

 

I feel like he's never going to leave, I'm sure he's embarrassed to tell family/friends so I know he'll drag his feet.

 

I just wish he could talk to me about a plan. He's clearly trying to punish me. His first reaction to me breaking up with him is, "so are you saying this is my fault?" When it's no ones fault. We just can't be together. But I always knew after all the "hard talks" we've needed to have and he has dodged to "not wanting to talk right now" tired, busy, just got out of work, just woke up, every single "I don't want to talk excuse. That if we ever continued on and needed to talk about REAL important stuff like a house, moving, future children... That I'd always be faced with a 1 way street. He completely shuts down and I need someone stronger, braver and more self aware.

 

Again, thank you for your post. It was very refreshing.

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I just got home from work to talk to him about the next step (him moving out) and he said "I don't want to talk about it right now"---his famous "go-to" line. Grabbed a pillow and blanket and is laying down on the couch. He said its "not for me to worry about"

 

You shouldn't be at all surprised that this is the response you got. After all stonewalling you has worked perfectly well for him up 'til now.

You need to change the game on him.

Tell him that you agree that there is ' no talking ' about it anymore. Therefore he wins.

Tell him however, that you need a firm date in which you may expect him to vacate.

Stand firm until you get an answer.

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You can't just kick him out anytime you want because you're currently upset or just making empty threats is his name on the lease? Then you have zip. If it's your place you must go through the appropriate steps.

 

Stop nagging him about the licence and everything else. Stop mothering and hen-pecking. Stop controlling, fixing, changing. Just stop enabling with rides money etc. Why wait for him to give you a plan? It's not his plan, his plan is to sleep on the couch. Develop your own plan by not enabling him.

I just got home from work to talk to him about the next step (him moving out) and he said "I don't want to talk about it right now"-
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My guy did this as well --- for the first day or two he did nothing, and acted like the conversation had not even happened. He even tried to have sex with me. He was in total denial. That's why you have to keep at it, keep saying things that show him your position has not changed and will not change. Next time he plays the "I don't want to talk about it" card, say "Okay. We are no longer a couple so I understand if you don't want to discuss your plans with me. As long as there is progress being made towards you moving out, that's all I need to know." I would not expect to see any rent money from him for August, nor would I accept any. If you do, that implies you're okay with him living there until the end of August. Don't send that message. You want him gone ASAP, and everything you say and do should be communicating that very clearly right now. If you seem ambivalent at all, he is going to think you aren't serious, and it will be that much harder to get him out.

 

Stay strong. Not rude, not mean. Just firm, clear, and strong.

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I figure since he's sleeping and probably will be for the evening, that I'll give him until tomorrow when I'll bring it up again.

It might be unfair that since we're in this lease together why should he go? But he can't afford it and my name is on it. I refuse to leave and not be in my home with all of my furniture and belongings that I own...not him.

I think he's getting a fair deal. To get out fair and clear from an expensive trap that I have to deal with.

I have been nice. I don't want this to get ugly. We've had ugly fights and I can't bare it. I have been as nice as possible and I'm trying to stay cool when he ignores me.

I haven't slept in months. This past week I've probably gotten 8hrs in a 7 day span. I was in a very expensive wedding over the weekend where I was falling asleep at the dinner table. My body and mind have taken a toll. Work is stressful, I had to give myself a 5 minute break to let out a few tears.

I just want it to be over and him to leave. I can't imagine he'd want to stay in an environment like this with me. It's a 1BR apartment, we have no privacy from each other.

I'm not nuts for wanting him to move right? Everything in here is mine, that I've worked for and accumulated over the years from decorations to furniture to the couches in financing in my name. If it were the other way around, I'd run if I were him. To get out of paying thousands of dollars in just rent alone. I once was in a relationship where I was able to do that, we broke up on a Friday and I had a uhaul and moved out on Monday! Left him with the Icecream scooper his mom bought lol. (Cheater, he deserved it haha).

I've never been the "heart breaker" but I know I'm doing him a favor. He can't be happy. I know he's not happy.

Thank you for your time with these replies, it really is nice to hear advice from someone who's been through a similar situation.

I plan on talking to a therapist soon, I know I struggle with codependency. Not sure why it's embedded in me, but I can't enter another relationship like that. At this point, I want to be alone forever. So much easier that way.

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Yes his name is on the lease. We have 7 months left. Everything in here is mine. I own. Or in my name.

I'm not "kicking him out". I've asked him to figure out a plan and let me know so I can prepare for finances on my own.

He gets out free and clear. I can't leave the apartment and expect him to pay, he can't afford it on his own with his income. But I can. He would destroy my credit. Living together but separately for the next 7 months would be horrendous and even more unhealthy than it already is.

As for enabling him, yes I have stopped and will not continue further. My mother is her own person though. She can do what she wants.

As for my own plan, yes I have budgeted my expenses in order to afford this place on my own to fulfill my lease and then move on from there. It's him who needs to plan to leave. I'm not going to let him sleep on the couches I'm financing for free in the apartment with our names on it without 1/2 the rent. I think it's fair to leave him about 4 weeks to "figure it out". No matter where he goes or what he does, he has nothing. But it isn't my problem.

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Then you have no standing to ask him to leave. Try to calm down and be rational using appropriate methods to solve problems. He can stay if he wants and pays half the rent. Keep your stuff, he can't take it, why worry about that?

 

He doesn't 'get out free and clear' if he doesn't want to. You are not his landlord you are a co-tenant.

Yes his name is on the lease. yes I have budgeted my expenses in order to afford this place on my own to fulfill my lease and then move on from there.
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I'm not nuts for wanting him to move right? Everything in here is mine, that I've worked for and accumulated over the years from decorations to furniture to the couches in financing in my name. If it were the other way around, I'd run if I were him. To get out of paying thousands of dollars in just rent alone. I once was in a relationship where I was able to do that, we broke up on a Friday and I had a uhaul and moved out on Monday! Left him with the Icecream scooper his mom bought lol. (Cheater, he deserved it haha).

I've never been the "heart breaker" but I know I'm doing him a favor. He can't be happy. I know he's not happy.

 

There are only 3 choices here:

You stay

He stay (but can't possibly afford it)

And then there is to continue as you have, you in the room and he on the couch.

Ask him to pick one that suites him, see what he says.

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Thank you very much for replying. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who's gone through a similar situation. And that things get better. I know things always get better. This battle has unfortunately just begun. He has no plans to move out. And all my things are here, I can't move. I have to pay for this for 7 more months I'm stuck in this lease.

I just hope he leaves, although I'm not hopeful.

Both of our names are on it...so he's entitled just as much as I to stay. I just hope he realizes how detrimental it is to our health.

I can't sleep, For months I haven't slept. I just want to come home and breathe.

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Thank you for understanding. I agree.

 

I did talk to the landlord. Who mentioned a 1-3 month buy out. I'd love a 1 month buy out.

 

He has pulled the "don't talk to me", "you never loved me", "I wish I were dead" "you think you're perfect?" "**** off" "I'll never love again", "you ruined me" cards tonight while he was at the bar.

 

I can't live here with him. But I refuse to leave what's mine. My things, my apartment that only I can afford (and who's credit got us approved) and my dog.

 

If I left in a uhaul. He'd have camping gear and a few bags of clothes/shoes. That's it. And about 1/4 of 1 couch.

 

I can't sleep. I haven't for a month. I'm losing my mind. I need peace and can't find it. I just want this to be over.

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