Failed Reconciliation Attempt, How Can I Leave This In The Best Way?

Hi ENA,

I’ve had a saga that I’d like some help on.

I had an ex about 9 months ago break up with me after nearly two years together. We had a pretty good relationship and were each other’s first loves. (I know everyone wants to think they’re special on here, but I do feel we were rather exceptional—we never fought, no pettiness, from very similar in background, beliefs, and we’re both well-educated and thoughtful people.)

Now, in classic form, the breakup came as a great surprise to me. Admittedly I had slacked a bit towards the end because I was unhappy with my job at the time. We had both lamented together how we’d hit a strange plateau now that the “in-love” euphoria had run its course. And we had gotten so comfortable around each other that I had inadvertently thought it was ok to be a bit critical and had voiced a small personal criticism that hurt her. i grew up with multiple sibling (she didn’t) and giving people was, in a way, a sign of affection. Of course, I was just being a but had I had always expected her to push back if I had gone too far. Modern dating culture perpetuates an aloofness that requires us to never show our undiluted affection, and I guess I took it to heart.

But, if there were any truly lasting relationship problems, the dissatisfaction on her end was totally silent. The week before I started my new (and still-awesome) job, she broke up with me. I was devastated; I had a very secure and deep love for this girl. I had worked hard to get a better job so I could get out of emotional debt to her. I was looking forward to this new era, and I felt like the job situation was the thing in the way of me being happy.

I apologized, asked to reconsider, wrote a very thoughtful letter to show I understood why she was upset. To me, it felt like the first bump in the road in what was otherwise a fairly solid relationship, and could not believe I wasn’t being given another chance. I admitted my fault, but she wouldn’t forgive me. She said she wanted to protect herself to be hurt again. (Yet she had admitted in love notes that she admired how everything to me was learnable, adaptable.)

For a long time I felt this was because she was just beginning master’s program (in psychology) at a top school. She had a somewhat traumatic childhood with family illness, which we seldom talked about. But it was really about me and how I overstepped with her. The breakup really changed my world and I realized a lot about myself and how I was treating others. I got very into Buddhism and worked really hard to put that -ish version of myself behind me. I also dated some great girls in the interim, but I was too hurt still to let it go anywhere far (plus, it felt like empty calories after having been in love). I’m a driven/always-learning type, and I felt like I made the most of my time alone. I felt like I was the last to know how hurtful I was being to her, and I didn’t quickly forget it.

About 4-5 months of nearly no contact, I could sense somehow the timing was right for a reconciliation attempt. It started with inviting her to a concert, and then every few weeks I’d invite her to go out. We started to slowly ramp up, started kissing a bit before parting ways. And I thought we were on the road to something even though she said she did not want any commitment. But when we’d spend time together, it felt like it was going great.

At great personal healing risk, I pursued anyway over the past few months. And it seemed to be progressing. One night we slept together, and I later said I felt like I was falling in love with her all over again. But mentioning my feelings kind of shell-shocked her. I said I wanted another relationship, she was pretty unsure. She kept asking for time apart to think about it, mentioned that she think she has (avoidant) attachment style, which explained a lot the more I research it. Looking at past love notes, she struggled with feeling totally loved. I think in a birthday love note to me she said “I know sometimes I feel distant, but I’m working on it and you make me happy.” But I know she had this nagging feeling that love should feel different, or an “is this it?” sort of mindset that I think is common to avoidants.

We agreed after the 4th of July to talk again, but I realized somewhere along the way that not talking is where we went wrong. Communication is a huge missing piece—it’s why things were such a surprise for me. And I told her talking more, not less is the key. So I called her up, and told her I still loved her but she was still (yes 9 months later) super bitter about the past. When I said I loved her, she retorted immediately saying she listened to my old voicemails and I never hung up saying “I love you,” always “see you later.” Word of affirmation were really important to her I realized in the aftermath (and to me they’re almost meaningless). But there was just a bitterness in the response I was not expecting, and she just cannot let go of the past and see a new future. She said we want different things—she doesn’t want the effort of a new relationship. I said that relationships are not binary and can always go deeper, but she disagreed. I guess the well is poisoned in her mind.

So I suppose the answer is before me—that for internal (avoidant, bitterness, my past transgressions) and external reasons (grad school) that she isn’t available for another relationship. The quick summary here is that I felt like I really changed myself and my ex is stuck in the past too much to see it anew. I really do love this girl, and would like a second chance. But I feel like she won’t give it to me because of emotional walls she’s built surround the breakup. And it kind of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy—she thinks there’s nothing here, so no openness ever develops.

This is a very smart, very emotionally attuned girl that I always felt I met too early in life (and instead should have met at age 30 to marry). But i’m amazed how close-minded she remains on the relationship, and simply won’t give me a second chance. One day, I’d like to have another go. Is there anything more I can do to set myself up for that?

Thanks

First - be aware that no matter how much you think you may have changed, it may not be as much as you think. I say this because of personal experience, it's very easy to let yourself think you took a huge step when actually you took a smaller one. This isn't bad, it's just the nature of life; good change comes slowly and we are poor judges of whether or not there has been a change in ourselves. So part of her reticence may be in that she still senses those attributes in you that put her off in the beginning. Her not wanting to repeat the mistakes of the past is a reasonable reason to not get back together with you - for all she knows another relationship will be all the same. Statistically, it usually is the same. That doesn't mean it's impossible, but it does mean its difficult. It could be that she is drawn to a relationship with you but she is very low on emotional energy and doesn't feel up to task - especially if she feels it's doomed to failure.

Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is step back and respect her space. If you come on too strong or get too clingy on her she will run far and fast. Just take it very slow and do small things to prove to her that you have changed. When she is in a place where she has more energy she may try it again with you, but I wouldn't invest all of yourself into it because if you do and she moves on it will be all the more difficult for you.

She's not "close-minded about the relationship." She took a long time and decided to break up with you. Afterwards, she told you she didn't want a commitment but you still kept and keep pressing on.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like your relationship was that great. She had a lot of resentment that she didn't communicate to you. And I think you're still pushing her to get what YOU want.

She knows what you want and how you feel. I'd suggest backing off 100 percent and letting her reach out to you if she wants to reconcile.

Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is step back and respect her space. If you come on too strong or get too clingy on her she will run far and fast. Just take it very slow and do small things to prove to her that you have changed.

Thanks for the response. A friend who got a second chance told me something along those lines--that he had changed less than he thought, and even many months into the second chance he'd be catching himself.

Most of our problem stemmed from me giving too much crap in a joking way, and thinking it was ok. It wasn't. So any ideas how to show that in small ways?

At any rate, space is probably good--I asked her to go meet up since I'd be seeing her in a group setting this weekend (many overlapping friends) and that it might be nice to clear the air. But she took a day to respond and then said maybe another week, and I think just talking about her feelings is a bit of an ordeal. Plus there's a lot of baggage that comes with it, obviously.

But the truth is I've got a pretty different life from back then: a new (and way better) job, pursuing my hobbies, and taking weekly guitar lessons. Life is really good for me now. So i get a lot of time to dwell on that one thing, sadly. But i feel like I have a lot more to give than I did at the time.

She's not "close-minded about the relationship." She took a long time and decided to break up with you. Afterwards, she told you she didn't want a commitment but you still kept and keep pressing on.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like your relationship was that great. She had a lot of resentment that she didn't communicate to you. And I think you're still pushing her to get what YOU want.

 

She knows what you want and how you feel. I'd suggest backing off 100 percent and letting her reach out to you if she wants to reconcile.

Appreciate the response Darcy. I think you're absolutely right. It was mostly out of self-interest to push like I did for another relationship, but I thought there was a decent foundation and a modicum of interest in trying something. I wanted to treat her better and to make it up to her. Maybe I was optimistic, but for us to go nearly 2 years without really communicating the negative stuff, I felt there was enough there that with some simple communication it could be turned into a very good relationship.

Interesting point, yeah she's not one of the guys to joke/pal around with. At any rate excellent advice above about providing the breathing room she needs not as a technique to 'get her back' but because it's the only option at this point and will strengthen you.

Most of our problem stemmed from me giving too much crap in a joking way, and thinking it was ok. It wasn't

Just wanted to bump and get a few other perspectives, or advice from people who have had avoidant partners.

I think in her mind there's other experiences to try; that we were good first college loves, very similar people, but it's easier to just restart. I'm in the opposite camp (maybe because I dated way more in the time away), and just feel more conservative about preserving deep connections because you appreciate how rare it can be. Maybe in time she'll feel the same way, but she's pretty adamant. I really shouldn't wait. And, in fact, that panicked call where things turned sour was mostly because I couldn't do another month (after nearly 3) of being in unspoken-relationship limbo. I couldn't have just half of her. So maybe this is for the best.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's no fun.

I'd rely a lot less on the opinion of internet strangers in this case, and instead look at and listen to what she's saying and how she's acting. She's made it pretty clear what she wants and what she doesn't. Her kissing you and being close to you doesn't mean she wants to be in a relationship with you, and this is why it's always a good idea to step back from these sorts of situations when it's not clear that you're on the same page.

Maybe she is avoidant, maybe she isn't. If you were together for nearly 2 years, then you know what it looks like when she wants to be with you, and you know that she is capable of making that decision if she wants to. I'd stop trying to grasp for explanations and excuses. People are irrational and when they want to be with someone, they overcome all sorts of barriers to do so.

Best thing you can do is focus on and look out for you.

What was this criticism that ended it?

We had both lamented together how we’d hit a strange plateau now that the “in-love” euphoria had run its course. And we had gotten so comfortable around each other that I had inadvertently thought it was ok to be a bit critical and had voiced a small personal criticism that hurt her.

Just because you think it's a great idea doesn't mean she does.

And if she is choosing to not be with you doesn't mean she deserves to be labeled with some flaw or disorder. (avoidant)

She is just done and she can't get it back. Or she isn't seeing what she needs to see in order to change her mind.

You have made it abundantly clear how you feel and what you want, the rest is entirely out of your hands.

I admire your introspection and your efforts to grow.

Keep up the good work and let this one go. If it is meant to be it will come to you without any more coercion on your part.

What was this criticism that ended it?

There wasn't one in particular. It must have accumulated.

She complained of not feeling as mentally sharp and I suggested that maybe she try out taking fitness seriously for once, since she never had a team or a serious regimen (yet still looked great somehow). I'm a very active person, and I mostly do it because it helps mentally. But it came off as critical and was taken the wrong way. I would say the same thing to my sister out of love, you know? Like "look, maybe consider trying X if you've never tried it before." But I definitely came off as critical.

The only other foreshadowing / dissatisfaction was one night (maybe 4 months before we broke up) we went out drinking with friends and late in the night she said she was thinking about breaking up. I started crying and left, and passed out drunk with it as a memory. We talked about it the next day, mostly about about how we act in group settings, and we never really talked about it again. It should have been a red flag, but it came wrapped in such a p00p-bomb that I felt affronted and only absorbed a generic "OK guess I've gotta be nicer" message.

Even to this day, it all feels like small beans in the grand scheme of relationship problems. We know couples who have weathered worse like infidelity, so I can't help but feel like there's more left to explore if she were a willing partner. And I know during my reconciliation attempt she gave it some fair thought--there seemed to be some momentum building. But as soon as I treaded too hard on her independence by wanting to know if this was going anywhere, she's kind of circled back to these negative parts of the past relationship and re-dwelled on them, seemingly in denial that things would be different now (obviously, that's my perspective).

Just because you think it's a great idea doesn't mean she does.

And if she is choosing to not be with you doesn't mean she deserves to be labeled with some flaw or disorder. (avoidant)

She is just done and she can't get it back. Or she isn't seeing what she needs to see in order to change her mind.

You have made it abundantly clear how you feel and what you want, the rest is entirely out of your hands.

I admire your introspection and your efforts to grow.

Keep up the good work and let this one go. If it is meant to be it will come to you without any more coercion on your part.

Thanks for responding.

I just don't want it to be all for naught. I've been writing about it in my journal ad nauseum and trying to grow. And I truly did not know or think I was being hurtful. After many many months doing my own thing I'm fairly certain that chapter is behind me. I feel like I grew empathy that I was direly missing.

Regarding attachment, it was something she brought up and it's an area she's well-schooled in. But yes, I definitely don't want to project diagnoses or anything to explain why we're not together. There are just a few tendencies that I'm trying to make sense of.

Anyway, I had reached out about catching up but we pushed it back. I haven't followed up again and I'm going to be gone the next few weekends anyway, until late august. When I get back, is trying to clear the air (and saying look: I have no agenda anymore, I get it, and it's clear we want different things) a bad idea? Her idea that this can't go anywhere is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it just sucks to leave it with a phone call where I spilled my heart out. In the reconciliation attempt, it was all me instigating the meet-ups when we'd go out; in general, for me giving up is harder than trying and it think for her it's vice-versa. So I don't really expect her to reach out even if she had a change of heart, but I imagine most dumpees feel that way.

Obviously no contact is probably best, but we have a lot of overlapping friends. And I think in a way it could help, even though I know I can't reason her into a relationship. I'd just want to hang out and have a very positive time, and say "I hope one day you'll forgive me for the past." And let it be that. But I realize that might not really help my cause.

I feel a little crazy for dwelling on this nearly a year later. I tried my best to revive it, pulled nearly every lever I could, and it didn't work my way.

just would like to bump this to see a few more.

Do you think this was the beginning of the end?

The only other foreshadowing / dissatisfaction was one night (maybe 4 months before we broke up) we went out drinking with friends and late in the night she said she was thinking about breaking up.

But as soon as I treaded too hard on her independence by wanting to know if this was going anywhere, she's kind of circled back to these negative parts of the past relationship and re-dwelled on them, seemingly in denial that things would be different now (obviously, that's my perspective).

I'm sorry this is painful for you, but I don't think that she's the one who is in denial. I think she reexamines her feelings at your request and comes to the conclusion that her feelings are valid. She is confident in her reasoning. You are the one who is questioning it. Perhaps this dynamic contributed to the failure of your relationship.

I'm sorry this is painful for you, but I don't think that she's the one who is in denial. I think she reexamines her feelings at your request and comes to the conclusion that her feelings are valid. She is confident in her reasoning. You are the one who is questioning it. Perhaps this dynamic contributed to the failure of your relationship.

Bumping this thread, I had a great August but somehow it's all back on my mind now that vacation is over. There's a weekend coming up a mutual friend is hosting a weekend at a lake house, about 20 are going including her. But I'm unsure if I want to be near her or not. Kind of wavering because I feel like I shouldn't have to miss out because of a personal matter, but at the same time don't want to undo some healing.

Still NC, still have not spoken since late July when she said "we want different things. and I don't want a relationship right now." I've been dating around and having some fun things come my way, but I miss the emotional depth and haven't found anyone quite there.

Hey all. I think the holidays (and first snowfall today) have brought some blues, but life is good. I guess I'm just looking for a little wisdom at this juncture.

Quick recap+update: 2 years relationship and have been broken up for just over a year. We've been NC since July, but I've had some positive experiences alongside her in person (friends in same social circles). And while I've made great strides in building my life and attempting to move on (dating very actively), I've been unable to shake this feeling that I still want another chance with her. The evidence that she shares this notion is, well, dubious. (Again, she's in grad school and I think I tried to reconcile too soon, the wounds were still too fresh.)

Yet I can't seem to let go of the possibility of another go. Maybe it's the circumstances being somewhat GIGS-like and sudden, but it's been one of those particularly difficult break ups to accept (and so so hard not overintellecualize). We were such kindred spirits / old souls, I guess I'd alway imagined we'd stay in each other's lives, and not be one-and-done.

When I see her socially, it's often hot and cold. One night not too long ago at a party we talked at length and she give me a weirdly passionate embrace. Peculiar enough where her friend asked me what that was about. But then I saw her again the other night and felt like she was avoiding me. So there's a lot of that wishy washiness.

Her lady friends have taken notice my new appearance and hobbies(which feels good), and I think it's pretty obvious I'd be a much better lover now. But I almost feel sorry for myself that I still think about her daily, a year later. It's this gigantic Catch 22: I think she's worth pursuing and is the real deal for me. But no lover could possibly really this magical fit if there not totally interested nor present.

I'm a bit sad from it all, but I'm a relentless optimist. Perhaps to my detriment. Looking for some advice, thanks.

You're still at it, eh?

You're still at it, eh?

Well, i haven't gone out of my way to communicate in 6 months. I saw your comment a while back and realized I needed to just leave it where it was.

But she's in my life just frequently enough that it's hard to not consider the possibilities.